All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
9-19-05
Guess what? I just traded a Natalee Holloway card and a Jennifer Wilbanks for a Chandra Levy. Know what that means?
I've finally completed my set of Topps Young White Women who Mysteriously Disappear, Causing Months of Undue Media Frenzy trading car...
Damn.

 

by kaufman
9-21-05
You the owner of this place?
Yes, I am. What can I do for you?
Oh, nothing. I just wanted to tell you this has to be the best sports bar I've ever been in.
Why, thank you.
I mean, look at that! I've never seen such a large collection of Lady Byng trophies. How'd you get them all?
Oh, you know. A mugging here, extortion there, soon it adds up.

 

by kaufman
9-24-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Don't laugh. It's more coherent than his previous Iraq policy.

 

by kaufman
9-24-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
A bit of a case of closing the barn door after the horses ran out, ain't it?

 

by kaufman
9-24-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
o/` She's been married seven times before, and every one was an 'En-er-y, She wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam, no Sam!
Did you hear me? no more jerkin' for 40 days. That's 960 hours. 57,600 minutes. Or 3,456,000 seconds.
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Hen-er-y, Henry the Eighth I am!
YOU WIN! Now just quit playing that damned song already!!!
3,793rd verse, same as the 3,792nd! I'm 'Enry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eighth, I am, I am! ...

 

by kaufman
9-25-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!
Does that mean you don't want me poking you in the butt any more either?
No, of course not, Pokey. It's in your nature. It's the way you are. I'd never do that to you.
Why thanks, Gumby. I really appreciate that.
Gumby, I have a sneaking feeling this episode is never going to be aired.

 

by kaufman
9-25-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!
Look, I'm a tough planet. These air raids don't bother me.
But I just can't stand the feel of dandruff. Cut that out already!

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Or at least until this place opens up, someone finds me, and they scrape the dried spooge off, so I can go home.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
You hear me?
Really, I'm sorry, Mr. Gates. Just put things back the way they was.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
That must be what I'm being punished for. Why else would I have my insides taken out, and a burning candle placed inside me?
Not to mention having my eyes and mouth gouged out with a sharp ivory object.
Tusk, tusk, tusk.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
This was so embarrassing.
You're embarrassed?
Who, after all, yanked hard on it, put it over his nose and mouth, and continued to breathe normally?

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Ha! I'll do you one better. 41!
Oh yeah? 42! You hear me? 42.
That won't take you very far. I'm going 43.
Later ...
You may think you've won, but you haven't. I'll go 65 googolplex and two days without jerkin' my yerkin!
Fine. You have fun doing that. I'm heading off for some good jerkin' now.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
And I'm going to go a whole month without eating live babies.
From now on, I'm never going to roll in my own shit, while singing "Tiny Bubbles" on a Tuesday.
No more trussing Johnny up beneath the elephant's tail.
So ... What do you think? Do we get the job?
If you decide so, give us a call. We're the Anti-Aristocrats.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
You think that will make you strong enough? You're still no match for the Gorn, human!
Oh no, It isn't that, It's just that I shouldn't have used the transporter device to pleasure myself ... Scotty, is it fixed yet?
Oh no, Cap'n. Spock is using it for his pon farr, but he says he should be done in an hour. I kinna say no to the first officer, after all.
Oh crap, guess I'm going to have to go invent gunpowder or something.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Aw, what the firkin, no more shirkin'. It's sirkenly time to get to workin'. Think I'll go cirkin' a little turkin.
Birken, birken, birken.
On sirken thought, I think I'll have that lurkin' smirkin' chirken instead!

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
What did you say?
Forget it, bud.
If you missed it the first time, I sure as hell ain't giving you my password.

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Whoosh, fooom, zlodp, wave, bang!
And to celebrate, I think I'm going to make me a half dozen waffles. What do you think about that?
Flip, rub, clap, snorgl, snap, clonggg.
Oh, thank goodness he shut up for a moment. Why'd I ever take on this job as a sign language interpreter anyway?

 

by kaufman
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Do you think it will help?
I hope so. Got any better ideas?
No, I guess not. But I can't imagine he'd forget us. He's not that kind of guy. He'll come back and take care of us.
That's not the problem. Look at the background. When he does paint us, it's likely to be chartreuse.
You're wrong about the chartreuse. I've got $5 that says it'll be magenta.

