All comics by themushroom

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by themushroom
1-29-08
THANK YOU FOR INVITING TOBOR INTO YOUR HOME! NOW LET THE CORNHOLING BEGIN!
I have to tell you something before you start. You gave me gonorrhea the last time I saw you.
IT WASN'T ME!

 

by themushroom
1-29-08
[props to George Carlin]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!
That's why you should never hire people with hooks to handle your rectal thermometers.

 

by themushroom
2-01-08
TOBOR RUB MAGIC LAMP. GENIE SAY "YOU GET THREE WISHES". I SAY "I WANT TO CORNHOLE FIRST 3 GUYS IN AUDIENCE!" GENIE SAY "GRANTED!" AND GO POOF. ATTENTION FRONT ROW: REAL SHOW START IN 5 MINUTES.
ahhaah!
hehehe! wait...
heh heh heh!
I don't get it...

 

Conclusion of the 5th Annual Inter- national Dismemberment Competition:
You win.
It's all in the technique.
by themushroom, 2-04-08

 

by themushroom
2-11-08
The writers' strike reaches zombies:
braaaains...
liiiines...

 

by themushroom
2-12-08
So how are you doing in your network security class?
I think I'm gonna bomb this one.
Why? You've only been there two weeks!
Between working with such new hardware and the Goth girls in black lace in the class, I keep blowing loads in my drawers.
How many does that make?
42.

 

by themushroom
2-14-08
Honey? I need twenty dollars.
What the hell do you need it for?
Well, I need to buy a new bra.
Why the hell do you need a bra?
thanks to comics/fartblower/422393/
Have you ever noticed these things on my chest?
Your points, being?

 

by themushroom
2-28-08
From an overplayed radio ad for a forehead thermometer:
Time to take your temperature!
But my ears hurt!
What the fuck does this have to do with your EARS?! Bend over and smile...
*sigh*

 

by themushroom
2-28-08
I love you.

 

by themushroom
3-03-08
I seek universal health care for all Americans!
I want our tax dollars to be invested in America, not a war.
As the debates go on, the distinctions between the two Democratic candidates become less distinct, to the point where it's nearly a dead heat because people don't see where the two differ.
Here now we reveal what is different between the two Democrats.
I want our tax dollars to be invested in America, not a war.
I seek universal health care for all Americans!

 

by themushroom
3-03-08
I seek universal health care for all Americans!
I want our tax dollars to be invested in America, not a war.
As the debates go on, the distinctions between the two Democratic candidates become less distinct, to the point where it's nearly a dead heat because people don't see where the two differ.
Here now we tell what qualification each has for coming into office.
I'm a female who knows govermnent well. And I'm not George Bush.
I'm black and fresh to politics. And I'm not George Bush.

 

Man, that girl could work a urinal!
ahhh.
*ssssss*
by themushroom, 3-06-08

 

by themushroom
3-15-08
Our new head of department is said to be quite a strange guy. I wonder when he'll turn up here.
I've turned up here.
Wait... the new head of the department is me?!
Yes, but way more successful.

 

by themushroom
3-15-08
I seek universal health care for all Americans!
I want our tax dollars to be invested in America, not a war
These are the things that the Democratic candidates are saying out loud.
But what are they really wanting you to think, whether they can vocalize it outwardly or not?
Have you ever noticed my opponent is black? And has a name that sounds Muslem? Doesn't that scare you?
Have you had a good look at my opponent's face? And that she still sleeps with Bill? Doesn't that scare you and  your kids?

 

by themushroom
3-16-08
In regional news, a tornado touched down at the sewage treatment plant in Nearby. The tornado died down after 15 minutes, but not before sucking up...
...ten thousand gallons of raw sewage. We go now to 3 News weatherman, Peter Puller. Pete, what's the weather report for Spackletown?
There's a shitstorm coming.

 

by themushroom
3-18-08
Hey, little sis. I was hopin' you could help me come up with a good name for my rawk band.
Sure thing!
We're, like, hard rock with Indian influences. I was thinkin' stuff like "Punjabbers" or "Subcontinental Drifters" but those seem real weak.
And can appear on a readerboard, unlike "Shitar".
Huh, yeah.
How about...
The Furious Curry Squirts?

 
by themushroom, 3-18-08

 
by themushroom, 3-18-08

 
by themushroom, 3-18-08

 

by themushroom
3-20-08
TGG had what she considered a deep dark secret, though it was a rather common one: she was hooked on American Idolotry. She'd record it at home but sneak peeks at work.
pitchy, dawg. I dunno, maaan...
She wasn't particularly into the music and was not attracted by the cults of personality of the judges. Beyond the fun of the tryouts, there was only one reason she watched the program.
dreadful. that's about as exciting as wallpaper.
Like many viewers, she watched the show just to drool at the contestants.
I could seriously drag Brooke to the Dark Side. *slurp* Carly & Amanda are roomies?! *pant* Hot Ramiele- on-Jason action...

