All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
8-24-03
A birthday is a special time at which we celebrate
Our friends and relatives who were born upon that special date.
We light the candles on the cake and let the icing soften ...
And congratulate them on their leap toward their own new coffin.

 

by kaufman
8-24-03
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
The pollen count's high.
ACHOOOOOOOO! ACHOOOOOOOO!
A reminder from the makers of Claratin.

 

by kaufman
8-24-03
Congratulations on finally conquering your cannibalism and bulimia.
We're all throwing up our hands with joy.

 

by kaufman
8-25-03
Congratulations ...
Your head really smells awful, you know. You really ought to take that thing off.
So? What difference does it make to you?
... on providing a new twist to an old,
Well ...
tired joke.
Them rotten turbans ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.
Ha, ha.

 

by kaufman
8-26-03
You may not think spelling class matters ...
Sew watt if eye loose teh speling be?
But it does!
Uh, no, that's not it. You sold me your SOUL.

 

by kaufman
8-26-03
DAD: When I was young you were a hero, to me a Cobb or Ruth, A Gehrig or a Musial, that is the complete truth.
But as I grew it dawned on me, you were my Splendid Splinter.
So I lopped off your head and stuck it in a freezer cold as winter.

 

by kaufman
8-27-03
You're vile, sick and evil; folks who see you run in fear. You like to drive people insane with a tentacle up their ear.
And yet you're quite an introvert; you cherish privacy. You live alone in a strange city far beneath the azure sea.
Thus, it's my civic duty to send this card and warn you. Others have done their duty too -- YOU'RE NOW GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!

 

by kaufman
8-27-03
I heard a loud noise last night, looked outside, and saw your dog being bitten by a raccoon.
Obviously, in a situation like this, there was only one thing to do.
I ran her over to the vet, saw that her rabies shots were up-to-date, had them clean and bandage the wound, and took her back home.
I love you, Milkman Dan.

 

by kaufman
8-27-03
Rex Morgan M.D.
It's still pretty inconclusive. You'd better keep coughing another minute or two.
Gil Thorp
Ok, Bob buys the cocaine, Sam and Lou gang-rape a cheerleader, Ed gets the Trig answers, you wedgie the waterboy from the goalposts. On two!
Mary Wirthling

 

by kaufman
8-28-03
Eyebeam, I gathered up my ponytail and put it into a bun. Do you like it?
Sally, I'm speechless.

 

by kaufman
8-28-03
Didn't you promise you'd get a job, Ratliff? It's 3 PM and you still don't have your pants on.
Actually, I did get a job. I'm headed for work now.
A job where you wear no pants?
Exactamundo. A guy's got to have his standards, you know.
And what, dare I ask, will you be doing?
Eyebeam, you are looking at the newest Portland Trail Blazer!

 

by kaufman
8-28-03
Not now, Hank. I need to work on the Dotson defense.
Bah! Let him fry.

 

by kaufman
8-28-03
SKOOL
Actually, it wasn't OUR sins he died for; he was just lousy at taking responsibility for his own actions.

 

by kaufman
8-29-03
Tokyo in ruins? What happened? Gojira? Mothra?
No, was neither of them. Big Fucking Gaijin Dog taken for walkie.

 

by kaufman
9-02-03
Holy shit, you're me!
I'm who?
You're you, who is me.
I don't know, who are you?
I'm you.
Hugh?

 

by kaufman
9-02-03
Don't you kids have any proper respect for your elders? I really should whack you with my cane.
But Hugh, if you are me, you'll be whacking yourself too!
Okay, that's it. I've had it with you.
What are you looking at now?
That's an interesting scar you have over your left eye.

 

by kaufman
9-02-03
I see this is an opportunity to make both our lives better. First thing I do when I get back is come back here and tell myself not to bop me with the cane.
But won't that create a temporal paradox in which your not hitting me causes you to not realize the implications so you never come back and tell yourself not to hit me, and soon the universe vanishes?
Aw heck, never mind. Let me just show you where the clitoris is.
Oh, I know that. Paw's got it. He's out feeding the chickens right now.

