All comics by Hatrix

Profile

 

by Hatrix
4-15-08
Somewhere in an undisclosed location...
So what do you want me to do next?

 

by Hatrix
4-18-08
Nothing but volcanic inferno of immeasurable intensity turning everything to pure molten heat.
Yeah.
This can't be extinguished you know.
I know.
Then why the hell did you bring me here?
I just like to brag.

 

by Hatrix
4-19-08
Blah blah blah american idol! OMG lost! blah blah blah Heroes blah blah brittany spears blah blah
Let me explain something to you Melvin. When you spew endless reams of infotainment blurbs at me ...
This is you...
Dur duh blarg snort wheeze burp garble barg blagh blarg ffffft snarf *urp* blah! Droooool aha ha ha aaarrgggggggurgle.
And this is me.
Oh.

 

by Hatrix
4-29-08
Look at you. You haven't created a strip in ages.
Angst.
When you do it's only after hours of laborious obsessing over every word and even then... where is the funny?
Frustration.
Writers have blocks.. you have achieved paralysis.
Futility.
~fin~

 

by Hatrix
4-29-08
Hey Butch, what's in the box?
A new pet! See?!
Uh...
How did you..?
duct tape!

 

by Hatrix
4-29-08
I've secured the window!
Oh my GOD!!!!
WHAT?
Did you use all the duct tape?
Yeees but...
But I was saving that for a special occasion!

 

by Hatrix
4-29-08
Oh shit. Don't turn around. Bob's back and guess who's with him?
That guy is such a tool! Hot shot asshole turns every reap into a mop and bucket job. So amature.
Assholes.
Hey ignore them. They're just jealous.

 

by Hatrix
4-30-08
Damn! Albert Hofman died! Man that sux! I can't believe it!
The guy was over a hundred. It's not like it was unexpected.
Exactly.
I knew I should have added him to my dead pool list! Damn it!
You're a saint.

 

by Hatrix
4-30-08
Albert Hofman experiences death...
Wow!
This is familiar!

 

by Hatrix
5-09-08
What?
Uh.. Why is the dresser broken? Two of the drawers have had the front panels pulled off, there are marks on the wall and clothes all over the room.
It's a cheap POS dresser. The drawers only have a three inch opening. I hurt my hand on it again and it pissed me off.
So...
I tore front off one and in the process of destroying it with my bare hands and a hammer I accidentally destroyed a second one.
Next question: Did we forget to refill your perscription again?

 

by Hatrix
5-09-08
Ok I fixed the dresser and put the clothes away.
Thanks
Umm... any other inanimate objects that earned your wrath I should know about?
I had a shower today.
That explains the almost new bar of soap wedged sideways down the drain. Now about the towel bar...
It's not my fault. They bring this shit on themselves.

 

by Hatrix
5-09-08
Look, you can't keep letting your volcanic temper get the best of you. Our stuff just can't take much more!
I do the best I can.
I know you do.
I keep telling you the only way it's ever going to get better is with medication.
But without health insurance we're stuck with our home grown alternative medicine.
Pot and Nyquil just aren't cutting it any more.

 

by Hatrix
5-09-08
Good thing the dentist had time for your emergency. What did she say?
I cracked another tooth.
And the bite plate?
Cracked that too.
Did she have any suggestions?
She recommends I never own a firearm.

 

by Hatrix
5-09-08
I'm sorry I have such an uncontrollable, volitile and destructive temper. I really am.
Hey it's ok. It's just stuff. I know you don't mean it.
Being insane sucks.
You're not insane. You have a chemical imbalance.
That's PC for "batshit insane but appears normal" you know.
Yeah but if I say that you'll hit me.

 

I was kidding when I said you were crazy. Really. Now please! Put down the axe!
by Hatrix, 5-09-08

 

by Hatrix
5-13-08
Look you KNOW you can't wear stuff like that to work. There have been complaints from other people. Save it for casual day.
I started five days ago. I had no idea I couldn't wear this to work. I'm sorry.
Next Casual Day...
What is it with you? Didn't I say you could wear what you wanted on casual day? You just do this for spite don't you?
I beg your pardon? Look I just threw on what I usually wear and it's comfortable. I'm sorry if it's not casual enough for you.
No wonder no one likes you.
Which reminds me I haven't actually been introduced to the staff yet. At least that would give them a name to hate.

