All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
2-18-01
Yo I regulated Archie and left him in a ditch - pulled my nine on Jughead and smoked him like a bitch - cuz I always gets it my way just like at Burger King
I'm the master of disaster - my socks got no static cling - I'm gettin' all the girlies cuz I'm rich like Jerry Yang - I hang with my boys at NASA and drink up all the Tang...
Gee, that's great Mr. Mixalot... But I'm thinking maybe the lyrics aren't quite on target for our Campbell's tomato soup ad.
That's Sir Mixalot to you, bitch. Queen Latifah didn't go knightin' me so's I could get dissed by some honky.

 

by gabe_billings
2-18-01
Do you think anyone could make the connection between this background and a vague reference to the Little Prince?
Doubtful. With this crowd you'd need something a little more mainsteam.
"Fish," he said, "I love you and respect you very much. But I will kill you dead before this day ends."
The Old Man and the Sea? Try again.
SOCKO!
Da-da da-da da-da da-da Batman!

 

by gabe_billings
2-19-01
Any good news?
Not really. I got picked for jury duty again.
That blows. You gonna try to get out of it again?
Yeah. I figured I'd do the same thing I did last time.
Darth Vader costume?
I thought I'd try Chewbacca this time around.

 

by gabe_billings
2-19-01
So I hear you already got yourself a comic groupie? She go and do anything weird yet?
Just some little stuff. Wrote 'Gabe Rules' in goat blood on the side of the house and keeps breaking in and stealing my clothes.
And the cat?
Soup pot.
Man. She already pulled a Glenn Close?
We're moving to Canada tomorrow.

 

by gabe_billings
2-19-01
Hey Earl... I just got back from a meeting with the planning committee.
Oh yeah? What's the word?
Well, the roaches are just about ready. So it looks like us insects'll be takin' over the world next Tuesday.
Oh...
Something wrong?
I guess that means we'll have to cancel the Scrabble tournament..

 

by gabe_billings
2-19-01
So you're Death, huh?
Last I checked.
So could you, um... tell me how I'm going to die? And when?
I don't think you really want to know that.
C'mon. I can take it.
Well, I wouldn't worry about renewing your gym membership and you might want to stay away from the walrus cage at the zoo.

 

by gabe_billings
2-19-01
Whoa... Looks like someone dropped a hundred dollar bill on the ground.
Ok. I'll do it tonight.
Don't forget. That's R-O-S-E-N-B-E-R-G.

 

by gabe_billings
2-20-01
So what did she say?
Miss Cleo says that Pete is cheating on me with a woman from work. She also said something bad would happen today. And I just dropped a pencil on the floor!
Wow. She really does see all. What does he say?
He says he's always been faithful and I should trust an eight year relationship over someone who charges $4.95 a minute for made up advice.
So what are you gonna do?
Duh. I'm dropping his white ass.

 

by gabe_billings
2-21-01
Well, wirthling poll results are in. Lowpass readers think he sucks more than cauliflower, Wayne Newton and cholera.
34 percent of readers think stoning is too good for him, and 83 percent would like to see him ravaged by woodchucks.
Somebody even wants to see him sodomized by a donkey.
That one kinda came out of left field.
Guilty.

 

by gabe_billings
2-21-01
Let's take a minute to read some viewer mail. Our first piece comes to us from Lloyd Johnson, a retired railroad worker from Chicago, Illinois. In his letter our friend Lloyd writes...
"Dear Lowpass. I've been reading your comics for a while now. They're me and my dog Bowser's favorite. But I was wondering why so many comics use such foul language and needless violence?" --Lloyd
Well Lloyd, you pissant felchmonkey. The answer is simple, really. So we'll tattoo it on your stomach tonight after me and the boys pay you a visit, nail you to the wall and skullfuck Bowser.
I'll go get the Saw-zall.

 

by gabe_billings
2-21-01
Boy, that wirthling sure is a dickless, smelly, turd-eating felchmaster.
You can only enter the contest once, you know. This entry doesn't count.
I know.

