All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
9-24-12
Are you sure we should be driving in this weather?
Don't worry. Those storm chaser guys do it all the time.
I guess you're right.

 

TonightonNewsChannel5wediscussthecurrenttrendsincomiccreation.Onesuchtrendgainingtreadinsomecirclesistheuseofspaceandseparationtocreateisolationandinjectdarkhumorintootherwisemundanesituations.Infact,
somecomiccreatorsclaimsuchanewmethodisnecessaryasmostjokesandfunnystorieshavebeen"told"already.Othercomiccreatorsstatethatthosecomiccreatorsarefulloftripe.Whereisthetruth?Likelysomeplaceinbetweenthem.
by umfumdisi, 9-24-12

 

This just in... A viewer survey taken just before our previous panel suggests that 98% of women cannot tell the difference between a long panel and a short one.
In this newscasters opinion, that sounds like an unscientific poll!
by umfumdisi, 9-24-12

 

by umfumdisi
9-24-12
Oh, we are the lords of stacked-up paper!
See how high it stacks!
Oh, we are the lords of stacked-up paper!
Stacks on top of stacks!
Oh, we are the lords of stacked-up paper!
We're not wearing slacks!

 

by umfumdisi
9-24-12
I brought a clip from my new movie which I'm currently promoting or else I wouldn't be here.
That's great! Let's see your clip.
Howdy.

 

by umfumdisi
9-25-12
Victoria, you're in the wrong restroom.
Sorry, I feel more out of place than a cowboy in a library.
Can't wait to burn these here books -- Yeeeeeee-haw! What? How else 'm I gonna cook my beans?
You're still here.
And your beans are getting cold.

 

by umfumdisi
9-27-12
i hear some user want asianboy character
fuck that, just imagine me without pigtail
or me with short hairs and pants
or me upside-down only in football jersey
kiss me!
who asianboy now?

 

by umfumdisi
9-27-12
...and this is the bedroom. Would you like to get out of your car?
No, you said the rooms were big enough to drive through. Where's the bathroom.
Just enter "Gerald Family Pisser" into your GPS.
S-S-E-R ...Okay.
See, you made it.
I was a bit worried about those stairs...

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
Whasss whong?
My manuscript, she's too big!
Theesss pilehov pappers behind shoo?
Yes, that's her.
Thosss are mine meem-wars!
Slut!

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
Mmmm...soda.
Finally escaped... Now what?

 

It's not lemonade.
by umfumdisi, 11-27-12

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
Oooooooooooooh!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
No. Oooooooooooooh!
Oooooooooaaaaah!
Almost. Oooooooooooooh!
Oh?

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
Hmmm. Which burger would I like?
Witch burger do .... I ... want?
WITCH ... burger ...
Which dumbass is getting the "special" sauce?

 

You want schicken nuggesh? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! Wheresh my dog?
by umfumdisi, 11-27-12

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
Mr. Anderson, your kind is a plague upon the Earth. You breed; you grow; you age; you die.
Your stinking corpses fill the ground and contaminate the water supply. You humans are stray boogers upon the clean, white shirt of life.
You are the dogshit stuck in the treads of a new shoe. You are the wind beneath my wings. I love you.

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
It is warm...
And it doesn't smell too bad...
And that hooker did tell me to "eat shit and die"...

 

by umfumdisi
11-27-12
Come on...tell me.
No.
Please?
It's supposed to remain a mystery.
Because you work in "mysterious ways," right?
Yes. Plus, I can't remember which came first.

 

by umfumdisi
11-28-12
Brains?
No.
Later.

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
Ooh, an ancient relic from a bygone era. I wonder if it works...
Man, there's so much dust on this thing. Guess I'll have to clean it off first.
*rub, rub, rub*

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
Whoa!
Greetings, hu-man. I have been trapp-ed in-side that infernal de-vice for over 30 years!
30 years? That's not very long.
Think of it as try-ing to log on-to AOL via dial-up in the ear-ly 90s. Loooong time.
AOL? Dial-up? You speak in riddles!
Net-scape. Ask Jeeves. Earth-link!

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
So, are you like some kind of genie? Do you grant wishes?
My name is not Jean-ie, and I do not grate fish-es.
No, I freed you from that device. Now you grant me three wishes.
Free dish-es? What do I look like? A wed-ding shower? You'll have to speak more loud-ly.
WHY?
Be-cause I have feet for ears, dumb-ass.

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
SO YOU HAVEN'T REALLY HEARD ANYTHING I'VE SAID SO FAR?
My apolo-gies, young mas-ter...
But I am a tele-phone genie.
SO?
I was read-ing from a script. By the way, are you inter-ested in two bur-ial plots for the price of on-ly one?

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
NO, BUT I AM INTERESTED IN THE WISHES YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME.
Fine. Accord-ing to the genie code, you re-ceive as many wish-es as I have ears.
FUCK ME! I FREE THE ONE GENIE WITHOUT EARS!
Actu-ally, most genies have three ears, thus the num-ber of wish-es. Let me turn a-round so you can speak your wish in my rear ear.

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
GROSS! I WISH I'D NEVER SEEN THAT STUPID OLD PHONE!
As you wish...
?
Ooh, an ancient relic from a bygone era. I wonder if it works...

 

For the last time, now, I say you may not be coming in!
by umfumdisi, 6-10-13

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
Is there a problem, sir?
I ATE THE BONES!
And it's time to go...

 

by umfumdisi
6-10-13
Trick or treat!
What?
Trick or treat!
It's June 11th.
Boxers or briefs?
None of the below?

