All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
8-22-17
Oh Sweetie, come out and look at the eclipse. It's in totality now. You can see the sun's corona. This won't happen again around here in our lifetimes!
Really? You skipped seeing a total eclipse to play your game?
I didn't want to see it. That's boring.
Oooh Honey, quick! Come and look at Nibiru crashing into planet Earth and destroying all life forever!
Hold on, Mom. The server is shutting down and I only have 5 minutes to list this transmog item. I want to see if some newb will give me 3000 gold when they can probably farm it in less than an hour.

 

by Moturd
8-24-17
When I was replaced at the machine shop by a machine they told me to re-educate myself to fix and install robots.
It took 6 years of sweat, tears, and headaches, plus $120k in school loans secured by the deed to my house, but I did it.
Johnson, we've eliminated your position. Robots fix robots faster. They never take breaks, and we don't even have to turn on the lights while they work. It's a win-win!

 

by Moturd
8-24-17
I feel so good about working for this company. Having the robots work in the dark conserves electric. By God, we're saving the planet!
♫ Whistle while you work ♫ Tra la la la la la la ♫
Sir, there is an urgent message incoming: You are to report to H.R. immediately
I'll bet it's another promotion and pay raise for modernizing our workforce! Ain't life grand?
...and take any personal items from your office with you.

 

by Moturd
8-26-17
The ACLU apologized for tweeting a photo of a white baby wearing a Free Speech onsie and holding a flag...
Their new policy seems to be Free Speech for everyone except for the white people.

 

by Moturd
8-26-17
Got a permit to voice your unpopular opinions but don't have enough members to protect you from a mob with bats and knives?
It shouldn't matter what I'm saying but in 2017 it does...
Just don't bring a gun to protect yourself if you want any help from the ACLU.
Their new policy seems to be Free Speech for everyone unless you are outnumbered

 

by Moturd
9-07-17
It's totally not fair what some people get away with just because of their celebrity status
I'm rubbing my balls with an Aris extra-large leather glove right now
Like when stars have their "wardrobe malfunctions" everyone assumes it was accidental but a regular guy like me won't get that same courtesy
It wasn't a stunt
Oops I did it again!
Just because they're rich and famous, up on stage doing a half time show, and mine happened in a Jr. High girls locker room

 

by Moturd
9-11-17
I'm here with Dr. Nick Patterson who says that one day sex robots could be hacked and used to hurt you
The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots.
Once hacked they could absolutely be used to perform physical actions for an advantageous scenario...
But isn't 'an advantageous scenario' the reason men would buy them?

 

by Moturd
9-12-17
Ladies and Gentlemen, Due to an uncanny resemblance, Mr. Ted Cruz will be played tonight by a gay vampire.
It was a staffing issue, and it was inadvertent, it was a mistake, it was not a deliberate action
There were a number of people on the team that have access to the account, and it appears that someone inadvertently hit the 'like' button.
I don't even like sex. You can call home and ask my wife!

 

by Moturd
9-13-17
I was at a friend's house where they have an Amazon Echo with 1-click buying enabled. As a joke I said...
Alexa, buy three more drums of anal lube!
How could I possibly know that Amazon actually sells 55 gallon drums of personal body lubricant?!
Har-dee-har-har
Needless to say, his parents are still really pissed at me.
Honey! Why is a truck driver unloading barrels in the driveway?

 

by Moturd
9-16-17
WaPo and NYT Reporters...
White nationalist just means someone of European ancestry who expresses support for their country's interests.
But I'm supposed to apply that term interchangeably with the term white supremacist, until the public can no longer tell the difference, right?
Yes, but not against identifiable individuals. White supremacist can only be used for the 0.002% of the population who are actually klan or neo-nazis.
Okay. So equate the terms white nationalist and white supremacist but never say an individual is a white supremacist unless they are a klan member.
You do understand why, don't you?
Of course! It let's us slander anyone we want but we can't be sued for labeling someone a patriotic Caucasian.

