All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
2-16-04
The philosophers were wrong, God isn't dead
The sun still shines, the flowers still grow...
And people are still asking how they can delete comics.

 

by kaufman
2-17-04
I think Boddah hates me.
Probably because you mispronounce his name. Now, to reach the Buddha's level of enlightenment, and to leave this mortal coil, consider the sound of one lamp clapping.
*SLAM*
Was it something I said?

 

by kaufman
2-18-04
Sucky sucky, fifty cent!
Hey, stop it right there. It's sinful what you're doing!
What? To engage in consensual commercial sex for a living? There are far worse things than that going on.
It's not that. It's just that the sun isn't completely down. It's still the Sabbath. Wait a few minutes, then we can work.
Sucky sucky.
Havdalah.

 

by kaufman
2-18-04
Here's the new can't miss sitcom, My Daddy's a Zombie. It's got everything, cute little kids ...
Daddy, where are you going to take us today?
BRAAAIIIIIINNS!!!
Gratuitous scenes of a scantily-clad blonde co-star ...
Honey, I'll be dressed in just a moment, and then I can fix you breakfast. What would you like?
BRAAAAANNNNS!!!
And of course gripping conflict.
I really hope the Cub Scout picnic won't be called off. What's the weather like?
RAAAIIIIIINNS!!!

 

by kaufman
2-19-04
Good news, sir. The boys in research have found a bit of Helen Keller's DNA. They're cloning it now.
Great, great! What are you planning to do with it?
We're thinking of having her tend to a parapalegic in need of care on a new show. We'll call it "Deaf-Blind Eye for the Lame Guy."
Genius! Pack up your stuff; you're getting promoted!
What a nice day for a walk.
Are you nuts? You're pushing me down the middle of a busy street. HELLLLP!

 

by kaufman
2-20-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 Hours Later
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Sorry I'm late. I got run over by a steamroller on the way home.
YAAAAY! We can eat Daddy!

 

by kaufman
2-21-04
So, you have an idea for a show for us at the WB, Mr., uh, Pedantic?
That's Dr. Pedantic, you sniveling twit, and your two-bit network is WB. No The. It's not The CBS, not The CNN, not The Nickelodeon ...
ALL I CAN SAY IS: DIE, YOU ENGLISH-FOULING SPAWN OF SATAN!
Er, now that I've vented my spleen on that vital issue, care to hear about my idea for a show?
moh.

 

by kaufman
2-23-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 Hours Later
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Meanwhile, at a Church Police random traffic stop ...
Before I can let you pass, tell me what "shrove" is the past tense of.
Shrave? OWWWW! Shroof? HEY SISTER, THAT HURTS! Shreve...port?

 

by kaufman
2-24-04
Evolution and chaos theory are wonderful things. Some of the cats who were left to drown adapted to their surroundings, and formed a thriving underwater community.
Until that day in 1965 when a young Kansas City baseball prospect went for a swim ...
What are you going to do? Shoot me?
Actually, no. I'm going to take you out with a 90 mph. slider.
Owner Charlie Finley took notice, and soon signed the kid to a large bonus and gave him a nickname that would stick with him forever.
Coming up next on SportsCentury, Catfish Hunter's glory years in Oakland.

 

by kaufman
2-24-04
As the water enters our lungs, do you think our lives will pass before our eyes?
As the water enters our lungs, do you think our lives will pass before our eyes?
As the water enters our lungs, do you think our lives will pass before our eyes?

 

by kaufman
2-24-04
lap lap lap lap lap lap lap ...
lap lap lap lap lap lap lap ...
Note to self: Drowning cats in the toilet does not work.
aaaaaah.

 

by kaufman
2-24-04
Far beneath the ocean lies a a feline who survived and developed mutated superpowers.
Mrr-rowr.
The day will come when he rises out of the ocean in search of revenge, terrorizing the humans who sank him so long ago.
Aiiiiiii, Cathooloo!
Prrrrrrrrrt.
But not now. No, not now. Now he wants to take a nice long nap in his underwater city.
R'lyeh.

 

by kaufman
2-26-04
One day at the beach ...
What's that?
Fluffy must have coughed up another hairball.

 

by kaufman
2-27-04
Come with me, ma'am. We've pulled some artifacts from the wreckage, and we'd like you to take a look at them.
Oh my goodness!
That's the crucifix I wore around my neck. That boy ... Josh gave it to me.

 

by kaufman
2-27-04
I was on board with my boyfriend, Rich ...
This ship is SO luxurious!
A mere small step down in class if I say so.
but I ran into this hunk from steerage.
My name's Josh.
Hi. I'm Rose.
He was a lot more fun.
Wanna go back to my cabin and listen to a Norwegian Death Metal version of "Nearer My God to Thee?"
I can't. I have to help my boyfriend count his money.

 

by kaufman
2-27-04
It turned out he was quite an artist. He drew me!
And he gave me that crucifix. So we went back to my room and I nailed him!
Yes! Yes! HARDER!
Let me tell you, I REALLY nailed him!
What do you think?
I can see your house from up here. I'M KING OF THE WORLD!

