stripcreator archive (2001-2026)

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Public Service Announcement by choadwarrior 7-01-03
Hey man, I got some great bud, you wanna go smoke it? I really don't smoke pot any more.	That's a shame, man...it's really good...are you sure? Yeah, it just wrecks me now, so I don't do it.	Whatever, man see you later. My name is Choadwarrior, and gin & tonics are my anti-drug.

 

Why The Atkins Diet Is Successful by choadwarrior 7-01-03
Before I administer the probe, I must ask you what you ate in the last twelve hours. Well, I'm on the Atkins diet...	So I ate a cheeseburger and pickled eggs for lunch, and for dinner I had a 72 ounce buttered steak.	Well, I'm going to send you back...you have no idea how hard it is to clean these things. Thanks, Dr. Atkins...your high fat, low fiber diet has saved my life!

 

Click Here for X-Rated Strip! by choadwarrior 7-03-03
Boooooooo!	Beeeeeees! Booooooo!	Beeeeeees!

 

Father, Son, and Holy Crap by choadwarrior 7-03-03
So how about after Saturday night's mass you come back to my place and hang out? Um, sure, father...what would we do?	I thought I would open up a bottle of sacramental wine, light some votive candles, and then we'd take off these uncomfortable frocks and mess around. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that.	Awwww, c'mon...think of it as your first cum union.

 

Tit for Tat, Crack For Crack by choadwarrior 7-03-03
Christ, I've lead one hard life. You have no idea what it's like.	Well, did your dad ever have Roman soldiers nail you to a cross?	No, but crystal meth had half the Oakland Raiders nail me in the ass.

 

Technicalities by choadwarrior 7-03-03
Father, I'm not sure if I can go through with my first communion. But you've accepted God into your heart, and Jesus as your savior, haven't you?	Yes, but I'm a vegetarian, and I don't want to break that vow by eating flesh and drinking blood. Holy Communion is symbolic...the flesh is represented by bread, and the blood is represented by wine, just as it was at the Last Supper.	Hovever, faith requires that I believe it to be the body and blood of our savior. Please just shut up and eat your Christ!

 

Yet Another Real Sex Street Interview by choadwarrior 7-03-03
What is your favourite thing to do sexually? Mostly getting nailed to a cross in my underwear. Ride bareback.	Heavy petting. I like to do it human-style.	Too obvious. Pass the "collection plate."

 

Check Your Cavities by choadwarrior 7-05-03
You must see some nasty stuff as a nurse. Oh my god! Yesterday, I had this patient who had all kinds of bed sores...	I had to pack an open cavity that went from the base of his spine into his bowels.	You have the best job...You put the "fist" in "fistula!"

 

Career Advice by choadwarrior 7-05-03
Father, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Well, you're still young, and you have a long time to figure that out.	Remember...do what you love and you will never work a day in your life.	So you like to do altar boys? Yes, but not black ones if that's where you're going.

 

Agendas by choadwarrior 7-05-03
Father, I've come to see if you can use me to teach Sunday School. We are always looking for qualified volunteers.	Teaching Sunday School is something I've wanted to do my whole life. Because you love spreading the word of God?	No, because I hate children. Perfect!

 

Fashion by choadwarrior 7-05-03
So the other day, this ugly, fat, old guy at work complimented me on my jacket and asked me where I got it. Ha! I hate it when old guys try to dress young and trendy.	So I sent him to Structure--not like they'll have his size anyway. Aren't you afraid that he'll figure out you're gay after he spends two seconds in that store?	No, I'm more afraid that he'll figure out he's gay.

 

Up Sell by choadwarrior 7-06-03
Well, I think we've finally taken care of that eye problem of yours. Thanks, doctor, I'm glad someone was finally able to figure out what it was.	By the way, when this is all cleared up, I think you would be an excellent candidate for LASIK. Oh, really? Why is that?	Because I do the surgery, it's expensive, and I noticed you have a decent job.

 

Pink Eye by choadwarrior 7-06-03
Hey. they finally figured out what was causing the irritation in my eye.	Cum? No, I had an eyelash growing toward my eyeball, so I was scraping it with every blink.	Cum was a good guess, though.

