All comics by wirthling

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by wirthling
5-23-01
...and so I just told her that being pregnant, smoking isn't such a good idea --
ZAP!
What the hell are you?!
I am the Magical Grammar Dog on a Ball, and I have come to correct your grammar mistakes!
Um, excuse me, but shouldn't you have said, "grammatical mistakes"?
Be quiet! I'd watch my dangling modifier if I were you - I have very sharp teeth...

 

by wirthling
5-24-01
...but you didn't think they'd let Jackie Jr. live after he screwed up like that, did you?
Yeah, I suppose not. I can't believe Meadow was so upset about it, though. Jackie Jr. was a real loser. I thought it was --
Get thee back to work, you two! Jesus, those souls aren't going to save themselves! Lucifer, get thee back to Hell! I ain't running no cafe here!
I hate that cranky old bastard!
Dang! I wish the old man would lighten up already...
I NOW DESCEND TO MY DARK EMPIRE TO TORMENT THE LOST SOULS OF FOOLISH MORTALS!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!
THE GLORY OF THE LORD IS INFINITE AND BLESSED ARE HIS CHILDREN! (Pssst! Are we still on for racquetball at 6?)

 

by wirthling
5-27-01
What the hell are you supposed to be? Some kind of hippie scarecrow?
No, I'm Jesus Christ, your savior. Welcome to Salvation Land, little girl!
Oh... Are there any cool rides in Salvation Land??
Um, no, but we do have bible study classes and a swell christian choir!
Salvation Land sucks. I can't wait 'til they promote me to Goofy...

 

by wirthling
5-27-01
I hate Salvation Land! It ain't worth 6 bucks an hour to put on this costume, get nailed to a cross, and have kids throw rocks at your nuts...
Hey, it's 150 degrees inside this Cthulhu costume! I wish all I had to wear was a loincloth, nuts be damned!
Say, by the way, what kind of rides do you guys have over there at the Land of Lost Souls?
We don't have any rides. When kids wander in, we just impale them on rusty spikes or squirt sulphuric acid on them...
Sweet!
Yeah, if only they ventilated this costume, I would have the perfect job...

 

by wirthling
5-28-01
OK, which one of you is Spartacus?
I'm Spartacus!
No, I'm Spartacus!
No, it's me! I'm Spartacus!
Among his fellow rebel slaves, Pussilus was not known for his bravery...
No, I'm the real Spartacus!
Dude, I am so NOT Spartacus it ain't even funny! Can I go now?

 

by wirthling
5-28-01
Take 1...and...ACTION!
Father, forgive them, for they don't not know, uh, I mean, they know not now -- oh crap. Line?
HAHAHAHAHA!
Take 2...and...ACTION!
Father, (giggle) forgive them (giggle) -- damn it, Simon! Stop smiling, you bastard! HAHAHAHA!
AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, man! I'll behave...
Take 3...and...ACTION!
...HAR HAR HEE HEE HEEEE! I'm dyin' over here! HOOOOO!
"Dying over here!" BWAHAHAHAAAA!

 

by wirthling
5-31-01
How you DINGLEBERRY! doin'? It's nice BUTTERBALL! to see you RIMJOB! again...
I'm doing CREEP! fine, Timmy. I'm LOSER! just on my way DICKLESS! home from the GEEK! mall...
Uh, maybe I could JACK-IN-THE-BOX! walk you ASSPUCKER! home...
No thanks, PATHETIC! Timmy. I'll be NOT IF YOU WERE THE LAST BOY ON EARTH! fine by myself.
Say, I couldn't help COOTCH FAIRY! but notice that your PENISAURUS! outbursts don't quite seem DOINKIN' DONUTS! random...
Outbursts? Oh, actually I've been on medication for a while now. I haven't had any Tourette's symptoms for weeks...LAME-ASS PUDWHACKER!

 

by wirthling
6-03-01
Greetings, end-user, and congratulations on your purchase of a ManBot 2000! You've got male! Now that you have turned me on, please allow me to turn you on.
I am programmed to use my 1.5 terahertz processor to bring you sexual fulfillment with maximum efficiency. Do you wish to have hot robot sex now?
Bring it on, baby!
38 nanoseconds of hot robot sex later...
Performance was within specified parameters for me. Was performance within specified parameters for you?
What a rip-off!

 

by wirthling
6-03-01
I can't believe how lame my new ManBot 2000 is! That damned thing is so fast in bed - or "efficient" as he calls it - that I can hardly tell anything happened!
Hmmm... Sounds like it must have been designed by a man!
Now all he does is drink beer, fart, and watch TV all day long!
Yep, definitely designed by a man...
Tonight's episode of Baywatch is being pre-empted by a paid political advertisement by Senator Lipservice...
What a rip-off!

