All comics by itsclark

Profile

 

by itsclark
12-16-02
Remember, we're not Corporate America...
We're an old-fashioned FAMILY business.
We're DuPont!
Oh, come ON!!

 

by itsclark
12-21-02
I feel pretty... Oh, so pretty...
A New Year's resolution you can keep...
I feel pretty damn shitty to-DAY...
Begin each day with a song in your heart!
And I pity... anybody who gets in my WAY...

 

by itsclark
12-22-02
What gives?
I'm watching this hot chick on webcam!
For free? Sweet! What's she doing now?
It looks like she's baking cookies with her boyfriend!
Oh, man! Real cookies? With chewey chocolatey chip goodness?
Oh yeah, baby! You know what I like! Work it! Work it!

 

by itsclark
12-27-02
What is in these packages?
Excuse me?
WHAT IS IN THESE TWO PACKAGES POSTMARKED FOR OVERSEAS SHIPMENT!?!
Um-uh... Just some Anthrax and Chemi-kill!
It was a music CD, you see.
Tough break! Why don't you come over here and let Bubba make it all better.

 

by itsclark
12-31-02
Remember those great hits from the 80's? They're back and better than ever on this four CD collection!
These are the heart-felt songs that touched your soul and formed the soundtrack of your memories!
Songs like "She Bop" and "I Want Candy".

 

by itsclark
12-31-02
Take... On... Me...
Take... Me... On...
I'll... Be... Gone...

 

by itsclark
12-31-02
If you wanna find all the cops, They're hanging out in the donut shop!
Thanks!
Excuse me Officer... Do you wear your sunglasses at night So you can, So you can, See the light that's right before your eyes?
??

 

by itsclark
1-04-03
Midgets with huge cocksXbhGYsL
That trailed off strangely. I hope whoever sent me this thoughtful E-mail offer is OK...
[tap tap] Midgets with huge...
cocksXbhGYsL
Viva la Revolucion!

 

by itsclark
1-09-03
So your supposed to be enrolled in my Surrealism workshop!
Yes. I'm late because of a scheduling error.
Go in and talk to my teaching assistant. We'll get you up to speed!
Thanks.
Quack.

 

by itsclark
1-09-03
I'm here for the animal husbandry course?
Hawt dang! C'mere Bessie; we've got ourselves a live one!
Thank you folks, and good night!
Next showing will be at 3:15!

 

by itsclark
1-11-03
Am I in the right class for my "personal developement" course?
Your LATE, you skinny miserable little freak!
But I...
Sit down and quit disrupting my class. The very sight of you makes me sick!
Now then... Who can give me the three principles of self-esteem?

 

by itsclark
1-13-03
Nietzsche is peachy.
But Sartre is smarter.
Are we highbrow yet?
I still feel like a whore.

 

by itsclark
1-16-03
So your saying, its yuor own insecurty that causes you to react to woman teh way that you do!
Yes! Dont you see? I realy loev you. I just hav troble finding the propper way to express my inermost feelings towards you!
Reely?
NO! Not reely, you fuking bitch of a hoar!

 

by itsclark
1-16-03
Cmer, yuo! Its nucnoncenptull sechs teim!
I'm sorry, I didn't really get all that. Could you perhaps rephrase?
I syad coem heer yo fockneg btich ova hoear!! Im gnoin to teiyuo opnadgo cavmen onyur ars!
Ah.
I think he's Welsh.

 

by itsclark
2-10-03
How would you like to buy me a drink?
*Glug* *Glug*
KER-TRANS-FORM!
*Glug* *Glug*
Well?
Bartender -- one for the lady!

 

by itsclark
2-12-03
You know, I only drink to make other people more interesting!
Tsk! -- A textbook example of what psychologists call "projection".
You actually drink in order to find temporary, numbing relief from your *own* multitudinous failings as a human being.
That's not... Hey! Where the fuck did you go?

 

by itsclark
2-14-03
May I borrow a stapler, Max?
Sorry. I need it for this network uptime analysis.
GIVE ME THE GODDAMN STAPLER OR I WILL TAKE IT BY FORCE!
How are those steroids working out for you, by the way?
I gained three pounds yesterday!

 

by itsclark
2-17-03
Can you use a little of that hocus pocus to make chicks talk to me?
I want to be God's gift to women -- the one thing they can't stand to be without!

 

by itsclark
2-17-03
I want to be a rich and famous movie star!
...other than "Mini-Me".
No take-backs.

 

by itsclark
2-18-03
I've been wandering this desert for days. Please... I must have water!
Only on one condition: Upon death, your soul belongs to me!
I agree. Anything! Just...

 

by itsclark
2-18-03
Genie, some things are going to have to start changing around here!
How do you mean, Master?
For starters, I demand sexual gratification in a style of my choosing, twice daily!
Oh, but Master, I do not think that...
Then I'm loaning you out to Major Heely for some three-way action with you and the base fluzy. I owe him a favor!

