All comics by Straightshooter

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by Straightshooter
7-02-12
Another day in paradise, isn't it?
OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH!!!!
No, the song playing in the background. It's 'Another Day in Paradise' by Phil Collins, isn't it?
Oh.....yeah.
Little uptight tonight, aren't ya?
Oh yeah.

 

by Straightshooter
7-04-12
Hail citizen! Why isn't there any celebration for 4th of July today?
Well, kant shoot off no FARwerks cause of the heat .
Isn't there more to Independence Day than just fireworks?
It ain't no three day weekend neither.
Are you telling me you can only celebrate America's birthday on a three day weekend?
Don't ferget 'bout tha FARwerks!

 

by Straightshooter
8-01-12
Get this shit. I'm asleep this morning and I hear a faint, "tap, tap" downstairs at my door. Then I hear it again a few moments later.
What did they want?
No idea. I looked to see who was there, but there wasn't anyone around. They didn't leave anything either.
Who the hell taps faintly on someone's door early in the morning during the middle of the week, then leaves without any note or anything?
Someone that didn't want it bad enough. If they don't want it bad enough, fuck 'em, I ain't answering.
I agree.

 

by Straightshooter
8-22-12
FLASHBACK- 2004
Well, I don't see anyone around here to seat us.
You'd think that a brand new restaurant would make sure to seat customers immediately!
It's called the Front Porch. Maybe we are supposed to wait there, HAHAHAHA!
Ahh, forget it. There's plenty of other choices. You pick, Pizzza Hut or Mcdonalds?
NOW- 2012
Hey! You hear The Front Porch is closing down?
Were they ever really open at all?

 

by Straightshooter
9-04-12
IT FIGURES....
I have a complaint about my neighbor.
I have a brain tumor the size of a plum.
Well played.
Thank you.

 

by Straightshooter
9-15-12
Well, I'm here. You ready to go out to eat?.....YEEEECH, what is that SMELL?
That's my next door neighbors cooking rubber tires basted with garlic and toilet cleaner.
UGH! Now what is THAT smell?
That's the upstairs neighbor cooking dirty feet with parmesian cheese and a loaded baby's diaper.
You know, I'm not really hungry anymore....
Me either.

 

by Straightshooter
11-09-12
Well, even though Morehead voted for Romney, Barack Obama was re-elected President.
I'll bet you're real glad about that too, aren't you?
Whenever evil is vanquished, I consider it a great success!
Unless evil's plan all along was to be vanquished..... Ever think about that????
That wasn't your plan.
No.... it wasn't. Damn Romney. Why didn't he use that Latino accent like I told him to???

 

by Straightshooter
11-26-12
IT'S A WONDERFUL AD....
Ho, ho, ho! What would you like for Christmas, little one?
I don't understand. Haven't you seen my Amazon wish list? Don't you have a computer???
Santa doesn't work that way. He relies on the good little boys and girls to tell him what they'd like.
Well, I'm telling you I'd like you to to go to my list ....http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3SHU9GVN5SCWX/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_ws_8PZQqb15TQCBE
Kind of pushy, huh?
I know, right? Say, Santa, don't forget to check my list out at ...http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/QS590KBX2QBB/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_o_T1-1.....thanks

 

by Straightshooter
2-12-13
Hey. Is the manager here?
Nerp.
Hmm. It's 11:30 and her hours say 8-1
Yerp.
Well, I wanted to report my new neighbor for smoking dope with his friends last night. Can you tell her the next time you see her?
Burp.

 

by Straightshooter
4-23-13
Did you hear? Burger King now has delivery!
That's great! Oh, wait. Morehead doesn't have a Burger King.
Yeah, but there's one in Mt. Sterling.
That's 45 minutes away! You want to have BK delivered from THAT far away?
I say we try it!
Hmm. I do love their Chicken Sandwiches.....