 

by wirthling
6-03-01
Whadda ya say, Obi? Are you gonna join our posse?
Posse?! What's goin' on, Marshall Wirthling?
We're gonna find ol' Milton, peel off his skin, and dunk'm in tabasco. We done found out he's been doin' unspeakable things to Heather the donkey...
Which one is Heather? Oh yeah, she's that fine little pink ass with the tight booty, isn't she?
Oops.

 

by wirthling
6-04-01
San Quentin, you've been livin' hell to me. You've hosted me since nineteen sixty three.
I've seen 'em come and go and I've seen them die. And long ago I stopped askin' why...
That is, until they put this new guy in my cell...
SURRENDER ITS PRECIOUS MANBOOBS TO CHUCKY! CHUCKY MUST HAVE ITS MANBOOBS NOW! AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

 

by wirthling
6-06-01
...and now, on the breakaway, only Eric Snow stands between Shaq and the basket!
RAAAAR!! SHAQ WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
I am definitely toast...
...and Rick Fox passes to Kobe, who steps on Iverson's head enroute to a 360 degree, twisting, reverse somersault dunk!
Damn. Rick Fox is super-fine! I wish HBO would hurry up and give him a full-frontal nudity shower scene on "Oz"!
Oh crap. I just said that out loud, didn't I? I'm not gay! Really!
Don't sweat it, dude. I wouldn't kick Rick Fox outta bed, either!

 

by wirthling
6-06-01
Listen up, Kobe - I have a book I want you to read...
No offense, Phil, but if I wanted to read books, I would have gone to college...
But this book will teach you important lessons about teamwork and combining diverse talents to reach a common goal...
Coach, we're the defending champs, we're winning, Shaq's getting double-doubles every game, I'm averaging 30 points, and I'm just getting warmed up. Bite me.
I gotta tell ya something, Bill - that Phil Jackson is some kinda coaching genius!
Boy, that Phil Jackson is some kinda coaching genius!

 

by wirthling
6-06-01
How are you dealing with the pressures by your team, your fans, and the media, Ken?
Hold on a minute here - we're getting tired of you all using the same token black character to represent every black athlete! What, do you think we all look alike?
Oh, uh, no. Sorry. How about this one instead?
I can't believe this! Is this african mask guy supposed to mean that we're all junglebunnies running around the rainforests of Congo hunting antelopes?!
OK, fine. Here ya go...
Very funny, asshole.

 

by wirthling
6-06-01
Michael Jackson in 1981...
Ben, the two of us need look no more. Hyee ee hee!
Michael Jackson in 1991...
You know I'm bad, I'm bad! You know it! Hyee ee hee!
Michael Jackson in 2001...
Skreeecfllk grakkh kryeeeeee! Hyee ee hee!

 

by wirthling
6-09-01
There's nothing quite like a dinner cruise! The merlot was a delectable accompaniment to that succulent filet mignon, don't you agree, Muffy, my sweet?
Um, that wasn't a merlot, dear - you just drank your own urine. And that wasn't filet mignon - it was Lord Buxton. And thanks for not saving me any, you fat bastard.
Oh yeah, that's right - we've been adrift in the ocean for 3 weeks and we've been reduced to eating our dead friends. Thanks for bringing me back to reality, bitch.
Don't mention it, Captain Impotent. By the way, I've been sleeping with Tyrell, the cabin boy.
Well, Jesus Crackwhore Christ.

 

by wirthling
6-15-01
Thanks for coming to my gay porn marathon party, guys! Wirthling should be here soon with the chips, beer, and KY jelly...
...You're so tense! What you need is a good massage...
I thought that Gabe's and wirthling's homoerotic banter was just for laughs. Didn't you, DexX?
Shhhh! And move a little to the left, would ya, Ken? I can't see the telly.

 

by wirthling
6-17-01
This will be the first appearance on national television for our next guests. Please give a warm welcome to the Smoking Manholes!
Tonight, the Smoking Manholes will be performing their a cappella rendition of Yoko Ono's "Don't Worry Kyoko"!

 

by wirthling
6-24-01
Oh golly, Lord. I haven't been much of a prayin' man, and not much of a good christian for that matter, but I really could use some help with my daughter Jenna. If only you --
*POOF* ...You rang, dubya?
Wow. I never pictured God to look like this! Why, you're a downright cute little fella! Heh heh!
You could not gaze upon my true form without going insane, so I have appeared in a form that you can more easily handle. Apparently, for you that means I look like a dog on a ball. Go figure.
Well, that's fantastible! So anyway, about Jenna, we caught her drinkin' again! What should I do?
It's worse than just drinking. She's currently all stripped down and getting fisted by Ted Kennedy while snorting lines off of Geraldo Rivera's chest. You should've started praying earlier...