 

by Hatrix
5-13-08
So how's the new corporate job?
It sucks. I thought it would be like the last one. Everyone was so professional and intelligent.
You've only been there a little over a week. Give it some time.
And in that time I've had two 'warnings' about my clothing from a half-wit manager and no one has bothered to introduce themselves.
Have you tried bringing donuts? Caged office workers love donuts.
I'm pretty sure I saw a "do not feed the animals" sign near the break room.

 

by Hatrix
5-14-08
Somewhere... in his mom's basement
John Edwards has officially endorsed Obama for the Democratic nomination.
WHAT? That ASSHOLE! This can't be HAPPENING! Ooooooo I'll ...
That's it! I'm hitting the forums! My flame war shall burn the internet to ashes! Don't worry Hillary! I'll hurt them for you!
Dude lighten up or I'll delete your porn.

 

by Hatrix
5-14-08
3 Days After Armageddon...
I'm bored.

 

by Hatrix
5-15-08
You know what I hate?
Jews?
Yah!
Never lost the accent...
Oran Jews ana Appla Jews ana Grapa Jews is turrbul stuffs!
Yah yah!

 

by Hatrix
5-15-08
Oh hey Babs, I see you haven't paid your 'birthday fund' dues. What's up with that?
Mr. Davis I'm a temp. I'm only going to be here three weeks and my birthday was three months ago.
So?
Why should I have to donate to a birthday fund? Besides, I'm not making enough to cover my bus pass at this gig.
Fine I'll just have payroll take it out for you.
Thanks. Appreciate it.

 

by Hatrix
5-15-08

 

by Hatrix
5-15-08
Look I'm sorry. It's not that you're not capable of doing the job. You're actually very efficient.
Then ... why are you firing me?
Because everyone hates you.
Oh.

 

by Hatrix
5-16-08
I fucking hate birthdays.
Oh boo hoo! You not get what you want last year? What's your big birthday trauma?
What?
People have such unrealistic expectations about birthdays.
I was going to say that I hate the fact that I can never afford to buy my sister something nice but never mind.
Yeah. Well.. I'm just going to go stick my head in the urinal now.

 

by Hatrix
5-16-08
I did it again. I insulted a friend while she was trying to talk to me. What is wrong with me? Do I lack empathy?
Hey man...ist hokay. I'll git ya sum fer yer birfday.
Fuck you man.
She's right yer a asshole.

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
On tonight's call in we're discussing bad birthdays. Got a bad birthday story? Call in and share!
Hi Marty, my mother was killed by a drunk driver on my birthday.
Hey Marty... I caught my husband cheating on me at my birthday party.... with my brother.
Birthdays? Oh man on my last birthday I lost my job, got plastered and got mugged. Woke up in the hospital missing three fingers and a bunch of teeth!
And we'll be right back after this...
The leaders at the commune didn't allow the kids to have birthdays. Said it promoted 'individual identity' and that was bad. The cake is a lie.
Sure glad I didn't lead with my story about getting a garbage can for my tenth birthday. Damn!

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
Hey! It's Mandingo's birthday! Wanna fuck?
Who's Mandingo?
Does it matter?
No.
Happy Birthday MandingoooooOOOOH!

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
Oh my fucking GOD! I just got it!
The clap?
No. Dick. The fact that life is a joke with no punchline.
Oh that. So you want a drink?
No. I want 12.
You're buying.

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
I can haz cheezburgr?
bitch?

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaAAAAaa aaaAAAAAAAAAAA!
AaaaaaaaAAaa AAAAAAAAAAaaaa AAAAAAA!!!!!
Hon, the chinchilla has apparently escaped again.
HA! Yeah I heard!

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
..misogyny, racism, persecution, murder, rape, pedopheila, looting, genocide, schysms, death cults, and the best you can do is 'God wrote the bible?'
When I said "fossil record" his head exploded.
You must have been pleased to discover that ability.
Oh hell yeah.
It explains the brochures for "bible camp" I found in the car.

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
And this will be your station.
Yeah. Hehehehe This will do fine yeah. Oh yeah.
How does a freak like you land a private office and a specialized job?
Just lucky I guess.
We never needed a department for laytex and auto erotic related incidents before.
*wheeze* Yeah. Heh. Hey man bring me today's files and some lotion!

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
No luck.
Damn it Jimmie!
I'm almost sure I can do it right. Just give me one more chance. Please?
Ok but this is the last time I let you pretend you're me on days I'm scheduled for surgery.
That last guy wasn't prepared for the amputation anyway.
That's because she was expecting us to deliver her baby.

 

by Hatrix
5-17-08
Babe, if I slipped into a coma would you ... pull the plug on me?
Of course not!
Oh honey I love you too!
Surprise coma sex!

