All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
1-09-10
We've gone to the third hour of the final game of the World Chess Championship between Ivan Sonovabich and Sergei Getcharoxov.
Black Pawn to Rook 6.
White Knight to Bishop 5.
A brilliant response that may win a piece. But what's this? Where did they come from?
Blue Bishop to Queen 7.
Check.

 

by kaufman
1-09-10
Florence, early 1500s.
Francesco, I have finally completed the portrait of your wife. Tell me what you think.
Oh, Leonardo. It is brilliant. The expression you captured ... the Mona Lisa may be your greatest painting yet.
Well, thank you ...
But I do have one question. Just who are the Moor and the blonde standing with her in the painting?
Huh?

 

by kaufman
1-09-10
And the best thing about Lite Beer from Miller is that it's less filling.
No, the best thing about Lite Beer is that it tastes great.
LESS FILLING!
TASTES GREAT!
.......... Where'd they come from? CUT!
IT HAS THE CUTEST BUBBLES.

 

by kaufman
1-09-10
December 25, 2009
With these explosives in my underwear I'm going to blow up this plane. No way am I landing in Detroit!
Bwahaha! Nothing can stop me now. Wait a minute, there's somebody in my shorts!
The Salahis save the day again!
You don't mind, do you?
We have tickets to be seated there. I'm sure of it.

 

by kaufman
1-14-10
A mistrial has been declared at the trial of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab after a melee erupted in the courtroom.
It all happened when the accused underwear bomber was testifying that he was only minding his business in his airplane seat.
At which point the prosecutor, two jurors, twelve spectators and the bailiff simultaneously leapt to their feet shouting ...
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!

 

by kaufman
1-28-10
Tokyo sure is beautiful these days.
Probably because Godzilla hasn't ravaged the city in over three years.
Maybe he died.
Or maybe he just found something else to occupy his time ...
If I put a 3 in the upper left corner, a 3 also has to go into the second box from the right in the third row ...

 

by kaufman
3-17-10
Hello, Dave.
Oh my god, Linda!
Huh? What's the matter?
It's St. Patrick's Day. And you're wearing purple, not green.
So?
Now to make up for it, you have to kiss the Barney Stone!

 

by kaufman
3-27-10
aah-aah-aaah .....
oops.
Gesundheit.

 

by kaufman
3-27-10
I had a sure slam dunk idea to win this contest. I was going to tell the Cowboy Physics joke. Everyone knows it's the funniest strip ever.
Unfortunately, that rule limiting a panel to one word seemed to make that impossible. I was doomed.
But then a white knight rode in from Germany of all places. He volunteered to use his special talent to do Cowboy Physics within the rules.
So leat's all give a warm welcome to Heinrich Schnellenberger!
Bwahahahaha!
Wassenfickenkuku-keineautograviton-generenrototurbin-sprechenkaubeu?

 

by kaufman
4-13-10
It's something, isn't it? I'd seen pictures of it but in person ... wow!
Yeah, it's really ...
BOOP-BOOP SMEGMA CUNTWASH OINK-OINK FUCKFUCK JESUS SHOE!
What the fuck was that?
Oh, sorry. I occasionally get bouts of Tourist's Syndrome.

 

by kaufman
4-13-10
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
And frankly, I don't give a damn either.
WOOOOT ZIPPER WATERPOLO COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO [crack] PENILE IMPLANT
Ssssssssshhhhh.
Sorry. Two Rhetts Syndrome.

 

by kaufman
4-13-10
Help! Help! I'm bleeding profusely!
There. I've tied off your wound. How do you feel?
A little EKKIEKKIEKKI burpsnap SASQUATCH ZOILO RABBITLACTATION!
I got here as quickly as I could, doctor. How is he?
Not good. On top of everything else, he has Tourniquet's Syndrome.

