All comics by mmyers

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by mmyers
7-30-03
And if you want ribs, I'll make 'em, swim in a deep sea of bacon.
Take all your big hams and bake 'em, dinner's bound to take awhile.
Your body is a wonderland.
I can't find my hands.

 

by mmyers
7-30-03
Hello. You know, in our busy lifestyle, people are looking for as many ways as they can to cut corners and save time.
When I took an unofficial pole, 9 out of 10 said that the biggest consumer of time was sex. All that thinking and fantasy and foreplay.
It simply takes too long for people to achieve mutual orgasms. That's why I invented this whistle.
This whistle is tuned to a special frequency that, when blown, causes everyone with a 1/2 mile radius to climax. Watch.
*Toot*
Oh, oh my goodness, oh lordy...The Orgasm Whistle. It also makes a great self defense device. Ohmygoodness.
Note: Orgasm Whistle should not be used while driving, at airports, football games, or during weddings. oh.....

 

by mmyers
7-31-03
What can I get you, mame?
I'd like to get a McFish sandwich combo, but first, let me ask you something.
Last time I was here, I got the fish sandwich and it tasted disgusting. Can you assure me that it will be fresh this time?
I can assure you that it will be about as fresh as a square piece of fish can be.

 

by mmyers
8-01-03
Hey, excuse me, I need to talk to someone about 401K benefits. Can you help me?
Sorry, I'm the filing clerk but the girl who does 401K is at lunch right now. You should send her an email and she'll get back to you.
See, my problem is, I'm trying to enroll but my husband doesn't want me to be in it so I need to sign up but have the billing statement go to a seperate address. I'd like 5% removed from my check.
Also, if I could have an additional 7% removed and placed into a savings account at a different bank and I'd like that to not show up on my paycheck. Also, I'd like to invest my 5% 401K into wheat.
You know I'm still the filing clerk, right?

 

by mmyers
8-01-03
Greetings, all of my fellow country men. It's in your fearless leader Saddam.
I send out this message to convince you to upright against...
Oop, fucked that one up. I said 'upright' not 'uprise'...hahahaha. Oh man, can't believe I did that.
Please tell me you didn't get that on tape. You did? Oh man, I'm embarassed. Hahaha. Stop the tapes, haha. Stop the tape, Charlie, hahaha.
Aww man, it said that it was a new Saddam tape, but it's just a studio outtake.
Yeah, and you can hear this one on his "Kill the Infidels" EP. What a waste.

 

by mmyers
8-01-03
Ohmygod! What's that in your purse?
It's the Teen Visa card.
Ohmygod! How'd you get it? I want one.
My parents got it for me, to prepare me for being an adult.
I wish my parents trusted me like that.
Not really. The Teen Visa starts off with a maxed-out balance, a 21% interest rate, and you can't use it anywhere. It's mom and dad's version of irony.

 

by mmyers
8-01-03
Great work, saving all those POWs, Sarge. You're a national hero once again. Hey, where's Private Oldham?
Aw hell, looks like I've got to go back to Vietnam one more time.

 

by mmyers
8-04-03
Yes, yes, oh yes. That's the spot.
*click*
Well, I guess it's better than being alone.
And it pays better than flipping burgers at Mickey D's.
Yes, yes, oh yes. That's the spot.

 

by mmyers
8-05-03
BLAB TV now returns to "Two drunks discussing politics"
The gentrification of the big companies is causing the destructicity of jobs and unemployments to sky rocket!
Pardon my authenticity, Frank, but you're a fucking idiot. The brass ring is there, but lazy people like YOU are too lazy to grab it.
I've applicated for over 200 jobs and haven't been hired by one of them! I blame you and the people who are like you because you judge books by their covers.
Your momma. The economy is to blame for the lack of jobs and money but they're anpicipating an upswing.
I'm sorry, Travis, I don't know what came over me. I love you, man. I just wish things to go back to the way they was before.
I love a good debate. *sob,sob*

 

by mmyers
8-06-03
Retard-Man's first day at work.
Hey, welcome to the company, Retard-Man. Hey, with a name like that, you must be a real freaking idiot, huh?
Actually, it's Retardman. I'm Jewish. And, no, I'm not an idiot. I was salutatorian at Princeton with a 4.0 GPA.
Nice try, Retard-Man, you stupid person with low IQ.
Whatever, Retard-Man. Pick up that hammer and nails and hammer yourself in the head. You know you want to.
No I don't. That'd be ridiculous, plus, I feel like it's been performed 100s of times in more humorous ways.
Go back to your synagogue, Retardman.
You goofy bastard. It's great to have you on board. I'm sure I'm going to get tons of laughs at your expense.
I'm going to go get some water.