 

by kaufman
9-27-05
                             
                                

 

by kaufman
9-27-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Yeah, real hard, now that I've chopped off your back end.
Oh yeah? You'll see! Give me a second. Watch this.
What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?
Of course not. The author isn't allowed to use the splat prop.
Stupid rules.

 

by kaufman
9-27-05
Crawford TX, a few weeks ago
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Listen to Cindy, Mr. President. She's got America's conscience.
It worked. We'll be on every national tv network. We can make a difference!
Now that that's over, could you do me a favor?
Sure, What is it?
Show me your tits?

 

by kaufman
9-27-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
And I will no longer eat beef.
I will love you to the end of days, till I am put out to pasteurization.
And I will treat you for heifer with courtesy and graze.
If there is any objection to the joining of this couple in holy mootrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

 

by kaufman
9-27-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Let me guess.
You forgot about that "don't ask, don't tell" rule.
Didn't you, Sanders?

 

by kaufman
9-28-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Oh yeah, captain can pull his pud because there ain't no icebergs this side of Quebec.
Come on, are you going to help me plug this leak, or what?
I don't have to. I'm king of the world! BWA-HA-HA!
You are? What do you want me to do, your majesty?
Lock up all of the wabbits in steerage.

 

That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
But 40 days from now, won't it be too decomposed to jerk anymore?
by kaufman, 9-28-05

 

by kaufman
9-28-05
Other people count "1 Mississippi, 2 Mi
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
ssissippi" when playing Hide and Seek
That's IT! I'm going 41 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
... But not Tobor
That's IT! I'm going 42 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!

 

by kaufman
9-28-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Excuse me! Can anyone here help with this, um, tennis elbow?
Push it like a laver and it should budge. And then have a meal fit for a king -- a bowl of lendl soup, and I hear the caviar chef is makin' roe.
Sounds good, but hold the cheese. I'm no havarti lover.
Boy, did he evert stretch on that one?

 

by kaufman
9-29-05
Now that the season's coming to an end, how'd you do in your fantasy league?
Not bad. I think I've clinched 3rd place.
But I'm very confident about next season. I've got my eye on a rookie catcher that I'm sure will score big time.
Oh, really? Who is it?
Kid by the name of Tom DeLay.

 

by kaufman
9-30-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Don't be frightened. I'm glad I didn't stop.
But look how much further you decomposed.
Look, enjoy it for a few more centuries. Then when you get like me ...
... You can always decide to quit while you're a head.

 

by kaufman
10-03-05
Let's be honest. I could woo you with that old National Lampoon "If flickguy doesn't pick me, this cat gets it" bit. But you'd probably like that.
And I could pun every synonym of "choose" and every synonym of "me" listed in Roget's Thesaurus.
Or, since my bonus points are going to charity, I could show you cherubic faces of soggy New Orleans children.
But instead I thought I'd let my comics speak for tthemselves. Here's a random panel from a random comic of mine. How can you not vote me now?

 

by kaufman
10-04-05
I wanted to campaign for kaufman because he never goes for the cheap laugh. You'll never see anything even halfway lame in his comics.
Excuse me, coming through.
Take me now, Lord.

 

by kaufman
10-04-05
There is a complete breakdown of government ethical standards. We have leaks of the identity of CIA operatives, ...
Bill Frist apparently committing insider trading, andTom DeLay charged with money laundering. What do you say to that, Dr. Bennett?
Well, I think it's clear that if we were to abort every Republican baby, the crime rate would plummet.

 

by kaufman
10-04-05
Kaufman's comics no sucky-sucky!
So I says, "Well, them other strippers ain't gonna generate CC 300 by themselves."
Wehn kaufman runs a contset, he nales the fuckin bitch!
As kaufman once told me, "Blessed is the me, for the me shall inherit CC 300."
If he doesn't win, I'll cry. And scream. And accuse all you strippers of bad touch.
And I'll take my ball and go home.

