All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
3-19-04
So you're the new girl, huh? I'm Helena Buckett. I used to be a porn star.
Last summer I starred in a reality TV show where a bunch of guys tried to date me. Does that impress you at all?
Er...not really.
Good, we'll get along just fine. Latte?
Sure.

 

by Ranger77
3-19-04
This comic has been cancelled.
In a week, D&G Omnimedia will present some mid season replacement comics to fill in...
Until then don't expect too much....
Wakka wakka wakka!

 

by Ranger77
3-29-04
My idea for a new strip would be dating advice from my own experiences. Told in, like, flashbacks!
I don't know, Chuck. It sounds a bit shaky.....
Chuck's Guide to Dating: The Opening Line! (May 18, 1997: Metropolitan Beach)
Hey you...wanna fuck?
WHAT?!
Aw, come on dude. I never said it was GOOD advice.

 

by Ranger77
3-30-04
Today's reference: Wall Street Journal March, 30, 2004.
Carol, there's a cop on the phone. He says you stole money from the restaurant and that I need to conduct a strip search on you.
What?!
Look, it's the police. On the phone. I have to do what he says.
Oh. Okay. I guess...
Somewhere in Florida (hundreds of miles away)....
Should I have her take off her panties too?
Oh, yesyesyesyes....please.

 

by Ranger77
3-30-04
Well, I saw it. Last night. It seems like everyone had seen it except me. I had my doubts....not anymore.
It was powerful. I found I was shocked, sickened but somehow comforted by it at the same time.
Passion of the Christ had that effect on alot of people. Gibson really pressed some buttons there.
Passion of the Christ? I was talking about Office Space. I finally rented it last night.

 

by Ranger77
4-01-04
Thank you for sharing your religion with me.
The path to enlightenment is full of peaks and valleys. Meditate well young one.
Another kid from the college?
Uh-huh. I sold him the 24.99 "All Natural Meditation Nutrition" package.
It's amazing what people will pay for a bunch of Nutri-Grain bars in a plastic bag.
Yep. I felt sorry for him so I threw in a Fruit Rollup.

 

by Ranger77
4-01-04
More pitches for a Spam W0rld replacement....
B, I haven't had a huge part in the regular strip for quite sometime. I would like to audition my idea for a series.
Sure. Only no ranting about Microsoft, how it is an evil company or how you're obsessed with the inherent vulnerabilities in their software.
The European Union would give me my own strip in a heartbeat.
Yeah, and the French love Jerry Lewis and snails. What's your point?

 

by Ranger77
4-02-04
As heard on the Rush Limbaugh show, April 1, 2004 (by his fill-in guest)
The outsourcing of IT jobs to places like India actually creates jobs here at home! So this mass exodus actually helps those displaced programmers, sys admins and engineers who can't find work!
It gives them an opportunity to suck it up, retrain themselves and try something else! Seeing high paying technical jobs and skills fade away in the US is a good thing folks!
In a related story, McDonalds has revealed plans for its new Certified Hamburger Engineer (MCHE) program....

 

by Ranger77
4-02-04
The new strips seem to be doing well.
It's definitely an improvement. Gotta hand it to B, he's pretty business saavy.
So he expected the lawsuit right?
You don't have to tell me. I already know where this is going....
Outside the Ranger's World production office someone near and dear holds an impropmtu press conference....
So what I'm saying is that my client was treated in an arbitrary manner and deserves his day in court.
I'm an 'artist' you know....not just another pretty face.

 

by Ranger77
4-04-04
The Place: The Building of Justice (located in exotic Roseville, Michigan). Home of THE DEFENDERS LEAGUE!
She said I was "gay" and she wouldn't go out with me. If I was "gay" I wouldn't be asking her out would I?
It's the threads, dude. Flashy is out, dark and sinister is in.
That's just plain silly. I'm as good a hero as any one of those "anti-hero" hero types. I fight for justice and ask for nothing in return.
Last night after kicking the shit out of an armed robber at a 7-11, I made it with two off duty strippers who were very, VERY grateful that I saved their lives.
Dark and sinister, eh?
Works for me.

 

by Ranger77
4-05-04
Reference: Chicago Tribune 4/5/04
I think I've got this figured out. India's pissed at the US because we want to make Pakistan "a Major non NATO ally."
Go on...
Reference: USA Today 4/5/04
And I hear that FBI agents make diddly-squat in terms of pay and are often stretched financially which could be a national security problem.
So...
So....I say we outsource the FBI to India!
You haven't taken your medication today, have you?

