All comics by Externalization

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by Externalization
5-15-06
Pardon me, sir. Could I trouble you for a moment of your time to discuss something that could change your life?
Thanks, but I`m not in the market for a new religion, I don`t need a pill to get an erection, and I`m already an outstanding member of several reputable pyramid schemes.
Ah, but this pertains to your health, sir. What could be more important than that?
Sorry, not interested.
Are you tired of feeling as though you`re anally giving birth to a rusty saw blade every time you take a shit?
Okay, I wouldn`t miss this for all the depleted uranium in Iraq.

 

by Externalization
5-15-06
This book I`ve written illustrates the connections between fiber and obesity.
Ah, so it`s salads and grains that make people fat now, right?
Exactly! Fiber-rich foods contain ten to twenty times as much carbohydrates as they do fiber.
You do know what happened to Dr. Atkins as a result of the diet he invented, right?
Well, you can`t spell "diet" without "die."
Kind of like how you can`t spell "your crackpot theory" without "Eat crotch, porky?"

 

by Externalization
5-15-06
So all your health guidelines are collected in this one volume?
I like to think of it as my second Bible.
Oh, I could just devour a book like this.
No! It`s not to be taken internally, as the book itself contains fiber.
What, the publishing company wouldn`t just let you carve your guidelines in stone?
This is a very dark age we`re living in.

 

by Externalization
5-15-06
For just $19.95, you can learn how fiber and water are addictive substances which harm the body.
So if I feel the need for roughage in my diet, I should eat more marsupial pubes or something?
Mock me if you want, but I`ll ask you this: What happened the last time you over indulged in fiber-rich food?
I ended up taking a shit roughly equivalent to my own body mass.
And then what happened?
It tried to sell me some book for $19.95.

 

by Externalization
6-06-06
Some Christian women who were due to give birth today had opted to artificially induce labor early, so as to avoid giving birth to the Anti-Christ.
But side effects of the drugs used to induce labor can include placental abruption or uterine rupture.
Both of which deprive the unborn baby of oxygen and nutrients.
That could result in the baby being born mentally retarded.
And you silly Darwinists still believe that acquired traits aren't hereditary?

 

by Externalization
6-12-06
Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, as the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, you've been responsible for the deaths of thousands of people.
Go ahead and execute me. It won't do you any good. I've already died at least five times from gunshot wounds, missile attacks, even a suicide bombing. I'll live a million years!
This court sentences you to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
I need to invoke the escape clause.
Funny thing... you look like a man having a heart attack... just like a man having a heart attack.

 

by Externalization
6-16-06
Massa's walking me through the fields later, and you know I'll be getting some of that hot steamy action again.
Sorry, stud, but I don't think rolling around in the feces of the female animals counts as "getting some."
What would you know, pussy? I'm a major player in the doggy-style scene. I've got sexual prowess awards up the ass!
What?

 

by Externalization
7-03-06
Every July 4th, a crowd gathers in Brooklyn to honor the ideals of freedom and democracy by holding a contest to see who can shove the most hot dogs down their throat.
The winner receives a "year's supply" of those hot dogs.
The world record is currently held by Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi, who ate 53½ in 12 minutes.
At that rate, he should have won 2,343,300 hot dogs.
Wow, that would be enough to feed all of the city's homeless for days!
But that one act of communism would defeat the whole purpose of the holiday.

 

by Externalization
8-11-06
Okay, I've removed my clothing and disposed of all my worldly possessions. Now may I board my flight?
I'm sorry, sir, but we no longer allow liquids or gels of any kind on planes. It's for your own protection.
What do you mean? I'm not carrying anything!
According to our anti-privacy sensors, your testicles are full of semen right now. I have no choice but to arrest you and detain you indefinitely.
Damn, I knew I should have pulled one out on my way to the security gate.
You're obviously a terrorist, otherwise your balls would have disappeared the moment the terror alert was raised to red.

 

by Externalization
8-31-06
You're always thinking about sex.
That's not true.
I'm usually thinking about babies being eaten alive by dogs.
But yeah, the rest of the time I'm thinking about sex.

