All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

Profile

 

Hi Davros, how was your day? I auditioned for a new boyband by singing 'I want it that way' in a strange warbling falsetto.
I made plans to destroy the Earth with my vast army of robots. We're going to capture all humans, liquefy their bodies and feed the remains into the meat pods to create an evil race of mutants.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You didn't really sing 'I want it that way', did you? That's just sick.

 

So you're trying for comic 55555 then?
Yeah. I figure it's more worthwhile than doing actual work.
And are you going to be paid a bonus or anything if you do get 55555?
No. Although if I'm caught I'll probably get the sack.
The sack, eh? You sure it's worth the risk?
One hand on CTRL-ALT-DELETE at all times. Listen for boss noises... must make comics...

 
It's quiet...
Too quiet... They're up to something.

 

You're almost at comic 300. Wouldn't it be great if your 300th comic was number 55555?
But that would mean posting less comics and running the risk of not getting it.
Oooh the dilemma! Scattershot multiple comics or careful timing of comic 300.
It depends on how much I value comic 300 over comic 55555.
What a sad individual you are.
Oh yes.

 

It is very quiet, isn't it?
Yeah, well we're still about 30 comics away from 55555. There was a bried flurry of activity, but it seems to have died down.
You think it'll pick up?
Oh, I'm sure of it. I bet loads of people are just lurking watching what comic we're on.
Sad bastards that they are.
Hold on- we can't really talk though, can we?

 

Hello. I would like to apologise for the lack in quality of the last 100 comics.
I have realised that most of them are less funny retreads of comics 1-199. I assure you, from this point on, only original ideas will be used.
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!

 

So, this is comic 300 then. A whole new dawn in Kramer comics, with lots of new characters and wonderful original situations.
Yes. And we're the first of many hilarious new faces to be seen in these comics. So who are you, then?
I'm Green-Tshirt-beard-Man! By day I'm a stockbroker, and by night I go home and think about all the stock I'm going to be brokering the next day.
I'm sure that'll lead to many exciting adventures. I'm Paralysis man! I stand completely still, and have to be wheeled about on a trolley.
Stay tuned for our epic series coming soon, in which I sit in an office for hours on end, while Paralysis Man here is propped up against the wall.
Look out for episode 4, in which I look like I'm going to fall over, but don't. It'll be hilarious- I can hardly wait!

 

Help! The plane's about to crash! You must save us, Paralysis Man!
I can't! I'm totally paralysed, Green-tshirt-beard-stockbroker Man.
In that case- we're all going to die!
Actually, I'm quite looking forward to that.

 

Are- are we in heaven, Paralysis Man?
Look at all these clouds. We must be!
Hurrah! We're in paradise!
But hold on, I'm still paralysed.
Hmm.
And also, you're still here. This must be Hell!

 

Almost there.
Yes. 10 more to go, I think.
This will prove once and for all that you're a colossal geek.
You're right. Hold on- do I want to prove that?
Of Course! Us chicks dig that stuff. Didn't you ever wonder why the chess club geeks at school were so popular?
Wait a sec- what the hell kind of freaky school did you go to?

 
You sad, pitiful little man.

 
You will see our faces floating in your dreams for all eternity, taunting you.

 
So, so very close. But is it worth it?
I think not

 
This is meaningless. You will never be a success. Didn't you listen to your mother?

 
You are pathetic. I turn my back on you and your kind.

 
Perhaps you need to find a proper hobby.
Like murder!

 
Comic 55555, I presume?

 

Satan! You evil bastard, tricking us into thinking we were in heaven.
The worst is yet to come, Paralysis Man! For your eternal torment, I am going to prop you in front of a tv showing the gardening channel, and leave the remote just out of your reach.
Nooo! You truly are the lord of darkness. And what foul plan have you got in store for Green-Tshirt-Beard-Stockbroker Man?
For him I have come up with the worst hell of all...
Shit! I'm still a stockbroker!

 

Hello. We are following rule number 9.
But now we are breaking it!
Aren't we rebels?
And I am a donkey.
Donkey!

