All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
10-04-03
Some assembly required.

 

by kaufman
10-07-03
One evening in Metropolis ...
Oh my god!
Michael Jackson just dropped my baby out of my 72nd floor apartment! I'll do ANYTHING to have Superman rescue him before he hits the ground!
Anything? Tell you what, ma'am, I'll give you a chance.
Come down to my office - you'll see Superman and two fakes. You may ask all three one question, and then guess the real one. If you're right, the kid's rescued. Wrong and he dies and I get your soul.
Deal!

 

by kaufman
10-07-03
All right. Superman number 1, tell me, what am I wearing?
You're wearing a hooded red sweatshirt and bleached beige jeans.
You're wearing that outfit Old Navy was advertising incessantly last month.
Thank you, Superman number 2. And number 3, same question.
A white bra and red cotton hip-high panties.
HE'S THE ONE!

 

by kaufman
10-07-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Don't worry. The answer will come to you shortly.
BIG NOSE! BIG NOSE! BIG NOSE!

 

by kaufman
10-08-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright.
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Because he had chicken for dinner.
BRAAAAAAAPPP!

 

by kaufman
10-09-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Look, bud, are you going to come up with an answer any time soon? WW III's probably about to start; you'll be stripped to your bones and left saying, 'moh.'
I'm kind of thinking the cartoonist will tire of us standing here soon, and replace us with those cute Asian girls.

 

by kaufman
10-10-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
It's like that old Dwarven proverb: The snow is always whiter on the other side.

 

by kaufman
10-10-03
I'm here with casino owner Steve Wynn, who's put forth a most interesting theory on all the world's ills. Care to explain, Steve?
Absolutely. Big hair is the cause of all of our problems. For instance, did you see what happened to Siegried and Roy? That tiger was distracted by a woman with big hair.
Maybe so, but that doesn't explain all the world's problems. Hurricane Isabel, for instance, had nothing to do with big hair.
Are you sure? Check your chaos theory. Step on a butterfly here, and you may cause a typhoon in China. And big hairdos displace a lot more air than a little butterfly stomp.
Well, telemarketers. Surely they don't have anything to do ...
Have you ever seen a telemarketer? Mullets and beehives, my friend. What else can account for the pressure that causes the brain damage that turns these people away from honest lives?

 

by kaufman
10-10-03
Now the political circus in California, nobody can think that big hair caused that travesty.
Are you kidding? You know how big and complex that ballot was? Hair blocks your vision, and next thing you know, you're punching the wrong hole. HASTA LA VISTA, GRAY D!
The next sign of the apocalypse: the Cubs and Red Sox may both make the World Series. Big hair has nothing to do with that.
Oh yeah? Then why did the whole Boston team shave their heads? Big hair is for losers!
Staying in the sports arena, Kobe Bryant is accused of sexually assaulting a woman who DID NOT have big hair. How do you account for that?
Her hair clearly averted a bigger debacle. If she had big hair, it wouldn't be a mere athlete who stands accused; it would have been the last President of the United States.

 

by kaufman
10-10-03
Some more things that have nothing to do with big hair. The leaking of the name of the undercover CIA agent.
Drip, drip, drip. What stops a leak? Hair in the drain. Cut off that big hair, so it can plug it.
The blackout through the Northeast?
What do you think caused it? Walk under a power line with big enough hair: BZZZZZT! Short circuit, and out goes the power!
The war in Iraq. Surely, even you ...
You know what that fighting was all about. It's Saddam's mustache. He shaves, we go home.

 

by kaufman
10-11-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
I wish you were smaller, so I could figure out why you crossed the road.
Done!

 

by kaufman
10-12-03
Here goes ...
JACKPOT!
Hey Mike, I got two sweet pairs of Nikes off of Farmer Brown's new heifer. You want one?
Gee, thanks!

 

by kaufman
10-13-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
It's really hot and dry. I wish it would start raining.
Here you go ... AIIIIEEEEE! I'm melting.

 

by kaufman
10-13-03
Hey
Wanna go see a movie this weekend?
You've already dragged me to Gigli 112 times. Don't you think we could do something different?

 

by kaufman
10-14-03
Apologies to mmyers
Hello, we're here with a dolphin. Tell me, what do you think foreigners will do if they find the women exposed as a CIA agent?
Flip her!
Ok, where do you think President Bush is getting his ideas for managing the Iraq campaign from, and what are his chances of finding Saddam Hussein?
Seventeen and zero.
Now you think the Kobe incident was consensual. What do you think his accuser said at the start and at the end of their encounter?
"So long!!!" and "Thanks for all the flesh."

 

by kaufman
10-15-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later..
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
Huh? Why are you shrinking down? And what's with that baton?
Look, bud, you're the one who wished for three ten-inch pianists. They're gonna need a ten-inch conductor to keep them in line!