 

by Ranger77
4-06-04
Once again.....lawyers meet.....
Don't you ever get tired of suing us?
Do your bosses ever get tired of trodding on the common man?
That depends. The Spam W0rld cast had a cancellation clause in their contracts. Most, except for that ghost thing, have found positions within D&G.
Now you-Hoo see.....You assume that injustice can be cleared by simple payments and concessions.
And what are you looking for then?
Actually.....I have this idea for a strip, starring me of course....

 

by Ranger77
4-07-04
Now let me get the straight: you will drop this suit if we give you, your own strip.
Something like that yes.
I can't believe I'm hearing this. You would sell out your client for simple notoriety?
No, of course not!
Then what....
I would sell out my client for creative control, syndication rights, 10% ownership and a modest amount of cash.

 

by Ranger77
4-07-04
BWAH-HAHA. They think YOU, a mere girl can stop me. I have defeated the best heroes on this planet and they think you can stop Dr. Rude and his Inferno Device?!
My dear girl, I have robot armies, death rays, and an army of henchmen. I have an orbital missile platform, I have mutant soldiers....
He had a pretty good crease in his head when we found him. CatLass beaned him upside his head with a pipe.
Figures she was in a bad mood. I heard her boyfriend dumped her last week.

 

by Ranger77
4-07-04
Did you hear about that reality show where women were given plastic surgery to compete in a beauty pageant?
Terrible. The body is a temple and rampant excess and commericialism are the serpents of society.
The "Hot Doughnuts Now" light is on at that Krispy Kreme across the street.
Let us move quickly, my brother.

 

by Ranger77
4-09-04
Look....your lawyer is not working in your best interests.
Are you kidding he's the best! He really cares about me. What can possibly lead him to betray me? He's not motivated by money, or fame or....
His last client was a chicken who lives in a trailer park, has a boyfriend named Earl and dreams of being on Jerry Springer.
You're kind of funny.... in a pitiful naive and goofy sort of way, of course.....
HOW DARE YOU SELL ME OUT, YOU ARROGANT, SELF SERVING FUCKNOZZLE!

 

by Ranger77
4-09-04
That Monk must be meditating....
The concentration, the absolute control over his body. It must be nice to have that much self discipline. I wish I could be like that.
Yep, I was right. That woman playing frisbee isn't wearing a bra....
Hey what are you looking at.....ohhhh. You dirty bugger. *heh heh*

 

by Ranger77
4-10-04
I'm glad that's over with.
We've defeated the alien scum, secured their mothership and saved the world.
You wouldn't happen to know how to pilot an alien mothership would you?
What do you think?

 

by Ranger77
4-11-04
I don't think you'll have to worry too much about the lawsuit. Iva pretty much screwed himself on this one.
As usual. Funny thing is I'm thinking about putting his client, that ghost thing, in "HeroVille".
That might be a good idea. I got a call from D&G Human Resources. They want a report on everything that happened.
Take care of that for me will you? If I file another HR report I'll lose it.
I'm on it. Is "fucknozzle" all one word?
Yep, with two "z"s.

 

by Ranger77
4-11-04
Well, it looks like even we here at Ranger's World are feeling the pinch of censorship.
We got some complaints about the colorful language we used in the last sequence of strips so....
"....feel free to cut and paste these kid friendly, Nickelodeon approved 'punchline' panels into our recent Ranger's World strips!"
You're kind of funny.... in a pitiful naive and goofy sort of way, of course.....
HOW DARE YOU SELL ME OUT, YOU ARROGANT, SELF SERVING POOPYHEAD!
I'm on it. Is "poopyhead" all one word?
Yep, with two "o"s.

 

by Ranger77
4-12-04
Don't you ever get tired of this Toro? We joined the Defenders League to be superheroes, not work their helpdesk.
The official reason is that we are in training and hiring an IT staff is a security risk.
Yeah, right. Captain Justice is just cheap that's all and we're free labor.
Look EnergyGrrl, I know it sucks, but you have to remember that ultimately we're doing a greater good by doing our time here.
"ENERGY GRRL, PLEASE REPORT TO DECK 5. CATLASS IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HER MONITOR. EL TORO, MENTON IS LOCKED OUT OF HIS DEFENDERNET ACCOUNT."
*sigh* That's the third monitor she's bounced across the room this month. Cats see in black and white....live with it.
The man has telekenetic powers and can't remember his frickin' password?!!

