All comics by pita

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by pita
3-02-02
Pssssst... over here... I need to tell you something...
What's up, dude ?
Your human is open, buddy ! Zip it up !

 

by pita
3-11-02
Well, sweetie, did you learn anything new at Sunday School this week ?
Yes, Momma, we learned all about the Ten Commandments...
let's see... the first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple...
The tenth commandment was "Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor's wife".... oh, and the seventh one was "Thou shalt not admit adultery"...

 

by pita
3-11-02
Alright, you guys, line up over here by the fence, and give me your licenses one at a time. First, you. You were the one driving ?
Yes sir, officer, sir !!!
Don't pay any attention to him, he's a smart - aleck when he's drunk !
Man, I wish you guys would make up your minds ! One day you take my license away and the next you expect me to show it to you !
I knew we weren't gonna get anywhere in a stolen car.
Say, you aren't going to look in the trunk, are ya ?

 

by pita
3-14-02
Now, a fellow officer provided a description of the alleged offender, right ? Do you trust your fellow officer ?
Yes, sir, with my life.
With your life ? Let me ask you this, then... You have locker rooms in the police station, right ? And do you keep a lock on your own locker, officer ?
Of course I do.
Why is it, then, that you trust your fellow officers with your life, but find it necessary to lock up your belongings in a room that you share with those same officers ?
You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

 

by pita
3-16-02
Damn these flies, they're driving me crazy !
There, I hammered 3 males and 2 females !
How can you tell the difference, honey ?
Easy... the males were on beer cans, the females were on the phone.

 

by pita
3-16-02
Hey, buddy, what's wrong?
Well, you know that girl I wanted to ask out but every time I even looked at her I'd get an erection? I finally got up enough nerve to call her and ask her out.
OK, that's a good thing, right? When are you going out?
The date was this evening. But I was worried I'd get an erection, so I duct - taped my penis to my leg. I got to her house, rang the bell, and she answered wearing the most beautiful dress...
Well, what happened then?
I kicked her in the face!

 

by pita
3-17-02
Can I help ye, laddie?
Somebody stole me car!
Well, where was it last time ye saw it?
'Twas at the end of me keys!
Uh, are ye aware yer exposin' yerself, son? Yer hangin' out all over the place!
Oh, Lawd, they've got me girl, too!

 

by pita
3-17-02
Man, I'd like to take that chick out fer a drink!
Oh, her? Don't bother, she's a lesbian.
Oh, that doesn't bother me... I'm gonna ask her out anyway.
Suit yourself.
Sooooooo... what part of Lesbia are you from?

 

by pita
3-21-02
Oh, wise and powerful Snow Man, my life is crap. Will things ever get any better for me ?
Well, for one thing, young lady, you should put a coat on. Even I'm cold today !
Awwww, don't worry.... Madame fortune will shine on you soon.
I sincerely doubt that. Her daughter, Miss Fortune, has already sabotaged everything !

 

by pita
3-22-02
I was waiting in the reception room to see a new Dentist when.... I noticed his Dental Certificate hanging on the wall, which bore his full name, and.... Hey! I went to school with this guy !
Naw, it couldn't be him... he's much too old...
Maura? I'm glad to meet you. Come on in and we'll get you set up for your exam and X-rays.
Say, did you graduate from Tech High in 1975 ?
Why, yes, I did !
You were in my class !
Really ? What did you teach ?

 

by pita
4-02-02
In a world where four out of five Dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum...
No fancy stuff, ya hear ? No Novocaine, no gas. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.
This one recommends Karo syrup, baklava, Coca-cola and taffy (due to some huge gambling debts)...
Wow, I wish all my patients were as brave as you ! Come on, then, show me which tooth it is.
Don't miss "Help Me Make It Through The Bite", coming soon to a theatre near you !
Come on, honey... show the doctor which tooth needs pulled now.