 

by kaufman
2-27-04
But then the Jews came and sank the ship.
You're saying the Titanic was sunk by a Jew?
Yeah, what was his name? Goldberg? Steinberg? Iceberg? Yes, that's it!
So you survived and Josh didn't. How come? There weren't enough lifeboats?
No, there were plenty, But he refused to get in the lifeboat. His last words were ...
It's not a problem. I can walk on water.

 

by kaufman
3-02-04

 

by kaufman
3-02-04
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Well, frankly, I think it'll be a lot like where I see myself now.
You know, mirrors, puddles of water, and, *tee hee hee*, my patent leather shoes.
Oh, and I'm sure those videos I see myself in with Paris Hilton, Ron Jeremy, and two clydesdales will still be available over the internet.

 

by kaufman
3-02-04
I'll make your Blue Screen of Death a more tasteful mauve, Mr. Gates.
Ok, you know, like, the episode where Captain Kirk makes a planet better by leaving a book on Chicago gangsters? We can do the same thing -- we all have machine guns ...
Two words: Velveeta wrestling.

 

by kaufman
3-03-04
Let me tell you about that great brie I had in '96.
Never mind that, hurry up -- you'll miss the slide show from Limburg.
... so it comes with parmesan, ricotta, romano, feta, and mozzrella, and when the waiter asks me if I need anything else, I ask him to melt some cheddar on it.
Whoa, that sounds good. Are you thinking of attending the seminar on cattle breeding?
Just perfect. We've waited a year for this vacation, and the hotel we're staying at is hosting a cheesehead convention.
Maybe there's a good Chinese restaurant nearby.

 

by kaufman
3-04-04
My mommy's nicer than your mommy!
Oh yeah? Did she hold you and rock you for three hours straight? Has she already created a 70-megabyte Web page devoted strictly to you?
No ...
So there. Ha ha!
My mommy let me eat the placenta.
WAAAAAAAA!

 

by kaufman
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.
A medic from the Swiss Army had saved John's manhood after the accident in Kosovo ...
No, I'd rather have it with the scissors extended and the toothpick removed..
Ok, I'll put it this way.

 

by kaufman
3-05-04
I just got your Music to Strip By collection. Is that supposed to mean I can use it to become a better stripper?
That's right, it's got three hours of music themed to particular characters and backgrounds, including the entire threereasons set.
You mean if I'm making a comic with a particular character, I just pop the appropriate song in, and I'll get proper inspiration?
Exactly. If you want to use Clango, play the Clango Music. If you want Cthulhu, cue his song up.
And the same goes for backgrounds. So if I want to use the Spaceship background, all I need to do is play that song off the Backgrounds tape?
What? I can't hear you. My cat's purring too loudly.

 

by kaufman
3-05-04
Ready?
I guess.
Well?
Let me put it this way.
In the event of premature ejaculation, this comic comes equipped with BIG JIM SLADE! Big Jim has satisfied women throughout the world, and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!

 

by kaufman
3-06-04
The correct question is "Why is the vacuum Hoovering?"
Rats. I was going to ask "Why is this comic wirthling?"
Why is this comic me? And if I am something inside this comic, am I inside myself?
And if so, by that measure, is a little cell in my finger actually another comic?
And then are my sperm just potential comics, impressed with miniature Asian girls? What about the Y-chromosome ones?
Kajun, did you get Wirthling stoned again?

 

by kaufman
3-09-04
Anyone home? Come on, open up.
Open up. I just want to talk to you a bit about Jesus. I know you're in there, but I can knock all day.
Now, be very careful out there. Rodriguez is known for hitting below the belt, and he's liable to give you a good one if he feels the need.
It's not a problem, Doc. I'm protected. The most or less great number of knocks determines the fineness of cup. We're talking mithril, here.

 

by kaufman
3-15-04
Hey, you're still eating that GM food, aren't you?
Why, yes I am.
Get off that shit, man! Eat organic. It's healthier, and better for the environment.
I beg to differ. My GM diet is definitely making a difference.
Every Cavalier steering wheel I eat takes another deathtrap off the roads. Every Suburban engine I ingest reduces pollution and foreign oil dependence.

 

by kaufman
3-16-04
Afterlife Central, this is Gabriel speaking, how can I help you?
No, I'm sorry, you can't talk to him. You know the rules. He is dead, passed from this mortal coil 15 years ago. He is not permitted to interact with the living!
I really don't care if you want to fire him, Mr. Steinbrenner, but if you keep calling to speak with Billy, I'll have no choice but to call in a plague of locusts on Yankee Stadium.

 

by kaufman
3-17-04
Hello, Mrs. Keller. Is Helen ready for her lesson?
Yes, Anne. She's been having a lot of fun today.
We were at Wal-Mart, and found her a Braille joke book. She's been laughing up a storm in there.
Why, that's wonderful!
...and Jesus says, "Peter, I can feel your house from here!"
Hee hee.