 

by Ranger77
4-12-04
Hey, you orange wearing freak! You aren't so tough. I can kick your ass!
*sigh*
I got my street fighting skills from the streets, not some sissy temple. So come on....show me what you got.
Less than a minute later....
*GACK! OOG!*
I have this 'sissy' M18 Advanced Taser that I bought from beststungun.com. I believe you'll find I just shot you with it.

 

by Ranger77
4-13-04
"The Bush Administration's arrogance has dramatically affected how the rest of the world views us. The United States is now mired in a very difficult, costly and problematic situation in Iraq...."
"The Kerry campaign is founded on unclear objectives. In fact Kerry waffles so much on campaign issues, you'd think he was going to open a Bob Evans....."
If you're going to waste your vote in November....why not waste it on me!
"Paid for by the Bick Smith for President Committee."
So how was that?
Well at least you're getting closer to the way we actually wrote it. Let's go again....take 51!

 

by Ranger77
4-14-04
Do you know how stupid you made me look?
Come on....mistakes happen.
I want to be known as "Pyrotek, the Fire Retardant Boy".
We only had so many words that we could put in the press release.
The article referred to me as "Pie, the Flaming Retard."
It was close.....I mean, you still get the gist of it...

 

by Ranger77
4-14-04
Look at those monks over there. They look like they're having a pretty intense conversation.
What do you think they could be talking about? Religion? Politics? Philosophy?
Here's one....I read somewhere that the longest case of someone resisting the urge to defecate is 19 days.
No shit?
They're probably talking about all that and more. It takes years to get to their level. Sometimes decades.
No shit....

 

by Ranger77
4-15-04
Reuters: April 15, 2004 (as seen on Yahoo!)
Are you ready to try again?
Yeah....just a sec. Okay. Shoot.
Only 17 percent of adult video actors use condoms. Today a popular performer was diagnosed with AIDS and the whole industry is stunned.
. . . .
Still don't get get it, huh?
Hold on. Give me a moment here. This is 2004 right?

 

by Ranger77
4-15-04
Martin Fiddlestein: Business Analyst, Diss and Genuous Salary 150K/year
As a valued employee we would like to know how you think the management team is doing here at D&G!
Please fill out this online survey. Rest assured, your identity will be kept anonymous, so be honest and truthful. Only your input can....
Transferred: Special Projects, Simian Dynamics Division. Wage: $4.75/hr
Fell for the old anonymous survey bit, huh?
Shut up.

 

by Ranger77
4-16-04
And now....NINJA FURY!
Before we fight, I have a confession to make. I'm not Asian. I'm from New Jersey and was granted my Ninja Skills from a mystical being who thought he was in Japan.
That's ok. My rich uncle was killed by robbers and I spent my teenage years training in the martial arts and plotting my revenge. I'm from Ohio.
And...uh...you're not Asian either.
Not even close.
This is kinda awkward.
Yeah.

 

by Ranger77
4-16-04
What are you doing?
Shhh....I'm chanting. IYAM REED TODD DID. SOFA KING REED TODD DID.....
Chanting?
After performing my one man mime opera in the park, the monks told me this would open my mind. IYAM REED TODD DID. SOFA KING REED TODD DID....
That was cruel. You realize this don't you?
It's an old joke. Besides he didn't strike me as smart enough to actually listen to what he was saying....

 

by Ranger77
4-17-04
After a bit of a hiatus....here's another Mother/Daughter moment....
I'm glad to hear you dumped that loser, Mom. I hope you learned something from all this.
Yeah. Tonight I thought I'd go to bar, pretend to let some to let some college kid seduce me, rock his world with sex and then dump him mercilessly. What should I wear sheer or fishnet?
*sigh* Fishnet.
Excellent choice. Never hurts to stay with the classics....

 

by Ranger77
4-24-04
Based on a CNN report, April 23, 2004
So you've never stolen anything in your life?
Nope. The Bible teaches us that stealing is wrong. You should read it yourself sometime.
Actually I have, but let me ask you this. I noticed alot of mp3s on your computer. Almost 50 gigs worth. You're also running Kazaa.
It's all Christian music, my friend.
So you've been downloading and trading Christian music illegally, like without paying for it?
Nope...I've just been spreading the Gospel. Praise the Lord and pass the iPod!