 

by mmyers
8-06-03
Hey Father Mike, I'm going to go get some lunch. I'll be back in 30.
If it's God's will, you'll be back in 30.
Do you not want me to go get lunch?
No, I'm just saying that you may be back in 30 minutes or you may not be, and that will be God's will.
Do you mean I can have longer than 30 minutes for my lunch break?
If it's God's will. Although, God's will may be for you to get hit by a bus as you cross the street coming back from the Subway. Get me a meatball sub, please.

 

by mmyers
8-06-03
Welcome to Subway, home of the chipolte sub. What can I get you?
What ever you'd like to give me.
Excuse me? What kind of subs would you like?
What ever kind is God's will, I guess.
Are you trying to be difficult? Do I need to call my manager?
Yeah, man, I guess. I mean, whatever's going to happen, right?

 

by mmyers
8-06-03
Hey, Father Mike, I got the subs. Sorry it took so long.
Well, you know, God's will be don...hey, this isn't a meatball sub, this is one of those chipolte subs.
I think it was God's will for you to have one of those subs instead.
No, no, I believe his will is for you to get back across the street and get me my meatball sub.
But...
But, but, but, get your butt back across the street and get me my sub.

 

by mmyers
8-06-03
Hey Craig, they're holding the big carnival at the Baptist church this weekend. You wanna go?
Carnival? Yeah, that sounds fun. Which one is it?
The Kass Kounty King Korn Karnival. The KKKKK. And Sept 11 is the crowning of the KKK, the Kass Kounty King.
So do you wanna go or not?

 

by mmyers
8-07-03
Damn, Kaufman won again.
I gotta get a life.

 

by mmyers
8-07-03
The On the Bricks concert in Atlanta
Man, this is horrible. It's like 90 degrees out here and there's people everywhere and the humidity combined with the rain is making it over 100.
It's not so bad. By using my mind to cool my body, I have a steady chill going through me and it feels like 68 degrees inside my skin.
But most of the music is terrible and all the frat boys are slam dancing to They Might be Giants.
Again, by using my mind, I make the experience enjoyable. It's all perspective, man. The bad music fades into the background, and the frats are merely expressing themselves with dance.
Man, Doug, you've got a great outlook. Let's grab a beer at the concession stand.
Excellent idea. Now you're getting the ide...Christ in a cropduster! $8.50 for piss warm beer?! You must be shitting me! I'll be kicked in the nuts by a kangeroo before I pay $8.50 for a Fosters.

 

by mmyers
8-07-03
What do you want?
*thump*
Oww, my nuts...I guess I'll have a Fosters then...owww.
Fosters, it's American for Australian for beer, bottled in Milwaukee.
Drink it, mate.

 

by mmyers
8-08-03
Gosh, it sure was nice of them to boat us out to this deserted isle to battle all Enter the Dragon style. I enjoy trips.
Indeed. You look very familiar. You wouldn't happen to be...
Jesus? Haha, yeah, I get that all the time. Actually, my name is Jesus, but I'm not THE Jesus, the son of God. Wow! Check the view out! Boyohboy!
This is strange indeed, for my name is Jesus also, Jesus de Jesus. Two Jesuses battling for supremacy. Isn't the irony delicious?
Sure is! So's the bree at the buffet table. Boy, I can't wait to get on the island and hitting the waves. I burn easy so I need an SPF45. One time at camp...
Killing him will be a pleasure.

 

by mmyers
8-08-03
Excuse Captain, are we almost to the island? I'm ever so looking forward to killing that Jesus fellow.
Jeas, ve're almose dere, Mr. De Jesus.
Excellent. Should you need any help navigating, I'll shall be in my cabin sharpening my blades.
Yar, Captain, don't you think we're coming a bit close to those rocks? Aren't yee worried about running the boat up into them?
Nonsense, De Jesus esa my co-pilot.

 

by mmyers
8-08-03
Jumpin' gee-willikers, it's gorgeous here. I'm going to jump in the water right away.
Yes, I say, that's a stupendous idea, hmm?
Hey, would you mind rubbing a little sun tan lotion on my back?
Not at all, and while I'm at it, why don't I make you...
DIE, DIE, DIE!
Mr. Jesus, you left your complimentary deck of playing cards on the boat..oop...I can see you're both busy.

 

by mmyers
8-08-03
Now I am the winner. I shall get back on the boat and enjoy a cool, refreshing Shasta. I am truly lucky as it seems this island is the last place that serves Shasta beverages.
Not so fast, Jesus De Jesus!
Holy crap! You've risin', then you really are...
No, it's merely a coincidence, but I am thankful for this ass-whipping you are about to receive.
Yikes!

 

by mmyers
8-08-03
At a pub...
Then what happened, Jesus?
So I was getting ready to really thump the guy, and then the sky gets all dark and lightning bolts start flying from every direction and hitting Jesus de Jesus and all that was left was ashes1.
Wow, mate, that sounds like a... I hesitate to say it...a Miracle.
Nah, probably just a coincidence.
Sure, sure. Say, how'd you get that big bump on yer forehead?
Funny, I don't remember getting a bump on my forehead. Actually, I barely remember anything. Hmm, next rounds on me!

