All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
1-22-19
Spock! I just heard this contest is going to be decided by a random number generator! I need to know a lucky number so we can win.
Captain, with all due respect, it is illogical to think of numbers as lucky. Besides, I am quite busy right now. Dr. McCoy asked me to improve a Christmas song.
Well, is there a number in that song I can use or something?
Very well, Captain. The number is 5,878,625,373,183.6
Five trillion, eight hundred what? What the hell carol is that from?
On the 5,878,625,373,183.6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 5,878,625,373,183.6 miles in a light year, 5,878,...

 

by kaufman
2-10-19
Huh?
Wait a minute!
You're not wearing a bunny suit. Does that mean that you don't need to wear one to keep the aliens from making you want to kill yourself?
And you're not wearing a clown suit. I was going to ask you the same thing. I think we've been had.
Hey, do you think we ought to tell the blindfolded family over there that there's really nothing to worry about?
Naaaaaaah.

 

by kaufman
2-13-19
This episode was scheduled to air on November 24, 1963.
Arf! Arf Arf. Rrrrruff!
What's that, Lassie?
Arf Arf Arf. Rarararrr!
Timmy stole a rifle from my gun cabinet and hooked the trigger to a timer?
For some reason, CBS never broadcast it, and destroyed the tapes
Ruff rufff! RRRRRarrrf!
And went to Texas and left it on a grassy knoll, ready to go off midday Friday? I'm going to have to have a talk with that boy.

 

tahT !dwag ym hO ym detalfed nhoj !stnalpmi
Oh my gawd! That john deflated my implants!
by kaufman, 2-23-19

 

by kaufman
3-28-19
Welcome to Disney World, the HAPPYest place on earth. We're proud to have you here, Ted.
Wait a minute, that's my line.
Huh?
I'm Walt Disney, and you're Ted Williams. And I'd like to welcome YOU here.
Oh, sorry, Walt. Brain freeze, I guess.

 

by kaufman
6-10-19
Do you have any fours?
Go Fish!

 

by kaufman
7-03-19
In other news, auto executive Lee Iacocca has died at age 94.
Iacocca is credited with bringing Chrysler back from the brink during the 1980s.
His family released a short statement: "If you can find a better corpse, bury it."

 

by kaufman
8-04-19
Want some candy?
Sure.
What do you think?
Ewwwwwww! This tastes like monkey brains!
Well, of course it does. These are Rhesus Pieces.

 

by kaufman
8-04-19
Y'know, Dave, you'll probably do a lot better if you hit the ball with an actual golf club, instead of that guitar.
You're missing the point, Bob. It's so beautiful here in Tehran, I want to be out on the course all day. If I shoot 500, so what?
Ok, whatever you s... hey, where'd you go?
Mr. President! I just heard another tanker was lost in the Persian Golf.
Great. I'll go on Twitter and blame it on immigrants.

 

by kaufman
8-12-19
........ 1) Give them a good meal before
having your way with them.
2) Don't skimp on the foreplay!

 

by kaufman
9-19-19
I usually love the food at this place, but it's bland and tasteless tonight.
I was just thinking that. Hang on wait a minute ...
... There. Have a taste now.
Ah. Much better. What did you do?
Sorry, my fault. I had my phone in Airplane Mode.

 

by kaufman
12-30-19
Dinosaurs will walk the earth.
Barbarians will overrun the Roman Empire.
What are you doing? This is supposed to be predictions for the upcoming decade.
Sorry, man, I guess I just don't have 20- 20 vision.

 

by kaufman
3-17-20
I stepped out on the first garbage day since the lockdown. It was surreal. A desolate street, with neatly lined up trash and recycling in front of each house.
Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

 

by kaufman
3-26-20
Hello, Mildred.
Hi Sue, how are you doing?
hanging in there, but going a bit stir-crazy. You?
Just wonderful. My best day in ages!
Really? How come?
Those kids down the street TPed my yard last night.