 

by Ranger77
4-24-04
CNN April 23, 2004
I've heard that alot of Christians are swapping music using P2P apps at a staggering rate.
Yes, we here at the Gospel Music Association are very concerned about that. We are not immune to the piracy that's running rampant today.
I've also heard that those folks don't consider that necessarily a bad thing.
Stealing is stealing, young man. If you read the Bible you would know this.
Actually, I have. Look, isn't downloading and trading Christian music a good thing. Y'know speading the word of God and all that.
Son, spreading the word of God is always a good thing....as long as it doesn't bite into our profit margins.

 

by Ranger77
4-25-04
Meanwhile at the League of Defender's Hall of Justice....
It's humiliating.
I know but Captain Justice says it's good publicity.
Since when do we need to get 'good publicity' at a Comic Book Convention. You ever been to one? It always smells like Skittles and unwashed fanboy.
Come on, it can't be all that bad.
They stuck me at a table next to some guy who was an extra on Episode 12 of Star Trek: Voyager. He was selling autographs for $25 bucks a piece!
Now see that's your problem. You've only saved the world a couple times, but you've never been in the same room with Jeri Ryan.

 

by Ranger77
4-25-04
I was just talking to CatLass and it was really strange. She was actually pretty nice to me.
Really?
I know, its weird. Then it was like she thought of something and had to go away to her room all of a sudden.
I hear she does that alot. She usually emerges from her room all pissy again. I wonder why?
Your Anger Index is only at 45%.....shall I continue the simulation?
Grrr....

 

by Ranger77
4-25-04
You know Liz, with all these new Microsoft vulnerabilities, I thought you would be near psychotic by now. Especially since you used to work for them.
Who me? Naah. I'm fine.
That's good because I was worried that....
You know, Al Franken is VERY funny. From his cutting edge humor with SNL in the 70's to his sharp political wit in recent years....he is truly an American treasure.
Did you have to have her committed?
Just temporarily. Obviously she was insane and delusional. She'll thank me when she returns....

 

by Ranger77
4-26-04
Let's go to the Mailbag since some of you have questions to ask our resident Monks. One reader asks: "What is good in life?"
Hmm...that's a good question..
I would say defeating your enemies, seeing them run before you and hearing the lamentations of their women.
And wet dreams.
Oh yes....wet dreams. Almost forgot about that one.

 

by Ranger77
4-27-04
Here you go Honey....Happy Birthday!
Ah. A gift certificate.
Well, I finally realized that I'm really bad about getting you gifts so I thought a $500 dollar certificate at that import store you like would be perfect.
So. I guess we've reached that impersonal, faded rose point in our marriage, huh?
Uh-oh. Here it comes....
Next time why don't you just phone in a pledge. Better yet, I hear e-cards are making a comeback....

 

by Ranger77
4-28-04
He was born in a top secret lab, the result of years of clandestine experimentations. It was there he developed his extraordinary abilities.
Eventually he escaped his captors, and chose to use his powers for good. Despite this, he is still on the run....hunted by a shadowy government agency. Still, no one can deny the might of....
The Incredible M.O.U.S.E?
Smile when you say that, bitch.

 

by Ranger77
4-29-04
I hope you're finding everything you need, uh, M.O.U.S.E.
You need lower urinals.
Yes, well I'll look into that. Incidently, why are you called The Incredible M.O.U.S.E instead of just "mouse."
It was my experimental designation. It stands for Marsupial Overmind Utilizing Skills and Enhancements.
Ok...but wouldn't people already gather that you....
I like the periods okay! Geez. I suppose you think that calling yourself "Captain Justice" is pretty clever, huh? Nice underoos, by the way.

 

by Ranger77
4-29-04
I don't usually do this but I have a problem and I really need a mature, wise person to speak to.
Of course. By all means, Miss, please tell me what's troubling you.
I have this incredible appetite for sex. I mean ALL the time. Not just normal sex but adventurous sex. I feel it might be harming my relationships...
So did talking to that monk help?
Sort of....we're going out this Saturday.

