All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
2-21-17
Rrrrrrrrrrrooooohm...
Rrrrrrrrrrrooooohm...
Rrrrrrrrrrrooooohm...
Sure is hard to hitchhike without using your hands...

 

Did you at least cook the frozen lasagna before eating it?
I put it in my mouth and sneezed.
by umfumdisi, 2-21-17

 

by umfumdisi
2-21-17
Ask your doctor about Xanax. Warning, prescription Xanax may cause gas with oily discharge, may discharge you from the military,
may charge your credit cards to their limits, may cause a rhinoceros to charge, may excite electrons in a gas discharge tube,
may even charge you with murder, oh, and may cause temporary discomfort or death.
Now they tell me...

 

by umfumdisi
5-14-17
Ok kiddos, I'm Mr. Dalrymple. I have a letter here stating that Mr. Parkins will no longer be teaching this class after running away to Mexico with one of your classmates.
Lucky bast- Anyway, last week I was a lowly sandwich artist. What? No, I didn't work at Subway. I drew sketches of people's lunches in the park for spare change.
English was never my best subject, but with budget cuts and all...I'm basically the only guy who would agree to finish up the year for the school's lowball offer.
I understand you were reading The Catcher in the Rye, a classic novel which I never actually finished. Still, if you have any questions, go ahead.
45 minutes later...
Can someone please tell me where Mexico is and loan me the amount necessary to get there?

 

by umfumdisi
5-14-17
Sir, I've been assigned to you by the State to aid in your rehabilitation so you can return to the outside world.
See this area here between my fingers, missy?
Yes, sir.
That's how many fucks I give about this bullshit.

 

You're in the wrong place.
Over -- not onto, genius.
by umfumdisi, 5-14-17

 

by umfumdisi
7-10-17
First Starbucks opens in France
These French sure know how to dig a trench!
And how to blend a dark roast!
First Starbucks opens in Las Vegas
The only thing hotter than the weather is this cup of coffee!
The only thing looser than Caesar's Palace slots is your mom!
First Starbucks opens at The Vatican
The only thing tastier than this cup of coffee is...
a gay cardinal orgy?

 

by umfumdisi
7-10-17
Off to cheer practice, Da. Thanks for watchin ma baby.
2, 4, 6, 8! Why'd you have to copulate?
Wha ever, you have NO cheer skills. Bah now.
Why'd you have to procreate?
Why didn't I stay celi-bate?

 

by umfumdisi
7-10-17
He was lookin' for a soul to steal...
With that pointy tail, you already stole my heart.
Close enough.
And that's how the devil saved 15% by switching to GAYCO.
Maybe I should switch...

 

by umfumdisi
7-11-17
Then I said to my roommate, "Mum, quit telling me how to live my life!"
Oh dear.
That's one, mate.

 

by umfumdisi
7-16-17
Dad, I have to pee.
Go ahead...
Ah, that's the good stuff!
the bathroom's in there.

 

by umfumdisi
7-16-17
I have to pee really bad!
You can't do that here. This is a factory.
Do you have a restroom?
Of course, it's right next to the cafeteria. Just go...
Thanks. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yes.
Damn, he got me.

 

by umfumdisi
7-16-17
I feel bad that you had to die.
Do not feel sorry for me, my child.
I was talking to your fashion sense.
But I haven't been able to use my hands for 2000 years.
Excuses, excuses.

 

by umfumdisi
10-25-17
Titillating Asian Sluts
Titillating Asian Sluts
Ventilated Village Huts
Ventilated Village Huts
Mutilated Donkey Butts
Mutilated Donkey Butts

 

by umfumdisi
10-25-17
Have mercy on me, sister!
God has mercy upon all his children.
Even drunken bastards who rape nuns in broad daylight?
Isn't this ironic?

 

by umfumdisi
10-26-17
And that's how you remove a wine stain from a satin ball gown.
I was just looking for some moldy cheese...
A Jell-O mold is a tasty dessert, plus it makes a lovely toilet seat cover.
Would it kill you to leave a damn crumb of food on the floor?
Crumbcake contains several of the same letters as clambake.
Your tv show ended years ago.

 

Congratulations! The part is yours as soon as you bend over and make your knees touch your elbows while I spank you with my yarmulke.
Thank you, Mr. Wangstain!
by umfumdisi, 10-26-17

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-17
Oh, you caught me in my underpants!
I was just about to masturbate, which, if you've heard my act, is pretty much how I spend most of my down time.
Anywho, if you want me to stop, please say so. If not, just sign the release on your way out. And speaking of release... ahhhhhhhhh!

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-17
Dear Random Bar Dude, I am a large beetle trapped in a small beetle world. Would you please step on me and end it all? Thank You.
Wow, that's a heavy question, beetle dude. I mean, did you type that letter yourself? Did you dictate it to someone else? Either way, it's a sign of very high intelligence for a mere bug. So...
How do you feel about crucifixion?