 

Chinese New Year starts with the New Moon on the first day of the new year and ends on the full moon 15 days later. The 15th day of the new year is called the Lantern Festival.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are celebrated as a family affair. The sacrifice to the ancestors, the most vital of all the rituals, united the living members with those who had passed away.
Sweeping or dusting should not be done for fear that good fortune will be swept away. On the stroke of midnight, every door in the house must be open, to allow the old year to go out.
This is all very interesting, but can I have my blowjob now?

 

I remember when this street wasn't one way.
Remember that? We used to wait on the other side of the street for the bus.
The number 27 bus. You don't get that anymore. Not like you did back in the olden days.
Remember when that building over the street wasn't there? It was better in the old days, when it was a piece of wasteground.
See the young people today? Always complaining. They're never happy.
We never complained when we were young. Where am I, by the way? And who are you?

 

HELLO THERE YOUNG LAD; COME TO HEAR SOME MORE STORIES; OF WHEN I WAS YOUNG?
OH DAMMIT GRANDPA; PLEASE TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID; I'M TIRED OF SHOUTING.
AND HOW IS YOUR MOM? IS SHE STILL SAYING I'M MAD? SHE DOESN'T GET IT.
SHE SAYS YOU'VE LOST IT; IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO; YOU SHOULD LET IT LIE.
BUT HE SPOKE IN CAPS; MADE THE DOCTOR A SQUIRREL; AND DID NOT SUCK DICK!
LOOK, JUST ACCEPT IT; CRABBY WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE; WHILE YOUR COMIC SUCKED.

 

Fucking muggle. Fuck you, you fucking muggle.
Are you speaking to me?
I didn't study ten fucking years at bloody Hogwarts to be talked down to by fucking muggles. Fuck you. I'm a fucking master wizard.
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a "muggle" is.
Don't make me turn you into a fucking frog or some shit you fucking wiseass muggle. Because I can, you know.
Look, will you just shut up and give me my Big Mac?

 

Davros, have you been in the kitchen? There's a charred corpse lying on the table.
Oh, that was me this morning. I was testing my new death ray before I attempt to use it to enslave the human race.
I see. Well could you remove it? I'm having the head of a large record label over for dinner. I'm hoping he'll give me a deal.
If you want, I could threaten him with my death ray.
I was more thinking I could sing to him.
My way's less cruel.

 

Davros, have you seen my 4-track tape recorder? I've got to record a demo for EMI.
Oh, that. I took it to use for one of my diabolical schemes.
Another diabolical scheme? What is it this time?
I'm going to make humans' heads explode in a bloody mess to pave the way for invasion by my robotic hordes.
And you're going to use the parts from my 4-track to power some kind of evil gamma ray?
Actually, no. You left a tape in there, and I figured just playing it to people would do the trick.

 

Hmmm. With no Stripcreator any more, I'm bored. I think I'll have a four hour biscuit game session.
Not so fast!
Dr Who!
That's right, Andy. You must change your ways, or you will doom mankind for all eternity. Now follow me...
Gott in Himmel! What happened here?
Huh? This is just Glasgow. We haven't gone anywhere yet.

 

Darius, have you seen my Thargon Death rod?
No. What does it look like?
About six inches long. Metallic. A short wire out the end.
Oh, that. I thought it was a microphone. I used it in my audition this morning.
And you didn't think something was up when everyone in the room dissolved into a mass of fleshy pulp?
Well, to be honest it's a better reaction than I usually get.

 

So what did you get up to today, then?
Well, I was filmed going around the shops, and then taken into a room and asked to give a commentary over the film.
I see. Was it one of those 'a day in the life' - type shows?
Not exactly...
You got caught shoplifting again, didn't you?

 

Hey there, twatty,
What did you say?
You heard, piss-flap features. I called you twatty. Cunt-face. Twatmangler. Fruntshoogler. Wank-blasting fanny-thrumbler.
I see...
... on second thoughts, I'll give the blowjob a miss.

 

Hey Shakira! How did the big date with Steve last night go?
It was terrible. He only went and mistook my breasts for mountains.
No way! How could he do such a thing?
I dunno. I mean, they're small and humble, so I don't see how he could make such a mistake.
I never liked him anyway.
And you have to ask- why did he bring an icepick and a flag to the date anyway? I needed fourteen stitches!