 

by kaufman
10-15-03
Top O' the morning, laddie, my name's Paddy. Do you want a piece of my cake?
Hey, Paddy's my name too!
Yo, Oscar, look at what Lester Cheese is doing to his feet!
Get back into your seat, Spatial Ross. And that goes for all of you! If you don't sit down, Big Bird is going to stop this bus right here.

 

by kaufman
10-16-03
Aboard the Ocean Liner Kiwi 2
Captain, sonar and x-rays indicate an iceberg to starboard and a featureless void populated with Asian girls to port.
Sounds like trouble whichever way we go. What's dead ahead?
That would be the Affirmative Action Garden, sir.
Oh, I like flowers. Zoom forward, full steam ahead!
The plants here are lovely. But you never told me: Why is this called the Affirmative Action garden?
Take a look over here, sir. Quotadendrons!

 

by kaufman
10-16-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?

 

by kaufman
10-17-03
Yes! I've been waiting for you all my life. Come into my arms!

 

by kaufman
10-17-03

 

by kaufman
10-17-03

 

by kaufman
10-17-03

 

by kaufman
10-17-03
Damn you, Bartman, damn you.

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
Lying in the hospital bed, I slowly come out of my years-long coma to find myself being mounted by a filthy, hideous-looking thing.
Wehn a man loves a vejtabull, he nales the fuckin beet.
Narration boxes can not describe what I do to him.
I leave his bloody carcass on the floor and lie in wait for the doctor who set him up with me.
Since she is still alive, the term is technically comaphilia, not necrophilia. Hey, we get to practice necrophilia on you.

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
Luckily, the doctor's Pedanti-Wagon is not hard to spot, and soon I am driving myself off to freedom.
Leaving me time to exact revenge on those who broke into my wedding,
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for lesser, for ...
Killing everyone else and leaving me for dead.
... moh?
I do.

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
I get out a piece of paper and write down the names of the people I need to kill to complete my revenge.
1. Asiangirl1 ......... 2. Jamalia ............. 3. Jon ..................... 4. Zoe ...................... 5. Brad! ...................
Asiangirl1, code name Sucky Sucky. Was inseparable from her twin sister for the first nine years of her life. Little else is known about her background.
Hey, don't blame us, it's Brad's default.
Her life was changed forever when she saw her sister killed by a blue guy with feet for (oh shit, we did him already; think of something else), uh, by ... by a giant rototiller.
Kaddar, get over here quick! We need you to draw a rototiller prop.
I am dieing!

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
Lying hidden in a pool of her sister's blood, she swore revenge.
She rose to the top of the Tokyo crime syndicate with only one objection.
I am now in charge. Anyone have a problem with that?
Yeah, I have a problem. I want to be the head of this organization.
*** Swoooooosh!
Fine. Now you are the head.

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
To her credit, she's surrounded herself
with some of the most vicious killers
in the history of mankind.

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
My first stop is Ace Hardware. I'll need a special hamurai weapon.
What do you think of this one, ma'am?
It's perfect. I'll take it.
Unfortunately, due to the limitations of this site, we had to use the fastfood background.
Would you like nails with that?
Three weeks later, I was back on my way to Japan.
Can I supersize? Is this for here or to go?

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
Hundreds of them came at me with the most vile of weapons:
Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight!
Feeeeeeelings! Whoaoaoaoaoa, Feeeeeelings!
Bad songs from the 70s.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life.
Of course, I blew them away!
Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just exactly what the facts is.
Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam, Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land!

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
Finally, it was just me and her, one on one, mano a mano.
You came all this way just to track me down? I'd like to know what's going on inside your head.
Frankly, the feeling's mutual. Mind if I take a look inside yours?
Mmmmm, brains. Mushy, yummy, chocolatey brains.
Can I have some if you're not finishing that?
One down, four to go.
1. Xxxxxxxxx ....... 2. Jamalia ............. 3. Jon ..................... 4. Zoe ...................... 5. Brad! ...................

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
I was just getting into it good with Jamalia when ...
Hang on, Suzie should be getting home from school about now.
Mommy, I'm home.
Mommy needs to talk to her friend whatshername. You go upstairs and tattoo your Barbie.
Ok, she's upstairs now.

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
Hang on a moment, and then we can finish our fights. I need to pour Suzie her cereal. She loves Quake's Orange Quangaroos!
Let's cut to the chase. The quangaroos missed me, I killed Jamalia, told Suzie that her mommy was dead, Saddam had no WMDs, and the Easter Bunny wore bad lingerie, ...
and drove off, reloading for Kill Brad (vol. 2).

