All comics by Broly

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by Broly
8-23-03
Now, if you want to be a rock superstar, live large, and all that shazbat, you need a rad catch phrase.
May the dear Lord Almighty have mercy on your immortal soul, you're a bigger wigger than Billy.
Nah, it's a bit long. You need something snappy that gets people's attention. A beautiful way to end a caring broadcast.
How does "Get off my case, fucktards, I have athlete's foot." sound?
You are so da man!
Why haven't you died yet? Tell me, does not enough evil exist in this world?

 

by Broly
8-29-03
I hear Arnold Schwarzeneggar is running for governor of California.
Welcome to a month and a half ago, dingus.
How can such a clod run for high office.
Sure, he's VERY foreign, but he contributes to charities and such. Besides, what are you gonna do about it, run against him?
... You just said the phrase that pays, young one!
Oh hell. Out of the Arnold and into the Alfonz.

 

by Broly
9-10-03
We're here today with recent candidate Alfonz, running for the gubernutorial position in California.
Thanks for... the what?
Gubernutorial. It represents governor.
I see why Arnold fits in here, what with your crazy ass accents. Then again, the guy's done alot for those kids in Botswana.
Yeah, he really... wait, Botswana?
How do you like being confounded! Being confounded isn't that fun, is it, confounder!

 

by Broly
9-24-03
... And that's my reasoning as to why the elderly should be ground into a fine paste and fed to our cattle.
Thank you very much, professor. Now, to Alfonz Ciccone with sports, take it away.
We're here with Buck McBucklestein, world famous rodeo clown. How does it feel to come in first at the 32nd annual Jewish Rodeo Championships?
It feels great. I get all this prize money, plus all the latkes I can eat! I'd like to thank my big, Jewish family, my rabbi, and lastly God. But not Jesus.
Well, that's certainly fantastic. I'm going to go stab myself now, back to you, shitcraps.
Thanks for that touching story. On a lighter note, thousands dead after Marlon Brando ate a plate of refried beans. Details at eleven.

 

by Broly
10-04-03
Say, I got two tickets to the big game tomorrow, wanna go?
You bet!
The very next day
Woo! Take it off, don't worry 'bout the kid, he's with me!
Maybe I heard you wrong, but didn't you say "the big game"?
Apparently you did, because I distinctly remember saying "drag queen pole-dance-a-thon". Now give me some bills to stuff in Haroldina's jock strap.
Ugh, I'm already saddened by the money you've spent, Abe Lincoln doesn't deserve to be jammed into there!

 

by Broly
10-11-03
The "Colliefornia" recall election has come and gone. Sadly, you lost out to Arnold Schw... Arnold the womanizer guy.
Yes. My theory is that I'm too intelligent for a political reign.
Really? Elaborate.
George W. Bush, Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Jesse Ventura, political figures are ill-tempered clods that spew catch phrases to mindless sheep.
Don't blame me, I voted for that porn star chick in the recall.
Hell, so did I. Did you see her knockers? Great googlymoogly.

 

by Broly
10-21-03
I'm gonna go re-animate Hitler's corpse, wanna come with?
You really shouldn't. Hitler was bad. Mass genocide, goofy mustache, pungent odor, no truly admirous qualities about him.
Unfortunately, it's not up to me.
Who then?
It was a request of Arnold Schwareneggar.
That's right! Because he admired Hitler, and yet we still elected him, of course. USA, USA!

 

by Broly
10-22-03
I'm so distraught that neither the Red Sox or Cubs made it into the World Series.
Face it, they're cursed. If either of them ever made it to a world series again, it would be the end of all existence as we know it.
That's highly unlikely.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Meanwhile
And once again, the Yankees are headed to the World Series. Doesn't that beat all!
I'll never get Armageddon underway. Stupid Steinbrenner just had to go and sell me his immortal soul.

 

by Broly
10-23-03
Guess what I got on Ebay?
Tube socks?
Yeah, but I mean this week.
That weather machine?
That too, but I mean the other day, y'know.
Jock itch?