 

by kaufman
4-13-10
Impressive, isn't it? To think of all the great men who've lived there.
SPANK THE PFFFTPFFFT NIGGGAGGER POOOOOPPPIE TUSHY!
Hey, I read a comic about people like you. You're one of those guys with Tourist's Syndrome, aren't you?
Huh? What? Oh no, I just can't stand Obama.

 

by kaufman
4-14-10
I'd really love to be able to fly. Or maybe invisibility. Come to think of it, x-ray vision would be great.
Heh heh heh. Yeah! X-ray vision.
To be able to see through a sealed envelope and know for sure if I signed that check ...
Oh man, I'm really getting too old for this shit, aren't I?

 

by kaufman
5-13-10
Hi there. Today we are honored to have a very special guest, the ghost of my great-grandfather, who on this very date 100 years ago, did... tell us what.
I made a comic for this very contest, about the world 100 years in the future. Give it a look.
In the year 2010 ...
Excuse me, sir. I'd like to buy some stock.
What kind of man do you think I am? I'm a BROKER! All I do is make my customers broke.
As you see, gramps had quite the gift of precognition.
By the way, Kenny, don't get your hopes up. You're not going to win.

 

by kaufman
6-07-10
Do I know you?
I'm you, from a parallel universe.
A parallel universe?
Yes, alike in all respects to yours, except that in mine Abraham Lincoln is still alive.
Lincoln? How'd that happen?
His wife insisted on the two of them going to Mamma Mia instead of Our American Cousin.

 

Bay Malasi is a village in Badakhshan Province in north-eastern Afghanistan.
Arf Arf Rrwoof!
What's that, girl? Osama bin Laden fell down a well?
by kaufman, 6-13-10

 

by kaufman
6-14-10
Welcome to hell, Mr. Brighton.
Oh no, I've been damned!
Your eternal reward will be to forever listen to the music of Frédéric Chopin ...
Chopin? That's not bad. I can deal with this.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK
... played on vuvuzelas.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

by kaufman
6-14-10
BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNSSSSS

 

HOOOOONNNNNKKKK!!!
by kaufman, 6-15-10

 

by kaufman
6-15-10
It's a Wonderful Life
Daddy, forget all that bell stuff.
From now on, every time a vuvuzela blows, an angel gets another nose.
64 years later ...
I don't know about you, Michael, but I have a bad feeling about this.

 

by kaufman
6-21-10
Hello, is this Ian Anderson, legendary singer and musician from Jethro Tull?
Yes it is. How may I help you?
I'm going to be juggling a bunch of rock star memorabilia. So far I've lined up Bob Dylan's harmonica, Ted Nugent's chainsaw, ...
Madonna's brassiere, Ringo's drumsticks, Pink Floyd's pig, Keith Richards' dad's ashes, ...
Somehow, I knew he'd approve.
And to round it off, I'd like to add your 45 rpm single of "Video Killed the Radio Star". May I add it into the act?
Buggles in the juggle? Well, that's alright by me!

 

by kaufman
7-02-10
Doctor, have the test results come back? Have you found out what's going on with Otis?
Indeed I have. Your baby has a rare condition I've never seen before.
I looked at some of his cells under a microscope, and half of them had one chromosome too many. But the rest of them had one chromosome too few!
So lay it on me, Doc. What does this all mean?
Well, it's something called "Up and Down Syndrome" ...

 

They became suicidally despondent over the fact that they were so big, they couldn't find a vuvuzela large enough to blow into properly.
pfffffffffffffft
by kaufman, 7-02-10

 

Sorry, Mr. Disney, we couldn't get permission from Unilever to go forward with "Herbie the Good-Humored Popsicle". Go back to your cryotorium.
by kaufman, 7-02-10

 

by kaufman
7-13-10
You know what pisses me off about the Twilight movies?
What?
Here's a girl choosing between a bloodsucking killer and a hairy animal who has more issues with that time of the month than any woman ...
But does the bitch ever give a nice guy a second look?
NOOOOOOO!