 

by itsclark
3-31-03
Attention unit 2: Recommend you complete life support repairs with alacrity.
Relax. I've just finished de-icing the air exchange module.
The air exchange module is on the other side of the station. *MMMM* These carbon based units no longer function.
It appears your faulty cognitive circuits have cost us the lives of another crew.
What? Who's Doublenutz?

 

by itsclark
4-01-03
I still don't get it. A planet where apes evolved from men? There has to be an answer out there somewhere.
Don't look for it, Bright Eyes. You may not like what you find.
They blew it up. You bastards! You finally blew it all to hell.
The best White Castle in Jersey City! And that used to be Lou's Liquer Emporium!
Statue pretty.

 

by itsclark
4-02-03
Who's Doublenutz?
I am. My gang and I are the fiercest desperados this side of the Rio Grande!
I've come to take you all in.
You surprise me, Marshall. Word has it you've gone soft!
I mean I've come to take you inside the house! I mean, what with you hiding out on my property and the weather fixin' to rain.
Will there be pie?

 

by itsclark
4-02-03
So your wife doesn't want my gang of desperados hiding out on your ranch anymore?
I know some folks say I've gone soft on crime. But I'm still the Marshal around here and I have to put my foot down!
That's too bad. Your daughter *loves* us, if you know what I mean!
I know! That's what makes this so hard.
I like you, Marshal! I think I'll kill you last.
Please, just go! I can't stand these long goodbyes.

 

by itsclark
4-02-03
So you see, I really think Satan has alot to offer a young person such as yourself!
Tell you what -- I'll leave you my number. There's a little introductory black mass next Thursday. Nothing fancy!
There'll be a brief, "getting to know you" orgy, and if you have any household pets to bring as offerings that would be great!
Can I bring a covered dish instead?

 

by itsclark
4-02-03
I'd like to talk to you about a faith that has brought lasting joy to my heart, and one that can bring unity to a troubled world.
It centers on a figure recognized by Christian, Jews, and Moslems alike as a leader of men.
His name is Satan, and I urge you to let him into your heart today.
Please? I'll bring *ice cream*.

 

by itsclark
4-02-03
So here I am, alone on my ship, light years away from earth, engines dead thanks to an ion storm, and no chance of rescue whatsoever.
Oh well. Might as well enter cryogenic suspension...

 

by itsclark
4-02-03
I don't understand it at all. I've worked hard to put myself "out there"!
I've lent my image to everything from fishing lures to hockey teams, but the public just doesn't take me seriously anymore.
Maybe you should consider an image make-over. You *can* assume any form!
I know, but that just isn't me anymore. I've got to be accepted on my own terms!
At least lose the beard. You look like a #%$@ French waiter!

 

by itsclark
4-13-03
Alright, listeners! Welcome back to the Dungeon of Darkness. Listen or die!
I'm your host, Max Overkill. And as usual, we've got only the heaviest death metal and thrash for your listening enjoyment!
Pssst... Read the live plug!
Oh... yeah! Brought to you by Skittles bite-sized candy. Taste the Rainbow.
...of Darkness!

 

by itsclark
4-20-03
Siddhartha has been sitting under that fig tree for ages!
Haven't you heard? Someone just told me Ol' Sid has finally made his big breakthrough!
You mean he has attained enlightenment?
Yep. Why don't you go over there and ask him about it?
Everything is bullshit!

 

by itsclark
4-21-03
Buddha, why do you challenge the wisdom of the priestly class? I think you're just jealous!
Jealous? Ha! Let me tell you something...
In order to be jealous, I would first have to have ambitions of my own. I have no ambitions, therefore no jealousy!
That's pretty deep.
It is? Shit -- somebody write it down before I forget it!

 

by itsclark
4-22-03
So Buddha... What does it feel like to be enlightened?
Well, you know how it is. Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.
I really should establish a priesthood to chop wood and carry water for me.

 

by itsclark
4-22-03
Buddha, so far I'm not hearing anything that provides answers to our day-to-day problems!
Such as..?
For example, what are your thoughts on the issue of human suffering?
Suffering's cause is attachment to desire. It ceases when that attachment ceases. All of this is explained in my book, "The 8-fold Path to Freedom".
But isn't that something of a tautology? I mean, naturally if you don't care about something then you can't be hurt by...
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! I'M NOT LISTENING! LA-LA-LA-LA!

 

by itsclark
4-23-03
I'm sorry, but we have to let you go.
You're kidding, right?
As you know, we already cut corporate officer salaries by 0.09% last year. There's nothing left to do but lay off 400 technicians.
Then forget you, man! I'm sure there are plenty of jobs out there for someone with my experience!
And just yesterday, I repaired the Frosty machine and scored "Employee of the Week"!
Yeah -- are my fries going to be up soon? I've got a corner office now and I like to get back in time to admire the sunset.

 

by itsclark
4-28-03
Welcome to Last Chance Dating Service! How may I help you?
My name is Stick Jones. I'm here to pick up the results of my compatibility survey!
Ah, yes. I have your file right here!
This is a list of local pet shops.
It seems "iguana" is your perfect match.

