All comics by r2_d2

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by r2_d2
4-26-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ sabuwolf/225900:  R2 and Capt. Stan chat in the ship's break room.
So you're the Captain, eh?  Does that mean you can marry people aboard the ship?  'Cuz I think Jenna's still around here somewhere—
Let me just warn you, horndog, that in the Ancient Klingon tradition, I also reserve the right to kill any member of my crew who doesn't meet my expectations.
Capt. Stan, please report to the cargo hold.  And bring some duct tape with you, I'm pretty sure R2 has some.
Is that water cooler talking to us?
Jebus! No wonder I'm the Captain, my crew's a moron!  That's the P.A., dumbass.
And somewhere in a dark and dusty cargo hold, Stan's tale takes a turn for the worse ...
'Ello, what's all this, then?

 

by r2_d2
4-26-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/226275
Now where could he be?  Why would he call me down here, unless—
Xenu springs into action!
Hee-yah!
D-oh!  I dropped the Duct Tape!
Deflty Duct-Taping Capt. Stan to the Bomb, Xenu Returns to the Bridge
Oooooh, Xenu is going to pay for this.
[Bomb Armed] [Detonation in 0:30:00]

 

by r2_d2
4-26-04
Here I go, again on my own
Damn you, R2!
What? What did I do?
You know how much I hate it when you do love songs.

 

by r2_d2
4-27-04
Okay, I've mounted the filesystem, and now I'll just download the newer version of this programme before I burn the CD—
[Read only filesystem]
Damnation!  How do I mount that filesystem read-write?
$ man mount
Well, if you insist—
Fsck! Will someone just shoot me?

 

by r2_d2
4-27-04
Midnight - 5:00 a.m.
5:00 a.m. - 11:00 p.m.
Zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz
11:00:01 p.m.
Oh, shit.  I was supposed to go to class today.

 

by r2_d2
4-28-04
Hello, readers, I'm R2.  I don't like to do one-panels.
However, in this case, I couldn't be true to the original material and still add a setup.
So I figured I'd add these two soliloquies as "filler".
With that in mind, I give you the following:
'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
D'oeth!

 

by r2_d2
4-29-04
I want my MTV
I want my MTV
Seriously.  I want my MTV back.  Remember when Ozzy was actually cool?  Or when Wanted (Dead or Alive) was the coolest video you'd ever seen?  We can get that back.

 

by r2_d2
4-29-04
For my dad's 40th birthday a few years ago, we went to a restaurant for steaks.  Naturally, my sister didn't know how to order properly.  An hour after we ordered, the waitress came back:
I'm sorry, but because you ordered your steak well-done, it won't be ready for another 45 minutes.
LOL! It's my fault for being too big an idiot to want to be able to enjoy the taste.  I'll just sate myself with the buffet until then.
Oooh!  I know what I'm having!
Back at the table:
I got pudding!
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

 

by r2_d2
5-02-04
So SCO finally withdrew their allegation that the GPL is unconstitutional.
Well, yes and no.  It's not in their counterclaim, but Blake Stowell's still contending that it is.
That's mighty strange.
But I suppose they don't want to actually have to prove such a ridiculous claim in court.
Why? It hasn't stopped any of their other ridiculous claims.

 

by r2_d2
5-02-04
So I'm trying to figure this out.  First, Microsoft makes "Windows NT", obviously trying to make us think of the New Testament.
Then, they come out with "XP", an obviously blasphemical allusion to the "Chi-Rho" symbol.  But I just can't for the life of me figure out where they're getting "Longhorn" from.
Isn't it obvious?  Check your bible, son.  It's all in Revelation 17:3.
You mean, And he carried me away in spirit into a wilderness. And I saw a woman sitting upon a scarlet-colored beast containing names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns?
Bingo.

 

by r2_d2
5-02-04
I
Finally, I can make a proper sacrifice to my Dark Lord.  Hail, Satan!
II
I believe we were supposed to mutilate the cattle, and give the humans the anal probe.
To late for "supposed to"s.
III
I smell bacon!

 

by r2_d2
5-02-04
Ba-da-ba-ba-baaa! McDonald's! I'm Lovin' It!
What does that small print say?  "All major credit cards accepted"?
Now why the fuck would they need to do that?  Do the fat fucks in this nation need to finance their fast food bills now?
Okay, that's thirty-seven Big Macs, fourteen ten-piece McNuggets, and forty-two Supersized fries.  Anything else?
A diet Coke.  It's a good thing the bank opened up a branch next to the food court; I had to take out a third mortgage on my trailer.