 

by mmyers
8-12-03
I was on the deck of this clubhouse when I worked up the nerve to ask this girl out. She said she thought I was foul but she agreed so my batter was up.
I tried to catch her with a double play, showing her my diamond but that I also play the field, but she wasn't impressed. Her ex was there. He was a Count.
He wasn't very tall, so the Count was 3-2. I tried to show her the military units that I used to work at but the bases were loaded, we couldn't get inside. I was sure I'd struck out.
I thought I'd maybe get to second base, but the next thing I knew, we were heading to my home base. I was trying to read her signals. She said she felt safe with me.
So did you score?
No, she asked if I was pitching or catching and I balked. She must have corked her bat.

 

by mmyers
8-12-03
Ask your doctor about Diazpreneen.
Side effects may include nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of weight, dry mouth, and in rare cases, spontaneous combustion.
I don't even know what it's supposed to do... AGGGGHHHHHH!

 

by mmyers
8-14-03
And I think we can all agree that if we accomplish this project and come in under budget, then we'll be like Jim Carrey in that one movie where he was like, "Somebody stop me!"
Ace Ventura! Man, that movie was hilarious. I spit beer out through my nose when I watched that.
I thought he was gross in that. I thought he was great in Liar, Liar, though. That was good, clean fun for the entire family.
Can you believe that he and Renee Zellwigger broke up? She was adorable in that movie where she was having a baby.
I think you were referring to The Mask.
What are you talking about?

 

by mmyers
8-14-03
The Haves.
Hey Deuce, guess what I just got? A...
Yep, whatever it is, I already got it two weeks ago.
The Have-Nots
I used to complain about having no shoes until I saw a man without feet.
I once saw a guy with nice shoes, killed him, took the shoes, but then I got arrested and put on suicide watch, so they took my shoes away again.
And the self righteous Have-Nots
Hey, dude, did you watch American Idol last night?
I don't own a TV because it's a colossal waste of time so I have no clue what you are talking about.

 

by mmyers
8-15-03
A cereal of killers
Boy, I could really go for some fresh meat.
You took the words right out of mouth.
A waste of coworkers
I'm going to go smoke around back until 5:00.
I'm going to go sober up in the broom closet. Have a good weekend.
A gawking of breast implants.
Dear God, how is she even able to keep balanced?
I wish guys would quit staring at my outrageously oversized fake breasts!

 

by mmyers
8-15-03
Allright, lead-foot, where's the fire?
Seems like someone's got a bad case of the smart mouth. How about you step out of the car, sir?
Look son, you may not respect me but you will respect the law's of motor vehicles set forth by this state.
Maybe you'd be a little more cooperative if we take you down to the station.
All right, that does it. Please place your hands against the car, sir.
Sir, I'm gong to have to ask you to lay on the ground with your hands on top of your head. Station, I'm going to need some back-up, over.

 

by mmyers
8-15-03
If the toilets are self-flushing, how come this one looks like it hasn't been flushed?
It's the ninjas that does it. They're so quick that they're in and out before the toilet can even register it. The perfect assassins, I tell ya.
Waitaminute, how did he know what I was thinking?
I'm in your head, man.

 

by mmyers
8-18-03
I'm a black stereotype. I say things like 'bling-bling', 'what up, boo?', and 'why you trippin'?' I'm streetwise.
I'm a white stereotype. I say things like 'infrastructure', 'mortgage', and 'what's a boo?' Man, I'm so lame.
We meet and have lots of misunderstandings based on our cultural differences. It doesn't look like we'll ever get along.
But we find common ground. I get a little hipper and use slang words meant to evoke a humorous reaction because of my inherent dorkiness.
We show everyone that we aren't so different and at the end, I make an impact in the white people's world and change my street ways, i.e. sellout.
I start dancing urbanly, affirming my streetcred but offending my white friends. Some fat white woman faints at the horror of my dancing but I don't care.

 

by mmyers
8-18-03
*sniff* *sniff* I'll never be able to smell my own nose.
That makes me sad.

 

by mmyers
8-18-03
Why would someone put a Skittles dispenser in the men's bathroom?
Gotta retire one day.

 

by mmyers
8-18-03
Billy Squier, 1984
Stroke me, stroke me!
STROKE, STROKE!
2003
Stroke me, stroke me!
GROSS!

 

by mmyers
8-19-03
Hello. I'm pouring for the collect.
Sweet.