 

by Broly
10-23-03
What's that you got there?
A prostitute-targeting stick. Watch me give it a whirl.
*chucks*
Ouch!
Wow, that has got to be the third or fourth most accurate prostitute-homing in on projectile I've ever seen.
It's still in the developmental stages, I plan to petition this as a sport for the Goodwill Games. Maybe even the X Games.

 

by Broly
10-24-03
What brand of salsa is that there?
No store brand, I got it from this farmer dude. It's great stuff, I love it.
Sounds like you're a fan of that salsa.
I mean I really love it. Last night I was raiding the fridge for salsa, and we started talking, and I began touching it...
We get it, you enjoy salsa. Perhaps too much.
We were thinking about asking you to be our best man. Either you or the cabbage.

 

by Broly
11-14-03
I saw that new Matrix movie, it was a'ight.
That's cool. Did you understand it?
I sure did. Not only that, but I'm also Richard Milhouse Nixon, and I share beachfront property in Oklahoma with Lenny Kravitz.
You're either being very sarcastic, or doing the best zombie Nixon impression I've ever seen.
Why can't I be both?
Ok, ok, just this once.

 

by Broly
11-22-03
You've gotta see that animated Star Wars show on Cartoon Network.
Does George Lucas have anything to do with it in any way?
No, I don't believe he does.
Thank God!
Maybe we should've just offed Lucas, that would've caused even more rejoicing.
Nah. I don't want that crackpot up here, and I'm too nice to send him to Satan. The un-Lucas-tainted cartoon should do well enough.

 

by Broly
11-28-03
Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! This day is also known as turkey day due to the...
Wait, turkey day? You mean we eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
Yeah, it's tradition. Why, what did you do?
Oh, nothing... Say, there's plenty of Orcas left in the wild, right?
I'm not sure, but I think they might be an endangered species.
They just got alot more endangered, then.

 

by Broly
11-28-03
Mine's bigger than yours.
FUCK YOU.

 

by Broly
11-29-03
Hey there, Alfonz. I, the Author, decided to manifest myself in order to interact with you.
That's all well and good, but you're going to have to prove to me through a vast and varied battery of examinations and surveys that you are indeed our one true creator.
Yeah, I write these, so I'm the Author.
Meh, works for me.

 

by Broly
11-29-03
Why'd you go with the ninja outfit?
It's trendy, sleek, very trimming, totally stylish.
One of those artsy fashion geeks, I see.
Did I mention it's also a great color for KICKING YOUR ASS?
... Nope. Geek.

 

by Broly
11-29-03
So, you just came here to spend time with moi?
Lord no. I bring tidings of great joy.
Sounds like good stuff.
Oh yes. I'm going to start into a completely new storyline that'll totally smash yours into dust.
... I hate you.
I know, I made you that way, my boy.

 

by Broly
11-29-03
My Thanksgiving was fantastic, I got to spend time with dear family and friends.
I was offended that you didn't want to dine with me.
Sorry, I felt uncomfortable at the thought of joining you for dinner.
Why's that?
You told me you'd make a place for me in your oven, and asked what size meat thermomater fits me. All while licking your lips.
That's just a common misco- I'M GONNA EAT YOU, FOOLISH BOY.

 

by Broly
12-03-03
So, I'll be taking off on varying adventures of whimsical and fantastical nature.
You're just going to work somewheres, aren't you?
Yup. I hope you can find something to do while I occupy things here.
I'll just toss Billy into Niagra Falls.
Good for you.
Gotta keep busy.

 

by Broly
12-03-03
Hey there.
Hey yourself. My name is Chris, I'll be getting you accustomed to working here.
Sounds good. Nice goat, by the way.
Say, thanks.
*baaah*

 

by Broly
12-05-03
The first thing you'll be learning is the fry station. Go ahead and drop some fries.
Drop the fries. Gotcha.
*KLUNK*
Ok... for future reference, when you drop the fries, I'm implying that you drop them into the vat.
Oooh, that does make more sense than dropping them on the floor. Lesson learned.
Which brings us to our second lesson. Sweeping up our messes.