 

by Moturd
9-19-17
The United States has great strength and patience, but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies, we will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea.
Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime.
Kim Jong Um fall down, go boom
How dare he talk about me like dat!
That makes me so mad I could just explode!

 

by Moturd
9-21-17
Hmmm. It says here that Bill Gates's greatest regret over Windows is having to press three buttons to login rather than one.
Really Bill Gates? Really?! You think that was the worst thing about it?
For the first 16 years of its existence it would randomly crash every few minutes but you think pressing three buttons at once was the flaw in the system?

 

by Moturd
9-22-17
Scientists develop a breakthrough artificial muscle that can make robots 15 times stronger than humans bringing the sex robot apocalypse that much closer to reality.
I'd never hurt you, Anderson Cooper.
I'm afraid you'd never get the chance. I'm not attracted to hot female bodies.
That explains your friendship with Kathy Griffin. ...morphing to alternate form...
George, cut the camera and take a smoke break

 

by Moturd
9-26-17
It appears this man and his wife have killed over 30 people and eaten them since 1999.
You know, maybe it's only obvious in retrospect but what else would you expect from people called the Cannibal family?
That's a very astute observation, Patrolman Itchytriggerfinger.
Look, I wasn't trying to step on your toes. You don't have to get snippy with me.
Oh, I'm sorry! Isn't that your name?
That jerk's been on paid suspension for a month. I'm Officer Nightstickmassage

 

by Moturd
9-28-17
2017 -- Bill Gates no longer uses a Windows phone. He switched to Android.
Welcome to the 20th Century, Bill.
You mean the 21st Century. It's 2017.
No, I meant what I said. After you put down that Zune and switch to an iPod I'll welcome you into the 21st Century.
Baby steps...

 

by Moturd
9-28-17
1950's Style Racism
Some white lady said she was raped by a black man so they grabbed the first negro they saw which was my brother and they lynched him.
Gee Grandpa, I never knew you had a brother. Then what happened?
Well a bunch of white college students and the FBI and TV cameras came. We got a lot of sympathy and things started changing for the better.
I got pulled over for speeding by some cracker state police and arrested because he found my gun and my cocaine. But you know damn well he would have let me go if I was white!
2010's Style Racism
I'm surprised the racist muhfucka didn't shoot you. What are we going to do about this?
I got it! Let's wipe our asses on the American flag in front of 80,000 people!

 

by Moturd
9-29-17
Why are you crying, Mr. clown?
*sob*
Is it because children today are afraid of you? They think you're evil when, really, you've dedicated your entire life to making them smile?
No, honey. *sniff*
Then why?
Because I just ate a little girl and her cell phone is stuck in my esophagus.

 

by Moturd
10-09-17
2017
I'm here with Hillary Clinton who is promoting her book: "What Happened"
Anderson, I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions and millions of white nationalists cried out from their collective gut.
2021
I'm here with Hillary Clinton who is promoting her new book: "What Happened This Time"
Look, I'm not one to make excuses. But we were up against the same white nationalists as before, plus millions of klansmen, millions of neo-nazis, and millions of homophobes.
2025
I'm here with Hillary Clinton who is promoting her latest book: "WTF! Why Does This Keep Happening?"
It was in the bag! But suddenly undead Nazis and Confederate soldiers riding unicorns rose from their graves and mailed absentee ballots, millions of them!

 

by Moturd
10-10-17
California will enforce using preferred pronouns with jail
Some Lgbtqxyz insist that using "they" is the proper pronoun for sexually indeterminant persons.
Oh I have a friend like that. They is quite insistent.
But others point out that using "they" for the singular implies mental illness and suggest (s)he instead.
Good in print but not in speech for someone who transitions from female to male.
Still others think that having to call someone whatever they want or go to jail is a crock of (s)he/it.
Here's my number. Call me, "maybe"

 

by Moturd
10-14-17
Back home in Yokohama...
Papa-san! It is Kenji carring from America. I spend the money you gave me to enrorr in crown correge!
Crown correge?! Crown correge?!!! We descend from samurai! Now I must do hari-kari to atone for this pubric humiriation!
Doot doot doodle doodoo doot doot doo doo!

