All comics by krandall

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by krandall
7-07-08
If the officer would have stayed outside, you would have maintained an equal probability of not being caught in bed with a 15 year old girl?
Is that what you're telling me?
Essentially, yes.
I don't think it's gonna hold up in court. What else have you got?
Can you get me any hydrocyanic acid?

 

by krandall
7-07-08
According to your test results, Miss Mallon, you have so many STDs I'm professionally obligated to declare you public safety hazzard.
Tee hee! I'm a what now?
A woman as beautiful as you, with a body... like that... shouldn't be walking... around... um... those breasts... those lips... I...
You're kinda cute. Tee hee!
Minutes later...
Ah! It burns!
Kinda itches too. Tee hee!

 

by krandall
7-08-08
You're back from the future. How was it?
No time to talk! I gotta start stockpiling water, bullets, and batteries! Holy fuck!
And what happens to me? Do I get rich and famous some day?
If you call someone using your dismembered femur to fight off a hoard of disease-riddle cannibals 'famous', then yes. Gotta go!
Cool! I always knew...

 

by krandall
7-08-08
So the future is pretty bleak, huh? Great. What's the point of going on now?
We'd nearly fought back from the melting of the polar ice caps when that damn meteor hit. Then it was all starvation, disease, and black darkness.
And then the cannibals came?
Let's just say it becomes pretty ironic how much Chinese food we'd eaten over the years.

 

by krandall
7-08-08
So fresh water, batteries, and bullets, huh? Why don't we just get a big generator and stockpile gasoline?
Combustion engines don't work in an ash storm. Gasoline is used for firebombs.
And human femurs are used as stabbing weapons. Right. Gotcha.
You don't believe me, I know. Nobody believed it until it was too late. Just make sure you're west of Kentucky by 2025. And bring batteries!

 

by krandall
7-09-08
So yeah, I've just been keeping busy, working hard, staying out of trouble. You know how it is.
WORKING HARD, OR HARDLY WORKING!? HA HA HA HA!
You know Ted, talking to you at all is fucking difficult enough, without all your annoying cliches.
FUCKING DIFFICULT, OR DIFFICULT FUCKING!? HA HA HA HA!
I get it now... why people go postal at work...

 

by krandall
7-09-08
You know, Ted, I don't know which is more annoying: the way you bellow off-key reditions of obscure 80s comercials and TV themes...
your deplorable hygene, your obnoxious cliches, or the blank stare you're giving me right now, as though you're not listening to a word I'm saying.
I wiped my ass so hard, the hairs went right up my anus! That never happens when I use toilet paper.
We have a new champion.

 

by krandall
7-10-08
Dude! I finally nailed "Calamity Jane" last night, and you guys were wrong about that nick name. She wasn't accident prone at all! It was great!
Actually the nick name is "Chlamydia Jane". I sure hope you used a condom.
I should probably get to a doctor, shouldn't I?
And get your hearing checked while you're at it.

 

by krandall
7-10-08
You look tired, man. What the hell'd you do?
I had four hours of sex last night.
Four hours! Holy shit! Straight?
No. It was with Brian.

 

by krandall
7-11-08
Oh! Dave! I had the most brilliant idea this afternoon, about our data analysis project. I'll be damned if I can remember what it was now though.
Did it have anything to do with extending corporate flowcharts into the third dimension?
Holy crap! That's it! You hit the nail-
-BZZZOTT!-
Welcome.
What the hell...?

 

by krandall
7-11-08
I bought a busted pen at lunch. I'll be ass-fucked bloody by a well-hung triceratops if I can remember where I put the reciept now though.
The reciept's in the lounge, by the coffee machine.
Oh yeah! Right! I put it there when I-
-BZZZOTT!-
Let's do this thing...
AHHHHH!

 

by krandall
7-12-08
AHHHHHHH...
...HHHHHHHHHH!!!!
You destroyed the city because somebody cut you off in traffic? Why didn't you just turn him into a frog or soemthing.
M'eh. This way was more gratifying.

 

by krandall
7-13-08
I rented a super hot porn flick for us to watch tonight: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dudes.
The Temple of Dudes? That sounds gay.
Um... it is.
What the fuck?
You mean you're not gay?
You mean you're a man!?

 

by krandall
7-13-08
Heh. That's pretty funny.
HRRRRRRGAHHHH!
And what kinda face did you make when he pulled it out of your ass and spewed in your hair?
Pretty much the same thing.

 

by krandall
7-14-08
Twist it sideways, Jack, then stick it in! You're doing it all wrong! The hole's way over there! No! Down here! It's a big hole! How can you miss?
Janet, we're never gonna get it on if you keep yelling at me! Now where is that hole of yours? Chrissy! Where are you? We need your help in here.
-CLICK-
Ah, there we go. We finally got that lamp working. Took long enough.
Wow. It's a good thing no one overheard us, that sounded really dirty.
That's it, Helen! Monday morning those kids are outta here. You should've heard what was kind of kinky shit was going on up there just now!
I just wish something kinky was going on down here, Stanley.