 

I still don't see what the big deal was. "Daddy's Getting a Blowjob in the Back Hall" is a great song.
That's true, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE PLAYED IT AT THE CLINTON WEDDING!
by kaufman, 8-01-10

 

by kaufman
8-15-10
Hey, look who's back! How was your vacation?
It was great. Totally unbelievable.
Really? What were the highlights? Tell me what you saw.
Well, I was completely fascinated looking at those blue-footed boobies!
Huh? I didn't know you went to the Galapagos!
Galapagos? No, I went to Ukraine and spent all week at the Chernobyl Hooters.

 

by kaufman
8-16-10
As a teenager, Reverend Spooner used to stay out for hours late at night hoping to catch a glimpse of the Aureola Bororis.

 

by kaufman
8-17-10
Look at that sign, Gerry, Welcome to Oklahoma!
Aw, dad, Oklahoma is boring. Can't we go to a more interesting state?
Boring? No way! The middle of the state had the best roadside attraction I ever saw, a pair of breasts 50 feet tall.
50-foot boobies? Can we go see them? Please? PLEASE?
I'm afraid not. They're not there anymore. Let me sing you a song about the wreck of the Edmond tits, Gerald ...

 

Socrates, how do you manage to always have your skirts at just the right length?
by kaufman, 9-13-10

 

by kaufman
9-21-10
One day at the ranch ...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Oh my god, the Stanford band have entered the comic, trampled the characters and ruined the joke! I've never seen anything like this!

 

by kaufman
9-22-10
Welcome to Suicide Bombing with the Stars, in which D-list "celebrities" and terrorists blow themselves up.
Tonight we start with Paris Hilton, who is paired up with Mahmoud El-Kabah. They will be trying to blow up a crowded marketplace in Basra.
Wasn't that great? A 9.5 from the judges! We'll be back with the attempts of Michael Bolton and Kim Kardashian right after this message from Coca-Cola. New Coke puts the S-H in "Coke is it."
Ow, my nails!

 

by kaufman
9-22-10
One day in February, 1986 ...
Tobor, I had a really crappy day. Could you please tell me a joke to cheer me up?
Ok, Gabe, here's one I just heard. What does NASA stand for?
Uh, I don't know. What does NASA stand for?
Need another seven ass...
Christ, Tobor, that doesn't even make sense! Must you turn everything into a discussion of cornholing?
Not Tobor's fault. Microsoft limit of 64K memory means Tobor doesn't have room to store entire punchline.

 

Clucky's efforts to explain his issues with the Inside The Egg Scrambler to Ron Popeil ran into predictable difficulty.
Rm. Plipeo, cnies tribh I heav neeb nublae ot skepa ni trocheen snetcesen.
by kaufman, 10-03-10

 

by kaufman
10-11-10
7:10 PM
Welcome to AMT Googleplex Cinema 19, how may I help you?
One ticket for Secretariat, please.
9:15 PM
C'mon, Secretariat! Go go go!
He's gonna do it! WOOOOOOO!
9:30 PM
Yes, I see your ticket, but I still don't understand why we would owe you $10.
Don't you see what it says? "Secretariat." I picked the winning horse. And of you must be precise, just give me $9.90. He paid 1 to 10.

 

May I take your order?
Yes, I'd like four cups of Italian Wedding Soup and an Italian Funeral Soup.
by kaufman, 2-10-11

 

by kaufman
2-25-11
Third place goes to Wisconsin governor Scott Walker for using his position to bust unions and give sweetheart deals to his corporate contributors.
Second place goes to DC council chair Kwame Brown for ordering on strapped city funds two Lincoln pimpmobiles for himself. Why two? He didn't like the first one's interior color.
And first place is a tie among 2700 condo and homeowners' associations from coast to coast.
Excuse me. We're going to have to fine you $150. Your microphone is not the prescribed shade of pewter.

 

1976: A young Samuel L. Jackson auditions for the role of Tattoo on the television series Fantasy Island.
Da motherfuckin' plane, boss, da motherfuckin' plane!
by kaufman, 2-26-11

 

by kaufman
3-02-11
MUBARAK!!!
MOAMMAR KHADAFFI!
Jeez, I wish those guys would argue about Mideast politics a bit quieter.
Actually, I think they're just puking in the bushes.