 

by Broly
12-08-03
I'm Trever, I'll be introducing you to our crew.
Don't you mean McCrew?
Listen, we don't have to to put Mc in front of words, that's just the...
but it's a McTradition!
McShut up.
McOkay.

 

by Broly
12-08-03
First, I'd like to introduce you to Abel.
Where's he at?
Aw maaaan!
Yeah, that'd be him.
I hope everyone has catchphrases.

 

by Broly
12-09-03
Our annual Christmas party is coming up. Feel like going?
You bet I do. I'd be happy to grow together as a community and celebrate togetherness with one another.
No booze, Sean.
Why would you think, I mean, why would I... er... seriously, none? Crap.

 

by Broly
12-10-03
Ok everyone, gather 'round for the auction.
Yay, auction time!
This is gonna be great, how much McCurrency do you have?
About $400 worth, give or take. How 'bout you?
... $50.
Hey, look at it this way, You're so going to rule opening bids.

 

by Broly
12-12-03
I won 5 bucks during the auction, what did you win?
A TV.
Fffff...
Fiddle-dee-dee.
Is it normal for steam to shoot out of your ears?

 

by Broly
12-17-03
I think it's great that they caught Saddam Hussein finally.
That isn't Saddam, I can tell.
So you think it's one of his lookalike bodyguards or something?
No way, man. It's totally Santa Claus. Did you see his beard? That's all Santa right there.
I could've sworn Santa lived in the North Pole and not a hole in Tikrit.
Well, then he's... IRAQI CLAUS!

 

by Broly
12-18-03
Wow, this apple pie sure is hot. It's like Jesus punching you in the mouth!
Sean, could you do me a favor?
Sure.
Take your break.
But I...
Do it for our sake.

 

by Broly
12-23-03
Jeez, I've been taking orders all day, I need a break.
Uh, where'd this chair come from, and these boxes?
I'm... trapped!

 

by Broly
12-23-03
Hey, who's over there? Jay, is that you? Could you get me out of here?
Oh, hey Allie. I can't really hear you behind all these boxes I've stacked up but I'm pretty sure you're encouraging me to work harder at it, I'll go get more.

 

by Broly
12-25-03
Jay, if you don't get me out of here right now...
Listen, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to take down the box-wall and let you out. Apparently you're on your break right now, or something.
I guess I should be thankful...?

 

by Broly
12-25-03
So, rumor has it you were stuck behind a tower of cardboard boxes while taking orders.
Yeah, I was, thanks for the concern.
You bet. Must've been harrowing.
Sure was. Say, you wouldn't mind taking over back there for me while I moved a few boxes around, would you?
Certainly. You wouldn't be contemplating trapping me back there, would you?
Yes. And by yes I mean... no. Yeah.

 

by Broly
12-25-03
We would like to wish everyone a happy holidays. May you all find solace and joy with loved ones.
Poop.
You could say "Bah Humbug". At least "Bah Humbug" isn't disgusting.
I could, but it's so overplayed.

 

by Broly
12-25-03
I know Kung-Fu.
Show me.
Down the street...
See, down at the deli, the guy making the sandwiches?
Yeah.
He's Kung-Fu. Best sandwich guy in town, hands down.
The more you know.

 

by Broly
1-03-04
Well, the New Year has finally arrived, and I'm proud you behaved so well, stayed with me through the countdown and didn't go out and get drunk.
Alfonz?
I see you noticed my diversionary cardboard cutout of myself I used as a means to sneak away and get hammered on New Year's.
No wonder. You seemed awfully quiet. And flat.

 

by Broly
1-03-04
My New Year's resolution is to volunteer at a local children's hospital.
That's very admirable.
Yeah. Ganking medication from those little kids sure beats having to forge doctors' signatures for prescription drugs.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're morally bankrupt?
Oh, all the time, but I'm not bankrupt as far as non-prescribed medications go.

