All comics by lildeucecoup

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by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
I got my wife one of those new Razr Pphones for her birthday. She went Ga-Ga for all the new features.
I got a vasectomy.
Yeah.. That's pretty--
My wife was pricked with an AIDS needle at a frat party in college.
Good God, that's awful.
I agree. So, I decided I would do her a favor and not allow her to spread her disease of death any further across our great planet.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
I got my wife one of those new Razr Pphones for her birthday. She went Ga-Ga for all the new features.
I got a vasectomy.
Yeah.. That's pretty--
My wife was pricked with an AIDS needle at a frat party in college.
Good God, that's awful.
I agree. So, I decided I would do her a favor and not allow her to spread her disease of death any further across our great planet.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
I got my wife one of those new Razr Pphones for her birthday. She went Ga-Ga for all the new features.
I got a vasectomy.
Yeah.. That's pretty--
My wife was pricked with an AIDS needle at a frat party in college.
Good God, that's awful.
I agree. So, I decided I would do her a favor and not allow her to spread her disease of death any further across our great planet.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
Ever feel like somewhere along the way you made a horrible mistake and turned yourself into a pathetic little whiner who can't get off his ass and do anything?
Not around Christmas time.
It's September.
Don't use the "S" word in front of the tree.
How long do they live anyways?
I've been maintaining this tree since 1987. It's a child to me.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
Let's just say, we're both in a plane crash and we're the only two survivors, after we eat every other corpse, which of us gets to eat the other one.
I'd like to believe that we would fight to death. For honor and survival.
Let's say I broke my ribs and was unable to truly defend myself in a fistfight. Would you try to stay alive with me by feeding me small portions of yourself, perhaps your fingers or toes?
No, I definetly wouldn't do that.
I thought you were a friend.
I thought you were a friend before I found out that your pussy ass broke ribs in a lame plane crash. Grow up.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
My wife was out of town last weekend and she took the kids. I had the apartment all to myself all weekend.
I know, I hung out with you practically the whole week. You cocked that chick from high school. You also tried to cock that one black chick from high school, but you couldn't get it up.
Yeah, but I talked to alot of people about that and they all agreed that it was very common. They all offered me some advice and I was able to get it up for the next chick.
Yeah, you got it up, but when you took a shower sunday night your dick was covered in sores.
The doctor said that was probably just an allergic reaction to her diet or something and when she came on my cock so many times, I got an allergic reaction to it.
It's called herpes and I don't think it's a dietary issue.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
Yesterday while I was taking a shit at work, somehow a mosquito bit me right on the dick. It itches so bad.
How are you gonna explain the herpes like growth on your cock to your girlfriend?
I already explained that a mosquito bit my dick.
Can you put Benadryl cream on your dick or will it negatively affect my sex life?
Just don't use too much. You don't want it to accidentally get it in your pee hole.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
The other day me and the wife were fighting and I sort of held her down and pined her arms back and started working a finger into her asshole.
Ok...
Not like, IN HER ASSHOLE, but over the pants. At one point she literally started crying.
Why are you telling me this?
I couldn't think of a better ice breaker for the "If you ever fuck my wife I'll kill you with my bare hands" lecture.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-22-07
I wore those spandex biker shorts you love so much to work today.
Oh, sounds sexy.
It turned out to be a big hassle. My ass ended up sweating like crazy.
Well, it could have been worse. At least you still looked great.
It was all fun and games until I took a shit. There was no toilet paper in the room so I had to use my shirt to wipe the shit from my ass.
I really don't think you HAD to use your shirt.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-30-07
You're my son and I love you, but I just can't possibly respect you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I was born with an embarassing birth defect. I know it's made your life as a travelling salesman hard.
Your damn right it's made my job hard. You know how hard it is to sell bronzer when you can't even share photos of your child?
Just show them photos of my face and don't show them my hideous fish hand.
Your face is ugly too.
Oh, ok.

 

by lildeucecoup
9-30-07
It's hard being space pirates.
Maybe it's hard for you earthling. On my home planet of Aerosmith the occupation of space pirate is a pretty popular one.
You live on the planet Aerosmith?
Yes.
That's lame.
YOU'RE LAME ASSHOLE!

 

by lildeucecoup
10-01-07
I'm pregnant Ron!
Really? Oh, this is a bad time. I just put us seriously in debt to get Cubs playoff tickets.
I was thinking about going for an abortion wednesday morning as a human sacrifice to the gods before game 1 starts.
You know... for good luck.
I'm just speachless over how perfect you are.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-01-07
Heya Mark. Heard you were getting laid off. Started looking for a new job yet?
Yeah... I got my resume out there on Monster.com and what not. Hoping to get some calls.
Can you get real jobs that way or is that just for newspaper routes and volunteer work?
I'm not sure.
Yeah, I'm the Son of God so it really isn't that hard for me to find a job.
He's such a prick!