 

You'll never believe what happned to me today. I was going to the supermarket to get some chops, and this bloke jumped in front of me and bought the very last ones there!
Really, He-Man? That's terrible! What did you do?
I went to the other supermarket, and bought some there.
Oh. That's okay then.
Meanwhile...
Boss, Operation Chop Queue Skip Monopoly Disaster has failed. He bought them from the other supermarket instead.
Curses!!! Damn you He-Man, DAMN YOU! I'll get you next week, just you wait!

 

You won't believe the day I just had. I was going to park in town, to buy some trousers, but some guy cut in front of me, and stole my parking space!
Really, He-Man? That's awful. So what did you do?
I had to park round the corner, and walk the extra few metres. I suppose the exercise is good for me.
I suppose so. So everything worked out okay in the end.
Meanwhile...
Boss, Operation Vehicle Resting Spot Sneak Hoach has failed. He parked round the corner instead.
Tell me it isn't so! Damn you He-Man, DAMN YOU! I will have my revenge, oh yes. Just you wait!

 

Hi there. You won't belive what happened to me today. I was in the pub, and I was carrying my drinks to my table, someone bumped into me, and I spilled them all over the floor!
Surely not, He-Man! So what did you do?
Luckily the bar manager saw it happen, and gave me some more drinks for nothing.
That was nice of him. So I guess everything turned out okay in the end.
Meanwhile...
Boss, I'm afraid Operation Beveridge Shunt Capsize to Floor Interface Doom has failed. The bar manager gave him free refills.
Ack! Damn you He-Man, DAMN YOU!!! One day my plan will suceed and he will be laughing out the other side of his face! And then- vengeance will be mine! MINE!

 

Alrighty, now for the judging! Robo-jury, do you find Bongo guilty or...not?
ROBO-JURY CALCULATING... STAND BY FOR JUDGING...
I'm so sorry for the wait, folks. Robo-jury is a bit slow occasionally. So, what say you?
ROBO-JURY FINDS BONGO GUILTY. ROBO-JURY CRUSH BONGO'S SKULL WITH IRON FIST FOR GOOD OF ALL MANKIND.
Hold on, you always say crushing. It was crushing for that parking violation last month. And for the dog fouling hoohaa, and for that boy who was shoplifting crayons from K-Mart.
IT'S A FAIR COP. ROBO-JURY JUST LIKES CRUSHING. BUT BONGO ASKING FOR IT. ROBO-JURY SAW 'THE POSTMAN'.

 

"Hi there!"
Sorry, what did you just say?
"Hi! That's all I said. No need to get so snippy."
No, sorry. There's something weird going on there, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Do you have a speech impediment?
"Why do guys always act like this? Is it something I'm saying?"
Are you foreign? Is that it?

 

Aaah, Mr Bond. I've been expecting you.
Yes. I rang the doorbell. And I sent that text message three hours ago to tell you I'd be coming.
Nevertheless, I've been expecting you.
Well, you did send that invite out. And then you phoned to remind me not to be late. So, why did you summon me here, Blofelt?
I- I can't remember.

 

I'm sorry, this isn't a good time for a date. My monthly visitor is here.
Ah, I see. And there's no way I can convince you to change your mind?
Hey! Shall I just unpack my stuff in the spare room like I do every month? I've got some great dismembered corpses I know you're going to love!
On second thoughts, I'll just get my coat.

 

Introducing... Robo-Jury! Sick of indecisive human juries? Then you need Robo-Jury! His positronic guilt-o-matic processor delivers instant verdicts, and suggested punishments instantly!
LET ROBO-JURY SHOW YOU...
My family are starving, and my brother Timmy is so sick. I didn't think the shop would miss one loaf of bread, especially since I found it in the bin out back.
ROBO-JURY FINDS YOU... GUILTY! CRUSH YOUR HEAD LIKE A GRAPE BETWEEN THE FINGERS OF A VENGEFUL IRON GOD.
"Also available... Pocket Robo Jury"
I just can't decide whether to get a Gamecube, a Playstation 2 or an X-Box!
bzzt! - Pocket Robo-Jury says spend all the money on booze!