 

by gabe_billings
2-21-01
Here we are with more viewer mail. Linda Sperra of Omaha, Nebraska writes, "Hey Gabe, let's see your cock. Love, Linda."
Well Linda, if you insist.
Kind of a let down, isn't it?
You think this is bad, you should see the real thing. I'm talking cocktail weiner, here.

 

by gabe_billings
2-21-01
What has four wheels and flies?
If this is another one of those stupid ass jokes you got off a taffy wrapper I'm kickin' your butt.
Seen any good movies lately?

 

by gabe_billings
2-21-01
Where's Clango?
We had a little accident. He got lost at the hospital and wandered into the room where they keep the MRI equipment.
Wow! What happened?
It kinda formatted his head. He started walking around in circles and beeping quite a bit.
Is he gonna be ok?
If we can find his backup disks. I hope they're not too old or we're gonna end up going through that CHiPs faze again.

 

by gabe_billings
2-22-01
One day in the lab...
So I says, "Well, them 300 head a' Herefords ain't gonna git on up to Snake Canyon by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by gabe_billings
2-22-01
Man, your health club rocks! Though I think the best part was the masseur in the locker room. His hands were pure magic.
There isn't a masseur in the locker room.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
You're not the only one.

 

by gabe_billings
2-22-01
Man, not only does wirthling suck, he's late too. Here it is 11:20 and still no votes.
He's probably busy jacking off to a Victoria's Secret catalog he stole from his neighbor's mail slot.
You know what we should do? Go over to his house and 'help him along' with his votes.
By 'help him along' I assume you mean beat him with baseball bats?
Of course.
Let's go then.

 

by gabe_billings
2-22-01
Dan, we wanted to do something nice for your birthday. So Maura here is going to fuck you.
I sent those pictures of your little S&M session to your grandma, convinced the IRS to audit you and got the Navy to believe you were the cause of their little fender bender.
Couldn't ask for a better fucking than that, could you?
Happy birthday, you magnificent bastard.

 

by gabe_billings
2-23-01
I did my undergrad work at Oberlin, and finished up my masters and my PhD in computer science at UC Berkeley.
I've also got an MBA from Stanford, and last year I won the Nobel Prize for literature. Did I mention I do neurosurgery in my spare time?
Congratulations, Mr. Billings. You're hired. I think you'll make a real asset to the team here at Burger King.

 

by gabe_billings
2-23-01
I'm bored.
We could dress up like Sesame Street characters and then go hang out on the playground and beat up little kids.
We did that yesterday.
So?
Hmm.... good point.
I got dibs on Elmo.

 

by gabe_billings
2-23-01
You know what'd be fun?
Going to the movies, making masturbation noises behind a group of old ladies and then flinging hand lotion on them?
Uh, I was gonna say mountain biking.
Whatever.
But we could do your thing.
I'll get the Jergen's.

 

by gabe_billings
2-23-01
So you want to work at our company, huh?
Yup. I always thought I'd fit into this job.
But you can't add or subtract. This is an accounting firm. What'll you do?
How about if I suck your cock? I didn't go to an all boys school for nothing, you know.
Cock, you say? You start tomorrow. Four am sharp.
Should I bring my hotpants?

 

by gabe_billings
2-23-01
Wow Gabe. Your comics are the best. Where do you come up with your ideas?
I usually just sit at my computer, listen to some music and meditate a little. They just pop into my head.
Thought it could have something to do with the paint fumes.
Or the mescaline.

 

by gabe_billings
2-23-01
Well Susie... You're gonna be five next week. Have you thought about what you'd like for your birthday?
I wanna decide who lives and who dies.
How about a dolly?
That'll work.

 

by gabe_billings
2-24-01
We should all try to pitch in to help out Johnny. We could send him some cash through Paypal.
But I don't have any money.
Maybe you could sell your Archie Comic collection on Ebay. That's got to be worth a pretty penny.
Are you mad, woman? Losing our jobs is one thing, but this is Archie we're talking about.
I could dress up like Betty for you. I'd let you wear the Jughead crown to bed.
Done, and done.