 

by itsclark
4-29-03
Rejected comic contest ideas:
Make a comic about why you hate foreigners!
Your favorite "Family Circle" using stripcreator characters.
The lighter side of land mines.
The secret life of sawdust.
Hegel's Dialectic, a critique in three panels.
A fan fiction series for "Swept Away".

 

by itsclark
4-29-03
Worst things to say to an assassin:
You don't wanna shoot me. I know people!
I'm talkin' about "made guys". Big name players!
Yeah? Like who?
Well, um... there's this one guy Boinky! He makes an online comic called "Shape Factory".

 

by itsclark
4-30-03
Movies we'd like to see:
Girls Gone Wilder -- LAURA INGALLS Wilder!
More movies we'd like to see:
Faces of Death VIII: Telemarketing Accidents.
Instant IQ test:
Honey, which should we rent? "A Beautiful Mind" or "Jackass the Movie?"

 

by itsclark
5-01-03
Worst thing to say to an assassin:
Go ahead and shoot. I'll catch the bullet in my teeth!
Hobbies for the invulnerable:
Go ahead and shoot. I'll catch the bullet in my teeth!
Instant IQ test:
Go ahead and shoot. I'll catch the bullet in my teeth!

 

by itsclark
5-06-03
Alright, metalheads! That was Cannibal Corpse with "Hammer-Smashed Face".
That was a Mother's Day request for Sid working the late shift at Alpo. Let's go to the hotline!
Hey man, you guys suck! You should play some GOOD stuff!
Big brother is trying to do a radio show here, Johnny. When YOU get a show, you can play all the Eminem you want!
I'm on the air? Woot! Johnny Jay all up in your shit, bitch! Shout out to all my peeps!

 

by itsclark
5-18-03
Mark well my anguish, Royal Fool! By kidney stones am I sore afflicted, and greatly in need of levity.
For such an ill, laughter is the best of medicines, my lord! Especially when washed down with a quart of cranberry juice. *Honk Honk*!
Your jaws gape and gibber, yet I laugheth not. Make haste to amuse, knave, for my torment is great.
Um, rotor turbines?
Hark, what light on yonder window breaks?

 

by itsclark
5-18-03
Mark me, Hamlet! I could a tale unfold whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy blood...
make thy two eyes, like stars, start from thier spheres...
and each hair to stand on end like quills upon the fretful porcupine!
You watched me pass that kidney stone, didn't you!

 

by itsclark
7-12-03
I know it was you who killed Master Toku, and I have come to deliver final justice!
Then let us do battle! I shall open with a three stage attack, each step of which I shall fully explain so that you may understand the hopelessness of your situation.
A worthy strategy, but useless! For even as you plotted Toku's demise, I practiced the Iron Claw technique under Master Ketsu. Observe how the muscles of my right forearm tense to strike!
A bluff! But no matter -- I shall counter you Iron Claw with my Fist of Deflection, for even now I prepare to spring tiger-like from my stance of Whirlwind Retribution.
A futile gesture! For I have prepared the Invincible Counter-Strike, and have already defeated you in my mind!
As I have defeated you! Beware, for in the next action-packed hour of "Ronin Horuki", we shall trade actual blows!

 

by itsclark
7-21-03
*knock* *knock*
Excuse me sir! Have you received the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
How would you like me to kill you?
I can see I've caught you at a bad moment. I'll return some other time.
No you don't understand. I'm GOING to kill you, I'm just asking you how you want me to do it!

 

by itsclark
7-22-03
My friends; Sodomites are defying God's will, and will be judged accordingly. It says right here in the Book of... Erk! My Heart! *gasp*
What? What am I doing here? There must be some mistake!
No mistake. This is where all the self-righteous, bible-beating pricks end up.
But I've been so faithful. I can't believe God would punish me like this!
He isn't, you idiot! He's punishing ME!

 

by itsclark
7-22-03
What? Where am I? Who are you?
I am Hela, Norse goddess of death. This is Nifleheim, a realm of eternal darkness and cold.
But... But why am I here?
Because you choked to death on a cinnamon bagel instead of dying in glorious battle! Now you shall never see Valhalla.
But I am a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ!
Oh, he's with the other carpenters slaving to build my Ship of Doom. Shall I tell him you're coming?

 

by itsclark
7-30-03
And what kind of balloon animal would you like, little girl?
How 'bout a pony?
(scritchy scritchy scritchy)
What? I suppose you could do better?

 

by itsclark
7-30-03
And what kind of balloon animal would you like to see?
I want to see you make an elephant!
(scritchy scritchy scritchy)
You know, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you. (snicker)
Hey! How'd you like one of my size 27 shoes up your ass?

 

by itsclark
7-30-03
What do you want?
I came to see balloon monkey!
One balloon monkey coming right up! (scritchy scritchy)
You not have to bother! I already see! Ha Ha Ha Ha!
!

Showing page 5.

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