All comics by deathtoradio

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Super Glue was originally used to hold battlefield wounds together. Today it is used to glue shit to the faces of drunk friends.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

 

Bigfoots natural habitat is anywhere a sane person is not currently looking.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

 

Super Glue was originally used to hold battlefield wounds together. Today it is used to glue shit to the faces of people who are passed out at parties.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

 

Occasionally, Mr. T secretly envied the fool.
by deathtoradio, 7-10-10

 

by deathtoradio
7-10-10
I once got in a fight with a Canadian.
Say whaaaaat?
At least I think it was a fight.
He gave me a dirty look and then immediatly apologized.

 

by deathtoradio
7-17-10
Yep, this is definitely new land. Guess we should claim it for the queen.
What's the protocol for that again?
If my memory serves me right, I believe we pee on it. Then it's ours.
You sure about that Captain Morgan?
Seems to work out for my dog.
Just for the record, sir, you had me at "pee."

 

by deathtoradio
7-17-10
This new world certainly is located in the middle of no where.
What are you going to name it?
I'm going to name it after one of my kids.
Which one? Bumfuck or Egypt?
Fuck it. I'll name it after both of them.

 

by deathtoradio
7-19-10
A missionary tells a bunch to starving African kids "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," only to realize what a poor choice it was. Here he is explaining afterwards.
She had food, but could not eat it?
Yeah, look it was hot. You can't eat hot food, it'll burn you.
Could she not wait for it to cool down?
No, it would take too long. Nobody has that kind of time.
What's a bed?
Okay, I give up.

 

by deathtoradio
7-19-10
A new study at Harvard shows people who watch more than 5 hours to tv a day, are more proned to being incontinent.
It's almost as if they were checking my pants.

 

by deathtoradio
7-20-10
Place your bets, place your bets.
Put it all on number three!
You won 20k on roulette? You're going to share some with your best friend, right? How'd you pick the number?
Well, sometimes your wife lets me put it in her number one and sometimes in her number two. Add em together it comes out to three.
If it makes you feel any better, I was thinking of you when I did it!

 

by deathtoradio
7-22-10
Last week, archeologists in Sweden uncovered an object that looks like a penis, carved out of antler bone. Anthropoligists have come to the conclusion that the item is a stone age sex toy.
There's a Geico commercial in the making.
"It's so easy...even a Cavewoman could do it."

 

by deathtoradio
7-22-10
When you said "cock fight," I thought you meant---
What, that we were gonna get out our cocks and get all gay with each other?
Well I didn't think it meant we were gonna go watch our dinner fight someone else's dinner.
It's always about sex with you.

 

by deathtoradio
7-23-10
Good morning sweetie. Why do you look like someone killed your dog?
Well, I went to pet it and it died. Everything I touch dies.
Oh, that's too bad.
Oh it gets worse. I touched myself..."down there."
Now the dog is the least of my fucking worries.

 

by deathtoradio
7-23-10
So, this morning, Jan wanted me to go ahead and call everyone in for a meeting, after Carl told me not to.
It's like the left hand never knows what the right hand is doing around here, you know what I mean?
Ha! This coming from a guy who, suspiciously has both hands in his pockets. You make me sick.

 

by deathtoradio
7-23-10
Mmmm. You're right, that imitation crab was good.
That was my imitation of someone who likes your imitation crab.

 

by deathtoradio
7-23-10
The cow goes:
Moo
The sheep goes:
Bah bah
The human goes:
Shut the fuck up you two! I'm trying to take a nap.

 

by deathtoradio
7-23-10
Sooo, did you hear that someone hacked up a hooker and hid her body in a mattress at that seedy hotel down by the airport?
Uh, no, I hadn't heard that.
Shit! It must not be in the newspaper yet. Quick, cover your tracks and change the subject.
Did you know I was both a butcher and a mattress stuffer before I became a car salesman?

 

by deathtoradio
7-29-10
Hurray, beer!
Hurray, queer!

 

...so then I got it stuck in the hole. I had to pull hard as hell to get it out.
That's what she said.
by deathtoradio, 7-30-10

 

by deathtoradio
9-01-10
Did you hear Mikey's getting hitched? He's blowing 25k just on the wedding.
F that. I'd do a wedding for like 2k.
I'd hold both the reception and the ceremony in the church. Everyone'd get a hot dog and a six pack right in their pews.
Sounds classy.
Hell yeah. You don't even need napkins when you've got bibles.