 

by krandall
7-17-08
Baaa-
SHHH!

 

by krandall
7-18-08
Wanna bullseye some womp rats in Beggar's Canyon, Han?
Listen, Leia. We've been together for over a year now. Let's skip the euphemisms, huh? If you want anal sex, just ask.
INTO THE GARBAGE CHUTE, FLYBOY!

 

I'll drive! You shoot!
by krandall, 7-19-08

 

Oh! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to pull you over. From across the street you looked black. Sorry about that. Carry on.
by krandall, 7-20-08

 

by krandall
7-23-08
Um... Dr. Friesen, have you got any advice for what I should do about my... um... constipation?
Actually, I'm a doctor of mathematics.
I'd just work it out with a pencil.

 

by krandall
7-25-08
She told me not to tell anyone at the office here we did it. I told her that boning her was so easy, it didn't even count as a notch on my belt.
When I said that, she got so pissed off, she pulled a fuckin' knife on me and tried to cut my nuts off. Luckily she only slashed into my waist a little.
So ironically she did give me a notch on my belt afterall.

 

by krandall
7-25-08
I gots a bone ta pick wit you...
?
I thinks I'll pick yer clavical.
!
Snap, crackle, pop...

 

by krandall
7-28-08
Oh my god! That's the biggest pussy I've ever seen...
...the biggest pussy I've ever seen...
You didn't have to say it twice!
I didn't!

 

by krandall
7-28-08
Put two fingers in... ooh yeah, like that. Now put four fingers in... Ah, god. Yes! Now put your whole hand in. Oh god, that feels nice! Now put both hands in! Ah YES! Now clap!
Urrrgh! I... can't!
Tight, eh?

 

by krandall
7-30-08
I read an article today that said 65% of men masturbate in the shower. The other 35% sing.
Any idea what they sing?
No idea.
Me neither.

 

by krandall
7-31-08
A handsome young man from Regina...
one day flew away into China
He met a sweet lass, put his dick up her ass...
I can't wait to hear how this ends! I'll bet it's something about her vagina! Hee hee!

 

by krandall
7-31-08
Honey. You know I love you. You're the hottest woman I've ever been with in bed. I just have one small complaint.
What is it, sweetie?
I just find it kind of creepy when you scream out your brother's name while we're having sex.
My brother!? What are you talking about? Lots of people are named John! I could have been referring to anyone!
Yes, him too, and Dan, but I was referring to your brother Marsley. That one's tougher to ignore.
Actually, Marsley was named after my uncle. *Sigh* I sure do miss him.

 

by krandall
7-26-09
Daddy, what does "circular reasoning" mean?
I don't know. Go ask your mother. She's always right about everything.
How do you know that?
Because she told me so.

 

by krandall
7-26-09
The neighbors are wondering why there's always a weiner on the floor outside your apartment door.
I have no idea. But if I find out who's doing it, I'll let you know.
You better.
Okay, when I said I wanted you to throw your hotdog down my hallway, this is what I actually meant...
Ah! So apparently I'm also over-dressed for "drilling for oil on the dark side of the moon"?

 

by krandall
7-26-09
All is black, meaningless, empty. I feel nothing. I am nothing. There is only the never-ending dance between pain and numbness, agony and oblivion...
And just when it looks like there may be a ray of light, it turns out to be simply a fire that burns your hope to ashes. So I've decided to end it all...
It looks like you're trying to write a suicide note. Do you want some assistance?

 
by krandall, 7-29-09

 

by krandall
7-29-09
One burglar mask. One crowbar. Flashlight and a striped shirt. That'll be $33.99. Will there be anything else?
No. That's all I need, thanks.
You got here just in time. The store is closing in five minutes.
Yes... I know...
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.

 

by krandall
7-29-09
No offense, Brad, but if you weren't such an asshole you wouldn't get yourself beaten up so often.
No offense, Bill, but your daughter's asshole wasn't as tight as I thought it would be. You must have a big fucking cock!

 

by krandall
7-29-09
Hmmm...
-schiff, schiff, schiff-
Much better.

 

by krandall
7-30-09
It says here you wish to legally change your name to Ted "The Cunt Stretcher" Rogers. Is that correct?
Yup.
And is this a reference to enormous genital girth?
You guessed it, baby. Fat as a beer can down there.
It says here your address is 425 Maple Grove. Is this also correct?
I'm booked solid til the middle of October. And you gotta supply your own lube, woman.

 

by krandall
7-31-09
Had enough, you arrogant cocksucker?
Your mom's cock is bigger than yours though. Maybe she's the one who stretched the bitch out.
My mother just died three days ago, you prick!
Yeah, I know. That's where I fucked your daughter's saggy little asshole. In the back of the hearse while you were at the funeral.

