All comics by Screwball

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by Screwball
7-24-06
Half the people from the old comic strip have gone away. They don't want to be in my strip anymore, or I can't use them
Except him.
You're still a fucking queer.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
This is my buddy Justin
We go way back...way, way back,
Actually we don't, but it's fun to say "way, way, back."
Who gets the bluwjob again?

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
You know my friend Snake.
You know my friend Snake.
I wish I didn't know him.
I'll get you for this.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
This is Laylani.
Laylani's a friend of mine, and she rules the world.
If I say anything bad about her, she'll beat me up.
Like I'm about to do now?

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Silent treatment.
Silent treatment.
Go ahead...
Are you blind? Fucking Rose! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MARK TEXIERA WERE YOU THINKING!!??

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Look, Jesse, I understand why you're pissed at me, but I wanted to fuck the boy and that's all there is to it.
You think so, huh?
This is going to come back to haunt me, isn't it?
Like Casper on Quaaludes.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Man, you should have seen it...she was so hot for me. For me! It felt so good to have someone who enjoyed ME fucking them!
I did her already.
You hate me, don't you??
Ask your buddy Tae about her too. And Julio. And Ray. And....

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
This is my buddy Julio.
I miss him all the time.
I really have to improve my aim.
Stay off Belmont when you come back...

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Jesse, why?
Why what?
How do you always get people to fall in love with you? Like me? Is it the charm? The smile? The conversation?
No, because anytime people see me with you they think it's a pity fuck and my stock goes up. And the money you give me...

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
George W.Bush continues to push the FMA with this "sancitity of marriage" claptrap.
50 percent of marriages end in divorce in their first 5 years.
See what happens when you let a jackass run the country?
You have to put food on your family...

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
I used to fancy myself a bit of a romantic.
So to land a boy I really liked, I sang him the theme from Moonlighting.
He died from choking on his own laughter.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
When I was 17, I said "I won't be a spinless jellyfish...I'm gonna kiss the next person who comes around that corner."
It was Ken Shamrock.
Being in traction is fun.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
So people are shocked and pissed because Canseco said Bonds gets roid rages.
And that Barry Bonds is still playing.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
So I was talking to Julio the other day and he told me he had been in Minneapolis
Yeah? What street was he staying on?
Como.
I always said you were just a big Como...

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Man, this brings back memories.
Yeah?
Yeah, this was the first time I ever got laid at a bar
Really? What was she like?
She?
Leave me alone.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
No. Absolutely not.
But....
No way, no how, fat chance, when Carson Kressley tops.
Jesse...
All I was going to say was did you want to get a drink amd go hang out at Roscoes.
He's still talking...I need a gun.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
So, what's up??
Has anything improved?
No, I still have no life.
And why not??
Um...I love porn?
Get the paramedics ready...

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Now, Twan, knock this bullshit off...you're good looking, this low self-confidence crap is nauseating.
Oh Yeah? Well, who in the hell do I look like??
Dilbert?
Gee, thanks.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
I guess you'te all wondering why I called you here today.
It seems I've been accused of a nasty rumor that I was sleeping with Vin Diesel. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth..
It was RuPaul Charles.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
I have an announcement to make.
I'm declaring myself the dictator of the United States.
TBC?
And as my first order of business, Tom Green shall be assassinated!

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Sir, you can't have Tom Green killed, he's a Canadian.
I'm a dictator, aren't I? I do as I please! Besides, he lives in L.A.
But sir...
Nonsense! Now, get the SCUD missiles ready.
Hey, Muriel, look! The crazy bastard's back having the dictator daydream again!
Drat.

 

by Screwball
7-24-06
Hey, this looks like fun.
"www.randommobnicknames.com
Anddddddd...finished.
Please wait.
Tony "The Noodle" D'Arco???

 

by Screwball
7-25-06
Okay, we can do better than "The Noodle"
Let's see...I'm 1/8th Indian, I'm bald, and I'm queer...
MOB NICKNAME: Dead Man Wallking

 

by Screwball
7-25-06
So what happened to Josh??
He moved back to Raleigh. Something about rediscovering his roots.
Did you fuck him?
Do I LOOK like I fucked him?
Most of the time you look like you should be arrested and beaten mercilessly by cops, the fire department and anyone else who wants to take a swing.
Ever heard of the pot and the kettle?

 

by Screwball
7-25-06
Hey, Twan, we found a blind date for you!
Hold it, Tasha.
What?
The last blind date you had for me had a fat ass and tried to top me even though I said I don't do that! What could possibly be different here??
Um...she swallows?
Count me in.

 

by Screwball
7-26-06
Charles Schulz once drew a comic strip where Charlie Brown says we're here to make others happy.
I asked my ex how I could make her happy.
She fucked me.
Fuck off.

 

by Screwball
7-26-06
You know, I find out that I really am attractive!
Like I've been telling you all the time!
Hey, it feels good to have confidence!
Of course!
Maybe I'll go advertise for a threesome!
Maybe I'll crush your windpipe with my fist.