 

by Straightshooter
6-28-13
Excuse me, my air conditioner isn't working.
That sucks. It's really hot out.
Yeah. I need you to fix it.
Maybe.
Maybe? I don't understand. You fix air conditioners, right?
If it isn't too hot and if I slept real good the night before and if it's somewhere near a really good meadow I can fall asleep in. Oh and if we don't have to bend or use our muscles or our mind, yes

 

by Straightshooter
7-05-13
You're back!
I never left.
Oh right. I forgot. God is everywhere. I'm sorry.
No, I mean I never left your apartment. Everytime I try to, there's some dude out there smoking and gawking at people.
I have the same problem. But, you're God. Don't you have the power to make him leave???
Oh my Me, you're right! I never thought of that!

 

by Straightshooter
7-26-13
Hi! I'm your new apartment manager. I'm here to inspect your/our home!
Ugh. I know. I've spent all week dusting light switches, cleaning the back of my mirror and several other obscure places no one would ever be concerned with, except this complex.
Looks good to me. Bye!
WAIT! Aren't you even going to come in? There might be a speck underneath the toilet or a stray piece of lint in the corner of the room I never use?? You know, the SERIOUS SHIT!!!!!
No white glove test. No microscope examination of my sponge for bacteria count. Just trust that I know what I'm doing.... . WHERE THE FUCK AM I AND HOW DID I GET HERE?

 

by Straightshooter
8-19-13
Can I help you??
Hi, I'm the new Morehead area representative. I'm just checking in to make sure you are completely uncomfortable with your living situation.
Yes, very much so.
Great! Also, we understand you have a new upstairs neighbor. Would you say that so far, they have added or subtracted to your overall misery here?
Added, definitely.
Excellent. I'll come back another random time to make sure you are still receiving optimum discomfort during your stay in Morehead. Thank yewwwww!

 

by Straightshooter
8-26-13
Season 5 Finale
Excuse me, can I get by. I'd like to go into my apartment.
Whoa thur feller. Don't yew want to sit outside and relate to some people?
Yeahhhhh, I have a cigarette hereeeeee for yew *COUGH COUGH* They are real gude *COUGH COUGH*
No thanks. I'd just like to go into my apartment if you don't mind.
To Be Continued.....
What's wrong with yewwwww? You thunk yer too gude fer us? Yew thunk we simple folk? Yew thunk we're too dumb to relate to yew?
Just tryin to get to my apartment.......

 

by Straightshooter
8-26-13
Season Finale- Conclusion
HEY! We are talkin to yew! Yew don't ignore us muthafucka!
I'm not trying to bother anyone, just let me be.
So, had enough yet? How long you been here now? Don't you think you should give in and start accepting your place among the rest of the lowlives here?
You won't win, you know. I own this place! You should know that by now! I'll break you eventually!!
But not today.

 

by Straightshooter
9-03-13
Wait a minute. What are you doing working in a fast food restuarant?
I'm not.
You're not? I'm standing in one and you're behind the counter.
Nope. Now it's an arcade, see?
TO BE CONTINUED!
What is happening???
I'm putting you in some of your favorite places as a way of softening the news that you're dead...

 

by Straightshooter
9-03-13
Continued...
Wait a minute. I'm DEAD???
Aren't you? I mean you haven't been doing anything for months. I figured they missed a pickup.
NO. I'm alive. I'm just depressed because there's really nothing I can do to improve my life.
Oh boy.....I'm so sick of listening to problems.
But you're God! You're supposed to care about the suffering and injustice in the world. You're supposed to be interested in healing people and helping them find their path!
Ehh, I'm kinda into guns and Miley Cyrus now..... 'It's our party and we can say what we want. It's our party and we can't stop' la la la.....

 

by Straightshooter
9-03-13
Who Says There Aren't Options in Morehead?
Hey! Wanna go to the comic store?
Which one, fat guy comic store or weird guy comic store?
Well, the fat guy one has things we like... but it's real small.
Yeah and the weird guy one is a lot bigger...but it has the weird guy.
Wanna go to the Chinese restaurant instead?
Rude woman Chinese restaurant or annoying woman Chinese restaurant?