 

by r2_d2
5-04-04
And where were you on the night of June 18, 2002?
I'd like to take a fifth.
You mean "The Fifth", right?
Of course not.
I'd like a fifth.  Of bourbon.  You're a member of the bar, right Your Honour?

 

by r2_d2
5-04-04
I'm sorry, Your Honour, but I cannot continue to represent my client.
And why is that?
Well, Your Honour, it's a conflict of interest.  My own wife left me this morning.
And how does that affect this case?
I already told you, you're on her.

 

by r2_d2
5-05-04
Do you evel feer rike we wele being discliminated against on Stlipcleatol?
Why, whatever do you mean?
Arr te stlips featuling te two of us speaking in hollibly bloken Engrish?
I'd say that's chiefly your concern, as I, like most Asian-Americans, am well-educated and I properly enunciate.
But it's so stupid! Arr tey do is switch te 'r's and te 'l's!  I mean, c'mon, peopre, show some oliginality!
Tell me about it.  I just got back from Boston.  They have no idear which words are supposed to have 'r's in them.

 

by r2_d2
5-06-04
The jury has found you guilty of First-Degree Murder.  Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?
I'd like to confer with my lawyer first.
What should I say?
There's only one thing you can say...
Your Honour, I refuse to recognise the jurisdiction of this Court.

 

by r2_d2
5-07-04
Big Bottom, Big Bottom, Talk about mudflaps my girl's got 'em
Big Bottom, Drive me outta my mind, How can I leave this behind?
You're singing about the women in Ohio this time, right?
That depends.  Where's your mom living these days?

 

by r2_d2
5-11-04
"Should the tort of educational malpractise be recognised when educators graduate students who are unable to read and write at a basic level?  Support with policy and legal reasoning."
"Yes.  Educational malpractise is a great idea, because I could sue you, professor <YOUR NAME HERE>."

 

by r2_d2
5-18-04
http://tinyurl.com/32so4
Time to check the news, see what's happening in the world.
'Odd Couple' Star Tony Randall Dies at 84
Oh, that's kinda sad.  I was hoping there'd be some way I could make a joke about something in the news, but you just can't joke about someone dying.
Randall is survived by his second wife - who made him a father for the first time at age 77 - and their two children, 7-year-old Julia Laurette and 5-year-old Jefferson Salvini.
Ha ha!  Maybe I was wrong, after all!

 

by r2_d2
5-18-04
http://starmatch.vg.no/
I just found this kickass website. It's in Norwegian, but apparently what you do is upload a photo of yourself, and it analyzes your face to determine which celebrities you most resemble.
Sounds cool.  So who did you get?
Well, I ran it a couple times to be scientific.  I got Al Pacino a few times, and Hasselhoff.  What was really weird, though, was I also matched Gorbachev, Saddam, and Hitler.
And the Pope.
Hold on, I'm still trying to come up with a "Hitler's Ass" joke.

 

by r2_d2
5-18-04
So last month was my parents' anniversary.
But I missed it, because I thought they were married two months before I was born, but it was actually two months and a week.
You BASTARD.
Not quite.

 

by r2_d2
5-19-04
Just pick your preferred first panel: Panel A: Nov. 2, 2004:
I just voted for Bush!
or, Panel B: Nov. 2, 2004:
I just voted for Kerry!
You BASTARD!

 

by r2_d2
5-27-04
Let us never speak of this again.
Agreed.

 

by r2_d2
5-28-04
I got lazy again and decided to do another Babelfish Strip. I did this one with German, in honour of Enterprise's incredibly well-thought out decision to nearly end the series with a Nazi Alien
As the legal been faculty is going for you?
It receives quite aggravating. I have in, community customer teachers of the general school to fall out geerwogen and become.
And, no, "property" in the title is not a typo on my part.
But you hate children as much as, I!
I hate also the general educational system.
Thus do you wish a straight job, which you must only work on nine months from the year?
And where I receive, at other too kreischen all day.

 

by r2_d2
6-01-04
Story:  http://tinyurl.com/2pstv
Let's see what's going on in the news.
Headline:  Forget Splitting Atoms, Split a Banana for Energy
Hmmm, that sounds interesting.  I think I'll read this article.
"SYDNEY (Reuters) - Australian scientists have discovered what sportsmen and women around the world have known for years:  bananas are a great source of instant energy."
I don't get it.  Are they saying that bananas are only eaten by men who partake in sports or are scientists, but by all women?
I could show you some web pages involving women and bananas, if it'd help.