 

by kaufman
3-20-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
HARVEY!!! Stop glorp-glorping the alien, so I can show him the Spanish Steps.
Well, not what I had in mind, but, when in Rome...

 

by kaufman
3-21-04
So you really want me to give you a good rating, MikeyG? I make my ratees earn it. I'll ask two questions. Get one right, and you'll get a "good" rating.
Sounds fair to me. Ask away.
Okay. What does the "G" in MikeyG stand for?
That's a hard one. Better ask me Question two.
Here you go. How do you spell the "G" in MikeyG?
*sigh* -- just give me the bad rating.

 

by kaufman
3-22-04
We did it! We covered the point spread!
That bald-headed pitcher just overpowered us.
Not to mention that funny-looking kid at Shortstop.
First I want to lay the lion's share of the blame on Jesus for letting us down.

 

by kaufman
3-24-04
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who
Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up
moh?
moh.
MikeyG's.
?
?

 

by kaufman
3-25-04
Go, Ned Beatty, go!
Hey, did you hear they're working on a remake of Deliverance?
Oh, please, no! Not another butchering of a timeless classic! Lord only knows what liberties they'll take with the script.
I haven't heard. All I know is they're moving the setting from Georgia to New Jersey.
Let me guess ... the theme song is now going to be Dueling Bonjovis?

 

by kaufman
3-29-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell.
I'll see what I can do about it.
The next day ...
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome printer turned into a mouse by an evil spell.

 

by kaufman
3-31-04
Help!
What's the problem, little mouse?
I'm a handome prince turned into a mouse by a evil spell!
I'll see what I can do about it.
*** ZAP! ***
Foolish mortal, behold the Prince of Darkness!
Well, well, you are quite handsome. Your place or mine?

 

by kaufman
4-01-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
BRAAAAAAP!
Right on! Down with the monarchy! Power to the people!

 

by kaufman
4-01-04
Oh great Master, I have crossed the Great Desert and climbed this mountain to find you, in hope that you can answer my question.
This week's comic contest is to offend boinky33. How can I offend him the most and win his contest?
The best way to offend him is not to enter his contest.

 

by kaufman
4-02-04
What the?
It's Sunday, April 1, and as an April Fools joke, I'm bringing back all the creatures I killed last week.
You're alive. Go home!
You mean I have to slit my wrists AGAIN to end it all? Thanks a lot!
Brad, for my grand finale, I'm going to resurrect the ear that was bitten off a candy Easter bunny, so I need "Bongo" brought back.
NO!

 

by kaufman
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Toga, Toga, TOGA, TOGA, TOGA!
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

 

by kaufman
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
What do you say we go down and rebuild Iraq?
No can do. Cheney gave the contract to Odin and the Valhalliburton gang.

 

by kaufman
4-05-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
Want to see my collection of online porn?
I'm out of here. My mother warned me to beware of Greeks bearing GIFs.

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
Zeus! I'm bored!
Are you kidding? We're on Mt. Olympus! We have everything.
Fun, Zeus, I want to do something fun! Tell me, what do you do for fun?
Hmmm...
The disguise worked, Natasha. He didn't suspect a thing. Now he come here to get his furry friend.
Excellent, Boris. Den we will capture Zeus and squirrel!

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold.
Oooooh, shiny.
And she's buying a stairway to Heaven.
How much for the stairway?
Everything's $1.
When she gets there she knows if the stores are all closed, with a word she can get what she came for.
Muffins.
Right this way, ma'am.

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
Ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh, And she's buying a stairway to Heaven.
I'd like another one.
$1, please.
There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure, 'cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
NO CLEAVING.
If I were in Cleveland, I'd know what to do.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings ...
Do you know "Immigrant Song?"
No I don't, but I'll sing you a few verses of "Sometimes all of Our Thoughts are Misgiven."

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
Ooooooh, it makes me wonder. Ooooh, makes me wonder.
What the fuck is this song tallking about?
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving.
I'm suddenly itchy.
Buh-bye!
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees and the voices of those who stand looking.
Pufff ... pufff ... pufff
Hello? We're looking!

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
Ooooooh, it makes me wonder. Ooooh, really makes me wonder.
And what's all this fuss about rotor turbines?
And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune, then the piper will lead us to reason.
FREEBIRD!
Right this way. I'm going to Edinburgh by way of Reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stay long, and the forests will echo with laughter.
I think I took Viagra instead of Geritol this morning.
Ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now. It's just a spring clean for the May Queen.
I said, "spring clean," not "Spankling."
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder ....
Can't he think of anything other than that tired Cowboy Physics gag?

 

by kaufman
4-06-04
Your head is humming, and it won't go in case you don't know, The piper's calling you to join him.
Ommmmmmmm...
Let's play biscuits.
Dear lady, can you hear the Wind blow?
Hello, my name is The Wind. Sucky-sucky, five dollah.
Can I listen in for a buck?
And did you know, your stairway lies on the whispering Wind.
Psssst...I've got a stairway on me. One dollah!
Sold!

Showing page 36.

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