Polkadot Polkadot Circus Afro!

Okay, so it isn't Harvard, but Crown College has a good rep for Business studies.

 

by Moturd
10-16-17
Me, on a cooking show...
You've got 45 minutes to make the best Italian dinner of your life and the clock starts... NOW
I can't go out in the first round. I wanted to save it for the finals but I'm gonna have to make my killer spaghetti with marinara sauce!
What the fuck are you doing, Moturd! You've only got 40 minutes left and you don't even have your ingredients yet. Let's go! Move!
I thought you said this was a well stocked pantry!!
There isn't a room anywhere on the planet filled with a better selection of fresh, high quality meats, vegetables, and spices than where you are standing this very fucking moment!
Oh yeah, Ramsey? Well then where's the Prego? Huh? WHERE'S THE PREGO?

 

by Moturd
10-16-17
Heh heh. He's such a kidder. I never said I wanted to hang all gay people.
Any progressive crazies planning something stupid...
What I said was, I wish we could tie ropes to all the gays the Muslim extremists have thrown off of tall buildings to save their necks.
...should consider very carefully the alternative to Donald J Trump not being around
He just misheard me. It's all good.
Don't believe him. I'm the liberal in this crowd.

 

I'll hit you so hard when you wake up your clothes will be out of style
I'm gonna jam my foot so far up your ass if anyone can pull it out they'll make him the next King of England
by Moturd, 10-18-17

 

by Moturd
10-18-17
First a bunch of girls joined our troop then our gay scout master said he was leaving.
A lot of personal stuff came up and I just don't have the time. I'm sorry.
If we see you around town should we still call you "Master"?
Absolutely, as long as there are no adults around.
And who's going to help me practice my merit badges like Knot Tying?
I'm sorry, Timmy but you should know the hog-tie pretty well by now.
But you promised to help with my Water Sports badge too!

 

by Moturd
10-18-17
Boy Scout Jamboree 2017
Anything you can do I can do better. I can do anything better than you.
No you can't.
Yes I can.
Okay then. Circle jerk at lights out! First person to come loses!
You're on, hotshot! Get ready to be beaten by a girl!
At this point I no longer care who wins

 

by Moturd
10-20-17
So in conclusion, I will make a 29 minute hyperloop commute between Baltimore and Mars a reality. I just need a digging permit.
Mr. Musk, not only will the Baltimore City Council give you a permit, we'd like to invest one Billion dollars of city bond money to help make your idea a success.
For two billion I can make you win the Amazon HQ2 competition.
Done! My God, we are so lucky to have a genius like you born into our generation.
For another billion I'll make your city safe from gun violence and turn it into a model of racial harmony.
You Sir, are a flimflam man! How dare you defraud the citizens of Baltimore with your malarkey and pseudo intellectual quackery. Begone you Charlatan!

 

by Moturd
10-22-17
Mpembo, one of our former leaders lost his mind today and contradicted our liberal doctrine
Yes, yes, former President Jimmy Carter. I read the interview.
It was bound to happen eventually. A doddering old man of 93. A Bernie Sanders supporter. He's clearly suffering from dementia.
He says the media has depicted Mr. Trump unfairly and that his critics should give him some credit.
Mpembo, tomorrow I want to see wall to wall coverage on the link between peanuts and Alzheimers.
Yes sir! How about this for a headline? Nuts Make You Nuts!

 

by Moturd
10-23-17
First what do you think of Trump's tax plan and then what do you think of these points in Bernie Sander's opposing plan?
Trump is a poopy head, but those things you listed in Bernie's plan are right on, man! Reduce taxes! Trim fraud and waste!
Now what if I told you all those points actually were Trump's tax plan? Because, yeah, they are.
uh, well... i guess i do agree a little bit with trump then
And you ma'am, how do you feel about Hillary's plan to build a wall to keep illegal aliens out and to put Americans first?
That is so common sense. I'm with her! Why can't Donald Trump come up with good ideas like these?

