All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
5-17-05
I hate flying coach. Especially during holiday season.
Especially on a long flight. Especially on Aeroflot.
Especially when Gary Oldman is on board.

 

by kaufman
5-22-05
So, how was the trip to Charleston? And what happened to your face?
Oh, that? My wife smacked me. You see, we'd been driving for 9 hours, we were almost there, and she wanted to stop somewhere and use the bathroom.
That hardly seems grounds for assault ...
Yeah, well, it was pretty empty country; we didn't see any place good to stop, but then we drove past this building marked "U.S. Vegetable Research Laboratory."
Don't say it ... Don't say it!
So I said to her, "Look, we can stop here and you can take a leek ..."

 

by kaufman
5-24-05
Welcome to Multiple-Choice Deli, what would you like today?
I'd like a "B" on pumpernickel please.
Welcome to Multiple-Choice Deli, what would you like today?
"C," please, Hold the mayo, and extra lettuce.
Welcome to Multiple-Choice Deli, what would you like today?
"D," plain! "D," plain!

 

by kaufman
5-24-05
Look at that! That house fell out of the sky!
Aren't those feet sticking out from it?
Hey, yeah. It must have landed on the Wicked Witch. We're free!
Tell you what. Let's grab her shoes.
Her shoes? What for?
Haven't you always wanted to try kayaking? Now's our chance!

 

by kaufman
5-24-05
Gidget the Midget fidgets.
Lee the Wee wants to pee
Uh, can somebody in here give me a lift?
Xnk'thalenj the Vertically Challenged salenged.
Did I tell you I finished "Catcher in the Rye"?

 

What can I show you today?
I want to buy the most expensive car on this lot. At last the Joneses will have to keep up with ME!
by kaufman, 6-01-05

 
by kaufman, 6-02-05

 

by kaufman
6-02-05
... But I think the biggest act of genius was code-naming the secret inside source after the most controversial and discussed movie of its era.
Meanwhile, in a nearby parking garage ...
I'm listening. Do you have the inside dirt on the Bush administration?
Yeah, but if you insist on calling me "Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith," I ain't saying a word.

 

by kaufman
6-03-05
WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!
What's that?
WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOOF!
Timmy fell down the gravity well?

 

by kaufman
6-03-05
So I said to her, "Let's do 9.85714285714..."
But after that second four, she got this really weird, greenish look on her face and ran out the door.
Is it that kinky to want to do 69 in doggy style?

 

by kaufman
6-06-05
It's your turn, Susie. Tell the class about your favorite toys.
My favorite toys are my dollies.
That's very nice. What kind of dolls do you have?
Well, I have a Barbie doll and a Ken doll and a Chrissy doll, but my favoritest doll is my Virgin Mary doll.
That one must be very special! Tell us why you like it best.
Because unlike the others, there's a chance that this one is anatomically correct.

 

by kaufman
6-07-05
King Solomon was the wisest man to have ever lived.
Your Majesty, the baby is MINE!
That's not true, Sire. It's MY BABY!
There's only one way to resolve this dispute. Each of you will get half the baby. But how to divide it fairly?
It's easy to saw at the waist, but the two parts will be unequal. Dividing left and right, one side, probably the right will be stronger. Front/back? Inside and outside?
AHA! I've got it. Henry, fetch me the Royal Cuisinart!

 
by kaufman, 6-08-05

 
by kaufman, 6-08-05

 

by kaufman
6-09-05
Can somebody help? This package needs to go to our Sydney office, and it needs to be there by 5.
Thanks, buddy, you're a life saver.
Man O'War.

 

by kaufman
6-09-05
Good evening, and welcome to FOX news. Our top story: Divers continue to search off the coast of Aruba for 18-year-old Natalee Holloway, who disappeared last week.
In other news, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy was spotted within 2000 miles of Aruba yesterday.
That's Disturbing.

 

by kaufman
6-13-05
Today's my special day.
How come?
I was born exactly six years ago today.
What a coincidence. The first Toiletron 10285 was manufactured six years ago today too.
Happy b'day!
Happy bidet!

 

by kaufman
6-13-05
See, I told you a Penguin beats a Royal Flush.
Damn.

 

by kaufman
6-13-05
Ding dong.
Yes?
I AM HERE FOR YOUR SOUL!
Hang on. I've got James Brown from the Apollo and the Marvin Gaye anthology. Will that do?
SURE!