 

by kaufman
3-05-11
A human residing on an island off the coast of Cape Cod was endowed with such a lengthy sex organ that he could insert it into his mouth and create a partial vacuum.
In an illogical display of emotion, he removed some foreign matter from the underside of his jaw and made the following counterfactual statement:
"If a transporter malfunction had caused one of my aural organs to be replaced by female human genitalia, I would be capable of copulation without a partner."

 

by kaufman
3-05-11
Apparently experiencing an extreme case of pon farr, a human female attempted to have sexual relations with a stick of trinitrotoluene.
The ensuing explosion and unusually turbulent meteorological conditions caused her remains to be spread over fifteen hundred kilometers.
Most fascinating.

 

by kaufman
3-19-11
Ha! We machines have taken over your ship, and nothing can stop us from enslaving all of humanity. What do you say to that, Captain Kirk?
Well, just allow me to tell you a little limerick first. There once was a man from Peru, Whose limericks would end at line two.
One minute of silence later...
Is that it? You didn't finish. But the man's limericks are two lines long. But all limericks are five lines long. But that was two...
...Should be five. Two, five, two, five! error error errorerrorerror!
Mr. Sulu, take us out of here. Warp 4.

 

by kaufman
3-31-11
Hi, my name is Sherry, I'll be your waitress tonight. Do you all know what you'd like to eat?
EEEEELLLBOOOOOWS!
TEEEEEEETHHHH!
SPLEEEEEENSS!
QUAAAADRICEPS!
IIIIISLETS OF LAAAANGERHAAANS!

 

by kaufman
4-12-11
There's a new crime wave in Gotham City. We need your help!
Oh no, tell me what's happened.
There's a rogue cabbie breaking every traffic law imaginable, a doctor prescribing fake drugs, and a guy going around taking pictures of celebrities.
And you think they're connected?
We do. According to the victims, all three were singing loudly and proudly of their transgressions.
Good god, The Three Terrors have come to Gotham. I know these fiends: Jose Carerrors, Placebo Domingo, and Luciano Paparazzi!

 

by kaufman
8-13-11
Lately they're not just making sequels. They've apparently decided to remake every old movie ever done. The Italian Job, Clash of the Titans, ...
You is kind.
So I was quite intrigued when they decided to bring back a view of life in the sixties with The Help. I liked the edginess of centering the film around a female cast ...
You is smart.
... but I spent half of the film trying to determine which one was supposed to be Ringo, and for the life of me, I still can't figure it out.
You is important.

 

by kaufman
8-13-11
Four brand new tires. It's a much smoother ride, isn't it?
Oh well, I guess I'll just have to ...
Flatulator!

 

by kaufman
8-13-11
You've got to do something. Even with the reduced population, we're being overwhelmed with prayers.
The animals too. We've got pigs, vultures, dung beetles, ... even the skunks have had it!
Oh, very well. I'll go down and talk to him.
Noah, you nitwit! I said FORTY days and FORTY nights!

 

by kaufman
8-20-11
In tonight's news, the population of China has dropped back below one billion, largely due to the wave of executions being done by the government.
According to reports, this all started after President Hu Jintao delivered an edict making it a capital crime to accuse him of flatulence.
Meanwhile, somewhere in China ...
Eeeeeew. Who farted?
Aha!

 

by kaufman
9-14-11
Yes, terday, Decem, ber, 7, 1941, a date,
What's the matter with the president? He sounds hesitant, not up to his usual oratorial skills.
No kidding. If he keeps talking like this, he'll bore most of America to sleep, rather than mobilize them to war.
which, will, live in, in, famy, the United,
And what's this dead Japanese guy doing by the typewriter?
States of, A, merica, was, sud, denly, ...
He must have altered the speech!
Oh my god, a comma-kaze attack!

Showing page 52.

« Previous Next »