 

by umfumdisi
6-30-13
So, I dreamed that I was Harry Potter or at least I was in Hogwarts and Ron Weasley was my best friend. And we celebrated my birthday by watching a
Broadway-style show featuring large-breasted women dancing and wearing maid outfits -- not sexy French maid outifts, they were just dressed like maids.
I left the show and flew through the air and saw the biggest house I had ever seen, but it looked like a Minecraft house. It was made out of
pixellated blocks and had torches for lights, and I just sort of floated through a hole in the ceiling and went into the house.
Eventually I was in a kitchen/dining room, and I was taking care of a chihuahua puppy for some reason. I was playing with it when suddenly it ran under the
table and started pooping. At first the poop was tiny, but then it starting getting bigger and bigger until the poop pieces were bigger than the puppy. Then it died. Then I woke up.

 

by umfumdisi
6-30-13
I really like you, Deb, but there's one thing you should know about me...
Damn you, Craigslist!
I'm an atheist.
No way ... I am, too.
Soul-less mates!
Soul-less mates!

 

by umfumdisi
9-02-13
There, in the viewing screen, sits your mission planet, Earth.
Are we destroying it to construct an interstellar highway?
No, that was a much funnier story.
However, we are going to disguise you as a human so that you may blend in, befriend a human, and bring one back for observation.
And probing...don't forget the probing.

 

by umfumdisi
9-02-13
Of course there will be probing... probing questions about human characteristics and habits!
Great. Remind me again why I was chosen for this missionary position.
It turns out that you're *this* much taller than everyone else.
So, like, a couple of millimeters?
Exactly. And our calculations show that your height is the minimum needed to complete the transformation process .
Sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.

 

by umfumdisi
9-30-13
Don't tell anybody, but I've secretly been giving Dave blow jobs in his sleep!
Ooh, kinky!
I keep having this horrible nightmare that a bear is eating my penis!
Ooh, sorry!
And after she goes to sleep, I go to town on him!
Ooh, juicy!

 

by umfumdisi
11-02-16
Great, here I am. Lost in the desert. In my brand new Ele-Car.
Ele-Car! Half Elephant! Half Car! What could be better? asked the salesman.
It doesn't even have that much trunk space...

 

by umfumdisi
11-02-16
Daddy?
Daddy!

 

Damn, I've never seen Obama's face so white!
Yeah, who knew a Trump mask was scarier than my real face?
by umfumdisi, 11-02-16

 

by umfumdisi
11-02-16
We'll be back with the weather in FIVE minutes.
But, first, don't FORget to set your clocks back this weekend.
You've already said that THREE times, Diane.
That's because some people are TOO dumb to remember, Todd. And they end up coming into work late, Todd.
Breaking news, Diane. I'm holding up ONE finger, just for you.
Much like your wife, Todd, I have ZERO interest in taking you up on that. And now the weather...

 

by umfumdisi
11-05-16
Ready or not! Here I come!
How do I know those fuckers didn't just take off their headsets?

 

Ty-D-Bol Man? Who the hell did you piss off?
by umfumdisi, 11-06-16

 

by umfumdisi
11-06-16
Why do you keep appearing in my randomly generated comic layouts?
Why won't you look at me? Why won't you speak?
Why won't you make my toilets sparkle like they used to?

 

by umfumdisi
11-06-16
What're you in for?
Identity theft.
What's identity theft?
When you assume someone else's information and use it as your own.
What's information?
What was your SSN again?

 

by umfumdisi
11-13-16
Thank you for meeting me, Linda.
I --
Shh...I know it's the not the perfect environment for you, but I bought this parcel of land so we can start our new lives here, together.
I --
Shh...we can make it work. Just hold me in your short, supple arms and regurgitate salty fish eggs into my --
I'M NOT LINDA YOU RACIST BASTARD!!!

 

by umfumdisi
11-13-16
You ready?
Yep.
5, 4, 3...
People will be talking about this for centuries!

 

Cool, am I supposed to guess which one holds a prize or something, man?
No, guess which one was shoved up your mother's **** last night.
by umfumdisi, 11-13-16

 

And they say that Butch's heart shrank two sizes that day as he cut down Betty's Christmas tree and took it away.
It's not even Halloween yet. ARRRRRRRGGH!
by umfumdisi, 11-20-16

 

by umfumdisi
11-20-16
Another Thanksgiving...Mom's dry turkey, Uncle Mort's dry humor and butch cousin Ellen knocking the stuffing out of me during backyard football.
It's good to be home.

 

by umfumdisi
11-20-16
Why do you make comics in groups of three?
Maybe you just see them as groups of three instead of affirming their individuality?
Why do you make one one-panel comic, one two-panel comic and one three-panel comic?
Why is every snowflake different?
Why aren't you as funny in real life as you are in your comics?
Why aren't in you bed?

 

by umfumdisi
11-20-16
In my first act as President, I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do.
Buy a wig that fits?
I hereby order the public execution of Rosie O'Donnell!
No comment, smartnuts?
I honestly thought it was going to be something bad...

 

by umfumdisi
11-20-16

 

by umfumdisi
11-20-16
As a woman, I respect your religion.
As a rabbi, I respect your choice to dress like a nafka.
Thank you. Good day.
Mazel tov.
Siri, what's a "nafka"?
He called you a whore.

 

No matter how hard she tried, Linda couldn't make a copy of her snatch.
by umfumdisi, 11-20-16

Showing page 33.

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