 

by kaufman
9-02-03
You really want to cornhole Gabe's great-great grandfather? You'll be going back to a primitive time. Why, Capek hadn't even coined the word "robot" yet.
NO MATTER. TOBOR MUST GET THAT PRIMEVAL MEAT.
RAAAR! LATEMFOEDAMNOTAMOTUALACINAHCEMDIONAMUHTNEGILLETNI WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
So, what happened?
HE GOT AWAY BEFORE I COULD EVEN INTRODUCE MYSELF.

 

by kaufman
9-02-03
What are you doing, Mr. Peabody? Are you using the Way-Back Machine?
Yes, Sherman, I'm going back to 1901, where I will try to save the life of the most esteemed statesman ever to pass through Buffalo.
Gee.
Well, how'd it go? Did you succeed?
No, Sherman, I had an unfortunate miscalculation. By 1901, President Fillmore had already been dead and buried a quarter century.

 

by kaufman
9-02-03
Having found myself in 1918, I tried to warn the young Douglas MacArthur about the death awaiting his unit.
Major MacArthur, I must warn you: The Spanish Flu!
What the hell are you talking about?
OLE!
ARRIBA!
Goddammit, there goes half my division.

 

by kaufman
9-06-03
I look up and see vast numbers of stars. From that I deduce there's almost certainly intelligent life out there. Is that what you mean, Holmes?
Cut the crap, Watson. What I deduce is that somebody stole our bloody tent.
I'm sure you're wondering why I gathered you all here. It is because I have proof who the murderer is. The killer is in this room as a matter of fact, and that person is ...
* THUD *
Me.

 

by kaufman
9-08-03
You say you have an electric mixer lodged in your rectum? Yes, Matthew, I think I'll be able to remove it.
No, Doc, you don't understand. I just want you to plug it in and turn it on.
You know the plan. Now that we've broken into the morgue, we find Matt's body and sneak it away.
Yeah, but how will we know which one was his? They say he was badly burned.
That's why they have toe tags. See that one there? What does it say?
It says, "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF THE LAW."

 

by kaufman
9-08-03
Abdul, I just downloaded a bootleg copy of Police Academy 5 off the internet. Want to come over to my tent and watch it?
Can we make it tomorrow? I have a bris to attend this evening.
Quick, Marge, get in here. The President's about to announce complete victory in the war on terrorism.
My fellow Americans, today every single member of Al Qaeda has blown himself up at NO loss to innocent civilian life.
Mr. President, It has recently come to light that Clear Channel secretly bought the Al-Jazeera network and began running Gigli 24/7 on it. Any comment on this concentration of media power?
Please, gentlemen, today I only want to talk about our victory over the terrorists.

 

by kaufman
9-09-03
Go ahead, laugh now. But we'll see who's laughing when you wake up one morning to find your face has fallen off.
Oh god, another 17 comics today in which someone spontaneously combusts. Can't anyone come up with something more original?

 

by kaufman
9-10-03
Let me get this straight. You nearly finished that bottle of bourbon and now you want a half gallon of beer? Look at Entwistle and McCartney passed out over there, you want to be like them?
Look, doc, It's the bottom of the fifth, the bassists are loaded, and I want a new pitcher!
So this mafia enforcer walks into a bar and takes a seat, right? So one of the regulars yells...
Hey, I thought you said yesterday that it was a rabbit, not a goon.
Tip o' the hat to umfumdisi
Oh well, hare today, goon tomorrow.
Hey, DexX, could you draw one of me hammering a nail into my head?

 

by kaufman
9-12-03
Dramatis personae: Four Sticks (okay, two each shown twice)
Of all the old friends! This'll be a celebration day! What brings the rover to these parts?
I need another 25 cents for dam repairs, thank you. When the levee breaks, the ocean'll ramble on through.
***RUMBLE!!!***
No quarter. Hey, hey, what can I do? You shook me down too much already -- How many more times can you expect me to pay?
In the light of that, I'm going to California, over the hills and far away. Your time is gonna come... SHIT! The dam! Run for your life!
Sorry, nobody's fault but mine.
Hot dog! It's Moby Dick!