 

by Broly
1-13-04
Have you ever heard of the "butterfly effect"?
No.
Basically, it means should a butterfly in the United States flap its wings, it will cause a hurricane in Japan. This implies...
Oh man, we have so many butterflies here. Japan's screwed.
Uh, actually, it means the smallest trend here can emulate itself in a huge way across the Pacific. It's not literal, Ben.
I knew that. I was just testing if YOU knew that.

 

by Broly
1-13-04
Did you see Steve Irwin dangling his one-month old child near a crocodile on the news?
I think people just need to let this sort of stuff go.
Oh yeah? What if Mr. and Mrs. Dan Marino were playing with their infant son in the backyard, then all of a sudden...
GO LONG, MA, I'M REALLY GONNA LAUNCH JUNIOR THIS TIME!
Hmm, maybe they should do something about all the celebrities flinging their children around.

 

by Broly
1-15-04
What's your take on the candidates for the United States Presidency?
Let's see. There's George Dubya. Then there's that guy who flips pancakes, then there's the guy who was in the snowball fight.
Don't forget the black chick.
She dropped out.
Welp, there goes my vote.
Mine, too.

 

by Broly
1-17-04
Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
What about losing, isn't that a thing, also?
Hmm, sure.
And how about tying? That's a thing, too.
Well, I... will you just shut up?
It's funny watching you try to make a point, especially when you fail miserably at it.

 

by Broly
1-17-04
Have you heard the new remix of Outkast's "Hey Ya"?
No, they actually remixed "Hey Ya"?
Yeah, they did.
Excuse me for a moment.
Alfonz, astounded that the most annoying song on Earth had a remix made of it, set off on a sabbatical to obtain insight on the situation.

 

by Broly
1-17-04
Traveling for days without food, water or rest, he survived solely on his complete hatred of the song "Hey Ya".
Crossing vast expanses of desert, outstretching plains, and treacherous seas, until reaching his ultimate destination.
Heaven.

 

by Broly
1-17-04
Alfonz seeked out the single being able to answer his burning questions, able to put out his fiery anguish.
Finally reaching God, after weeks of traversing difficult terrain and lacking any source of nutrients, Alfonz asks his question.
Say, God...
Yes, my son.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU LET OUTKAST MAKE THAT FRICKIN' SONG!
Hey, it's got a good beat, and I can dance to it.

 

by Broly
1-17-04
C'mon, you can dance.
No, believe me, I can't dance
C'mon, I'll teach you! Ever seen Selena?
Yeah.
Did you see her do the "dishwasher"?
Oh snap.

 

by Broly
1-17-04
Ok, I think you can do it.
Only one way to find out.
*does the dishwasher*
Wow, you really can't dance.
Thank you so much for STABBING MY SOUL WITH RIDICULE.

 

by Broly
1-22-04
So, that was a Crispy Chicken, McChicken, 10 piece Nugget, and a Big Mac. All of those value meals. Anything else for...
Oh yeah, and I wanted all of those super sized.
Ooook... There we go. Will that...
Actually, could you take those off. I want a small ice cream cone.
...And that was about the time I punched him in the eye.
Good call.

 

by Broly
1-26-04
Hey there, what can I get for you?
I'll just take an order of fries, please.
Would you like fries with that?
As a matter of fact, I would!
And that's the first time I ever witnessed a seven thousand dollar order of french fries.
Oh, that's why the managers were having aneurysms.

 

by Broly
1-28-04
Hi there, what can I get for you?
Do you still have the Quarter Pounder deal going on?
We don't, so that button is deactivated. But maybe if I push it anyway...
AAAAAAGH, MOTHER OF MERCY!
Next time, tell me if a button on the register will set the customer on fire.
It's a lesson we all have to learn on our own at one point or another.

 

by Broly
1-28-04
"... And a dejected Donovan McNabb leaves the field, rib cartilege damaged and all."
Pay up.
Pay up? What'choo talkin' 'bout! I took rib injury!
No, you took severe groin trauma. You always take severe groin trauma.
It doesn't pay up often, but when it does, I score cash AND a good laugh.

Showing page 7.

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