 

by lildeucecoup
10-01-07
Ever since you had your heart attack dad... I just wish that we had taken more time to get to know eachother better.
What is there to know? You're a woman. You're weak and I'm not really even sure you're mine.
Really? Why wouldn't you think I'm your daughter?
Your mother was a whore.
Well, fuck you then. I'm gonna go find my real dad.
I'm her real dad. I just don't like her.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-01-07
Last tuesday I saw this midget woman at the grocery store grocery shopping with her husband and kids. Her husband was HUGE and she was really buff.
Then last friday I saw another miget at Wal-Mart. She was riding around the store on a tricycle. She wasn't peddling it. Sort of just dragging it along with her feet.
Ya know, I'm really having a great time!
This is the worst first date ever.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
Mom, I need 35 dollars to buy a hooker for dad.
Geez, ya know... I just don't know if that's a good idea.
I just wanna get dad some scuzzy trash trim for his birthday.
Your father was just mentioning how he'd like some strange trim.. Sure I'll give you the money.
Thanks alot mom?
Was that a nazi salute?

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
Mom, I need 35 dollars to buy a hooker for dad.
Geez, ya know... I just don't know if that's a good idea.
I just wanna get dad some scuzzy trashy trim for his birthday.
Your father was just mentioning how he'd like some strange trim.. Sure I'll give you the money.
Thanks alot mom?
Was that a nazi salute?

 

I wish I died in that accident.
by lildeucecoup, 10-12-07

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
I'm gonna walk in there and nail this interview. I just gotta remember to stay positive. I should scream it at the top of my lungs just once.
STAY POSITIVE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!
Let's go do that damn thing.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
Hello, my name is Teddy Ruxpin and I'm here to interview for your engineering technician position.
Your name is Teddy Ruxpin? Like the toy from the 80's?
I'm sorry. I just blatantly lied to you about my name.
The name's "Macho Man" Randy Savage.
Have a seat.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
Well Mr. Savage. What makes you think you're good enough to be an engineering technician here at this particular company?
I've used a screw driver several times before and also I can check emails.
Did you bring a copy of your resume for us to keep on file?
I did.
You're hired. You start tomorrow.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
Hi, my name is Al Jolsen. I'm new here. I was just hired yesterday. Can you show me to my desk?
YOU DIDN'T BRING YOUR OWN DESK?
No, of course I didn't.
We're just going to have to lock you in the basement for the day.
He over powered me and locked me in the basement.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-12-07
I've been in this basement for close to a month now. It's actually wells tocked with Slim Jims.
Apparently they believe me to be the actual "Macho Man" Randy Savage instead of a compulsive liar.
LET ME THE FUCK OUT!!! OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!

 

Hey Mister! We're the only two left on this island.
I sure am glad I got this sandwich to eat.
by lildeucecoup, 10-12-07

 

Well, this is your desk-- WAIT A SECOND YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKING BAT!
I'M A BAT!
by lildeucecoup, 10-12-07

 

Why don't you sing me those ABC's just one more time.
Oh No! It's that dream where the cat guy molests me again!
by lildeucecoup, 10-13-07

 

by lildeucecoup
10-13-07
I been hearing alot about you buddy. Always talking about how you're some sort of big shot cause you got a suit of armor.
Yeah, I am a big shot. Mostly because I have this suit of armor, but also because it's paid for.
Fuck you pal! I'm a fucking fireman.
I got a suit of armor!
I'M A FIREMAN!!!
I GOT A SUIT OF ARMOR!!!

 

by lildeucecoup
10-13-07
You're big shit in that suit of armor huh? You have any idea what I could do with thise hose?
You could stroke it for me while I watched.
I'll be wearing the suit of armor while I watch.
YOU JUST CROSSED THE LINE ASSHOLE!!!

 

by lildeucecoup
10-14-07
I'm your father.
It makes sense.
I'm your father!
I'm your father!!!
You are my father... And I love you.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-26-07
Son, I buy you a condo and you paint the walls green? What the hell is wrong with you?
I just always wanted a condo with green walls. It matches my green hair and my green thumb.
Are you growing cannibus in here again?
Again?
I knew about the pot plants you grew in your closet as a young boy.
I'm sorry dad.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-26-07
WELCOME TO BACON ISLAND!!!
I've come to eat you.
PLEASE DON'T!
I'm sorry, but I have to do it.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-27-07
I've been huffing paint fumes all day hoping that small elf would come back and tell me where I hid all my money.
Every week I hide this money.
It's in your 401K you asshole.
Trippy.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-27-07
Mr. Alien, I'm gonna need you to turn around so I can give you a flu shot.
I've been huffing paint fumes all day. I can't remember if I'm at the doctor's office or if I'm imagining this whole thing.
I imagined it.