 

by kaufman
9-12-03
You're back, Charles. How was the trip to Nevada?
Wonderful, love, and thank you so much for the camcorder. I gave it a lot of use out there. Take a look.
Here I filmed one of those lavish Las Vegas casinos. And here's some footage of a small brothel outside Battle Mountain. Oh, and watch this.
Who's he?
I don't know. I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him, Di.

 

by kaufman
9-19-03
Why, if it isn't Charlie the Changeling Critter! I'd recognize you anywhere.
Yeah, isn't it great? It's rabbit time. And what brings you to these parts, Cindy?
There's a storm brewing. Name of Isabel. She's going to be nasty.
Whoa, looks like you're right.
o/` It's duck time, it's duck time o/`

 

by kaufman
9-19-03
I found the problem, ma'am. It looks
like somebody blew the woofer in
Oh baby, that was great.
your left speaker.

 

by kaufman
9-19-03
Thanks for letting me stay at your house the last two nights. Thanks to you, it finally happened.
What did?
A truly Escherian experience. I got to sleep with a character that I had drawn for this site.
Yeah, I guess so. Take care.
You do realize, he was referring to the cat.

 

by kaufman
9-22-03

 

by kaufman
9-23-03
The economy is so bad, the food industry is grinding up their mascots and packaging them.
So that was bits of leprechaun in my Lucky Charms this morning. I read that Ronald McDonald is now Big Macs, and that poor Taco Bell Chihuhua ...
Did you know him?
No.
Me either.
Let's go have a taco.

 

by kaufman
9-23-03
what appears to be the problem officer?
you were doing 90mph in a 40 zone, I'm gonna need to take your name sir.
I don't care if it is the Halloween party, Sam. Didn't I tell you not to put Tom Bombadil's mushrooms into the punch? Look at Gandalf and Boromir over there!
I'm sorry, Master Frodo. I didn't realize it would turn out this way. Speaking of which, have you seen Gollum and Gimli?
This is all my fault, I shouldn't have been giving him a festive blow-job!
save me Legolas!

 

by kaufman
9-23-03
uNnAmED sitzt auf einer bank und denkt sich nichs böses als ...
hey *narfnarf* ich bin man@work *narfnarf* das sprechende eichhörnchen *narfnarf*
Aiiieeeeee!
das MÃœSSEN einfach wahnvorstellungen sein ...
hallo ? *narfnarf* uNnAmED ? *narfnarf*

 

by kaufman
9-23-03
Giles, in the zone...
Yes, I'm kicking all your asses. Bow down you biatches!
Vikaden is the winner
I knew that skipping work this week and playing 96 hours straight would help!!!
HEADSHOT!
Die you Mutha's!!, Vikaden is gonna rip you a new one! ...WTF, you stupid computer!!!
You win, Emily. This year's WB schedule is actually light years stupider than last year's!

 

by kaufman
9-24-03
Clango teaches Rube how to add a pinch of salt.
Pinch it ...
Like this?
Wrong hand...
oh.
Here you go, Master. Dinner is ready.
He really jumped into the pot? Hah. Those earthlings will never figure out that "To Serve Man" is a cookbook.

 

by kaufman
9-25-03
...........................
...........................
...........................

 

by kaufman
9-25-03
I can't believe Finkelman is dead.
I know. It's such a shock.
Did you know him?
No.
And the winner of the secret comic contest: "Worst Interpretation of an Elton John Song in 3 Panels" goes to this graphicization of Funeral for a Friend / Love Lies Bleeding
My anus is bleeding.
Mine too,

 

by kaufman
9-26-03
A lot of neighborhoods name all their streets after a common theme. Around here, we have subdivisions with streets named after golf courses, after types of classical music, etc.
In downtown Chicago, all the streets are named after presidents. In one part of Washington, they're named after trees, in another after letters of the alphabet ...
You can't miss it. It's over on U Street.
Huh? Is that U Street, Yew Street, or Kaufman Street?
But, if I may be so bold as to hazard a guess, there is one thing they'll never name the streets in a subdivision after ...