 

by mmyers
8-19-03
Darby's journal: August 19. I wish I had packed things to keep myself busy on the island. There's only so many ways you can alphabetize seaweed.
Things are progressing nicely with the nice rock I met the other day. I'm having dinner with her parents Friday. If all goes well, she could be Mrs. Sedimentary Dillman.
Holy smokes, something's washed up on the shore. It looks like a big crate! Wait until I tell the trees what I found!

 

by mmyers
8-19-03
Hello, I'm calling collect.
Don't forget to dial right down the center. C-A-L-L-A-T-T!

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
So, George, that's the tour of the place. Welcome aboard. I won't lie to you, the job's shitty. It's low pay, long hours, dirty and greasy, but with benefits.
With benefits?
George's flashback to last summer.
So I think we should break up, George, but we should remain friends, you know, friends with benefits.
With benefits?
???
Benefits! Oh I get it. Boy, this job is going to be sweet. When do you want to start 'benefitting'?

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
Me, the magic dragon, lived by the sea, and frolicked in the autumn mist...boy, I sure could go for a frolic in the autumn mist right now. Think I'll put on my trunks and...
Waitaminute...today's August 20th...my birthday...I'm 40 years old today.
Happy August 20th, 2003, Kitty. Any plans for the day?
Oh, I thought I'd lay in the sun, maybe stretch...wait. Did you say that it was August 20, 2003? Oh dear...

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
*Knock, knock*
Who's there?
I'm a 7 foot tall dragon. I'm here to see Kitty.
Can I help you?
Yes...
*Gulp* Thank you. You were delicious. I'll let myself in, thank you. Here Kitty, Kitty.

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
Puff, what is the meaning of this?
It's my fortieth birthday. I've come to take you up on our little deal.
Oh, Puff, we made that deal a long time ago. Surely, you didn't think...
We agreed in middle school that if neither of us were married by the time we were forty that we'd marry each other. I'm not married, you're not married...
But I have a home, and a life, and an owner who rubs my ears and gives me milk...
Yeah, about that owner of yours...*urp*...say, you wouldn't happen to have an antacid laying around, would ya?

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
So you see, Kitty, I have no other options. I've waited my whole life to...ugh, I feel horrible.
Well, what have you eaten, you know, besides my owner?
Just the usual. I found a herd of cattle on the way to your house, so I ate them, but nothing out of the ordinary.
You don't look so good, Puff. Maybe you should sit down.
*THUMP*
Oh dear...

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
So then he fell down dead and so I cut open his stomach and out came you and a bunch of cattle, and that's what happened, Ken.
Well, Puff had obviously never heard that age old saying...
"Stripper before steer, you're in the clear; steer before stripper, never sicker."
Maybe I should have left him in there.

 

by mmyers
8-20-03
Hello, Burger Junction. No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. *click*

 

by mmyers
8-21-03
Thanks for having me over to your house, Frank and Biff. I just had to tell someone about the keen box that washed on shore.
Well let me make us some white wine spritzers and then we'll just sit down and gab about all the details. Be right back.
I'm so glad that you came over. We love having company over for cocktails. We just bought a karoake machine. I like Cher songs best.
Heh, sounds good to me.
Boy, these guys are soooo gay.

 

by mmyers
8-21-03
So you haven't opened the box up to see what's in it yet? How exciting? Isn't that exciting, Frank? Why haven't you opened it yet, Darby?
I'm scared. I've been on this island so long that it's hard for me to know what's real or not. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have it turn out to be nothing.
You wanna have a three way?

 

by mmyers
8-21-03
Just to show how important you are to me, Sedementary, I've dragged the box all the way over to your part of the island to open it in front of you. Holy shit! It's a raft! I'm free! I'm free!
Yeah for us! We're free! We're going to finally get off this stinking island!
Hello?

 

by mmyers
8-21-03
Darby's Journal 08/21/03: Sedementary is giving me the silent treatment. I suppose I must go it alone. Besides, she weighs approximately 3 tons. I like 'em heavy, sure, but 3 tons? I must sail alone.
*puff* *puff*
An inflatable Safety Donkey?

 

by mmyers
8-22-03
Darby's Journal 08/22/03: I found that the box that washed ashore was, in fact, real. I thought at first it was an inflatable raft, but blew it up to find it was a child's pool toy, a Safety Donkey.
I blew them all up in the hopes that one might be a raft, but none were. I did find out one important fact, though: the Chinese will make an inflatable anything.

 

by mmyers
8-25-03
Everywhere, all of the world...
Lei sono pronto ancora?
Sind Sie bereit noch?
...men are waiting...
Etes-vous pret pourtard?
?Usted esta' listo todavia?
for women to get ready to go out.
Dammit, woman, are ye ready to go, yet?
Let me finish blow drying my hair and figure out which shoes I want to wear.

 

by mmyers
8-26-03
Congratulations on making your 300th comic.
But please keep in mind...
Just because you think of it doesn't neccessarily make it funny.
Stop teh suck.

Showing page 6.

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