 

by Ranger77
4-30-04
Britney's pissed because I got her a gift certificate on her birthday.
Even I know that's a bad move.
I didn't put up a fuss when she bought me a pretty useless gift on my birthday.
Maybe you caught her on a bad day. Some people think giving a gift certificate shows lack of understanding about your partner.
Does the foot massager she got me for MY birthday count? What does that show?
Well, considering your footwear comes from the local horse stable, I would say that shows she doesn't look at your feet too often.

 

by Ranger77
4-30-04
Here is your lesson for today. When you compete you compete to win. But....always remember that there is no dishonor in losing. Do you know why?
Because you can always learn from your mistakes?
Nope. Because you'll get offered a talk show. Lots of losers have talk shows, young one.
I'm honored by your wisdom, sensei.

 

by Ranger77
5-01-04
Did you hear the latest? Evidently our new member, the mouse, pissed off Captain Justice.
You mean 'The Incredible M.O.U.S.E'?
Whatever. It's his first day here and he insults the Captain's costume. The little guy has cajones I'll give you that.
Yeah, but our 'fearless leader' is pretty sensitive. He can be vindictive too. Can't imagine he'll let something like that pass.
"CatLass....meet your new partner! M.O.U.S.E. feel free to give criticisms on HER costume."
Grrrr....!
....

 

by Ranger77
5-02-04
So is your wife still pissed at you?
Nope. All patched up. She's going to keep a wishlist and I'll buy gifts off of that. It was the best solution.
You know, no offense, but as good a lawyer that you are, when it comes to marital matters you usually get nailed. So what was your penance this time?
*sigh* I have to watch and be prepared to discuss Trading Spaces, American Idol and a "to be named later" dating reality show on Fox.
Ooh...that's harsh.
It was worse....Dr. Phil was on the list before we negotiated a lighter sentence.

 

by Ranger77
5-04-04
When we last left the League of Defenders, CatLass had just met her new partner. Despite her rather violent nature, her initial comments were very reserved....
I'm going to eat you. Just wanted you to know that. I'll start by tearing off your head and sucking your blood like a crawfish.
Fair enough. But I should tell you that because of years of experimentation, eating me will give you terminal heartburn, chronic gas, ballistic diarrhea....
....AND anal leakage.
Suddenly I'm in the mood for a salad. You're good.
The leakage thing is always a deal breaker.

 

by Ranger77
5-05-04
Blah, blah, blah, fools. Blah, blah, blah, overrated. Blah, blah, blah, world be better off without them. Blah, blah, blah, bunch of stupid, mindless people. SHOULD care more about blah.
Who was your friend?
Some intolerant, arrogant, closed minded activist guy decided to bombard me with his whacked out opinions.
Really? What was he? Conservative? Liberal?
To be quite honest I really couldn't tell.

 

by Ranger77
5-05-04
Believe it or not, Bick is still running for President....
Since you're now running as an Independent, I just had a great idea to get your name out there.
Ok. Just hurry up and tell me. Me and my EverQuest clan plan to troll some Final Fantasy message boards tonight.
(AP May 5, 2004 via Yahoo)
Oookay....This summer, Spiderman 2 ads will be displayed on bases during 15 Major League Baseball games. It's a brilliant marketing move.
Go on....
I propose we put your campaign ads on toilet sets in every GameWorks, Dave and Busters, and Taco Bell throughout the country.
There's something really wrong with that, but what the hell. Make it so!

 

by Ranger77
5-07-04
A new crime fighting team composed of the ultraviolent CatLass and a new being known as "The Incredible M.O.U.S.E" apprehended kidnapper Earl Beck today.
Beck's brusied, broken body was found in front of a police precinct bound and gagged. It was also revealed that many glowing round pellets were found around Beck and in his mouth.
Glowing round pellets......please tell me you didn't.
So sue me....I had Taco Bell for lunch. What was I supposed to do, hold it?

 

by Ranger77
5-07-04
I win. Maybe next time you'll believe me when I say I can drink more than you AND remain standing.
Whatever. Just stop the world from spinning.

 

by Ranger77
5-09-04
That ends the lesson for today. And remember, the flames you ignite today, leave the ashes of tommorrow.
Wow. I will....and thanks.
Just made us another $50, Being close to a college really is helping the "Spritual Consulting" business.
Sure is. That was a pretty deep quote too. I'm impressed.
Yeah, well someone called me on "The world don't move to the beat of just one drum" last week.
Give it another ten years and 80's sitcom references will be fair game. I just used a few 'Sanford and Son' quotes yesterday, myself.

Showing page 5.

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