 

by kaufman
4-24-20
Hey everyone, I've got an idea. Inject yourself with bleach. It will protect you from the covfefid-19 virus.
Oh no, Uncle Ernie has died of the coronavirus. What will I do with him?
Just drop him in the washing machine, and your clothes will come out whiter than white.
Gee, thanks, Mr. President!

 

by kaufman
5-19-20
We are the essential workers risking our health to keep you alive during this COVID-19 outbreak.
We are the hospital workers, grocery store workers, drivers, restaurant workers, public safety officers, everyone needed to keep society working.
Unfortunately, there just isn't enough PPE to protect us. They can't give us a bunch of N-95 masks.
It really sucks, doesn't it? We do this critical work, and there is no equipment to keep us safe.
So instead, we've been wearing these masks, and it turns out they're even more effective.
Because who in their right mind would want to get within six feet of any of us?

 

by kaufman
5-27-20
Doctor, did I see you treating Mary Poppins this morning?
Yes, that was her. In the flesh!
You're kidding. What was wrong with her?
All sorts of things. Abdominal pain, shortness of breath, dryness, nausea, sliding up banisters, continually needing to pee, ...
Were you able to diagnose her?
Yes. It's supercalifragilisticketoacidosis!

 

by kaufman
6-28-20
Kim pitches to Lee ... It's a hard grounder to the right side -- through for a base hit.
The ball takes a crazy bounce and lands inside the right fielder's jersey. He can't get it out! Lee's gunning for third and heading for home.
Here's the throw ... SAFE! I don't believe what I just saw! An Inside-the-Park Home Run!

 

by kaufman
7-19-20
Vlad, it's me, how are you doing?
Fine, Donya, how about you?
Doing great. Our coronavirus negligence has killed off 130,000 Americans so far. Aren't you going to send me my bounty?
Da! Absolutely, odryakhlevshiy. It will be on its way this week!
September, 2020, after another devastating hurricane ...
People of Puerto Rico, I have good news! This time I have a quarter million rolls of paper towels!

 

by kaufman
11-06-20
There's no doubt about it. This man has been murdered!
But that's impossible. This room was locked. No one could have gotten in.
Maybe the killer was in here with him.
That can't be. The only other person in here was chained up in a padlocked box, underwater in a tank welded shut.
Hmmmmmm ... Looks like we have a real Houdunnit here.

 

by kaufman
11-10-20
Hello there, ladies and gentlemen! I'm happy to be announcing the reelection of the president.
Now some of you may be wondering what I'm doing at a garden shop in the dingiest part of town, next to an adult book store and a crematorium.
Well, shit, if you know me, the first part ought to be obvious, and as for the second, think of it as a reminder that Donald Trump urned your votes!

 

by kaufman
11-25-20
Tell me, Cthulhu, how come are you all dastardly and criminal, but you're still universally beloved? Why can't that be me?
It's all in the wrist, Donnie.
The wrist? But you don't even have wrists. You just use your tentacles for everything.
Learn from the contradiction, wifehopper.
It came to pass that eventually, Donnie-san was enlightened.

 

by kaufman
11-29-20
Go away, I want to be alone.
Oh wow, you're a sight for sore eyes!
Robinson Crusoe was alone for years on a deserted island until he came upon Black Friday.
Hey, I'd like that 72" tv. Could you grab it for me?

 

by kaufman
1-17-21
Sing Free Me!
FREEE MEEEEEEEEE!
We want Free Me!

 

So tell me, why do you want to work for McDonald's? What is it about you that will make us want to hire you?
Well, if there's one thing I've been good at since the day I was born, it's turning food into shit.
by kaufman, 2-08-21

 

YesLordVaderIDidTheWashAndMaybeIDidThrowItInWithTheBleachableWhites ButWhat'sTheBigDealIt'sOnlyAHelmetAndWhyAreYouDrawingMeInSoCloseAnd ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
by kaufman, 2-20-21

 

by kaufman
2-20-21
How's it going, Bob?
How do you think? No power, no heat, no internet. The worst thing is I can't even take a shit.
Burst pipes, no running water, huh?
It's not that, Clem. The problem is,, ...
My asshole's in Cancun.