 

by pita
4-12-02
There's now a very handsome priest in the 'submitted' category, for those of you looking to make tasteful Christian comic strips.
Hey, everyone, Brad says that we can make chasteful Christian comic strips now.
That reminds me... I forgot my chastity belt...
Are you sure he didn't say tasty chicken coated strips?
Nah, that would have been tasty coated chicken strips.
What he said was "for those of you looking to make tasty children choirboys strip... "

 

by pita
4-20-02
I'm citing you for indecent exposure. If it happens again, you go to jail. What on earth were you thinking, walking through town buck naked like that?
Well, sherriff, I was in a bar, and this purty little redhead takes me to her trailer for the night... So things are really gettin' hot...
She takes off her top & asks me to take of my shirt, so I did. Then she takes off her skirt and panties and asks me to take off my pants and underwear, so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kinda sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy..."

 

by pita
4-26-02
Honey, if I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?
Well, probably. We've spent a lot of time and money fixing this house up the way we like it, I wouldn't want to sell it. I guess she would live here...
And would she sleep in our bed?
Well, probably. The bed is brand new, it's comfortable, and it was expensive...it'll last a long time.
And would she use my golf clubs?
Oh, no, honey! She's left - handed!

 

by pita
5-02-02
Two atoms were waking down the sidewalk when they accidentally bumped into each other...
Oh, gosh, I'm really sorry ! Are you OK ?
Well, actually...no ! I lost an electron !
Oh, no ! Are you sure ?
I'm positive.

 

by pita
5-08-02
Mom, I heard something in school today that really made me MAD !
What was it ?
In Social Studies, they said that in some parts of the world, like in Africa, a girl's husband is picked for her by her parents !
Yes, that's true.
So, she really doesn't even know her husband until she marries him !
Oh, honey, that's in every country, not just Africa...

 

by pita
5-18-02
OK, kids, Sunday school lesson is over... and what did we learn today ?
That Jesus loves the little children !
Yes, all the children of the world !
When Jesus is done loving all the little children, will he have to go to jail, too ?

 

by pita
6-09-02
Oh, man, the lights went out... Now's a good time to practice golfing... Back straight, knees bent... hold *putter* loosely...
Head down... quiet, please! Heh-heh... No staring while others address their balls...
Oh my god, you heard every word of that, didn't you? How embarassing!
Just don't let anyone see you taking those extra strokes, man!

 

by pita
6-26-02
Pita wants to send flowers to Kaufman.
She sent me over to see what it entails to deliver them F.T.D.
Ughh! Why would anyone want to see entrails?

 

by pita
6-26-02
Ooooh, baby... I just love to see you erect...
She is so cool ! She even loves to see me eruct !
Oh, really? Watch this one, then... BUURRRRRPPP!!!!!

 

by pita
6-26-02
THE SYSTEM IS FAILING !!! ABORT !!! ABORT !!!
Amort? He must mean amortize...
I did that with the house payment, maybe I should think about the spaceship, as well... I ...

 

by pita
6-26-02
How dare you diss my man !
I didn't diss him ! She said I kissed him !
Oh, that's different, then...

 

by pita
6-26-02
Honey, I need gumbo for the stew tonight. Here's my credit card... run down to the store for me. Watch out for cars !
Okay, momma...
Momma needs jumbo... here's her credit card.
O.K., sweetie... coming right up.
Boy, this is sure gonna make a lot of soup !

 

by pita
6-26-02
What the...? I don't know who you are, or where you came from...
But I said I wanted Pastries for this party...
Not pasties. Now get lost !

 

by pita
7-22-02
This is truly marvelous! The last time I came to Kabul for an interview, women were required to walk ten feet behind their husband at all times!
Now, I see, the men are walking several yards behind their wives. Can you tell the free world just what enabled Afghani women to achieve such a reversal of roles?
Land mines.

 

by pita
8-08-02
Maura, I just can't live without you. I've tried so hard to get my mind off the penguins.
I went to a Seal concert. Seems I don't care much for rock music. Then I tried Sole. It was O.K., but then I thought I'd try Opera next...
Maybe if I'd stayed for the Opus...
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS !!!