 

by kaufman
10-22-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
Never mind that. Tell you what. I'll trade you the rest of this beer for the room.
Deal.

 

by kaufman
10-23-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
No need to log in. Subscribe now to google.com home delivery. http://www.google.com/subscribe
You average 4,935,638 pieces of crap a year.
Thanks, Mr. Google.

 

by kaufman
10-23-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
Well, gee, I only tossed you and the red one in today.
Are you hard of hearing or something? I said "crap," not "carp"!

 

by kaufman
10-24-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
CUT! That's the third time you blew it. The line is "I Heard Tuesday." Do I have to tell you that till I'm blue in the face?
Join the crowd!

 

by kaufman
10-24-03
You're too late, Mr. Bond. My henchmen are about to kill you, World War III is starting, and my investment in winter wheat will go sky high.
*sigh*
Where's the jovial comeback? The snappy pun that suggests I'm about to be thwarted. You're not yourself, Mr. Bond.
I know, I know. Ever since I heard that damned Carly Simon song, I've felt rather insignificant.

 

by kaufman
10-28-03
I can't believe this thread had fewer entries. I mean, look at it, people are dying to get in here.
*AHEM*
Anyhow, honorable mentions in order of date of demise go to NeoVid, umfumdisi, mmyers, smamurai, choadwarrior, and Big Evil Dan. You guys are killing me!
DATES MAY NOT BE IN FORWARD ORDER. COULD BE REVERSE, OR ORDERED BY DAY OF WEEK, OR ALPHABETICAL WHEN WITTTEN IN URDU.
I'm a little dead. You'd better tell them who was judged to have the most outstanding undertaking.
... AND WHO GETS TO CART HIS BODY AWAY AND RUN CC 218: THAT WOULD BE EVILZAK. DOES ANYONE WANT A CAT WITH 8 LIVES LEFT?

 

by kaufman
10-29-03
I hear Monica's again displaying traits of a borderline personality disorder. She's not blowing Bush, too, is she?
No, sir, it's far worse than that.

 

by kaufman
10-29-03
Why, look at all of you! Those are interesting costumes. What are you all dressed as?
We're the entire cast of a hacker-slasher movie.

 

by kaufman
10-29-03
I am so scared. You vant to suck my blood? I'd better give you some extra candy.
Trick or treat.
Whoa, great costume. Here, I'll give you some candy to line your coffin.
I can't believe you won the costume contest. You look nothing like a vampire!
I can't explain it. Whenever I dress up like my mom's chiropractor and put my hands over my face, everyone thinks I'm indistinguishable from Dracula.

 

by kaufman
10-29-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
See Ed around?
Not since sensitivity traning.
No, I still can't feel anything.
Ok, Ed, you're still not sensitive enough. Here, see if you feel it when I poke you with THIS.

 

by kaufman
10-29-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
See Ed around?
Not since sensitivity traning.
So then Alan Alda picks up the wounded baby bird, tapes up it wing, climbs the tree, and puts it back in its nest.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

by kaufman
10-30-03
I'm here in hell, which as you can see has not frozen over. However, in a stunning turn of events, there is a new top-selling fast food chain ...
... and it's owned by the devil himself. Tell me, Lucy, to what do you attribute its success?
It's rather simple. We only serve one kind of food -- the things people have been told NOT to eat. They can't resist.
Welcome to McDevil's, how can I help you?
I'd like a 12-piece raw chicken nuggets, a bag of lead paint chips, a large Everclear, and a yellow snow-cone for dessert. And supersize it.

 

by kaufman
10-31-03
Our top story tonight: Shocking news out of Georgia, where former President Jimmy Carter has been arrested for stalking an unidentified Maryland individual.
The president, as he was being led away, openly sobbed about how his humanitarian legacy had been destroyed by this "Kaufman", and how he had been just spinning his wheels for years.
Dear Mr. Carter: I am writing to ask you to join our noble mission, called Habitrail for Humanity ...

 

by kaufman
11-03-03
Unladen Swallow
Heavily Laden Swallow
Bin-laden Swallow

 

by kaufman
11-03-03
Moooooooom!
There's a monster in my closet!
Oh, don't be silly, here, I'll show you...
Can you hear me now? ... Can you hear me now? ... Canyouhearmenow?
AIIIIIEEEEEEE!

 

by kaufman
11-04-03
Jeez, what a night. I'm still hung over.
Me too. You go get us a table; I'll order for both of us.
Welcome to McDonalds, what would you like today?
I'd like two double cheeseburgers, hold the buns, a couple large cokes, and absolutely no fries.
Coming soon to a theater near you: DUDE, WHERE'S MY CARBS?
Look at this, man. Did we sign up for Atkins or something last night?
Shit, dude, I really can't remember.

Showing page 32.

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