 

by kaufman
3-31-21
How you doing, Bob? Spare me a buck?
No!
But you always do. What turned you into such a miser today?
Earlier ...
So which do you want? The Moderna or the Pfizer?
I can afford it. Give me both!

 

by kaufman
5-05-21
That one looks interesting. Let's go read it.
Ok.
Here lies Thor Fnordsson, the famous biathlete.
When it came to his skiing, no one was half as fleet.
But as for the guns, he was not quite so sharp. It ...
...seems he didn't know which end points toward the target.

 

by kaufman
5-20-21
.sdrawkcab tuo gnimoc si gnihtyrevE .rotaercpirts htiw melborp a s'ereht ,iH
.toober ti tel dna ,sdnoces 03 tiaw ,ti gniggulpnu yrT

 

by kaufman
6-06-21
EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
There's a phaser on overload on this ship! Everybody take cover, brace yourself, prepare for explosion!
EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
Uh, never mind. I guess that's just the cicadas on Deck 7.

 

EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
Mommy, why is Marmaduke so big?
Susie, if you ate 5,741,698 cicadas, you'd be huge too.
by kaufman, 6-06-21

 

by kaufman
6-06-21
EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
What art thou doing, Mr. Shakespeare?
Just listening to the cicadas. You know they are amazing creatures.
EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
They pop up in their teen years, fall madly in love, dance like crazy, and are dead within weeks.
EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe
Speaking of which, that gives me an idea for a play. I'll even name it after you, Romeo!

 

by kaufman
8-18-21
I will not allow you to wear any masks.
But then we'll all get sick and die!
Ho ho ho! You're all dead!
God, this movie's so bad, I just love it.
I heard you laughing out there. What were you watching?
DeSantis Conquers the Martians.

 

by kaufman
9-03-21
Trick or treat!
Trick or treat!
I got 6 Hershey's, 2 Reeses, a lollipop, 8 M&Ms and a candy apple with a razor blade in it,
And I got 3 Snickers, 5 M &Ms, 2 Hershey's, a 3 Musketeers, oh, and also an apple with a razor blade in it.
You know what this means?
WE CAN SHAVE!!!

 

by kaufman
9-17-21
I see we got the flies from Costco again

 

by kaufman
12-07-21
No, I didn't bother to watch the Super Bowl yesterday. Were there any memorable ads?
Well, there was one for a wristwatch, shot all in black and white.
At the start, you hear running water, and see a close-up of a guy's wrist, with a nice watch on it. The camera pulls back a bit, and you see he's holding a knife.
Creepy music starts; you see the knife being thrust again and again through a shower curtain. The watch gets splattered in water and blood, but it keeps ticking.
Wow! What brand of watch were they selling?
Seiko.

 

by kaufman
12-07-21
Guten Tag. Ich bin Hans Gruber. I am not a common thief.
That is why when I rob a building, I choose one with Thompson Creek windows. The painless pane.
That way, if some young cowboy happens to defenestrate me, I won't be bothered by shards of glass. It's yippie-ky-yay, all the way dow...

 

by kaufman
2-28-22
I'm so glad we're back to a normal Mardi Gras this year.
I dunno, it just wasn't the same for me.
What do you mean not the same? The parades, the floats, the crowds, the booze ...
The chicks who flash their boobs at you when you toss them beads ...
IT'S NOT THE SAME WHEN THEY HAVE N95S ON THEIR TITS!

 

by kaufman
3-12-22
... but I can rattle off the first thousand digits of pi in hexadecimal.
Oh yeah? I can do ten thousand in Roman numerals.
Well, on 83% of the Wordles I do, I get five greens on the first guess.
I'm impressed. I'm always just getting four greens and an orange on my first.