 

by kaufman
10-05-05
How goes it in your duchy?
Not well. The forests are in unrest. Every oak and birch trembles in fear that Attila's armies will rampage through and destroy the forest. How are things in yours?
It is horrible. Our towns are plagued with tubercular street performers, who have caused the populace to refuse to leave their houses.
Sorry to hear that. But prithee, I still think we've got it worse.
And I don't see it that way ... Tell you what, why don't we trade maladies?
The deal is sealed. Let the news of the trade ring forth throughout the Empire: COUGH MIMES FOR TREE HUN DREAD!

 

by kaufman
10-06-05
Hey, Amanora, why the long face?
You know that hot flatworm that I've been humping the last few months? Turns out the human upstairs has been boinking her too.
I didn't think you minded her sleeping around, as long as you got yours.
I don't, but I just found out she'd burrowed into a corned beef sandwich yesterday, and was accidentally eaten for lunch. Guess that proves the best laid planaria of mice and men often go in rye.
OK, that was just wrong!

 

by kaufman
10-06-05
Is it true you knew Jackie Onassis?
Yes, we met at an Easter parade in a downpour, but after the rain was over, the rainbow was beautiful. Afterwards, she would sometimes meet me in St. Louis.
What was she like?
Well, she was half-breed Greek by marriage, so she was a bit of a dark lady. And whenever she ate bacon, she'd always say "I got you, Babe."
Others found her a bit aloof. Not you?
People can say what they want, I think they were ever green with envy, but that's the way we were. She was really a funny girl, if you ask me. She could make me cloud up with laughter on a clear day.

 

by kaufman
10-09-05
That much for two gallons of gas?

 

by kaufman
10-09-05
Thanks a lot, Jesus. I'll tell all my friends what an outstanding carpenter you are.
I have 16 piercings. And you?
185.

 

by kaufman
10-11-05

 

by kaufman
10-11-05
Darn it, Pocahontas, why'd you have to choose the boat that capsizes so easily?

 

by kaufman
10-12-05
LOOK UPON THESE WORKS YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR!
Wot? The curtains?

 

by kaufman
10-12-05
Git along, little dogies!
I'm going to mosey on over to Pebble Beach. I heard The Real Killers might be there.
This has got to be the worst rodeo ever.
No kidding. Three minutes, and that bronco hasn't even left the gate!

 

That's what you get for loaf-and-fishing me, asshole.
by kaufman, 10-12-05

 

by kaufman
10-14-05
I just bought myself a baseball team.
Oh yeah, who's on first?
Who?

 

by kaufman
10-14-05
I don't think you're good enough for Lorraine. Why don't you just go home and leave her alone.
Why, you filthy little bloodsuc...
POW!
Lorraine, I'd like to see you tonight. Mind if I come over?
Ok, but you'll need to sneak around the back. My maternal tick is clocking.

 

by kaufman
10-14-05
Tell me the truth. Am I that unfunny?
What do you mean? Doesn't that ***** rating speak for itself?
Beats me. But now that Brad's split up the top-rated page, you'd think I might eke something onto page 1.
But I don't. Nor are any of my 2000+ comics on page 2, or page 3, or any of the first TEN toprated pages. Volume and Mediocrity be my middle name!
Hey Brad, you mind changing my user name to Wal-Mart?

 

by kaufman
10-16-05
I thought you were going to be at the ballgame tonight.
I was, but I got kicked out of the stadium.
You see, I'd brought a bottle of wine with me, but when I opened it, out flew ...
So you were ejected for having a corked bat.
Exactly.

 

by kaufman
10-16-05
12:33 PM
12:36 PM
Excuse me, Waiter?
12:37 PM
Ever since you brought me my sandwich, every three minutes my roll has been shooting forth a stream of water.
Of course it has. That's an Old Faithful kaiser.

 

by kaufman
10-16-05
Kaufman, is that you?
Dammit, how could you tell?

 

by kaufman
10-17-05
With the new release of Windows, say goodbye to the Blue Screen of Death forever.
I'LL BE BACK.
No more annoying       With Windows paper clip pop-ups       fucks up, your
It looks like you want to drive a steel spike through your head.
Eat hydrogen, sucker!
3D, any time the operating system computer will just spit at you!

Showing page 47.

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