 

by Hatrix
5-20-08
Special Group Rates Available
h-hey. Won't one of you people please call someone to help me? A lawyer? My family?
And this is the final stop on our tour of the now infamous guantanamo. The last inmate. Just ignore his whining.
You folks look like nice safe republican types. Can you slip me a file? How about a bribe?
This of course is the war criminal responsible for secret prisons. I'm going to step aside now so you folks can spit and throw things. No blades please sir.
New Show Every Hour!
How about if I dance for ya? Would you like that? The press always loved it when I danced! Please! Not the face!
Afterwards our prisoner will help us demonstrate what "waterboarding" is for the audience.

 

First time for Sixty nine.
oh fuck
OhmyGAWD! Did you just FART?
by Hatrix, 5-20-08

 

by Hatrix
5-20-08
Hey buddy! What's the matter with you?
You high or something?
Oh sweet jesus it can read my MIND!

 

by Hatrix
5-20-08
*whirrrrrrrrrr*
So I said "Do you like what you see?" and she said...
I have no sensors with which to access visual data.
*whirrrrrrrrrr*
*whirrrrrrrrrr*
I know you're out there I can hear your hard drives spinning.

 

Autopsy
At least this wasn't the Sugarman Bris!
by Hatrix, 5-20-08

 

by Hatrix
5-22-08
Ms.Litwitch what are you doing back here?
In spite of your assurance this wouldn't happen the teachers are using the library for detention again and I'm avoiding the flying debris.
Hmmm. I think we'll do your performance review today. Be in my office at 3:30
Yeah sure. That'll happen.
It's not a request.
You show me the line in my contract that says "slave" and then we'll talk ...asshole

 

by Hatrix
5-22-08
Hey Libby. Why is the library closed? Doors locked, lights off, what's up?
So you just decided to break in?
Heh yeah well the principal gave me a key because your office is always locked when I want to use the internet.
My office is locked because it's my office and the bank of computers in the main room [which was also locked] are for surfing.
Yeah for the kids. I'm a teacher. Oh by the way you'll probably start getting calls for me. Just take a message.
Yeah. I'll get right on that.

 

by Hatrix
5-22-08
Then I find out the new gr.10 math teacher is using my office without my permission! His reason is he's a man and he needs it.
The guy is a toad. Heard him in your office screaming at his wife on the phone.
He's married? Poor woman.
Or stupid.
Her obvious lack of judgement does suggest some kind of mental defect.

 

by Hatrix
5-22-08
So my transmission goes bad and I bring it to you. After your "repairs" it dies as I'm driving away from your shop and your response is "tough shit"?
I didn't make any guarantees.
Actually you did. So then I STUPIDLY bring it back assuming the asshole who fucked it up will be required to fix it.
Look I fixed it and it works but you're on your own from here.
Did you even test drive it after your dubious "repairs"?
I backed it out of the garage once.

 

"Third time's a charm" is NOT something I want to hear from my fucking mechanic!
by Hatrix, 5-22-08

 

by Hatrix
5-22-08
I'm sorry you had so much trouble with the mechanic hon.
Yeah. But I dealt with it.
Well did the idiot tell you what the car needs THIS time?
Yeah...
Fire insurance.

 

by Hatrix
5-24-08
Somewhere in a busy bakery...
Dave?... Dave?
Happy 70th Bday Man!
Hey Dave, are you cooking the brownies for the Tommy Chong birthday party?
Dave's not here man.

 

by Hatrix
5-24-08
Hey Christopher7murphy! Happy Birthday! Let me buy you a drink!
Thanks! It's actually tomorrow.
So are you going to have a big cake and lots of candles?
Oh no...
I don't want to make light of my age.

 

by Hatrix
5-25-08
Ok earthman...
Oh god! You're here! Oh damn damn damn just hang on!! Just one sec ok?
Oh man I knew this was going to happen I can't believe I'm not ready!
Happy Towel Day to the rest of you!
Are you telling me you don't know where your towel is?
I swear I had it just yesterday!

 

by Hatrix
5-25-08
Not often they use a green screen for porn.
It's in 3D
Hey! no one said anything about a goat!
When I strip the night stick is all they'll see right?
Right.

 

by Hatrix
6-02-08
*refresh*....*refresh*... *refresh*...
?
??
*refresh*....*refresh*... *refresh*...
!?
!!
*refresh*....*refresh*... *refresh*...
*sob*
It's only been an hour!

Showing page 7.

« Previous Next »