 

by Externalization
9-06-06
I'm here with a representative of NORAD to explain an annual publicity stunt taxpayers have been financing the past 50 years.
Through the use of radar, satellites and jet fighter aircraft, we're able to track all of Santa Clause's Christmas Eve activity and report it to the children.
For Santa to get his job done, he'd have to travel 150 times the speed of the world's fastest jet. You keep track of him the whole 24 hours?
Of course. This is the same network we use to monitor the airspace above America. We know everything that's going on up there at all times.
Yet a handful of terrorists were able to elude you in hijacked commercial airliners for two hours on 09/11/01?
Erm... Osama obviously has a more powerful breed of magic Elves working for him then Santa.

 

by Externalization
9-10-06
♫ Long as I remember, the lies been coming down. Agitpropists pouring convolution on the ground. ♫
♫ War hawk opportunists blame it on Hussein. And I wonder, still I wonder, who crashed the planes? ♫
♫ Arlington Virginia, no plane debris at all. Caught up in the fable, we watched the towers fall. ♫
♫ Dubya signed a New Deal, wrapped us all in chains. And I wonder, still I wonder, who crashed the planes? ♫
♫ Heard the media lying, how they cheered for war. Profiteering oil men trying to get more. ♫
♫ Still the lies kept pouring, tightening their reins. And I wonder, still I wonder, who crashed the planes? ♫

 

by Externalization
9-20-06
Okay, Reed, you shot the Hulk out into space like I told you, right?
Yeah, he sure is going to be be pissed at us if he ever comes back...
And our mentally unstable Thor clone is out there hunting down and killing Captain America's Secret Avengers, right?
Come to think of it, might the real Thor be offended if he finds out we stole his DNA to use his powers to try to kill his best friend?
Once this tape of us gang-banging Galactus's mother hits the internet, we'll be the most famous superheroes in the world!
Um, Tony, exactly how long has it been since your last AA meeting?

 

by Externalization
9-21-06
So let me get this straight...
A scientist injects beta-amyloid into a mouse's brain to give it Alzheimer's, and it's legitimate research...
...but I inject my own sticky protein goo into a mouse's brain, and I'm some kind of pervert?

 

by Externalization
11-08-06
Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death.
Well... one of the "Saddam Husseins," anyway.
In a related story, the actor who plays Osama bin Laden has signed on to appear in Tupac's newest video, premiering in 2007.

 

by Externalization
11-21-06
WHAT, THEY'RE GOING TO ARREST ME FOR CALLING A BLACK MAN A NIGGER?
Of course not, Mr. Richards. It's 2006 and this is Hollywood.
You only wish you could get arrested today.

 

I'm outraged by Michael Richards' racially-charged outburst. I think we should boycott him.
Unless you share an apartment with Michael Richards, haven't you technically been boycotting him since Seinfeld ended anyway?
by Externalization, 11-21-06

 

by Externalization
11-21-06
O.J. Simpson, could you explain the premise of your book "If I Did It?"
We all know I didn't kill my wife, but if I had, this book would explain exactly how I did it, from my point of view as the murderer.
But News Corp. has cancelled both your book deal and your scheduled television special. What a tragedy, eh?
That's okay. I've already found another lucrative medium to market "If I Did It" in.
Cool, I slashed her whole head off! Bonus points!
Kickass! Now on to the Bronco chase scene!

 

by Externalization
2-13-07
*unzip*
*piss*
Make the smart choice tonight. Don't drink and drive.
Ah, Corona. We have more in common than I realized.

 

by Externalization
2-13-07
Hey there, big guy. Having a few drinks?
That's why I'm here.
Listen up. Think that you've had a few too many?
I must have, 'cause you're starting to look really good to me right about now.
Another Saturday night and once again I've scored with the hottest guy in the place.
Damn, you must get more ass than Lindsay Lohan!

 

by Externalization
2-27-07
Last Sunday, Al Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth" won the Oscar for Best Documentary.
Today the Supreme Court has ruled 5-4 in favor of giving the award to George Bush instead.