 

by Straightshooter
9-10-13
Hail citizen! What is this Morehead Town Council meeting about?
We're trying to decide whether we should slow people down with a bump or a hump.
What's the difference?
Well, the bump can do some damage, but it would slow people down. The hump is easier, but ugly to look at.
How much do they cost here?
The bump would cost us a yearly fee to maintain it. The hump would only cost us a beer and a bottle of pills.

 

by Straightshooter
9-14-13
Good friends, better idiots...
BANG! BANG! BANG!...BANG! BANG! BANG! ... BANG! BANG! BANG!...BANG! BANG! BANG!... BANG! BANG! BANG!... BANG! BANG! BANG!... BANG! BANG! BANG!...BANG! BANG! BANG!...BANG! BANG! BANG!...BANG! BANG!
Who the HELL is banging on my door at 6:30 on a SATURDAY MORNING?!?!
Larisa Jones here?
Who?
Larisa Jones. She's my best friend.
Well, if she's your best friend, WHY DON'T YOU KNOW SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE?????

 

by Straightshooter
9-18-13
Hi, would you like to schedule a lease re-certification for me?
How about now?
I'm not here on Wednesday's.
But, it is Wednesday and you're here.
But that's only because I'm trying to re-certify tenants.
Then why can't you re-certify me now????

 

by Straightshooter
9-28-13
So what happened when you spoke to my neighbor about her noise?
I said, "Emily, you need to stop all the disturbances you're causing people and she replied, "Yessum".
That's all she said?
Yes. I told her to stop it all and she just said, "Yessum".
So, what's the deal with your neighbor?
Apparently, she's a slave with a time machine....

 

by Straightshooter
10-11-13
Shew, I hates peepul that talk sheet about me, you know?
Who are you?
So whut if I got three different guys takin' care of me? They are just jealous because they have to wait for a check every month!
Yeah, what do they know? They're only getting one handout. You're getting THREE! Bunch of losers.
Nobody can tell me I don't earn my munee!
Nope, hookin' ain't easy.....

 

by Straightshooter
10-15-13
I'm sorry Sir, I can't allow you into the library without your shit ape
What's a shit ape?
A shit ape is an unwanted intruder you don't know. They hang just inside your personal space, hearing everything you say and seeing everything you do.
But, I don't want some shit ape in my personal space, listening to what I say and watching everything I do.
I'm afraid there aren't too many places you can go in Morehead without some shit ape hanging around, Sir.
So it seems....

 

by Straightshooter
10-21-13
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
Do you like my costume?
Looks familiar.....
So does yours....
What's the big idea dressing like me?
What's the big idea dressing like ME??

 

by Straightshooter
12-19-13
Hello Santa! Do you have a gift for me?
I have gifts for all the people of Morehead! Now, let's see. Would you like a carton of Winston's, a bottle of Jack Daniels or a pair of used truck nuts?
Actually Santa, I'll pass on them all.
I don't understand. You live in Morehead, KY don't you? Surely one of these gifts appeals to you?
Don't you have any toys or clothes or books?
I have a Winston model race car, a Jack Daniels dew rag and a book on how to install truck nuts, but I'm guessing you'll probably pass on those too. Won't you, fancy man?

 

by Straightshooter
2-22-14
Hey buddy.
Hey man.
Why can't I ever be able to look anywhere around here without someone gawking back at me?
Hi!
Why can't I ever be able to look anywhere around here without someone gawking back at me???

 

by Straightshooter
2-26-14
Dinner for two (minutes)
So, I was saying to the....
EXCUSE ME, I'm just gonna take these empty cups away, THANNNKS!
I'M SORRRY, I have fix this table.
Right NOW? We're eating here!
Maybe we should go somewhere else?
YEAH, if you could just like, leave. That would make it easier to clean the place before it closes in three hours. THANNNKS!

 

by Straightshooter
3-19-14
I live in your building. I was wondering if you could stop smoking in your apartment? It's coming through the walls and filling my house with foul smelling smoke.
What's the problem? I've been living here with my son for years and he don't complain. Cephus? Come tell this guy your mommy ain't botherin nobody!
Hey buddy, what's the PROBLEM?
My God! She smokes around a baby???
Who you callin a baby, mister? I'm 37 years ole!