 

by gabe_billings
2-24-01
What'd you get?
It's a cease and desist. I'm not allowed to talk about my birthday anymore or I will be 'dealt with'.
What's the worst they could do? Make you pound a nail into your head? Don't let those pussies push you around.
Yeah. You're right. It's my birth....
Oops.
Aiieeeee!!!!!!!

 

by gabe_billings
2-24-01
Have you seen Dexx around?
Last I saw he was headin' down to the swamp talking about wrasslin' gators. Said he wanted to try the meat 'fresh'.
Hmm... Dexx is no Paul Hogan. This doesn't bode well.
What should we do?
Go to his house and steal his stuff. Dibs on the TV!
Wohoo!

 

by gabe_billings
2-25-01
We call this meeting of the Comic Consortium to order. Bob will act as chair today.
Thank you all for coming. As you know, today's meeting is do discuss what we're going to do about Gabe.
I'm sick and tired of being his puppet. Every time I turn around I'm fucking Toothgnip. Or worse, Pete. I deserve to make my own decisions!
He keeps making fun of me. Jesus, it's not like getting syndicated is easy. And all I hear is joke after joke about how lame I am.
I have t'listen to one more gay reference or him makin' fun of my chaps, I swear I'm gonna shoot him.
What are we waiting for? Let's get the son of a bitch!

 

by gabe_billings
2-25-01
Order! Order! I've invited Dr. Felch to speak with us. He has an idea I think you should hear.
I've created a comic-planar-transportation device. It's loosely based on the premise of the movie 'Cool World', if you remember it.
Remember it? It was complete dogshit.
You can say that again. What a fuckin' waste of two hours of my life.
Say, weren't you in...
Shut up.

 

by gabe_billings
2-25-01
That's it. The 'ayes' have it, and the motion is carried. Dr. Felch, let's get it on.
I'll go warm up the machine.
Wow, this is really exciting. I can't wait to give him a piece of my mind.
You're such a pantywaist Clango. We're not sitting down to discuss things over tea. We're gonna rip shit up.
I can't wait to get him alone in a dark room. You can only take so many sodomy jokes.
I better go get my brass knuckles.

 

by gabe_billings
2-25-01
Magnificent boobs.
I love to watch them jiggle.
They're both silicone.

 

by gabe_billings
2-25-01
Spirit! Hear me! I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I must have been but for this intercourse.
Assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life?
Well, you know... There was this sweet canary yellow Porsche Boxter I've had my eye on...
Tell you what? You rub out Cratchit and his gimp kid instead of me, and you'll be sitting in rich Corinthian leather faster than you can say 'tiptronic shifting'.
You're on, Scroogie. And make sure I get a CD changer.

 

by gabe_billings
2-27-01
What's wrong?
I can't get into the Lowpass message boards through the link at the bottom of the Comic Strip Creator page.
So? Johnny's the man. He'll do it up soon enough.
But I need my fix, damn it! If I don't post 15 pointless messages before bed I'll stab myself.
Well why not use the link on the front page of Lowpass, Einstein? It works just fine.
Shit. Now you tell me. I just pierced my spleen.

 

by gabe_billings
2-27-01
What's up?
I'm trying to understand all these Beckett references in the Lowpass strips. Something about Nell and Negg in dustbins...
Ahh... Don't waste your time. That highbrow literature is too uppity for us. We need some good dumb readin'.
Really? I don't need to try to understand Joyce, Austen and the rest of those twits?
Fuck no. Let's head back to my place. I've got the latest Tom Clancy and Harry Potter number 4.
Hot damn. I'll bring the Spaghettios.

 

by gabe_billings
2-28-01
Well Mr. Billings, I must tell you that we were impressed with your presentation as well as the rest of your work.
Wow. That was unexpected. I thought for sure that little fire incident cost me the job.
Not hardly. We all make mistakes. We'd like to offer you a position here, effective immediately.
Hmmm....
Something wrong?
Well, now I feel really bad about throwing acid on your cat.