 

by Externalization
2-27-07
Another scorcher today. It just keeps getting hotter every year.
Yeah, that's why the world's seeing such catastrophic increases in hurricanes, costal flooding, and other natural disasters.
So I guess we're just going to sit back and watch as it reaches crises proportions, huh?
Well, the weather is just like American imperialism.
Everyone complains, but no one does anything about it.

 

by Externalization
2-28-07
The Taliban have claimed credit for a suicide bombing at a US military base in Afghanistan which was being visited by Vice President Cheney today.
Cheney was not harmed in the attack which left 23 dead and 20 more wounded.
Apparently, America's Dick was too small a target for the terrorists to find.

 

by Externalization
4-04-07
The British sailors who were seized 13 days ago after allegedly intruding into Iranian territorial waters have been pardoned and released.
Iranian president Ahmadinejad's decision followed a letter from the British government to Iranian officials including a promise not to repeat such actions.
Blair confirmed that a letter was sent to the Iranian government, but declined to give details of it's contents and denied that the sailors had violated Iranian territory.
Then he threw Ahmadinejad down a well and screamed "THIS IS SPARTA!"

 

by Externalization
4-12-07
♫ Five bears in the bed and the little one said... ♫
I'm crowded. Roll over.
♫ So they all rolled over and one fell out, four bears in the bed and the little one said... ♫
I'm crowded. Roll over.
♫ So they all rolled over and one fell out, three bears in the bed and the little one said... ♫
I'm horny.

 

by Externalization
5-12-07
I really like that Barack Obama. He's so articulate.
What, does it surprise you to see an educated black man? We aren't all from the ghetto, you know.
Hey, calm down! I was only comparing him to our current president.
Oh, sorry. I guess I kind of jumped the gun there. Yeah, Bush isn't exactly a great speaker...
You know what else I find comforting about Obama? He doesn't at all resemble a monkey.

 

by Externalization
8-08-07
So should we even bother going to see that Simpsons movie?
Nah, why pay to see it now?
Just give it a week or two and we can hear all the same jokes for free on Family Guy.

 

by Externalization
2-09-08
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A little old lady who's elated to fellate kangaroos.
A little old lady who's elated to fellate kangaroos who?
I love the way you yodel in the canyon.

 

by Externalization
4-12-08
In many cultures, it's believed that uropathy can help to treat wounds, stimulate blood circulation, immunize against allergies, and even cure cancer.
Not that I'd ever drink pee, of course.
Not unless it came down to that or Mountain Dew.

 

by Externalization
4-29-08
Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed walk into a bar...
...and Buddha giggles his nuts off at their clumsiness.
I don't think she got it.

 

by Externalization
4-29-08
What has 1,000 legs and can't walk?
The last 500 Americans to return from Operation: Iraqi Freedom.

 

by Externalization
5-14-08
Mud baths are the best thing ever.
What other public place can I poo in mixed company without being chastised?

 

by Externalization
8-22-08
A frozen "Bigfoot" corpse discovered by two Georgia residents has thawed, revealing itself to be an empty rubber gorilla suit.
The hoaxers now claim the incident was a joke, justifying the scam by saying, "We told 10 different stories. Everyone knew we were lying."
Inspired by this defense, the US intelligence community is interested in appropriating the suit to star in bin Laden's next video.

 

by Externalization
9-01-08
Senator McCain, could you describe your controversial Vice Presidential nominee choice for us?
Sarah Palin, beauty pageant winner and soon to be impeached governor of Alaska, an unpopulated East-Asian satellite state of the Soviet Union.
What particular qualities made her stand out to you as the ideal running mate?
She's pro-life, pro-death, and a pro at hunting moose and squirrel.
When you're 72 years old with a history of cancer, don't you need to take extra care in choosing your running mate?
Precisely why I've decided to have my consciousness transferred into her body.