 

by kaufman
9-26-03
And my address is 69 Megadeth Lane.
Yeah, Right.
Deliver it to 3 10,000 Maniacs Avenue.
That's house number 310,000 on Maniacs Avenue.
Send it to 145 ? And The Mysterians Way.
145 what and the Mysterians Way?

 

by kaufman
9-26-03
... and my address is 1 Who Street.
1 What Street?
Not What, Who?
You, stupid, where do you live?
1 Who Street!
How should I know?

 

by kaufman
9-26-03
I'll need to know the name of the street to pick you up on.
Look, I'd tell you the name of my street if I could, but I can't pronounce it.
You can't? Is it French or something? Can you at least spell it?
No I can't. It's not letters. It's sort of a squiggly thing with an arrow coming out of the bottom, and ...
I'm sorry, that doesn't help. Try another taxi service.
Wait, have you got any old maps around? This street used to be called Prince Place up until a year or two ago.

 

by kaufman
9-29-03
The void in my heart, O Romeo, for too long I feeleth something absinthe, but now two strong forces fill me, and thy forbidden love is but one.
And what, mayhap, could the other be?
IT IS I, MASTER OF HELL, WHO WILL REJOICE IN YOUR DEMISE IN ACT V! WATCH AS I SPIN MY HEAD AROUND AND PUKE MY GUTS OUT OVER YOU!
The priest, he came and rescued me from my hellspawn meanness, I know you'll never forgive me for barfing soup of greenness.
Relax, your vomit contains the scent, the pheromones of Venus, I'll wear your soup forever now, I've been converted to peaness!

 

by kaufman
9-29-03
Dribble, dribble, dribble, dribble ...
Hungry Fezzik wants a nibble.
Hey, Dread Pirate Roberts, have you seen the six-hammered man?
Arrrrrr, he's been elected Prime Minister of Florin by Prince Humperdink.
Hello, my name is Air Bud. You neutered my father. Prepare to die!
INCONCEIVABLE! If I did that, that's what you'd be.

 

by kaufman
9-30-03
My god! That Pac-Man's huge! It must be 20 miles in diameter.
Don't blame me. It was like that when I got here! Let's go inside. HBO's showing Braveheart vs. UHF.
We're almost ready to charge the English, but the troops don't have enough weapons.
They can use spatulas. A new Spatula City just opened up in Edinburgh, and they're having a big sale.
Welcome to Spatula City, how can I help you?
I need 750 Ninja Throwing Spatulas, 1200 Bayonet Spatulas, 300 Super-Slapper Spatulas, oh, and a Haggis-Flipper Spatula for Mum.

 

by kaufman
10-01-03
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure vs. Back to the Future
... Letting the other dude jam Johnny B. Goode, so his father can get the bodacious babe and he can be born.
... Letting the other guy jam Johnny B. Goode, so he can seduce your mom, take her home, ace the final, and save the world.
Castaway vs. Scooby Doo
... A volleyball with a face on it, and HEY, GIVE ME BACK MY WILSON!
... Rancin ron ra rall ror rotza rooby racks!
Titanic vs. The Crying Game
... Buying that special someone a rock the size of THAT FUCKIN' ICEBERG THAT'S ABOUT TO HIT US!
I've been converted to penis!

 

by kaufman
10-02-03
Hoo boy, someone needs a little shearing.

 

by kaufman
10-02-03
So this is it. I've been killed in battle. Well, might as well go in and have a look around.
Welcome, Olaf Lutefisksson. What do you think so far?
Quite impressed, I must say, although Thor really doesn't live up to his reputation.

 

by kaufman
10-02-03
?
!
Mommy?

 

by kaufman
10-04-03
Today's your first day of school, son. I hope you're ready to learn.
Absolutely, dad. I've been waiting 2.318 x 10^16 nanoseconds for this day.
I hope this school is good for him, honey. You know how hard it is to find a place that still values traditional education.
We've been over this hundreds of times, sweetheart. I researched this school. They do value the three 'R's.
Several hours later ...
Welcome home, son. How was school today?
Great! We learned all about reaching, redness and radiation vision.

Showing page 31.

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