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-17
Janitor Man, thank the gods you're here! We've got a big mess to clean up downtown.
Ojay.
All the big-name heroes have been defeated. The fate of Cosmopolis rests on our shoulders, my friend.
Obay.
Wait, you're Rudy the janitor. You have no powers at all! In fact, you can barely even do your job or carry on a simple conversation.
O...may?

 
by umfumdisi, 11-11-17

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-17
As you can see, Robin, I've deciphered this villain's code.
Holy Enigma Machine, Batman!
Yes, and it appears that his nefarious plan is to ...
sneak into the Batcave and masturbate?
Holy Switcheroo, Bat-Dope! Ahhhhhhhh! (sign this waiver)

 

by umfumdisi
11-11-17

 

They're taking my wife to the hospital.
Don't worry, she'll be done in about 20 minutes.
by umfumdisi, 11-11-17

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-17
Nice stick.
Nice ball.
Lucky dog.
Lucky god.
Nice feet.
Nice seat

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-17
Nice rack.
Nice drac.
Nice hair.
Nice dress.
Bitch.
Bitch.

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-17
I'd like to return these muffins...
...because they taste...
...like drool?

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-17
This is my office.
Wowsers.
This is my boss's office.
Neat.
This is where I come to cry.
Gross.

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-17
A Pagoda
Abe Vigoda
A Big Sofa

 

I mean, why do any of us cross the road?
by umfumdisi, 11-12-17

 

by umfumdisi
11-12-17
Darn thing's stuck.
I only have 20 tabs open with 10 funny videos and 10 cat gifs running!
Perhaps you should...reboot.
Hello?

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
Are...are you here to take me home?
Sweetie, do you have any idea how many times I've heard that line tonight?
Approximately 83?
Damn, you're good. Ok, I will take you home.
Thank you, my angel.
You can cool it with the charm, Mr. Loincloth, I already said "Yes."

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
Good evening, barkeep. I'd like to buy a round of water for everyone.
Water is free.
Well then, hop to it.
*Sigh* I know you're just going to turn it into wine.
Would you rather I passed around my blood?
40 waters, coming right up.

 

Oucheth!
by umfumdisi, 12-28-17

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
I don't see a broken chifforobe in here.
Oh, it will be broken...just like your ass after I'm done with you.
Wait, what's the title of this comic?
What does that matter?
I think there might have been a typo.
I think you better be the type o' handy man who doesn't want a bad review on Angie's List.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
I don't like it, Donnie. It's too small.
Come on, Melania.
It's not as big as what I'm used to, and it's too wide.
Just try it. You'll like it.
I guess. At least there was a black guy in there last time.
I hear he liked to use the rear entrance.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
At least things aren't as bad as in 2001
Chop Suey!!
Crap
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? / Here you go create another fable / You wanted to / Grab a brush and put a little makeup / You wanted to / Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup!

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
Master Chen! I seek training in your awesome knowledge.
I don't think this is going to end well.
Master Chen! I will not disappoint you.
Good, I need this report printed verso/recto, collated and bound; add a TOC and complete bibliography...with footnotes and appendices, of course.
Verso? Recto? Appendices?

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
Okay, let's start with something a little more simple. This is a watercooler.
But Master Chen, how does it cool the water?
Seriously?
I am so ashamed.

 

by umfumdisi
12-28-17
Can you at least shred these sensitive documents?
I will defeat them with my Wu-Tang style!
And by that you mean you will place them carefully into the shredding machine...and not chop them up with your ninja sword?
Um...
Yes, Master Chen!

 

by umfumdisi
12-31-17
I've landed on a strange planet where the pudgy lifeforms have long red necks and bulging eyeballs.
I will attempt to communicate with the apparent leader of the tribe. It now seems excited by the prospect.
Would...you...like...an autographed...photo of...me?

 

by umfumdisi
12-31-17
Help me and/or the resistance.
I can't. Im busy milking all these space boobies.
I guess now would be a good time to use the force so I don't die in space even though I died in real life.
I will destroy you, uncle, if it's the last thing I do!
No you won't! (well, kinda you will...maybe)

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-18
All I wanted for Christmas was working legs.
I wrote Santa a letter. I prayed to God. I even sacrificed a goat in Be'elzebub's name.
*Sigh*

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-18
I have a letter here for Herm Itz.
Any Herm Itz here?
Herm Itz? Dammit!

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-18
I'd like...uh
Go ahead.
A...soda. And...er...an ice cream cone.
Is that all?
AND A WHOLE CHICKEN CHOPPED UP INTO NUGGETS AND FRIED!
What kind of sauce?

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-18
I can't believe it's been a whole year since Chen jumped out the window.
I know. They say that sometimes, when it's quiet, you can still hear his scream echoing down the halls.
Ooh, creepy.
And his coffee cup is still in the break room. Sometimes, when it's cold outside, that cup is full of steaming hot coffee!
Sometimes, when he gets really lonely, Chen thinks he should tell everyone that he faked his own death and has been living in the basement ever since.

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-18
I read.
I learn.
I recycle.
I am recycling.
I chop.
I surrender.

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-18
Ah, winter break. Left alone with my thoughts. I can finally relax and enjoy some peace and quiet.
~\ Oh, Christmas Tree! Oh, Christmas Tree! /~

 

Caddysnack
by umfumdisi, 1-03-18

 

by umfumdisi
1-21-18
What time is it, Pa?
Don't rightly know, boy.
Just look at yer phone.
Can't remember where I left it.
Is that why we're at the dead body hospital?
Nah, that's 'cause we're necrophiliacs.

Showing page 35.

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