 

by Straightshooter
3-21-14
Can I hep yew?
Yes, the hamburger I ordered had hair in it.
What number meal was that?
The number seven.
Sir, the number seven doesn't come with hair. I'll have to charge you for a number eight. Would you like to add a soda with spit in it for a dollar more?
Can I add fries that were in someone's ass instead?

 

by Straightshooter
6-10-14
Hail citizen. Are you afraid that Kentucky will be the next target for a multiple shooting crime?
Alls I kno is I git my gun!
Do you think it might be time to get serious about gun control?
Alls I kno is I git my rights to defend my bear arms!
If you find yourself in a situation where you are threatened, what will you do?
Alls I know is I'd be gettin' the hell out of there!

 

by Straightshooter
6-17-14
The 16 hour work week should have been a clue...
There was a big fight here last night. The cops came.
That's terrible.
Yeah, I don't think your sending out flyers asking people to act right is really helping stop anything.
You're probably right.
You don't care, do you?
Not really, no.

 

by Straightshooter
8-14-14
Hush, Hush. Voices Carry....
BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY!
I don't know why I thought I could have the windows open....
BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY! BLABA BABY!
Guess I can't lay down either...
This is what it's come to...
blaba baby. blaba baby. blaba baby.

 

by Straightshooter
8-15-14
Mornin feller!
Hey....
I'd swear this is the same guy from this morning.
Hey again, feller. Fine afternoon, ain't it?
Ha! We keep bumpin' into each other. Have a good night, feller!
You've changed your look three times in one day! Who are you, Lady Gaga?

 

by Straightshooter
10-14-14
Hail citizen! What's happening?
Don't you know, buddy? Thursday night is Morehead Date Night on Main Street!
You mean the Main Street with the bank, the empty storefronts, the bakery that's never open and the tattoo parlor?
Sure do, buddy!
Makes sense. Morehead is all about not having anywhere to spend your money and getting hepatitis.
Ima takin' my gurl TWICE!

 

by Straightshooter
1-03-15
Who are you?
I'm Opposite You.
Aw Jeez, I figured I bypassed that feeling of regret people get around the holidays.
You know it takes a little longer for things to get to Morehead.
So, what's it going to be? Holograms of the roads not taken, followed by my inevitable future if I continue down the one I'm on?
Noooo. Haha. We don't do that anymore. It's just so hokey. Why would we ever.....well, yes, pretty much

 

by Straightshooter
1-03-15
Hold on Opposite Me. I'm not wasting my time having you show me all my mistakes and all the things I missed out on.
No?
I've done that enough. I don't need a manfestation of a life I didn't choose take me through them. For God's sake, you're not even good looking. How great could yours be?
Haha. Actually man, I'm just havin a little fun with ya. I was really just here to do the REAC inspection. I'll let that comment about my looks slide. See ya buddy!
And that's one to grow on!

 

by Straightshooter
2-15-15
It seems Morehead had no plan for this big snowstorm.
I'm not surprised.
It's going to take them forever to get rid of all this snow.
What's the big deal? There's nowhere to go anyway.
I never thought about it like that.
Well, you aren't very bright.

 

by Straightshooter
6-11-15
Hey, where are you going???
I'm off to see America's favorite game show, 'Scam the System'...
Interesting. What's it about?
Trashy people try to see how many other trashy can stay illegally in their home until they get thrown out.
Wow, where can I see that?
My apartment complex....

 

by Straightshooter
8-17-15
Hello Mayor, how are you today?
Well, Ima tryin to get a hotel built downtown.
Ohh, how are you doing that? Do you have a prospectus or study to offer developers?
Well, no. But I do have anecdotal evidence.
What anecdotal evidence do you have?
Well, one time I had a feller ask me if he could sleep outside the town hall. I reckon he coulda used a hotel.