 

CC 195 Sanitation (12) by choadwarrior 7-06-03
I can't believe you don't use heat lamps. Isn't that against the health code?	We serve the food as soon as it is prepared so we don't need them. Also, our food is never touched by human hands. Is that so?	ORDER UP!

 

Update Your Resumes! by choadwarrior 7-08-03
So tomorrow, my friend Robert has to layoff the office crank. He's 39, and this is the first person he's ever had to fire.	He asked me for advice because I've fired lots and lots of people--some even deserved it! I told him that he has to remain confident and remember that the decision has been made and he can't change it.	Then I reminded him that unemployment is at a nine-year high... and that he's probably next.

 

Finding The Right Escort by choadwarrior 7-08-03

 

The Grass Is Always Browner by choadwarrior 7-09-03
So I got fired last week. Really, why?	Well, the boss didn't like me, and then he found out I'm gay. Well, firing someone you don't like is still legal in California.	Sometimes I wish I were black instead of gay, it would be so much easier. Yeah, then you'd never get hired in the first place because people could hate you without ever getting to know you.

 

Differences of Opinion by choadwarrior 7-09-03
We at priestsforlife.org object to your schools bringing in Planned Parenthood to speak to high school health classes. Furthermore, you should be aware that you are exposing yourself to litigation. Our conduct is appropriate--parents are informed of the curriculum and the nature of guest presentations and given the opportunity to remove their kids from class without prejudicing their grades.	You don't understand...we feel Planned Parenthood perpetuates child abuse by presenting abortion as an option and by not informing parents that their children are sexually active. Just like the Catholic Church perpetuates a never-ending cycle of abuse by concealing allegations of molestation by priests who it then transfers to other parishes where they can prey on new victims?	No, that's different --we don't kill babies--and you fail to recognize that priests are important role models for youth who are looking for emotional guidance in their adolescence. Ooooh...Now I get it! You're afraid if all the unwanted babies aren't born, your supply of vulnerable children looking for love and acceptance from an adult, no matter how creepy, will disappear.

 

Enough Already! by choadwarrior 7-09-03
So my son bought a 1991 Toyota Celica last night for $2,500 dollars. Huh?	He only had $2,000, but his friend had another $500, so he gave it to him, and now he's out driving his new car. Were you talking to me?	Yes, I was telling you about my son. I didn't realize I had asked.

 

Shhhhhhhh by choadwarrior 7-09-03
You know, you are just like your father. Why do you say that? He's only come into the office once.	You are always saying how he's self-centered. Well, not once in two years have you ever shown any interest about me or my life. The difference is that he wouldn't even notice you, or hear a word you are saying.	And you? I wish I had his gift.

 

Sexxxy 90's Song by choadwarrior 7-09-03
First of all, I hate it when you interrupt me.	Second of all, those lyrics aren't even in the song.	I know, but when you sang that you were too sexy for your shirt, I did the next logical thing.

 

Size Matters by choadwarrior 7-10-03

 

The RIAA's Next Move by choadwarrior 7-12-03
Dear Mr. Choadwarrior: We have received information that you willfully and repeatedly listened to "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas in your Pontiac's compact disc player. WHEREAS Mitsubishi Motors Corporation (hereafter referred to as "Mitsubishi") holds exclusive North American licensing rights to "Days Go By" for use marketing its vehicles, AND...	WHEREAS playing "Days Go By" at such volume so as to be heard by occupants of other vehicles and pedestrians constitutes a public performance, AND... WHEREAS such performances in non-Mitsubishi automobiles irreparably harms Mitsubishi's public image and good will, NOW THEREFORE let it be known to all men...	You are hereby ordered to cease and desist further performances of "Days Go By." You are also ordered to pay royaties to Mitsubishi and Capitol Records plus interest for the foregoing acts. In order to avoid the mutual umpleasentness of litigation, the RIAA will consider it "Fair Use" should you immediately sell your Pontiac and purchase a 2004 Mitsubishi Eclipse.