 

Help! Robo-jury, that man just stole my wallet. You've got to help me!
ROBO-JURY COMPUTING...
Well?
ROBO-JURY FINDS PICKPOCKET GUILTY. ROBO JURY SENTENCES HIM TO DEATH BY CRUSHING.
Well, that was no help at all, you stupid robot. Couldn't you have chased after him or something? Bloody moronic machine.
ROBO-JURY FINDS YOU IN CONTEMPT. ROBO-JURY SENTENCES YOU TO DEATH BY DISEMBOWELLING WITH METAL CLAWS.

 

Justin, can I have a word?
Sure thing, JC. What's up?
Look, I understand you're upset over breaking up with Britney, and all, but I'm worried it's affecting your work.
What do you mean?
I'll not beat around the bush. I just don't think "Die Evil Bitch Queen" is a good title for our new song.

 

Joey, I'm really missing Britney. I want you to help me get her back.
But Justin, you do realise I have no discernible skills or talents whatsoever.
Exactly! That's why I want you to go on a date with her. Then she'll realise just how great I am.
Score! I get a date with Britney!
Hey, hang on a minute...

 

Justin, where's Joey? You haven't sacked him again, have you? We need him for rehearsals.
Oh, no. I just sent him out on a little errand. But don't worry, I've got a replacement in.
Really?
Yes. His name is Death Gnarly and I borrowed him from the Norwegian black metal band next door. He's going to play guitar on "Die foul bitch of the night"
"Die foul bitch of the night"? That's a new one. What are the lyrics like?
Death helped me with them. It's kind of "GNNNAAAAAARRRRR!" followed by a lot of wailing. It's a surefire hit!

 

Look, Death, I just don't think you get the hang of this. You take three steps to the left, clap, spin around, and do a little hop.
GWWAAARRRRR?
Look, I know Justin thinks you're doing a good job, but I'm not so sure. He's not been himself since he broke up with Britney. Now go and practise.
GGRRRRRRMMMM! BRRRAAAAA! RRRRRLLLL! MMMRRRRG!
I really hope he gets himself together before his stupid ideas ruin the band.
Hey JC! I've just had an idea! We could refilm the video of "Bye Bye Bye" and replace the band members with strung up corpses!

 

Justin! Thank god you're here!
Joey, my faithful retainer. How goeth the mission to win back the hand of fair Britney?
Yes, it's about that. I ran into Britney in the street. She said she was on her here to visit you.
Really? Could it be? Could we be getting back together?
I don't think so. She was coming over to introduce you to her new boyfriend. In fact- here they come now!
(Gasp!) - YOU!??!?!?!

 

So, Britney Spears has a new boyfriend, But who is it?
Hello, I'm Darius. Could I be Britney's new man? I would obviously be the talented one in the relationship.
Or could I, Davros, have lured Britney into my lab, only to use her DNA to build an evil clone army to take over the world?
IS ROBO-JURY GUILTY OF BEING BRITNEY'S NEW MAN?
I'm paralysed, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be a good boyfriend. As long as Britney doesn't mind feeding me and helping me do the toilet.
It could be me! I've heard Britney just loves biscuits, and mine have that special ingredient. That's if my mum approves.
I will claim Spears as my own! That's provided that pesky He-Man doesn't ruin Operation Popstrel Court Smarm Date Offense.

 

Hi honey, I'm home!
Damn you foul woman. I thought you were going to be out all night, so I've called for some hoes and a gift basket of crack.
Well, you're just going to have to cancel them. My mother's coming over for dinner and I want you to be on your best behaviour.
That evil harridan? Sometimes, dearest, I wish you were an orphan. But most of the time I just wish I was a widower.
You can be so cruel sometimes. I wonder why I married you in the first place.
If I recall, it was something to do with my liquid assets.

 

[KNOCK KNOCK]
Hello?
Aaaah, Mr Bond. I've been expecting you.
Well, this IS my house.

 

So why are you here, Blofeldt? Do you expect me to let you in?
No Mr Bond...
I expect you to DIE!

 

You're still here, Blofeldt?
Yes, Mr Bond. You won't get rid of me that easily.
Can I use your toilet?

 

Look Blofeldt, I don't appreciate you hanging around my house like this. Please leave.
Alright Bond. You have bested me this time. I will retire to my top secret base to plot your downfall.
Blofelt, get that tent off my lawn.

Showing page 6.

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