 

by gabe_billings
2-28-01
Oh dear lord... Gabe's dad had an accident at the steel mill and fell into one of the smelting pots.
That poor boy. I'll go break the news to him.
Hey there, chump. Let's play a game. If your dad isn't dead, stand up.
Uhh....
Ha ha! You lose fucker!
Dad?

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Hey there, Dubya. Did you know your little tryst with Jorge the donkey is available on www.buttpirates.com?
Shit, Obi. You know I cain't look at them things.
Oh, cause you're the president and all, right?
Hell no. It's 'cause them pantywaist demo-crats stole all the damn w's in the joint. I can't git anywhere in that interweb thang.
Repent, sinner! The Christian Coalition demands it!
Say there, feller... You ain't got any keyboards in that there diaper, do ya?

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
So how did it go?
Not well.
Oh?
Apparently my performance art masterwork, 'I, Flan', was a bit too highbrow for those uncouth yokels.
Well what made you decide to debut at the Ironworkers Union, anyway?
Ah, the fickle Local 113. I thought I knew you.

 

W
by gabe_billings
3-02-01
I just want you damn demo-crats to know I figured out a way around your little 'w' thievery.
Oh yeah?
Sure did. Put on my thinking cap and the answer just came to me. I just turned all the m's upside down and used those.
So now what are you gonna use for m's?
Well shit, boy. I ain't figured that one out yet. I ain't a fuckin' rocket scientist, you know.
NASA should count their blessings.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Another one turned you down for a date, huh?
Yeah. But she was kinda ugly anyway. Say, you don't think it's the can, do you?
No.
Yes.
Damn.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
I signed up for a felching class down at the 'Randy Sailor' nightclub.
Clango, do you even know what felching is?
Sure.
So what is it?
It's putting those little feather thingies on the ends of arrows. Say, I think they've still got space. Want to come?
No.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
It's ten o'clock.
So?
Do you know where your child is?
That little fucker better still be locked in the basement.
Oh.
Want to go out for pizza?

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
You ran down my mother with your car this afternoon, you heartless bastard.
It was an accident.
I can hardly believe that.
How so?
Well, for starters you swerved up onto the sidewalk and were screaming, 'Die, Fucker!' at the time.
Oh.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Well Doc, I got this weird red ring around my dick. I saw two other specialists and they wanted over $1000 to take care of it.
Let's have a look see, shall we?
So what's your diagnosis?
I think I can take care of that for twenty bucks.
Twenty bucks! Why the hell were those other guys charging so much?
They probably just don't know lipstick when they see it.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Holy Shit, Doc! Now my dick has turned orange! What the fuck is going on?
Hmmm.... Drop those trousers and let's take a gander.
So what do you think it is?
Just out of curiosity, what were you doing this afternoon?
Watching porn and eating Cheetos. Why?
Bingo.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Say, your cat doesn't do any sort of tricks, does he?
Like what kind of tricks?
Like resurrecting himself after someone backs over him in their car?
Not that I know of.
Well then I got some bad news, pal.
Fluffy?

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Would you like some green eggs and ham?
I dunno...
You're not a fox, are you?
I'm a goat.
Oh. Then sure.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
You know, this isn't nearly as much fun as those little cars.
You got that right, brother.
Zoom!

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
C'mon, why don't you want to try it? It's all fixed now.
Tell that to the monkey you put in there. You know... The one that ended up inside out.
Hmm.... There is that.
Why don't you try it?
And end up inside out? Are you fucking nuts?
My point exactly.

 

by gabe_billings
3-02-01
Gee Mr. Clown, you must lead a great life. You get to spend all your time in the circus, and you make people happy every day.
Sure, that sounds great. But it's not all good. I'm always tripping over my big floppy shoes. These funny pants chafe.
Every time I turn around I'm stepping in elephant shit. I share a trailer with an eight hundred pound man and lobster boy.
And have you seen the fucking car we have to stuff ourselves into? Most of those other guys don't bathe all that often.

Showing page 3.

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