 

by pita
8-09-02
Hello, I'm here this evening to give a testimonial for the Bradkins Diet. It completely changed my life !
I lost 30 comics in just 10 minutes! Granted, they were disposable from the get-go, but when I was freed from prison, I was elected as the Bradkins poster child 2002!
If only I hadn't killed Pete when I found him in bed with that goddamned penguin...

 

by pita
8-17-02
So, what have you been up to lately?
I just bought a brand new hearing aid.
It cost me $6,000.00, but it's worth it. State of the art.
Oh? What kind is it?
Twelve thirty.

 

by pita
8-17-02
Shortly after Helmut's complete physical...
Good to see you again! You seem to be doing well.
Just doin' what you said, doc. "Get a hot mama and be cheerful!"
I didn't say that! I said "You've got a heart murmer... Be careful!"

 

by pita
9-16-02
"Smile", they said. "It could be worse."... So I did. And it was.
I just can't take it any more...
It looks like you're trying to write a suicide note......... How can I help ??? * Arsenic * French Fries * Pastries * Weapons * Pills
You're a miserable little creep, aren't you?
Why, no, I'm clappy as a ham!

 

by pita
9-27-02
Right this way, Ma'am. I've got your bags for you. Watch your step...
Young man, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. I paid good money for this room, and there's no proper ventilation, not enough light, no bed, plus it's too small. This just won't do!
But, Ma'am, this isn't your room... it's the elevator...

 

by pita
9-27-02
People come and they come... all day long, in and out, in and out...
I discharge loads from my shaft constantly...
Both males and females go down on me... Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm an elevator.

 

by pita
10-05-02
Hey, DexX... what's with the ostrich?
Craziest damn thing... I was praying the other night and asked for a beautiful chick with long legs...
I see... would you like to borrow my nasal spray?
Erm... no... why?

 

by pita
10-14-02
Emma, do you still get horny?
Of course I do... don't you?
Well, yes, indeed. So, what do you do about it?
I suck on a lifesaver.
I see... so that's why you spend so much time at the beach!

 

by pita
10-25-02
I was never a baby. A precocious child at age 4... life was wonderful...
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...and the dreams that you dreamed of once in a lullabye...
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly...
Be careful what you dream of...
and the dreams that you dreamed of, they really do come true...

 

by pita
10-25-02
I was raised in a poor, black family (not really) with 14 kids (I think some of them belonged to the neighbors).
Ah, sugar... honey, honey... you are my candy, girl... and you've got me wanting you...
I was a good girl, loved those boys but held to my morals.

 

by pita
10-25-02
I somehow made it to 7th grade, and there was the most wonderful blue-eyed creature I'd ever laid eyes upon.
Children, behave. That's what they say when we're together... And watch how you play...
They don't understand, and so we're running just as fast as we can, holding onto one another's hand...
13 years old and in love... My parents are going to kill me.
Trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground, and then you say...
"I think we're alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around... I think we're alone now, the beating of our hearts is the only sound..
Sorry, it's the closest thing to a cricket I could find...
Oh, come, now...
I can't, I'm not ready yet...

 

by pita
10-25-02
Love started drinking, smoking and taking drugs, like everyone in the 70's. He was always way ahead of me. I didn't approve, and I was afraid.
I recall the night we knelt and prayed. Noticing your face was thin and pale...
When we were assigned to different high schools, we gradually grew apart. I thought of him from time to time and song to song...
I found it hard to hide my tears. I felt ashamed, I felt I'd let you down...
No, mandolin wind couldn't change a thing, couldn't change a thing... oh, no...
Besides, what business does a 15 year old kid have accepting an engagement ring?
And I love you, yes indeed I love you...

 

by pita
10-25-02
So, at age 16 I thought I could do better, and wanted "more out of life".
Brenda & Eddie were still going steady in the summer of '75...
when they decided the marriage would be at the end of July...
I latched onto a future electrician, who provided more (materially).
So they got an apartment and deep pile carpet...
and a couple of paintings from Sears.
A giver, sympathetic, willing to support me while I stayed at home like a good wife should.
They started to fight when the money got tight
and they just didn't count on the tears...