 

I want to go to Pier 1 Imports.
I want a divorce.
by deathtoradio, 9-01-10

 

by deathtoradio
9-19-10
Well, we drank the rest of the PBR. Time for a beer run.
Are you kidding? Did you forget about the throngs of zombies that have us completely encircled?
Pfff. Don't worry about them.
Just picture them all in their underwear.

 

by deathtoradio
9-23-10
I think the zombies are getting smarter.
What makes you say that?
Well, today zombie Ed McMahon tried to entice me to open the front door by saying I won the publishers clearing house, only when I looked out the peep-hole, he wasn't holding a giant check.
Then what happened?
When I pointed out he didn't have the check, he looked embarassed. Now he's just walking around outside muttering "heeeeere's Johnny."
What a coincidence, I named my sawed-off "Johnny." It's time for a reunion.

 

by deathtoradio
10-14-10
You know what is really bugging the shit out of me right now?
Uh....all the blood, guts and horror that is this zombie clusterfuck?
No...my socks don't match.

 

by deathtoradio
10-17-10
It's been like 3 weeks and Netflix STILL hasn't shipped out the latest movies on my list.
Uh, don't you think they're busy trying to not die or something?
Pfff. Trying not to die? More like trying to not deliver the Notebook to me on time.
Ooooh, is that the one with Ryan Gosling?

 

by deathtoradio
10-21-10
I killed someone over a parking space. What'd you do to get here?
Well...it's a funny story really...
My undocumented workers wouldn't work anymore, so I thought to myself, what would Arthur Fonzarelli do?
It turns out, hitting a jukebox to get it to work and hitting a mexican to get him or her to work are both frowned upon...one more than the other.

 

by deathtoradio
5-19-11
What do you mean we can't find any donors? We're a fucking sperm bank, offering money for spunk---I can't even GIVE mine away!
I think we need a plan.
I've got it! We paint Paris Hilton's face over the entrance, and write "cum dumpster," above it.
How well could that actually work? I know you guys are filthy, stupid, horny beasts, but...
You were saying?

 

by deathtoradio
9-08-11
So...what's the deal with the salt along the bottom of the door that leads to the basement?
There's SOMETHING down there and it's not human.
Pest control situation. Gotcha.
No, you don't understand...there's SOMETHING down there.
Yeah...that's generally what basements are for. That still doesn't tell me why you decided to season the doorway with salt.
Jesus! Nevermind.

 

by deathtoradio
10-04-11
I wonder if it's going to rain today. Hey, turn on the weather channel for me.
Yeah, incase you forgot...the weather channel no longer exists. Apparently weather men stop showing up for work when the undead want to chew on them.
But if it did still exist, I'm pretty sure the forecast would just be cloudy, with a chance of zombies.

 

by deathtoradio
10-08-11
Apples!
Oranges!
Apples!
Oranges!
Cantaloupes!
Yeah, okay. We were both wrong. You're sisters tits ARE roughly the size of cantaloupes.

 

by deathtoradio
12-01-11
Oh...my...gawd! What's with the long sleeves, are you cutting again? Why would you even do that?
Hey, what if you were so close to death, that you could smell angel farts?
I wouldn't settle for anything less than god farts.
What if he had Taco Bell?

 

by deathtoradio
12-14-11
I've done it, Ben! I've done it!
Did you finally shave your balls? I told you, your wife would like it.
No! I've discovered the rebel gene! It proves that some people are more proned to rebel.
Nice.
Coincidentally, if you look at it under a microscope, it's in the shape of a middle finger.

 

by deathtoradio
12-23-11
Hi, I'm Vinnie "The Chin" Giovanni. And I'm here at the docks with my "friend," Tommy to demonstrate Acme's new Kwick Dry cement. How's it going down there Tommy?
Glub, glub glub...
Another satisfied customer!

 

by deathtoradio
12-25-11
Honey, get the plunger for me! I took a taco bell shit and this thing is plugged up tighter than a ducks ass.
Maybe you misunderstood, I said plunger---not telephone.
Babe, I said bring me a PLUNGER. This is just some random mexican dude.