 

by wirthling
6-26-01
HI THERE, SUGAR BRITCHES!!! MY NAME IS ROGER!!! WHAT'S YOUR NAME??? WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER AND SEX WITH ME THIS EVENING??? OR JUST SEX???
Cripes! Why are you yelling at me, you friggin' weirdo?!
SORRY, I ALWAYS TALK LIKE THIS!!! MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT I OVERCOMPENSATE FOR THE SMALL SIZE OF MY PENIS BY BEING EXCESSIVELY LOUD AND RUDE!!!
Why me?!
SO, HOW ABOUT THE DINNER AND SEX??? HELLO??? IS IT YOUR TIME OF THE MONTH OR SOMETHING??? MAYBE YOU CAN JUST BLOW ME INSTEAD??? HELLO???

 

by wirthling
6-29-01
I'm so glad I finally got a USB port installed! Now all kinds of devices can be plugged into my backside using one convenient port!
THAT'S NICE!!!
Oh come on! That was a perfect set up line! Aren't you going to cornhole me?!
TOBOR NEED REST!!! TOBOR CORNHOLE CRABBY FOR HOURS BUT CRABBY NEVER GET ENOUGH!!!

 

by wirthling
7-23-01
Helloooo, fair neighbors! Captain Low Pass is here to spread the good word and free samples of beef jerky! Anyone home?
Hey there, little superhero dude! Wait here a sec and I'll get my wife. I think she likes beef jerky..
Splendid!
Drofp fthe beefff jerfky and fyour pantfs, fpal, and nobody getfs hurtf. Exfcefpt for fyou probfabfly.
Oops. Sorry. Outta free samples. Gotta go.

 

by wirthling
7-23-01
Hey, dude. Can ya spare some kind bud?
Who the hell are you?! I'm the resident stoner around here. Low Pass ain't big enough for the both of us!
Whoa. Why ya gotta be trippin', bro? It's all good!
This guy's more of a stoner than me! What am I gonna do?! Hmmm...
So, ya got any weed or what, dude?
Nah, but go see the big red dude named Tobor. He'll share a fattie with ya, fill your bowl, and then some, dude!

 

by wirthling
8-06-01
Pssst! How'd you like to buy some jew?
You mean jewelry?
No, I mean jew. This bag contains 100% pure incinerated jew ashes recovered from Auschwitz in 1945. I'm selling it for $100 an ounce.
Are you out of your mind?! That's disgusting, depraved, and just plain evil! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Jew cremains are a proven aphrodisiac.
Oh. How much for the whole bag?

 

by wirthling
8-09-01
I like being a judge but I don't think I have been quite judgmental enough, so I've been rereading LadyJ's forum posts to sharpen up.
Why must you provoke people?! I thought we tied you up and left you behind the medulla oblongata after you pissed bunner off! Looks like there's some house-cleaning to do!
I'm too busy to help prepare. The task of maintaining a state of denial while justifying wirthling's yuppie lifestyle is a full-time job. Go away, so I can get back to work.
I am the part of wirthling's brain that got torched by his heavy drug use in the mid-'90s. To prepare for this comic cup, I have been contemplating cheese.
I have been -- uh, what are you doing in here?
You know damn well why I'm in here.

 

by wirthling
8-09-01
Dubya, the war against the sun isn't going well. This heat wave is obviously a counterattack by the sun!
Golly, Dick, what are we gonna do? Will drilling for oil in Arlington Cemetery help?
Not a bad idea, but I have a better plan. We'll send in a crack team of convicts like they did in "The Dirty Dozen"! Notify the warden at San Quentin that we need some volunteers!
Yes, sir, Mr. Presi-- hold it a sec. Ain't I your boss?
Operation Solar Storm begins...
You got a light, Johnson? Ha ha!
Shut up, douchenozzle.

 

by wirthling
8-13-01
Oh. So, little Billy, you're still in school, right?
*sigh* No, grandpa. I graduated 8 years ago. I just told you that a minute ago. No doubt, you'll ask me again shortly.
Oh. So, little Billy, you're still in school, right?
*sigh* No, grandpa. I graduated 8 years ago. I just told you that a minute ago. No doubt, you'll ask me again shortly.
Oh. So, little Billy, you're still in school, right?
*sigh* No, grandpa. I graduated 8 years ago. I just told you that a minute ago. No doubt, you'll ask me again shortly.