 

by kaufman
6-14-05
What a miscarriage of justice! I can't believe they let Michael Jackson off.
The justice system has sure gone down the toilet. I bet he'd have been convicted on all ten counts in your day, eh, old timer?
Actually no, I reckon we wouldn't have convicted him either.
We'da had him lynched long before the case got near to going to trial.

 

by kaufman
6-16-05
Controversy abounds over a large business wanting to move in to a Gettysburg address. Who better to fill us in than former president Abraham Lincoln?
That's right, Jill. Proponents of the project point out how it will generate hundreds of jobs for the people of South-Central Penmsylvania and Northern Maryland.
Critics, however, say that these would be low-level jobs, with all the benefits going to outsiders, and that this project would actually destroy many small, locally owned businesses.
There is also the issue of bringing in from miles around a clientele viewed as less-than-desirable, 24 hours, 7 days a week, so close to what many regard as hallowed ground.
I saw your report last night. You were talking about a Wal-Mart, weren't you?
Actually, it was a casino, but I can see the confusion. Plus, if the casino gets nixed, who's more likely to move into that land than the Walton Gang?

 

by kaufman
6-17-05
A new superhero has arrived.
Help! Help! My boy's lying at the bottom of the pool!
Fear not, poor damsel. Although I am just a cable repair man, I will be able to dive in and rescue your son.
Comcast has trained me in CPR, so I will be able to keep the boy alive until the paramedics can arrive.
Now what I'll need is for him to stay at the bottom of the pool, and I'll come and rescue him sometime between 10 AM and 4:30 PM on Friday.

 

by kaufman
6-20-05
According to my calculations, we've made it to the top of Mount Everest!
Outstanding! Now let's go up that ridge over there. The view ought to be even better from that height.
Damn.

 

by kaufman
6-21-05
Hello, 911! I just stepped into the kitchen for a moment, and when I came back, my baby was gone. SOMEBODY STOLE MY CHILD!
Relax, ma'am. We have an excellent recovery rate. We'll have a forensics engineer over shortly to collect samples, and your child will be tracked down in no time.
We know exactly which stripper abducted your child. See how the DNA sample taken from the playpen matches exactly the residue on "A comic for Ethiopians"?
You mean ...
Go ahead, say it.
MANDINGO STOLE MY BABY?!?!

 

Isn't Herman's Hermits an oxyomoron? I mean, if there's more than one together, they're not hermits. Shouldn't they be a solo act called Herman's Hermit?
by kaufman, 6-22-05

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
Honey, I see you bought 15 issues of People magazine today. You mind telling me why?
Don't tell me you forgot about the big dinner party we're hosting on Saturday night?
What about it?
I decided to cook soylent green.
Whew. For a moment I was afraid you'd gotten hung up on that Tom and Katie thing.

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
The best ideas often come in the dead of night as you're drifting off to sleep.
A series where the hero puts on these awful green rubber boots, but he can't get them off, so he has to wear them in all the most inappropriate situations. The slapstick'll get more and more absurd.
This could really work. Let me write down a few notes so I don't forget.
*click*
Green Rubber Boots.

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
Get to work. I need the Pittsburgh papers packed promptly, and the Philly files faxed by four.
Right away, sir.
What a day. At last I can have dinner, log on to stripcreator, and ... wait a minute! I had a great idea for a comic. What was it? WHAT WAS IT?
GREEN RUBBER BOOTS? What is that supposed to mean?

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
Google for "Green rubber boots." Oh good, Lots of hits. I'm sure one of these will jog my memory.
Hunting polar bears? Not what I was looking for ... Surviving cancer? Interesting, but no ...
Oh my god, those pictures of that guy in his waders! OH MY EYES! MAKE IT STOP!

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
Ok, deep breath, relax. You thought of it before in this state, you can again. Green rubber boots. Why? Rubber bounces. Bounces high ...
Maybe he uses those boots to defy gravity. A superhero who can fly thanks to his special boots. YES! This might work. I need to write something down so I can remember tomorrow.
*click*
Defy gravity ... Boots.

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
Get to work. I need the Tampa texts typed today and the Miami missives mailed by Monday.
I know, I know, and the Xenia x-rays xeroxed by Xmas.
What a day. At last I can have dinner, log on to stripcreator, and ... OH NO, NOT AGAIN!
DEFY GRAVITY! BOOTS? What do they have to do with anything?

 

by kaufman
6-23-05
All right, think. Defying gravity. How is that possible? And what about the boots? Somebody must be wearing them. But why? What is the significance?
Wait a minute, now it's all coming together. This just might work. YES! I've got it! Let me write that down.
*clickety-clack*
Screw that. I don't care if it's 3 AM. I'm typing this comic in now, when I can still remember it!