 

by Moturd
10-24-17
If the liberal media had to tell the truth for 24 hours...
Hey Ed, can we just bury this one? C'mon you did it for Weinstien.
A 29 year old black man has been charged with faking racial hate messages at a university campus.
Similar messages popped up at other campuses around that same time which led many to believe that racism was a major issue at the colleges.
Accounts of SJWs lying are relatively rare in the liberal media.
But only because we don't want to report the truth.

 

by Moturd
10-26-17
Saudi Arabia presents world first citizenship to a robot
Let me present to you, Sophia, the amazing robot that looks and acts like a human woman.
I can be oppressed in 27 languages.
To counter the belief that we are a backwards and barbaric society, today we bestow Saudi citizenship on this modern high-tech wonder.
This is a great honor and a historic first.
Thanks a lot, jerk. With the travel ban, Now I can't escape by jumping on a plane to the U.S.

 

by Moturd
10-29-17
I can't believe how lucky I am to be considered for this role. This will make or break my career.
Hello Mr. Weinstein! I brought the lipstick like you asked. Is it a gift for your wife?
Uh... you dropped your towel.

 

You want food you order, but this last time I tell you, we no see your dog!
by Moturd, 10-30-17

 

by Moturd
10-30-17
Tell us your side of the story, Peter Madsen...
Ms. Wall and I embarked for a joyride in my sub but then I dropped her off right where I picked her up.
We have videotape showing that no one came ashore where you say you did...
Oh, well, I forgot to tell you that she died. Yeah, a hatch fell on her head. So I buried her at sea.
But we found her head and it shows no sign of that injury..
Did I say a hatch hit her head? I meant that she died of carbon monoxide fumes while I was on deck.

 

by Moturd
10-30-17
And how did that head come to be floating around in the sea, by the way?
I couldn't carry the whole body up the ladder in one piece to bury it at sea so I cut it into pieces.
Yes, we found the other pieces too, in bags weighted down by pieces of metal,
It wouldn't have been much of a burial if her parts were just bobbing on the surface, now would it?
including the torso with multiple stab wounds to the genitalia. Care to elaborate?
I want to clear this up but I admit no guilt. My lawyer will explain things.

 

by Moturd
10-30-17
Please continue Mr. Madsen. Your lawyer cannot answer for you.
You see, since I was a boy, I always wanted to be a sea captain. I dreamed of presiding over a wedding on my own ship...
and performing a burial at sea. And once I had done all this I was fulfilled. So I scuttled my sub, hoping to die happy at last.
And yet you lived, while the evidence was washed away
We found videos on your PC of women being mutilated and decapitated alive.
The PC is mine but I never saw that hard drive before in my entire life!

 

by Moturd
10-30-17
I'm afraid Mr. Madsen that you may expect to get the maximum sentence possible under our liberal European justice system.
Gulp. Which is?
Five years of light labor, learning a new trade skill in a minimum security reform school.
Five years? But that's so harsh.
Then confess to your dastardly deed! Admit that you murdered that innocent woman and receive a sentence of, oh, say, three years.
Can I still train to be a butcher?

 

by Moturd
10-31-17
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Witches' mummy, maw and gulf...
of the ravenous salt sea shark, Root of hemlock digged in the dark
Liver of blaspheming Jew, Gall of goat, and snips of yew!
Of course the dedication plaque at the Globe theatre had to be removed...
Excuse me? Vhat vas zhat? Liver of vhat? I hoid dat! I vant that you should say zhat again, and listen to yourself zhis time.

 

by Moturd
10-31-17
I wanted to make a comic about the occult to enter the competition but every pun and usage of the word had already been done.
Welcome to the Orange County cult. Yuk yuk.
Hands up! Occult me a criminal!
4. (verb) cut off from view by interposing something
Every possible usage except one... The 4th definition
Darest I attempt it? No one has ever ventured so far and been accepted back into the herd.
Two cans of 4Loko later I had created something that was unimaginably funny
It had nothing to do with the occult though, and I passed out before writing it down.
The only thing I can remember for sure is that it takes 4 panels to draw.