 

by Straightshooter
8-25-15
Have you seen what's been happening in Morehead with this Kim Davis?
Yeah, I know. Here we go again. I wrote a lot of things in the Bible nobody ever talks about. I only added the gay stuff because the publisher said it would help draw the younger crowd.
Well, it's your own fault. You were caught up in your heavy, disassociated artist thing, being all ambiguous and shit. You should have just stuck with the commandments and left it at that.
Hey man, you were pretty over the top back in the day too. I mean, dying for other people's sins. Who does that?
Well, at least people understood what I was talking about.
How would you like a thunderbolt up your ass?

 

by Straightshooter
9-11-15
CHECKMATE
I'm sorry to hear that yet another neighbor is bothering you. I feel bad, because these people promise to be quiet when they apply and later, I find out they lied to me.
Well, you keep putting the same type of person above me. A young girl that is just beginning her life.
That's all there is on the list. What I'd like to do is move you to the apartment closer to the office. You'd be under Lee, who is hardly there.
Yeah, but that building always has people hanging outside in the breezeways, not to mention the basketball court right in front of the building!
Yes, but no one would be making noise above you.
No, just all around me. How is that better?

 

by Straightshooter
11-24-15
Ok, Thanksgiving dinner is in the oven. Do you want to watch a traditional, family themed movie?
Hell no. I want to see something sick and kind of scary!
I want to see something a little lighter than that.
Well, what are we gonna watch then??
IZOMBIE!!!
IZOMBIE!!!

 

by Straightshooter
3-11-16
Boy, things are going crazy around here. Even more than usual. Seems like every March is insane in Morehead!
Did someone call me?
Who are you?
I'm Dr. March N. Morehead. I couldn't help but overhear you mention how crazy things seem every March here in town. I'd like to show you something. Would you mind following me?
To be continued....
Let's see. Strange looking guy in a lab coat, who I just met wants me to follow him so he can show me something....That's reasonable, right?

 

by Straightshooter
3-11-16
Part 2
Well, here we are. This is where all the magic happens!
Ok, I know I agreed to let you 'show me something', but if it's what it's beginning to sound like, the only magic happening here will be me vanishing before your eyes.
You don't understand. This is my laboratory. This is where I've been conducting experiments on the townspeople for years! Decades of turning the month of March into utter fucking chaos for the city!
The Mystery Continues...
Are you crazy, is that your problem?
Let me prove it to you!

 

by Straightshooter
3-11-16
Conclusion
Alright, prove to me you're responsible for making March's in Morehead so chaotic....and how your name is March N Morehead?
Do you see that machine over there? It is designed to turn our personalities into a cloud of influence that hangs over the city every month.
I thought that was from all the cheap cigarettes... Who is WE?
Each member of my family takes a different turn each month. I'm a little unstable, so March tends to be chaotic. My sister, April is very emotional, that's why it usually rains and so on. Understand?
With March in Morehead, there are no straight answers...
So, all this time, the people of Morehead have been under your family's influence from month to month, displaying attitudes ranging from lunatic to criminal to lazy? That is totally impossible!
Hahaha, YOU'RE RIGHT! I was just fucking with you. Nothing like that is even remotely possible.....OR IS IT?

 

by Straightshooter
3-14-16
Hey, have you noticed how many people are coming in here just to use the bathroom? Is this a Social Security office or a public toilet?
I know. They just walk in, use it, then leave. Weird.
Look at that guy, he didn't even stop talking on the phone while he was in there!
You know, all this talk of the bathroom kinda makes me have to go now. Are we as bad as them?
Nahh, we were here before we had to go. It's a totally different situation.
Agreed.

 

by Straightshooter
3-15-16
Hail Citizen! How are you today?
Did you hear me? I asked you how you were today?
I heared you. Ima givin' you the Once Over. Yew kno, lookin you over, up and down like. Takin yew alll in..
I feel like this is sexual harrassment, just in real slow motion.
Naww. Yew kin do it to me if yew want.

 

by Straightshooter
5-18-16
Excuse me, could you tell me which building Radiology is in?
Surrre I can! You take a left, then a right, then another right, then a left, three lefts after and then a right before taking your last left before the right.
And that will get me to the Radiology building?
Nope, that'll get you to the feller that knows where it is!
Excuse me, I was told you know where the Radiology building was?
I shit myself today.

Showing page 4.

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