 

by themushroom
3-21-08
It has been revealed to both of us that our passport records have been viewed by unauthorized parties!
It's probably lucky we're so high profile since none of you are ever told who's snooping in your records.
To which Condoleeza Rice said:
None of us wants to have a cirumstance in which any American's passport file is looked at in an unauthorized way...
isn't it ironic... don't you think?
This proves a couple points. First, that the piss some call rain falls on the just and the unjust equally...
...Second, that Bush's policies on domestic spying make Nixon's policies seem like a jelly jar against a bedroom wall.

 

by themushroom
3-25-08
Hi Melvin.
So, Chen, what are you doing in my backyard?
Dude, we live in a duplex. We share a backyard. And you are on my side of it.
Oh... So, Chen, what am I doing in our backyard?
Looks like you are taking a shit on the lawn that you will blame on my dog. My dachshund doesn't make turds that massive and never eats corn, peanuts & carrots.
Be happy you don't have a cat. I'd be loading up its box.

 

I don't get it, baby. We did it eight ways to Sunday but you wouldn't go down on me?
I can't help it. Clowns taste funny.
by themushroom, 3-26-08

 

What if... Clark Kent were a mailman instead of a mild-mannered reporter?
Postman Kent? I know who you are.
What do you mean, Billy Batson?
by themushroom, 4-07-08

 

by themushroom
4-10-08
Hey, I'm ready to move in now...
Wait. Since it was so close, we spent the last week counting every vote cast in the election, and we're sorry to say that you lost, Mr. Bush. Al Gore won.
Can I call the Supreme Court as my lifeline?
No.

 

* I KNOW WHO YOU ARE * (ping) I AM THE ROBOT THAT CLEANED UP YOUR SPOOGE
Huh huh huh, I know you are, but what am I?
by themushroom, 4-10-08

 

by themushroom
4-22-08
No one understands me.
I feel your pain. People run from me in terror.

 

by themushroom
4-23-08
Sucks being stuck on an island with a bunch of boys. (This is not a homo- erotic story, sorry.)
*oink* I'm the only voice of order and reason here.
SUCKS TO YOUR ASS-MAR! BOLLOCKS TO THE RULES! *shove*
ouch
Oi, you boys need to be rescued?

 

by themushroom
4-23-08
(with a tip of the hat to Shaneo39)
Hey, remember that time we smoked that shit we found to see how good it was?
Do you remember why I'm in this wheelchair?
TOBOR BRING MARITAL AID!
And that's why I don't cut my crank with Comet anymore.

 

Mary Worth
You have issues, I hear. Would you like some of my sage advice?
Do I get any choice?
by themushroom, 4-26-08

 

Da Nang, Vietnam - 1968
You firebombed my village. You eviscerated my puppy in front of me. You and a dozen friends raped my mommy.
And now it's your turn. Bend over.
by themushroom, 4-26-08

 

by themushroom
5-16-08
I am scarred for life. The image is seered into my mind forever.
Do you like what you see?
Uh, Mom... Could you put away the speculum and put some pants on?
You asked "Where did I come from?" There you go. What did you expect, GPS coordinants?

 

by themushroom
5-16-08
You say it's you're birthday...
It's my birthday too, yeah...
Will you still need me... Will you still feed me... When I'm 64?

 

...to take up "cattle proding"
Oh baby! Let me play with those six titties! I'm gonna fuck you until your rump-roast is hamburger! Yeah!
You talkin' to my wife? *snort*
by themushroom, 5-22-08

 

by themushroom
6-05-08
TGG had worked for the red circle retailer for longer than most of her coworkers, and it was about time she received some recognision from the regional office.
You're a great example of what service is all about.
I bet you use butter as a personal lubricant.
She was called to the state headquarters for a tour of the customer service call center area and the boardroom, given by the regional manager herself.
People respect a hard worker with a flawless attendance record!
I bet you use one of those battery operated stirrers from the dollar bin as a sex toy.
It was as exciting as one of those all-hands picnics she made it a point to never attend: all the joy of being around management without the benefit of getting paid for it.
You've got leader potential. Now... Let me show you where *I* work.
I bet you squeak when you orgasm. Like an old wooden rocking chair.

 

by themushroom
6-17-08
I'm glad we picked a Mommy and Daddy who don't use tobacco!
Of course, sweetie. Your father and I know that reefer has fewer carcinogens and helps make the stupid things you little shits say actually funny.

 

first draft of 6/16/08's strip
I'm glad we chose a Mommy and Daddy that don't play with our potty parts while we are fast asleep!
or not that you know anyway
by themushroom, 6-17-08

 

by themushroom
7-04-08
It's a fact: Your petals of womanhood can become not-so-fresh, sometimes quicker than you expect. Bacteria and other bad things can grow quickly in a warm, humid environment such as your vagina.
Is your mother cooking fish for dinner tonight?
Nope, it's pot roast.
This is why it is important to bathe every other day, douche at regular intervals, wear clean panties daily, and use floral-scented personal hygiene products to 'freshen up'.
Uh, so, that week-old carp guts smell in this room is...
...coming from within my pants.
A little pussy-whiff can be a pheromone, which is why boys sniff bicycle seats and whack off madly afterwards. If you can be smelled across a room, you're rotten.
I'll go get that can of Glade out of the bathroom.
You'd better get that right now, I'll be in there rinsing my crotch with Ajax shortly.