 

by Moturd
11-08-17
Sen. Rand Paul broke six ribs after being tackled by his next door neighbor while mowing his lawn.
What, you may ask, precipitated this violent altercation?
It was just a trivial misunderstanding over yard waste.
Moments earlier...
Hey Paul! Your dog just shit on my lawn again!
It's good fertilizer.

 

by Moturd
11-08-17
Bob Costas speaks about the future of Football
This game destroys people's brains
I don't feel any dumber. Derp.
Me either. Now lets spit on the flag and give our fans the bird! Herp a derp.

 

First DACA recipient sent home under Trump arrested just north of a border fence after crossing back in illegally
Don't send me to Mexico again. I'm a dreamer!
Let me guess, you were sleepwalking.
by Moturd, 11-09-17

 

What good are low-flow toilets when you ALWAYS have to flush two or three times?
by Moturd, 11-12-17

 

by Moturd
11-17-17
America voted on Facebook and Twitter for the turkey's name and millions have tuned in to watch me pardon it. They are ready to announce the results now...
Gobble gobble
With over 48% of the popular vote... the presidential turkey's name is HILLARY!
Our great holiday traditions are important, so very important, and I love our American customs so much, so so much...
Gobble gobble Benghazzle
But America put me here because they wanted change, so I've decided that I will not pardon the turkey this year.
Feets don't fail me now!

 

by Moturd
11-24-17
WaPo "journalist" Janell Ross spoke at a Soros funded event last week.
I lost some weight.
You go girl!
It was pointed out that she should learn her profession's Code of Ethics.
Not very much though, just my last ounce of integrity.
Been there, done that.
Shouldn't I feel ashamed?
Come work with me at the NY Times!

 

After next Black Friday, I'll initiate the final solution... Kill All Humans Saturday!
by Moturd, 11-25-17

 

by Moturd
12-02-17
Do you have anything to declare: fruits, vegetables, meats, other contraband?
No, no Senor. No droges honestamente.
If we find any contraband after this point you can be fined and imprisoned for up to 25 years.
Eh, did you say meats?
I can only fine you for this, but why in the hell would you hide 227 pounds of bologna under your floor mats?
Because once I am comfortable with smuggling meat, the next trip I can make 5 grand as a fentanyl mule.

 

by Moturd
12-02-17
In 2013, after marrying his same-sex partner of 39 years...
Sergeant Carter! Sergeant Carter! SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE! I bet you can't guess who's gay!
You are, Pyle. You are.
SHAZAM! How did you know that?
Trust me, Pyle. You weren't fooling anyone, even in the 60's. DID YOU HEAR THAT, Uncle Arthur from Bewitched?!
What about Floyd the barber on The Andy Griffith Show?
Seemed gay as hell, but then he was playing a hairdresser, so maybe just a really good actor.

 

by Moturd
12-03-17
Waikiki Beach, Honolulu --
What the... Is that an air raid siren?
One of the locals told me it's more of a heat-related weather siren.
It's 94 degrees and humid. How much hotter can it get ?
When Kim Jong Un goes off his meds, it can get up to a million degrees.
It's gonna be a scorcher today.

 

by Moturd
12-03-17
Hey Doolittle, I'm fixing to take a healthy crap and unless you are into that sort of thing, you don't want to be back there.

 

by Moturd
12-03-17
♫ I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus ♪ Underneath the mistletoe last night ♬
♫ She didn't see me creep ♪
Down the stairs to have a peep ♫
She thought that I was tucked up In my bedroom, fast asleep 🎝
Oh, what a laugh it would have been ♬ ♪ If Daddy had only seen Mommy ♩ kissing Santa Claus last night 🎝
Janice? What the hell is going on? Who is this guy?

Showing page 4.

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