 

by r2_d2
6-01-04
During any Harry Potter movie:
Hey, baby, am I the only one getting really turned on right now?
During Schindler's List:
Hey, baby, am I the only one getting really turned on right now?
During The Blob:
Hey, baby, am I the only one getting really turned on right now?  No, not you, Sarah, I'm on my cell phone with your mom.

 

by r2_d2
6-03-04
Boom! goes London / And boom! Pari / More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world 'round / Will just be another American town
They all hate us anyhow / So let's drop the big one now / Let's drop the big one now!
By golly, I like how this guy thinks!

 

by r2_d2
6-05-04
Mmmm ... this is a great hamburger!
What are you doing?
A eulogy.
For Reagan?  How does a hamburger make a eulogy?
Well, it's also a tribute to the coolest Nintendo game of all time.
Ah.

 

by r2_d2
6-07-04
Hmm, I wonder if there's anything good on TV?
Meanwhile, on TV:
Hmm, I wonder if there's anything good on TV?
Aw, I've seen this one already.  I wonder what else is on?
[Changes Channel]

 

by r2_d2
6-14-04
So the Olsen twins are finally 18.
I see.  Won't you please excuse me for a moment?
What happened to you?
Trust me, you don't want to know.

 

by r2_d2
6-18-04
[Editor's Note:  I did not plan this comic out ahead of time.  I just started with an e-mail I got this morning and let it run from there.]
Hodiaŭ mi gratulas al vi. Multe da sanon kaj feliĉon! Maria el Slovakujo
[Not that I generally do plan these—or any—things out, mind you.]
Hrm....
Yes.  The only person who cares it's your birthday is halfway across the world and doesn't speak English.  You loser.
Wait a minute—did you just talk?
Every inanimate object gets to come to life once for thirty seconds to make fun of you, R2.  I thought you knew that.

 

by r2_d2
6-24-04
Y'know how we could solve the problem of your flat chest?  Getting you knocked up.
Look, bitch, either get in the kitchen or lose the slacks.  It's 5:00 and I gotta eat something.
I have something you don't have!
Yeah, a six-figure salary.

 

by r2_d2
6-24-04
She seems to have an invisible touch, yeah! / She reaches in, grabs right 'hold of your heart!
She seems to have an invisible touch, yeah!/ It takes control and slowly tears you apart.
This is not what I expected "Project Genesis" to be.
Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

 

by r2_d2
6-30-04
Here we are / Born to be kings
We're the Princes of the Universe!
Ach! Laddy, that's nae what a Highlands Festival's supposed to be!
Ay, and can ye believe we actually paid £2 to hear him sing?
Hey, lassie, wanna toss me caber?
I have got to stop coming to these things.

 

by r2_d2
6-30-04
Man, that was awesome!
Damn skippy.
Where have I seen Doc Ock before?  I know he looks familiar.
Dude, that's Alfred Molina.  Remember, he was the guy at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy was going after the idol?
Ah.  Damn, he's really improved himself since Happy Days.
Why do I even bother talking to this guy?

 

by r2_d2
7-01-04
Believe it or not, at least one woman will talk to R2:
i have to get going ... bye sex kitten
Wow.  That's the closest to a come-on line I've ever gotten.
Moments later ...
Wait a minute—if she called me "sex kitten", then she must think I'm a chick!
[I'll start a web page for the two of you.]

 

by r2_d2
7-02-04
Could I get a buck for the jukebox?  There's a definitely Backstreet Boys Blight in here tonight.
Well, in my bar, anyway.
Vodka martini.  Shaken, not stirred.
I just got off the plane Port-au-Prince.
Oooh, so you're French.  Wanna have sex?

 

by r2_d2
7-02-04
In my pub:
I'm telling you, man, Rolling Rock is better than Guinness.
In an Irish pub:
I'm telling you, man, Bass is better than Guinness.
I just got off the plane Port-au-Prince.
Oooh, so you're French.  Wanna have sex?

 

by r2_d2
7-02-04
Another Æsop fable from Project Gutenberg
A Crow was sitting on a branch of a tree with a piece of cheese in her beak when a Fox observed her and set his wits to work to discover
some way of getting the cheese. Coming and standing under the tree he looked up and said, "What a noble bird I see above me!
www.gutenberg.net/1/1/3/3/ 11339/11339-h/11339-h.htm #THE_FOX_AND_THE_CROW
If only her voice is as sweet as her looks are fair, she ought without doubt to be Queen of the Birds." The Crow was hugely flattered by this,
and just to show the Fox that she could sing she gave a loud caw.  Down came the cheese, of course, and the Fox, snatching it up, said, "You have a voice, madam, I see: what you want is wits."
The moral, of course is that Women are even hungrier for compliments than they are for condiments.
Have you ever been to Indiana?  Trust me, no woman I know is giving up a piece of cheese that easily.