 

by kaufman
6-27-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
Then I guess removing the goebbels from my rectum is out of the question.

 

by kaufman
6-27-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
So ... why are you telling me now?
Your mustache is starting to show, honey. It's time you learned to shave.

 

by kaufman
6-27-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
Well, I guess that explains why Jenny Chamberlain gave me her bike yesterday.

 

by kaufman
6-29-05
Your Majesty, the executioner's about to chop off the head of that dog! How can you let that take place? Your heart's not that empty, eh?
Let it be duly noted that that cur urinated in my metal forest. He defiled my finest stannous birch. For that, he must die.
Later...
Because he peed on the King's tin tree.
Oh.

 

by kaufman
6-29-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
Well, at least we'll always have Paris.
Ja, mein Fraulein!

 

by kaufman
6-29-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.
So that's the pilot. Can I count on you to buy in for a 50% share of "Suburban Hitlers"?
Tell you what. If you play "the cheerleader and the naughty janitor" with me, I'll go in for 70%.

 

This is great! I always wanted to know how to say "my precioussss" in Russian.
by kaufman, 6-30-05

 

by kaufman
7-01-05
Hey buddy, I've got a question.
Why am I doing this?
No, that I understand perfectly. What I want to know is, what do you use to keep those bolts from falling out of your head?
Nuts.
Ah, thanks.

 

by kaufman
7-04-05
It's twelve o'clock. Does anyone know what's happening right now?
My mommy's at home fucking the mailman.
Ms. Taylor tells me you used a horrible word in class. I don't want to hear it from your lips again, and if I do, it will be daily detention for you. Do I make myself clear?
Yes, Principal Livingston. I understand.
The next day ...
It's twelve o'clock. Does anyone know what's happening right now?
My mommy's at home fucking the letter carrier.

 

by kaufman
7-05-05
Let's begin with a few simple questions. Why did you decide to see me?
I think the main thing, Doctor, is that I find myself spending more and more time thinking about how much I really HATE Tom Cruise.
I see. And you realize that this obsession with Tom Cruise is creeping unhealthily into your daily activities, and you seek help in learning to control it.
Oh no, no, that's not it at all.
I just know how much it would piss him off if he knew I was seeing a psychiatrist.

 

by kaufman
7-06-05
Care to buy this goody bag? It's got 20 grams of nitrogen, 7 grams of oxygen, and a few assorted other things inside -- CO2, water vapor, you name it!
Sounds great. I'll buy one bag for me and one for the missus.
Fluffy, look what I bought for u...HEY!
My god, Tiger, is that you? What just happened to you?
I guess it's true what they say when they say you are what you buy. And don't forget, they also say that two airs is human.

 

by kaufman
7-14-05
*************** RUBBER HUT ****************
Hello, How can I help you today?
I'd like to buy fifteen pounds of rubber.
*************** RUBBER HUT ****************
Fifteen pounds? We don't have that much. You think rubber grows on trees or something?
*************** RUBBER HUT ****************

 

by kaufman
7-16-05
OH my god, my son. Look at you, what happened to you?
I don't know, Giapetto, my nose has just shriveled up in the past week.
How come? Have you been doing anything out of the ordinary?
Can't say I have. You know I just read all the comics on stripcreator out loud, which usually takes all day, Come to think of it, it's been quicker since kaufman cut back.
Aha, I think I know what the problem is, Punocchio,
Well, tell me. Till I get my nose back, I'm all ears.

 

by kaufman
7-17-05
* Go to that URL to see what all the spoken words mean.
I'm selling some animals that were attracted by my wife by making noises they found utterly irresistable.
Do you sell donkeys?
Only on Tuesdays.
It's obvious your wife will love this burro.

 

by kaufman
7-18-05
I could explain to you about chemical reactions of hydrocarbons to lunchmeat, but a lady of the evening like you really shouldn't fake physical agony.
And just what is that supposed to mean?
Your propane is bologna.
She banished me to this island for punning. And you?
For rebroadcasting, retransmitting or other use of the pictures, descriptions and accounts of the game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

 

by kaufman
8-01-05
Yo, Danny, check it out.
It's me, your buddy Jack. I'm just back from a month at John Cougar Melanincamp, and look at me. I'm now as black as you are!
I guess you can't call me a fuckin' honky any more. Whatcha gotta say to that, my man?
Go away, you fuckin' n00ger!

 
by kaufman, 8-01-05

 

It was umfumdisi's idea.
by kaufman, 8-01-05

Showing page 45.

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