 

by wirthling
8-13-01
Oh, that's nice, I guess...Um, so what are you doing these days, little Billy?
I joined a Brazilian death squad. I kill homeless children and make necklaces out of their teeth. Down there they call me "O Diabo de Rio."
Oh, that's nice, I guess...Um, so what are you doing these days, little Billy?
I'm a side-show freak. For my act, I make horseshoes on an 80-pound anvil that is hanging from my nutsack. Then, I set my hair on fire and eat a Buick.
Oh, that's nice, I guess...Um, so what are you doing these days, little Billy?
I sell tourists replicas of Mount Rushmore that I make out of my own feces, but my real dream is to get a sex change operation and become a Las Vegas showgirl.

 

by wirthling
8-15-01
Pathetic man-animal! I am going to arm you with every bit of knowledge I can so that you can go mine gold for me! MWAHAHAHahaha hahaha ha ha heh
They built a religion around the guy who wrote this mindless crap?
Now, I'll turn on the learning machine and walk away, conveniently...
Now I know everything the Psychlos know! I need to get to a military base so I can learn how to operate nuclear weapons and jet fighters! Shouldn't take more than a week, I figure.
MWAHAHAHahaha hahaha ha ha heh... Oh crap. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed the man-animals were brainless, despite all evidence to the contrary.
I just wiped out your whole race, you Jamaican Klingon bastard. I'm going to leave you alive, though, so we can make a super-crappy sequel...

 

by wirthling
8-16-01
At last, wirthling is finally dead! Now I can be a monumental dork in peace!
Actually, maybe I shouldn't have killed him. 93.762% of my comics are wirthling-related. What am I going to make comics about now that he's dead?
But I'm not dead, bungbugleboy! Killing me has only made me stronger!
Fnerf.

 

by wirthling
8-20-01
So you say you want to use the slowest and cheapest possible mailing service to ship that box?
Yeah. I bought a new monitor and it had a defective adapter. They sent me a new one but they are making me pay for shipping the defective one back to them.
Well, we have the "Slow Boat to China" service. Delivery will be within 1 to 2 years. That is, unless it gets stolen by Manchurian bandits en route, which is likely. It costs 3 cents. How's that?
I dunno. Do you have anything slower and cheaper?
The best I can do for you is "Continental Drift" service, which is free. With that service, your package should reach Toledo in about 130 million years or so.
That'll do nicely. Thank you.

 

by wirthling
8-20-01
Gotta catch 'em all! Gotta catch 'em all!
Hey there, little boy! I bet you haven't caught the, uh, Herpesore Pokémon yet, have ya?! Heh heh.
Gosh, no, mister! I'd sure love to catch the Herpesore!
Follow me into the bushes and I'll share it with ya!
Five minutes later...
Well, enjoy your Herpesore, little boy! Heh heh.
Hey! Where's the Pokémon, cheater?! You're just like that guy who said he'd give me the Aidsvirusapotamus Pokémon, and he ripped me off, too!

 

by wirthling
8-21-01
Stop grabbing my ass, Descolada!
Stop grabbing my ass, Gabe!

 

by wirthling
8-24-01
Besides being omnipotent and creating our world in 7 days, God is also an accomplished YODELER!!!
Yodelayheeeeeee!
Methuselah lived for 969 YEARS!!! Eat your heart out, Strom Thurmond!
I've been praying for death for over 800 years. God is a sadistic bitch! *sigh*
Noah's 300 cubit long ark housed MILLIONS of animals for 6 MONTHS!!!
And it stunk like a motherfucker!
At least you didn't have to carry 23 species of tapeworm like I did...

 

by wirthling
8-26-01
Believe it or bite me! Scientists in Sweden have successfully cloned goats! Even their mother can't tell them apart!
Believe it or bite me! Scientists in Sweden have successfully cloned goats! Even their mother can't tell them apart!
Believe it or bite me! Scientists in Sweden have successfully cloned goats! Even their mother can't tell them apart!
Believe it or bite me! Scientists in Sweden have successfully cloned goats! Even their mother can't tell them apart!
Believe it or bite me! Scientists in Sweden have successfully cloned goats! Even their mother can't tell them apart!
Believe it or bite me! Scientists in Sweden have successfully cloned goats! Even their mother can't tell them apart! But your mama likes me best!

 

by wirthling
8-27-01
Welcome!
???
You've got mail!
What the hell?! I don't remember signing up for AOL!
You don't have AOL. You have a malignant brain tumor that is causing you to hallucinate that your PC is talking to you.
Whew! That would have sucked if I had AOL!