 

by pita
10-25-02
Love popped in every now and then, just to see how I was doing and brighten my day a little...
We found a stable little house on Stable Road for our "stable" little family.
Our house... is a very, very, very fine house. With two cats in the yard...
My husband, a control freak, chipped away who I am and what I believed in, little by little.
Life used to be so hard. Now, everything is easy, 'coz of you...

 

by pita
10-25-02
I did not believe in divorce. Every time he verbally, emotionally or physically abused me...
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man?
Yeah, and didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can?
I forgave him and stayed.
Come on, come on... Just take it, take another little piece of my heart, now, baby.
Break it, break another little bit of my heart...
Hi, I'm Captain Obvious. She didn't know that was called "Battered Wife Syndrome".

 

by pita
10-25-02
I began to grow up (a little) and realized that there is more to life than being "stable" on Stable.
And when you stop and think about it, you won't believe it's true...
That all the love you've been giving has all been meant for you.
There's love, for instance.
I'm looking for someone to change my life... I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me, to lose the love I knew...
Real love.
Could safely lead me to the land that I once knew...
To learn as we grow old the secrets of our souls...

 

by pita
10-25-02
Despite being trapped in a loveless marriage, I still did not believe in divorce.
Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
Of course, I fell into a deep, dark abyss of depression for many years.
Once upon a time there was light in my life
now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say...
A total eclipse of the heart.

 

by pita
10-25-02
Muddling through a horrendous "marriage" as best I could, I filled up the missing pieces in my heart with tears, and more food than any one human needs to consume...
I've had a hole in my heart for so long, I've learned to fake it and just smile along
Out on the street, those men are all the same... I need a love, not games... not games.
I needed out.
That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion...
Every whisper of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions, trying to keep up with you...
Like a hurt, lost, blind old fool... Oh, no, I've said too much....

 

by pita
10-25-02
I started to regain some semblance of who I was and what I had once believed in.
Why drink the water from my hands, contagious as you think I am?
Just tilt my sun towards your domain, your cup runneth over again...
Why follow me to higher ground, lost as you swear I am?
Don't throw away your basic needs, ambiance and vanity...
Don't scream about, don't think aloud...
Turn your head, now, baby just spit me out...

 

by pita
10-25-02
The Bastard, hereunto known as TB, (thank you, DexX... sounds like a disease, as it should)
You might throw your rock, hide your hand,
Work in the dark with your fellowman...
still doesn't understand that you cannot treat people like that and get away with it.
You might run on, for a long time, run, boy, duckin' and dodgin'
Run on, for a long time... Let me tell you, God almighty's gonna cut you down.
Not for long, anyway.
I did you right, babe.
Run.

 

by pita
10-25-02
I finally got up enough courage to end the chaotic lunacy I once thought was a marriage.
Baby, what did you expect me to do, just sit around and wait on you?
Well, I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth. I know it sounds trite, I've seen the light.
Still dealing with the emotional scars,
Bye bye, love. I'll catch you later, got a left foot down on my accelerator...
and my rearview mirror torn off, I ain't never lookin' back, you can count on that
but between wonderful friends, family and Zoloft, I'm clawing my way up out of the ravine I was in and moving on.
I've tried all I can imagine, I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion...
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride...Bye bye, my baby...

 

by pita
10-31-02
So, tell me... how did you end up with the peg - leg?
We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off
Wow! What about your hook?
We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off
Incredible! How did you get the eye - patch?
A seagull dropping fell into my eye. Stop looking at me that way, it was my first day with the hook!

 

by pita
11-01-02
Ohmm
Ohmm
Ohmm
Ohmm
Ohmm
Ohmm

 

by pita
11-29-02
Hey, DexX ! Good to see you ! How's it goin' ?
Oh, okay. Have to visit the in-laws all bloody weekend, though... *sigh* It's my father-in-law's 50th birthday.
Ugghh... in-laws... be friendly with them, smile a lot and fake it.
I plan to get totally hammered...
That sounds like fun.
Plus I might do some drinking...

Showing page 3.

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