 

by Externalization
9-02-08
The Weinstein Company is developing a motion picture based on Jim Henson's popular 1980's series "Fraggle Rock."
This film features the return of all your favorite Fraggle characters.
Bristol, Willow, Piper, Track, and Trig, the Down's syndrome Fraggle.

 

by Externalization
9-08-08
The Joker thought it was great fun defying Batman and his plain word; to wit: Batman Hates Clowns! Clown Enablers!
Ergo, Batman hates the sordid tacky, bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as The Joker's Gang.
And He hates all persons having anything whatsoever to do with it.
The Joker is now in Arkham, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there.
Beside which, nothing else about The Joker is relevant or consequential.

 

by Externalization
9-25-08
This is God with a message for Barack Obama.
When the audience's belief in you ceases to be literal and becomes symbolic, know that your time has passed.
Take it from one who would know.

 

by Externalization
9-29-08
So Clay Aiken finally came out.
I was shocked. I never would have guessed he was... you know...
Gay?
In the closet!

 

by Externalization
10-09-08
Why are you carrying around that pile of dung? It's disgusting, not to mention hazardous to your health.
That's not a fair way of looking at my dung. While I admit most of this is harmful and serves no purpose, I also see something beautiful in it which you are blind to.
Okay, enlighten me. What's in that smelly pile of dung that you find so special?
Something you'll never have. A raisin.
That's it? Look, I've got a whole bag of clean raisins right here. I'll give them to you if you'll just get rid of that dung.
Stop discriminating against me, you raisin-hating oppressor!

 

by Externalization
10-16-08
I hope you Republicans realize no one's fooled by your claim that Obama's a "Muslim terrorist." We all know which word that's a substitute for.
You're only damaging your own credibility by stooping to such obvious, underhanded, immature tactics.
I'm not a Democrat or an Obama enthusiast by any means. All I want to see is a clean race.
Ah, so we are in agreement after all!

 

by Externalization
10-17-08
How can you possibly support an idiotic, bigoted religious fanatic like Sarah Palin?
Oh, come on, just admit that she's hot!
Well yeah, I'm not saying I wouldn't do her...
... but I'd be thinking about Joe Biden the whole time.

 

by Externalization
10-18-08
I'm a crack addict. I can't get through the day without a fix. Smoking crack gives me the drive to accomplish my goals.
Not that I advocate smoking crack, of course. Just say "no."
I was molested as a child. Rather than let it ruin my life, I found strength in my pain. I've consequently dedicated my life to helping others and making the world a better place.
Not that this justifies pedophilia, of course. No one should ever harm a child like that.
I was born into a religious family and raised to believe as my ancestors did. My faith in God is a light which carries me through life and inspires me.
Therefore... you should believe in God, too.

 

by Externalization
10-25-08
How can you not care about this match? Don't you understand that if you don't support the hero, you're helping the villain?
There are no "heroes" or "villains." This "feud" you're so caught up in was designed to elicit an emotional reaction from you rather than an intellectual response.
He's fighting for you and you don't even appreciate it.
They're both "fighting" for a paycheck. The only real winners are the venue owners, ticket agencies, and advertisers.
Embrace change!
Country first!

 

by Externalization
11-01-08
Remember, kids, if you go trick or treating, the candy you receive will be full of needles, razor blades, and poison!
Why must you terrorize them by perpetuating these ridiculous concocted urban legends? There's nothing deadly hidden in halloween candy.
Unless you count modified corn starch, high fructose corn syrup, monosodium glutamate, ascorbic acid...
... propyl gallate, acesulfame-k, blue 1, blue 2, yellow 6, butylated hydroxyanisole, butylated hydroxytoluene...

 

by Externalization
11-02-08
I'm talking about the hope of a future based on freedom and equality in a clean, healthy environment.
I'm talking about secure borders and an economic plan that doesn't reek of socialism.
Are you really a shill for the greedy robber barons who control the world's wealth, or are you just afraid to elect anyone but another rich old white man?
Are you really a tree-hugging Commie, or are you just trying to elect the first African-American president?
Are they having that same old debate again?
Yup. Cynthia McKinney versus Ron Paul.

Showing page 5.

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