 

by themushroom
7-15-08
bus station - Seattle, Washington
Of course, I had to save money by going Greyhound...
I can hardly wait until we get to New York! I have this cousin there I haven't seen since we were 14. Last time I saw him he slept over and he woke up with my...
bus station - Helena, Montana
shut. the. fuck. up.   I beg of you.
...but that was nothing compared to the time I passed a kidney stone in a urinal trough during the State Fair with 20 guys right trying not to stare! But then one time I...
bus station - Minneapolis, Minnesota
...so I did the circumcision myself. Trust me, Bactine stings!  I'll show you how it turned out when we're back on the bus. And while I've got it out I need to...

 

by themushroom
7-20-08
TGG had this game she'd play to while away the hours at work: She'd ponder what it would be like to have sex with every person who came through the doors.
I'd fuck the taste from your mouth.
She'd speculate about what their potty parts looked like and how well they could use them. She'd figure out their kinks and come up with ways to take them up a notch. She'd envision their orgasms.
I'd fuck the taste from your mouth.
But the thing she dreamed the most about was those people having the same fantasy about her. That's what made the game fun.
I'd fuck the taste from your mouth.

 

from an old "What's worse than..." joke:
Arr, good little altar boy, comin' to the john with me. Now up with that robe, I'm gonna finger yer tasty privates!
Fuck you.
by themushroom, 7-25-08

 

by themushroom
7-28-08
And now, our milleniums-old spirit will give us guidance though his vessel, Brother Tom, who channels the voice through the chicken he felches.... Tom?
Ram-Urethra! ... Ram-Urethra!
alter reality in 4 days! - www.ramtha.com
Ram-Urethra! ... Ram-Urethra!
ungh... hommina.. unf... Douche! ahhh *gasp* Okay, folks, that's the word for today. Tomorrow's message will cost another $200.

 

by themushroom
8-09-08
There, I've put the magic hat on my snowman... let's see if it works.
*tra-la-rankinbass* HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hello, my name is Uncle Melty! Who are you, girl who gave me life?
Sally. The magic in the hat allows you to dance and sing, and barring a sudden outbreak of summer you have immortality!
This is amazing!
But there is a downside. Despite your new and potentially eternal power... You still don't have arms.
figgers

 

Isaac Hayes is a dead mother...
Shut yo' mouth!
by themushroom, 8-10-08

 

by themushroom
8-13-08
Hey, kids! What's the breakfast treat that sprays milk in your face like bukkake?
DILD-O's! Me love you long time!
What's the cereal you love to eat, then vomit back up and eat again?
DILD-O's! Me so hungry!

 

by themushroom
8-23-08
I WANT SOME DOGGIECOCK! GIVE ME SOME DOGGIE- COCK! I NEED SOME DOGGIE- COCK IN MY MOUTH NOW!  FILL ME UP WITH DOGGIECOCK! IF YOU LOVE ME YOU WILL GIVE ME DOGGIECOCK UNTIL I EXPLODE!!
oh my god...
I WANT SOME DOGGIECOCK IN MY FACE! I CAN'T GET ENOUGH DOGGIE- COCK! I COULD EAT DOGGIECOCK ALL DAY LONG AND STILL WANT MORE DOGGIECOCK! BRING ME BARRELS OF DOGGIECOCK!! I LOVE DOGGYCOCK!
I hope our priest does emergency exorcisms...
Doggiecock Cereal!   Kids ask for it by name. Repeatedly. Loud. So give it to them!
woof!
cluck!

 

See http://www.flickr.com/photos/aheimermann/2557791320/
You must be the one they call Asher Heimerman and you seem to be for America. But... are you emo?
No, I am Asher Heimerman and I am in need of a haircut.
by themushroom, 8-28-08

 

by themushroom
9-03-08
[chicka] ........................................ [choad]
You know what I hate more than having to be pleasant and fill the needs of the whining people at my work?
No, what?
[real life] ................................... [chicka]
Maaaaahmm! It's 11 o'clock at night! Can I please have dinner now?
brb

 

by themushroom
9-11-08
One fine day...
You know... It's 9/11 today...
Yeah...
The kids have really stepped up, they are going to spend the day reflecting.
I am so proud of them...
Oh yeah! Grab those ankles! I'm gonna crash my 'plane' into your 'tower'! rrrraaammmm!! Here comes another! rrrraaammmm!!
*uNF!* Allah ackbar! *uNF!* Now put a plane into my 'Pentagon'!

 

by themushroom
9-12-08
Hello, and welcome back to "The Biggest Bush"! We're almost ready to announce the winner of our million-dollar prize!
It's been an exciting 12 weeks of trying to find out who has the most pubic hair over their clams. Let's have one last look at our final two contestants!
*suspenseful drum roll*

Showing page 3.

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