 

Matchmaker by choadwarrior 7-12-03
Have you met that new girl in accounting yet? Christ, here we go again.	She's single... Of course she is...She has bad skin, a pear-shaped body, and no personality.	So what do you think of her? I wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

 

Weird, But Not Funny Weird by choadwarrior 7-13-03
Oh, man...Weird Al Yankovic is playing at the fair this year, I can't wait to go see him. I saw him once.	Oh, really? Yeah, he was playing at a Six Flags park I worked at in 1992. I saw him drive up to the back gate in a beat up '87 Ford Escort.	It was the last time I laughed at Weird Al.

 

Isn't There A Law About That? by choadwarrior 7-13-03
Um...Excuse me...why are you ticketing my car?	Because you're parked in a red zone.	Well, yeah, but I have my hazard lights flashing. That's exactly how it caught my eye.

 

Home Schooling by choadwarrior 7-13-03
Why can't I go to school like the other kids? I told you before--mommy's under house arrest, so I can't take you to no school. Now where did we leave off yesterday?	You were telling me that the way to establish yourself in the joint is to find the biggest, baddest chick and take her out on the first day. And if you can't do that?	Become her bitch. I ain't never puttin' you back in school...you're learning more here than you'll ever get outta readin' no damn books.

 

Meeting Of The Minds by choadwarrior 7-14-03
Any messages? Just one--the guy who claims we breached his contract called and said if you don't pay him now, he's going to sue us.	Call him back and tell him that's fine and that not only did I win in court this morning, but I've never lost a case. Should I tell him that this was your first case and the defendants didn't show up?	You have a lot to learn about intimidation. And you have a lot to learn about sarcasm.

 

Giddy-Up! by choadwarrior 7-14-03
Hey--my cousin wants to meet you. Is she hot?	Dude! She's my cousin! Don't make me go there. Then just answer me two questions...	What? Does she have big ears and do you think she can handle this saddle?

 

Baby Talk, Baby Talk! by choadwarrior 7-15-03
Why are you talking funny? My tongue ith thwollen becauth I crathed my bike on Thaturday and damn near bit it off.	And you argued in court with that lisp? Yeth.	You must have sounded like a regular Fairy Mason. Thigh

 

The Criminal Element by choadwarrior 7-15-03
I have the money we owe you for the vandalism my son did to your school. Good, once the check clears, I'll notify his probation officer that you've made full restitution.	Perfect, his P.O. is Deputy Harrison. Okay, I know her.	She's very good--definitely the best one my son has had so far. You realize that most parents talk about their kids' favourite teachers and not probation officers, right?

 

Yawn by choadwarrior 7-15-03
My son finally got his report card... Straight A's again!	So we went to Outback Steakhouse to celebrate because he loves the Bloomin' Onion. You know, you should have had more than one kid.	Why? Then you'd realize how uninteresting this one is.

 

Be Careful What You Wish For by choadwarrior 7-16-03
I'm trying to figure out how far to push my son to motivate him to study harder and get more involved in school activities. Well, he already gets straight A's, he's on the debate team, is class treasurer, and an eagle scout. What more do you want?	I want him to have whatever he wants in life. Well, sons of overbearing control-freaks, usually end up wanting one of two things...	What? Either to move very far away so you won't fuck up his marriage, or to be the grand marshall of the pride parade.

 

How Anti-Harassment Policies Work by choadwarrior 7-16-03
I swear, you are nothin' but a stupid F'ing N-word! WHAT THE FUCK? You realize that "F'ing N-word" is just a euphemism for "fucking nigger," right?	Yeah, but I don't want to get fired. I'm reporting you to Human Resources, asshole!	HA! And I'll tell them you just swore at me!

 

Urgent Message by choadwarrior 7-16-03
Oh, christ, yet another company-wide e-mail. What is it this time, leftover birthday cake?	No, they're shutting down the network at 5:00. Finally, one that wasn't a complete waste of time for 1200 employees.	Wait--here's another one. Someone lost an earring. I'll round up a search party. You order bagels and hit 'reply to all.'