 

by deathtoradio
2-12-12
What if people christened babies by smashing a bottle over them like a ship?
Well, it's a boy. Are you ready for the christening?
Just point me to the baby!
I dub thee....Brian Christopher Flannigan! Now quick, hand me the champagne bottle.
Brian Christopher Flannigan 2012-2012

 

by deathtoradio
3-08-12
Smegma---smegma---ssssmmmmeeeegggmmma.
(sucking noises)
It almost doesn't sound like a real word.
(Slurp)
Well, it tastes pretty fucking real. This isn't France, go wash your dick.

 

by deathtoradio
8-24-12
So what's the verdict?
Well, after several sessions, I think I can honestly say that you are indeed a clown and you DO have a posse...but I regret to inform you that you are perfectly sane.
Shut the front door!

 

by deathtoradio
12-18-12
So, what are you and Barb making for dinner?
We're gonna try this new thing called "Fugu."
Fugu? What the hell is that?
Oh, it's all the rage with the japanese dinosaurs. It's fish...but fish that can kill you if you don't make it right.
And you know, we have brains the size of walnuts...what's the worse that could happen?

 

by deathtoradio
12-18-12
Please, priest, how will it end?
There will be a child.
A child?
Three words: Hoonay Bee Boop.
Wait. It is becoming clearer.........Honey Boo Boo.

 

by deathtoradio
12-22-12
No FUCKING way. No way!
Way!
There is no god damn way the ghost of the crocodile hunter lives in your butthole! 1. How is he going to breathe and 2. What's he going to hunt in there?
Oh no you don't. You don't get to change the subject by transforming into a kangaroo with a gun.

 

by deathtoradio
12-26-12
Sir, what you're asking me to do is illegal.
Come on, Jerry, you just have to think outside the box.
Dude, you just have to think outside the jail cell.
Also...which finger should I insert? I'm strongly leaning towards the pinky.

 

by deathtoradio
1-22-13
Sir, can you spare some change? A ninja killed my family---I need the money for kung fu lessons.
My family was also killed by a ninja! Twas not more than 2 hours ago. Quick, which way did he go?
Uh...
Look, you better tell me where the fuck that ninja went or so help me...
Whoa, whoa...I was just kidding about my family. I just wanted some change.
What kind of a sick fuck would kid around about his family getting murdered?

 

by deathtoradio
1-23-13
Cookies!
Crackers!
Cookies!
Crackers!
You gonna let him talk to you like that?

 

by deathtoradio
1-24-13
I can't believe Shaniqua killed herself, yo. This is terrible.
:::sobbing::: I know why she did it.
What possible reason could that girl have for killin' herself?
She just couldn't get over the fact that...that...
Go on.
...after her 10th attempt, her anchovy, lima bean milksake---it still failed to bring the boys to the yard.

 

by deathtoradio
1-27-13
Gahhhhhh!!!!!
What's the matter?
A bee just stung my leg. Oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Hold still, I'll pee on it.
That's jellyfish, moron!

 

by deathtoradio
2-23-13
I was told there was a small percentage of horse meat in our lunches...which is really disappointing.
When the fuck will their be some Zebra meat in there?
I mean, how the hell else are we supposed to get our daily allowance of stripes in our diet?

 

by deathtoradio
2-27-13
Where the hell have you been all day? I thought you were just going to the store.
Yeah, sorry it took so long. The outside of the store was closed, so I couldn't get out.
The outside was closed? How does the outside close?
The store had a sign that said "open," so I went in. When I went to leave they had one that said "closed," on the door. So I couldn't leave until they changed it.
My mother warned me about blondes.

 

What if the last the last human on earth was also the last Jehovah's Witness on earth? Who would be left to annoy?
Good morning, sir. Could I have a moment of your time?
by deathtoradio, 5-14-13

 

by deathtoradio
5-24-13
You know what? I think I'm actually sick of beer. I'm gonna order one of those girly drinks.
Hah! Good luck with that one. I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
Barkeep, I'll have a sex on the beach!
Cumming right up.
What the---Where am I? What'd you put in my drink? And why does my ass hurt?
You, uh---asked for sex on the beach. That's my "specialty."

 

My hair is the same color as every blade of grass in this field. The pain... ohhh the pain!!!
Day 25 observations of the rare Green Crested Dumbass in his native habitat. Specimen appears distraught over hair. Will attempt to have sex with it later.
by deathtoradio, 6-04-13

Showing page 6.

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