 

by lildeucecoup
10-27-07
Sometimes I just wonder what I could have done to make the world a better place.
I should have thought of a way to eliminate feces.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
So, you pumped about the Bulls trading for Kobe Bryant?
Paxson says that trade isn't going to happen and I couldn't be more happy. The guy is a ball hog.
I really think it would be a great move for the Bulls. With a player like Kobe you could probably make it to the finals, which is something this Bulls team could never do.
Yeah, except Kobe would rape all the white woman in town.
Wow, thats really racist.
FUCK YOU, YOU FAT HOMELESS NIGGER LOVER!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
Hi there, wanna buy some crack?
Excuse me? Are you talking to me?
Yeah, I was. Wanna buy some crack?
Why would I wanna buy crack?
Well..... You're black. You know the white man didn't invent this to destroy his own people you know.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
Can I take your order?
Trick or Treat!
Give me candy.
We don't sell candy. This is burger king.
I wish people still worked cash registers.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
Remember the mid 90's? Those were some crazy times.
Yeah, remember you used to watch friends every week.
Yeah... Remember you molested that teenage chick in your mom's mini van?
Uhhhh... yeah, that was...a dark time in my life.
Yeah, the mid 90's were full of regrets.
Yeah.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
Hey dad, I was talking to mom about the mid 90's today...
Did you mention that time you took the blame for that teenage girl I molested?
Yeah, I was wondering if you were ready to take the blame for that yet.
You know, the mid 90's were a time of regrets, son.
Yeah--
But that wasn't one of them. I'm taking that to the grave with me.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
Hows the food?
You're a bat.
You're spooky.
No more meeting children on the internet for me.
All that purple juice is making me sleepy.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
I'm going through a bunch of songs that I downloaded. I've run into a big batch of Bishop Allen songs.
I don't know what changed in my taste since I downloaded these...
But, I don't like Bishop Allen at all.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-02-07
Well, a random song by Caribou just played. It wasn't memorable. Now it's clap your hands and say yeah. I don't wanna like them just cause of their name.
I don't wanna like them cause this song sucks.
Just give it a chance maybe it'll grow on you.
Tell me one thing you like about this song.
Wait I'm still looking.
Love song no. 7 is not good by November 4rd standards.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-03-07
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
Oh my god... Do you have downs syndrome?
I'm guuuuuuuuuuuuugh...
Are you retarded?
That's the word I was looking for thanks alot.
Good to have you on board retard. I hope you're potty trained.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-10-07
Wow... Grandma really looks like shit.
When was the last time you ate grandma?
Just this afternoon I had some shredded yellow fin tuna in a savory broth with garden greens
That's cat food grandma.
It's not just a meal, it's a fancy feast.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-10-07
She's still talking and it still isn't making sense. I can't even understand it anymore.
*Random talking*
Oh my lord, I don't even know what she's saying anymore. I've been talking to myself in my head for at least 20 minutes now. I gotta say something fast...
He hasn't been listening to me at all, he's about to screech something nonsensical.
I'M OUTTIE 5000!!!!!
He's dreamy.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-15-07
Hello there youngster. I have to say, I wasn't expecting anyone else to be in the bathroom at this time.
I'm just on my way out.
Oh, don't leave on account of me. I don't mind a little company while I take my afternoon shit.
I'm already finished in here. I'm gonna just go so you can enjoy your shit in peace.
Nonsense! Come in the stall with me lets talk about your day.
I guess I can spare a couple of minutes.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-22-07
Bobby, I gotta ask you, what were you doing in the bathroom for over 45 minutes today?
I don't have to answer questions to you about my bathroom behavior.
You god damn well better answer my fucking question. When you're on the clock, I don't want you in there taking shits.
Dude it's cool, I wasn't taking a shit break.
Good. Then what were you doing?
I was jerking off.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
What are we doing in the middle of Arizona? We need to find my daughter. She's been kidnapped!
Actually, her boyfriend picked her up on his motorcycle and took her here to have an abortion.
My word! My little girl is pregnant with the future heir to the royal throne and she is having it aborted?
Thats right sir.
How responsible of her. She's only 14. I'm glad she knew well enough to get rid of it instead of having the child and letting it ruin her life.
I knew you'd be proud sir.

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
Hi there!
Hello, sir. You have any idea why I pulled you over today?
CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING FACIST ASSHOLE WITH A SMALL DICK WHO RAN OUT OF PEOPLE TO PICK ON AFTER HE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL?
Actually, your left blinker is out. You might wanna get that fixed. Just wanted to let you know.
Fucking facist!

 

by lildeucecoup
11-23-07
Hey buddy, can you spare some change?
Why don't you get a fucking job man? You Vietnam vets are always the same looking for a handout.
I'm actually a Gulf War vet.
You poor man. Take some change.
The worst part about the Gulf War was all the waiting.

Showing page 3.

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