 

by kaufman
7-28-22
Doctor, you have to help me. I've been having sharp abdominal pain, and today I felt a growth down there.
Of course, Justice Thomas. Let's take a look. I'll run some tests and take some x-rays.
A bit later ...
Well, Doc, what did you find?
I don't know how to tell you this sir, but somehow ... you're pregnant!
PREGNANT?!? I cant carry a baby. Get that thing out of me!!!!
Sorry, man. No can do.

 

by kaufman
10-18-22
************** All of this is true, except ************** for the parts I made up. Like so many of you, I seldom left my house for over 2 years during the pandemic.
It's true I'd put on some pounds, gotten out of shape, basically turned into a slug. But when I got the call to return to the office, I didn't hesitate.
Oh man, that walk from the DC subway to the nondescript govenment building in which I worked was suddenly serious torture!
Just a few more steps. 1... 2... 3... 4... 1... 2 ...

 

by kaufman
10-18-22
As the weeks went on, I felt myself getting a little stronger, though that walk was stiill hard work. I smiled as I started my last trek home of the week.
I had to stand on the crowded Metro train until we reached a transfer station. Then I was able to slip into a newly vacated seat.
Ah.
Apparently, that wasn't comfortable enough for me, as I proceeded to almost immediately drop dead.

 

by kaufman
10-18-22
But fortune smiled upon me. An off-duty nurse was on my car, and she apparently proceeded to perform CPR and call 911.
Out of the way! I know what I'm doing.
Within minutes, the paramedics were on the scene.
We need to fix his heartbeat, Joe. Grab the defibrillator, will you?
Uh, will that help?
Who cares? It's sure to go viral on youtube.

 

by kaufman
10-18-22
Ok, that last strip is speculation pieced together after the fact, but it's definitely true that a couple days later, I came back to full consciousness.
You're in a hospital. You suffered a heart attack on the Metro. Your coronary artery is blocked. You need a triple bypass.
But don't worry. We can rebuild you. We have the technology. We can make you better, faster, stronger ...
Ah. Like the Six Million Dollar Man!
Actual price. Hooray, insurance!
Well, not quite. The list price on your stay here will only add up to about a quarter mil.
I'm being surgeried by K-Mart!

 

by kaufman
10-18-22
The surgery was successful, and my recovery is going great, or I wouldn't be here to tell this tale. But in the process, I learned something that would change everything:
Because of me alone, they had to shut down the Red Line. I did that!
For my secret superhero identity was no longer a secret.
I am ...
... CAPTAIN METROCIDE!
No longer faster than a speeding bullet, but able to stop a powerful locomotive in a single (missed) heartbeat.

 

by kaufman
10-18-22
The only problem is that DC's Metro sy
Morning, Captain.
Hello, Captain.
stem is so awful, darn near anyone ca
Good morning, Captain.
Hey, Captain.
n bring it to a halt.
How ya doing, Captain.
Can't talk. Got a train to crash.

 

by kaufman
1-06-23
Might as well check in and look at my emails ... wow, 49 of them!
MESSAGE 1: Tell us what you think about the cereal you had for breakfast today.
MESSAGE 2: A brief survey about the public restroom you recently used
Much Later ...
MESSAGE 49: Please let us know about the 48 surveys you received today

 

by kaufman
1-21-23
You look a little distracted tonight. Is everything ok?
Well, I was home this morning when a contractor who was working on our neighbors' porch cut off his thumb with a circular saw.
Ugh, and you saw it?
Yeah. I told him I'd call 9-1-1 and he said not to bother; he'd just drive to the ER himself.
He was going to drive himself?!?!
Well, of course! It wasn't like he could just hitch a ride.

 

by kaufman
2-01-23
Aha! Lassie, I've caught you alone at last. I'm going to suck your brains out. No one can help you!
Arf arf! Arf. Arf arf arf!
What's that about Timmy? Oh, great. I'd rather suck HIS brains out.
Arf arf! Arf arf!
What's that? Cthulhu's caught in a well? And you did it? Who's a good girl?

Showing page 57.

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