 

by krandall
7-31-09
Boy, life is pretty sweet since all the humans destroyed themselves 900 years ago. No more pesticides. No more lights flicking on when you least expect it.
Yeah.
It's cool that we actually developed intellgence and learned to talk. Plus we're 2300 times our size since the humans died out.
Yeah.
Well, I think I'm gonna head over to McDonalds and eat some of those fries we found under the table. They're all that remains of a once vast civilization.
Yeah.

 

by krandall
8-01-09
Wow. This has been a wonderful evening, Dan. First dinner. Then a great movie. And now drinks in a nice lounge.
So what happens now?
I never thought I'd say this, not after a first date, but... you wanna take me back to your place?
Score!
Your free evaluation of "Christy 2.0" has expired. Enter registration code to continue.
FUCK! Just when it was getting good!

 

by krandall
8-01-09
Your free evaluation of "Christy 2.0" has expired. Enter registration code to continue.
$49.95 for this piece of shit? Fuck that. I'm going to a warez site to download a crack.
Ten minutes later...
Oooh! Oh, yeah! Do me, baby! Harder! Your the best I've ever had. I'm gonna- *CRASH!!!*
WTF?
Three days later...
I'm afraid you got quite a nasty virus from "Christy 2.0". It's gonna cost $125 to clean it up.
And when I woke up, all my files were gone too! FUCK!

 

by krandall
8-01-09
What are YOU doing back here!? You've already ruined my life! Now get out, you crazy fucked up bitch!
Ah, don't be like that sweetie. I just wanna talk.
What the hell could you possibly have to say!?
I just wanted to let you know about a special offer. For $49.95 you could enjoy a fantstic evening with my friend "Clarissa 2.0"!
Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! Fuckin' Shareware!
See you later. I'll be back in 35 seconds with another offer.

 

by krandall
8-01-09
Mailman!
WTF? It's Sunday. You guys don't deliver mail on Sunday.
Actually these are all from "Chrissy 2.0". She figured you might be interested in some penis enlargement suppliments.
GAAAHHHHRRRRRGG! Get off my sidewalk before I shoot you, you brainless fuck!
So you don't want these 322 other offers either? K. I'll just leave these here. Be back in an hour.

 

by krandall
8-02-09
What a weekend it's been. I swear to God, I am NEVER touching another shareware program again!
Hey, big boy, wanna upload some data into my cache?
Oh no! Who the fuck are you, and how much is THIS gonna cost me now?
I'm Jenn 6.2. And I don't cost a thing. I'm freeware. Now let's fuck, baby!
And the moral of the story is... well, you figure it out, dude.

 

by krandall
8-02-09
Hey, Davey. I got a joke for you.
K. Let's hear it.
"Pussy." Ha ha ha!
I don't get it.
And you never will, bitch! HAHAHA!
Fuck. Pwned.

 

by krandall
8-02-09
Hey, Daphne. Check out my mouth. "Cocksuckers Cramp". Get it?
Heh heh. Good one. Yeah, I get it.
How often?
Huh? What? I- HEY!
Ha ha ha ha! Slut!
Shit! Pwned!

 

by krandall
8-02-09
Hey, Tim, is it true you only let your boyfriend fuck you in the ass on Wednesdays and Thursdays?
Oh my God! As if! NO!!!
Oh, so pretty much any day of the week is good for a nice backdoor reaming?
What? I- HEY!
Ha ha ha ha! Fag!
God dammit! Pwned!

 

by krandall
8-02-09
Why'd you get beat up originally in the first place, I mean before I added to it?
I put extra strength laxative in Barry's morning coffee, and when he shit his pants moments before the board meeting, I kicked him in the ass as hard as I could.
What the goddamn hell is wrong with you?
The shit squirted right out of his pants, all the way up his back and into his hair. It was hilarious.
Wait a second... he served ME coffee this morning too! Uh God... my stomach!
Five... four... three... two...

 

by krandall
8-02-09
It's been proven by Einstein's theory of relativity that the faster an object moves, the more mass it gains.
Which is odd...
This fat tub of shit hardly ever moves at all.
Can you go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich?

 

by krandall
8-02-09
Chuck Norris? It's you! Thank God! You're just in time! These 25 dudes just came outta nowhere and beat the shit out of me! It happened so fast. It was all a blur!
Actually that was me.
You? All of them? Why?
Because 18 minutes ago, you told your buddy Jim you thought Chuck Norris jokes were "so 2007". I heard it from L.A. and ran straight here.
Sorry, Chuck.

 

Okay, Carolanne. Don't be afraid now honey. Point out on the dolly where that mean old poltergeist touched you while you were on the "other side".
*sniffle*
by krandall, 8-03-09

 

by krandall
8-05-09
And last of all, our school tour ends with Professor Mislach, a man who hasn't slept since 1968.
Whoa. How'd he manage that?
He injected himself with an experimental brain stimulant. It had... unfortunate side effects.
He must have some pretty bizzare halucinations. I can't even imagine.
Gleeg florn beeble snook.
Mom? Is that you, mom? Hee... hee... Hi, mom!

Showing page 3.

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