 

L'chaim! by choadwarrior 7-17-03
Well, I'm here to usher you to hell. Sorry, but that whole 72 virgins thing was a lie. How did you martyr yourself anyway? I was shot by Israeli soldiers after I tried to firebomb a bar mitzvah.	What were you using? Dynamite? No, I stuffed a rag into a bottle of Manischewitz passover wine, lit it on fire, and threw it into the synagogue.	I've never heard of anyone using Manischewitz for that. Was it the only alcohol available or were you going for irony? I called it a mazel tov cocktail

 

Eternal Optimist by choadwarrior 7-19-03
How do you endure the suffering, messiah? I just try to look at the bright side.	You mean that you will get to take your place along side your father in heaven? Yeah, that's all good, but i was also thinking...	I'll bet I'll be able to use these nail holes to simulate a vagina when I masturbate.

 

Lend Me A Hand by choadwarrior 7-19-03
Jesus, you look catatonic...what happened? I was walking up the trail to this bench, and I saw two dudes jerking each other off in the bushes.	Oh, gross. Two guys really have to be good friends to do that to each other.	Or complete strangers.

 

DONG! by choadwarrior 7-19-03
(ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong)	Oh, no! Jesus! Have you come to take me to Heaven? In a way...I super fuckin' horny and I need to blow a load.	Well, that explains how you were able to ring the doorbell.

 

Salad Is Healthy by choadwarrior 7-20-03
My doctor says I need to lose weight...what do you have that's healthy?	We have a salad with wilted iceberg lettuce, bacon, cheese, a slice of tomato and croutons. I'll take that, with extra bleu cheese dressing.	You realize that's like 40 grams of fat and iceberg lettuce has about as many nutritional benefits as water, right? Okay, make it two.

 

Give Me An H! by choadwarrior 7-21-03
So Jason Mewes is in rehab now. The kind of rehab where they make you make beds and clean toilets?	Yeah. I would hate that.	That's because you have the most disgusting bathroom I've ever seen. Remind me not to get strung out.

 

You Don't Think, Therefore You Are Not by choadwarrior 7-21-03
Did you see a stack of documents on top of the copier? No. Did you look behind the machine?	Why would they be there? Because they sometimes fall behind it when I raise the lid.	There's really no excuse for that. I know--I've done that so many times, you'd think people would remember their originals by now.

 

Silence of the Hams by choadwarrior 7-22-03
So how was it here while I was on vacation? Quiet.	So I didn't miss anything? Oh...plenty of things happened...	I'm just saying it was quiet.

 

Res Ipsa Loquitor by choadwarrior 7-23-03
Dude, you really need to lose some weight. I would, but I hurt my back three years ago.	You know, must soft-tissue back injuries fully resolve in six weeks. Yeah, I don't know why but mine never got better.	Kinda makes me wonder if that extra sixty pounds you're carrying up front has anything to do with that. I told you--I'd exercise, but my back is killing me!

 

How About A Nice Sausage? by choadwarrior 7-23-03
My mom still can't get over the fact that I turned vegetarian.	She doesn't shut up about it.	That bitch pushes more meat than Ron Jeremy.

 

Home Improvement by choadwarrior 7-23-03
Welcome back to "This Old House of God." Now, God, you were telling us you wanted a new look for the place, but you were on a budget. That's right, Bob; I'm also a hands-on kind of god and I'd like to help out wherever I can.	Well, you're in luck. Norm and I have a project that is perfect for the do-it-yourself omnipotent deity. Oh, I'm so excited.	All you need is two strong beams of wood, some nails, and your only begotten son. I like where this is going.

 

Medical Breakthrough by choadwarrior 7-23-03
Hey did you hear? A new report came out saying that men who masturbate more than once-a-day have a lower rate of prostate cancer? Yeah, that's like the best news ever.	Just think...we could wipe out prostate cancer!	Hell, I wiped it off four times today already.

 

I Like Your Beard by choadwarrior 7-23-03
Your mom is so hot! I'd totally do her. Awww, man! Don't talk about my mom like that--it's gross.	Besides, aren't you gay?	Yeah, it must be her mustache... grrrrrr!

 

Unrequited Spite by choadwarrior 7-23-03
I just want to say that I've really enjoyed working for you. Oh...ummm...thanks.

 

Shoot Your WAD by choadwarrior 7-23-03
Hola, can I take your order. No, I ate here yesterday, and I'm never going to eat here again.	As a matter of fact, I've also used my government connections to call in an air strike on this taco shop.	Porque? Because your tacos al pastor qualify as Weapons of Ass Destruction.

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