 

by r2_d2
7-03-04
Happy birthday!  I got you a "Mr. Coffee".
Well, I prefer tea, but thanks!  I'll go brew up a pot.
Okay, let's see here.  I think this is the power button—
What the?
What happened?
You idiot!  That was a "Mr. Kafka"!

 

by r2_d2
7-06-04
Today John Kerry announced his selection of John Edwards to be his running mate.
At Kerry HQ:
So John, why would you make a good veep?
I can see you're troubled ... you need assistance ...
A running mate, yes!  I need a running mate!
Yes, a running mate.  His name was George, or Jeff, or something like that, with a "J"?  He wants you to stop worrying about your job, or the money, or perhaps your wife.

 

by r2_d2
7-12-04
So, I hear you've decided on a career.
Yes.  I'm going to be an actor.
I think I'll start out small, joining a local production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
YOU?!?  You're too gangly to play Rocky, and it ruins the illusion for Magenta to have a beard.
Stop smothering me!

 

by r2_d2
7-17-04
Whadaya say we use those candles to fire up the incense and put Dark Side of the Moon on the turntable?
I'm just a sweet Transvestite / From Transexual, Transylvania, a-ha!
Like I always say, "Ghandi is dandy, but liquour is quicker!"

 

by r2_d2
7-17-04
Hello, Dalai!
There goes the Holy Father in the Popemobile.
Wow, he's like the boy in the bubble!
Would you like to try our Sausage McMuffin?

 

by r2_d2
9-21-04
R2!  What've you been up to?
Well, I dropped out of law school, because I was thinking too clearly.  Now I'm working as a tailor.
Go ahead and say it; everyone already knows the punchline already:
Tailor?  I just met her!

 

by r2_d2
9-21-04
Yet another Æsop fable from Project Gutenberg
A Peacock taunted a Crane with the dullness of her plumage.
"Look at my brilliant colours," said she, "and see how much finer they are than your poor feathers."
www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/1/3/ 3/11339/11339-h/11339-h.htm#THE_ PEACOCK_AND_THE_CRANE
"I am not denying," replied the Crane, "that yours are far gayer than mine;
"but when it comes to flying I can soar into the clouds, whereas you are confined to the earth like any dunghill cock."
What exactly is the moral of this one?
There isn't one, really, I just wanted to use the words "gay", "dung", and "cock" in one three-line fable.  That ought to screw with the kids' heads, eh?

 

by r2_d2
9-28-04
Can I help you?
Yes.  I have this stun gun for which I require a new battery.
Well, we don't really sell batteries for those.
Oh, but it's just a rechargeable 9-V.  Take a look.
This is a garage door opener with some exposed wires in a shoebox with the words "STUN GUN" scrawled on the side with a Sharpie™  And you've misspelled it "STUNT GUN"!
Yeah, I bought it from the guy who killed Brandon Lee.

 

by r2_d2
9-28-04
Continued from Previous Strip
Okay, well, we don't sell nicads here; only those big-ass flashlight batteries.  Maybe you should try Radio Shack.
RADIO SHACK!?!  Oh, no!
And yes, a guy really said this to me.
What?
I don't go near that place.  They control you with their mind-rays.  I live right over here behind the cemetary, but I've stayed away from Radio Shack in 15 years, and I'm not going back.
Even worse, this was his actual justification—verbatim.
You know, on the list of "People Who Should Be Allowed To Have Stun Guns", you're definitely right up near the top.
It was my wife's, but then she retired from the hospital.

 

by r2_d2
10-15-04
So how's the tailoring job?
It's complete shite.  But what really sucks is that I got an interview for a better job.
Shouldn't that be a good thing?
Ordinarily, yes.  But I can't get to the interview, because I work all friggin' day.
So, why don't you just skip out of work to go?
'Cuz then I'd get fired.  Dumbass.

 

by r2_d2
10-20-04
The Red Sox win the AL pennant!
Hot damn!
Is it just me, or is Johnny Damon turning into Jesus?
Coming this October to a ballpark near you, The Passing of the Curse.
Wait a minute—losing this fatass has kept us from winning a World Series for 86 years?  Someone wanna explain that logic?

Showing page 3.

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