 

by wirthling
9-04-01
You're home early!
Yeah, I got fired.
Fired?! What happened?
I came out of the closet.
You finally told them that you're NOT gay?
Yeah. Apparently, there's no place for a heterosexual man in the cast of Riverdance...

 

by wirthling
9-05-01
What happened to that bald-headed, goateed geek-boy? He hasn't been by to tenderize my rump roast for days.
I heard that he's been too busy lately with mimicking annoying newbies to come by and drive the herd.
Mimicking newbies?! You're kidding, right?! Even he isn't that much of a colossal geek, is he?!
'Fraid so.
Wow. Until now, I wasn't ashamed to be his trusty mount.
Word.

 

by wirthling
9-07-01
Honestly, I think you worry about shark attacks way too much.
I'm not worried about a shark -- I just felt something leather brush against my leg.
blub blub

 

by wirthling
9-07-01
Jack, I love you, even if you do look like a girl.
I'm king of the world!
Oh drat! Our ship is sinking and Billy Zane is chewing up the scenery beyond all belief! And worse still, my Jack has drowned!
Um, I'm not dead yet, Rose.
At least I still have this big honkin' sapphire!
Bitch.

 

by wirthling
9-10-01
Well, let's see... I've scaled Mount Everest, hiked from Argentina to Alaska, slept with Fidel Castro, and now I just posted my 300th comic at stripcreator... What's next on my to-do list?
Presenting Bette Midler and the Harlettes...
o/' Mister Sandman, bring me a dream! o/'
o/' bum bummm o/'
...and ObiJo!
o/' bummm o/'
o/' BUMMM o/'

 

by wirthling
9-13-01
Yes?
Hi! I'm here to talk about Jesus --
SLAM!
I hate salesmen.

 

by wirthling
9-13-01
Have I mentioned that I believe every word of the Bible is true?
!!!

 

by wirthling
9-15-01
G'day, mate! Ya seen a traitorous donkey named Veronica 'round this Woop Woop?
Ummm, no, but I'll certainly let you know if I do!
You were right, Captain Entenille! That elephant mask worked like a charm!
Uh, Veronica, darling, you were supposed to wait until AFTER he left to take off the mask!
Righto, then! Time to take you Outback and shoot you! Get it? Outback! Like in Oz! Hyenh hyenh hyenh!
If I have a choice between being killed by your gun or by your wit, I'll take the bullet please...

 

by wirthling
9-17-01
An abominimation has befallen our proud web site. Make no mistake! We WILL rid the world of newbies!
Hi! I'm new here! Read my comics! Are they funny? How do I edit my comics? Who is this Dr. Pedantic guy? Can I --
Jumpin' Jehosephat! That's the horrorificablest thing I've ever seen! Call in the nukes, boys!
Where did they all go? And what was that bright flash?
Your guess is as good as mine. So, anyway, have you read my comics? Read my comics!

 

by wirthling
9-21-01
Asian!
Latino!
Asian!
Latino!
OK, kid, what the hell are you -- asian or latino?
Whatever you want - it's your money!

 

by wirthling
9-23-01
Was one of these people in the lineup the person you saw leaving the kitchen just before you discovered the body?
I can't be sure. All cartoon people look alike to me...

 

by wirthling
9-24-01
Veronica, my sweet, I'm glad that I spent my last moments on earth making love to you.
Actually, we still have 19 minutes and 56 seconds until the missile hits, Captain Quickie.
Oh... What should we do now?
Maybe you should use that time-travel device that we stole from Dr. Kaufman's kidnapped scientist so you can go back in time and stop the missile from being launched. Just a thought...
PzzZZap!
Hmmm... This looks familiar...
Hey there, sugar. You new here?

 

by wirthling
9-24-01
Give me your soul, and I will make you a king among men!
Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. We also have an excellent benefits package!
Well, Old Nick, your competitors are offerin' me some kinda crown and free dental. The ball's in your court, pal! Care to sweeten your offer?
*sigh* Like I need another fucking agent around here...

 

by wirthling
9-27-01
first leval
im teh 1337357 d00D in USA an yer juts a STtupid squerl d00D!!!!
dont mess wit m3 i g0t frbn cnt, n00B!!!!!1!1
OH NOOO its not teh frst leval its teh BOSS levl !!!!!!
SHUTT PU j00 STUPIE SQUREL i goin t0 maek j00 eat my //BOOM!!// WTF!!! AAAARRAAGGGAGGAHHH!!!!! j00 f4XX0r!!!!!!1
ph33R M3 fsaget!1!!1!!!!!
GAEM OVER!!!!1!
whoa thsi SUX!!!! WTF d00d are we in h311????
Yes, I am absolutely certain that we are both in Hell.

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