 

by Screwball
7-26-06
Weird...my horoscope is rather personal today.
"You will greet a returning parasite today."
I'm home!
How prophetic.

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
What happened? I thought you were going to find yourself.
I did.
So why'd you come back??
Because the mission was over.
ANNNNND...You missed the free rent.
That too.

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
Well, since you're home, we might as well go have a drink.
Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
We'll go to Armando's.
Armando's?
Yeah, it's the bar where all the bottoms hang out.
Well, that means you've had all of them...why am I going?

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
How was your trip?
Well, it was kind of weird...
How so?
Well, I hooked up at a bar called Frank's with a guy and got in an argument with the bartender. He got my money but I got something else.
Valuble life experience?
Arrested.

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
Hey, Allen, what's going on?
Man...
What?
Remember I told you about the chick I met at hunter's? The one who told me I was cute and she would probably fall in love with me because I was perfect?
Yeah...
She left me for a fat guy with a peg leg.

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
Lord...100 degrees 3 straight days...
It's too hot to get laid...
You weren't getting laid anyway.
Get lost.

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
Newt, Yew and me gotta figure out how we can punish these asshole Democrats.
Ah knowe dat, Dubyew, bhut ya knowe ah'm two dum ta figger owt hah to dew eht
Newt, while I know you're not exactly the brains of this outfit I do have a use for you.
Yeh? Sa twell mah, Mhista Dubyew, whet aw weh ghona dew?
Hmmm...Maybe we can take more rights away and raise gas prices...the voters'll love us.
Ah gawt a bedda ahdea...wa dhn't weh staht anodda wah agin cannadh?

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
I wonder why no one ever calls me when crime is up...
Republican Man, come quick! My grandmother is being mugged by 5 men and needs your help!
Is your grandmother a Republican, little girl?
No, I don't think so.
Quit wasting my time.

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
Hey, Allen, what's up!
Home run!
60's lingo again, Allen?
No, a home run is a creampie...

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
I always wondered, Twan, how did you land chicks?
I usually just was honest with them and told them how I felt.
It made a lot of difference.
BUT YOU'RE GAY!
I didn't say it worked, did I?

 

by Screwball
7-30-06
I got a letter from a young fan asking me why I no longer identify as bi.
Well, young fan, it's simple.
Bi guys don't get laid, straight chicks hate them
Gay chicks hate them.
Plus who needs something that bleeds once a month?
Send all letters corresponding to ths strip to James Lay, 420 Bumfuck Lane, Grand Island, Nebraska...

 

by Screwball
7-31-06
Hey, Twan, what do you get when you cross West Virginia with weed?
What?
A Rocky Mountain High!
The Rockies are in Colorado.
Who gives a shit about baseball?

 

by Screwball
7-31-06
A PSP: 457 dollars.
A digital camera: 150 dollars.
A prostitute who gives you the clap but it's a good fuck: Doesn't exist.

 

by Screwball
7-31-06
A brand new Jag, $58,000
Gasoline, $3.75 a gallon.
Beating the living hell out of the chairman of ExxonMobil: Priceless.

 

by Screwball
7-31-06
A double cheeseburger: 99 cents
A McChicken: 99 cents
Torturing Ronald McDonald with an ice pick: Priceless-and fun!

 

by Screwball
7-31-06
Movie tickets: 10 dollars.
The budget for Titanic: $200 million.
Mel Gibson being arrested by Jewish cops: Priceless.

 

by Screwball
7-31-06
Explain something to me.
Sure, but make it quick.
What did you do while I was gone? Italian guys have been sitting outside the house the last couple of weeks.
About that..
If I really did this, I would be in cement shoes before sundown.
I insulted James Caan's role in The Godfather and robbed his casino.
I don't know you.

 

by Screwball
8-01-06
I've been getting hit on all the time, I'm really getting sick of it.
Really?
You do many drugs, don't you?

 

by Screwball
8-01-06
You know the guy I'm supposed to go out with Saturday?
Yeah?
He talks like a friggin Valley Girl.
Hold it...
Why doesn't this worry you in any way?
Because I'm Rick James, bitch.

 

by Screwball
8-31-06
Know what we need?
Jobs?
We're cartoon characters, Twan.

 

by Screwball
8-31-06
The other day I met a really nice guy.
Really?
Yeah, we had lots of fun, and we...
I don't want to hear about it.
Jeez, take a Midol, bitch!
When did you start talking like a flaming fag?

 

by Screwball
8-31-06
In the previous comic strip, I advised my friend Josh to "take a Midol, bitch"
I don't really talk like that, of course.
When did you get that blonde hair, Twan? And you're switching when you walk.
Go stick your finger in an electric socket.

 

by Screwball
9-07-06
What's the worst part about roller skating?
Telling your parents you're gay.
AccentuateNegative: Isn't that MY joke???
I...uh, um, look, a black pornstar at a glory hole!
That's your bathroom.
Fuck.

Showing page 7.

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