All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
1-22-04
RAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Sucky sucky, fie dollah.
Aha! It is me, Jesus.
What the fuck are you talking about?
by surrounding it in familiar ones...
MOH!
SCIENCE!

 

by UnknownEric
1-27-04
I dunno, can you show me that picture of you making out with the redhead again?

 

by UnknownEric
1-27-04
One day in Coconino...
...there is a heppy lend, fur, fur awaaaayyy...
Here comes Krazy Kat. Thank goodness I have this brick with which to kiss his sweet noggin.
Whoo! My pyrotechnic exploding brick worked wonders, I tell ya.
DISCLAIMER: If you've never read Krazy Kat, this will make no sense at all. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Off to federal pound-yer-ass prison, ye scoundrel.
Help. Police brutality.

 

by UnknownEric
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Sorry for the short notice, but I'm currently feeling nuts.
As I can see.

 

by UnknownEric
1-30-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Unfortunately, the enema ran out, so it looks like only I will be making snickerdoodles tonight.
Bummer.

 

by UnknownEric
1-30-04
Hey, lady... follow me down the rabbit hole.
Well, I suppose a cute fuzzy bunny can't steer me wrong!
BLACK CATS WOOOOOOOOO!
Oh, shit.

 

by UnknownEric
2-02-04
Gonna rock yer body, please stay...
Gonna have you naked by the end of this song.
*rip*
Thank God I just got Tivo!

 

by UnknownEric
2-02-04
In breaking news, we're bringing you team coverage of the growing controversy that is Janet Jackson's titty.
We now go live to Betty Humpter, who's out in the field right now. Betty?
Hugh, the chaos you see behind me gives a sinister new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, those are pretty big!"

 

by UnknownEric
2-02-04
I'm here with one of the rioters right now. Sir, can you tell me what made you go on this spree?
Well, Betty, I've dealt with a lot... the government lying about Iraq...
... losing my job to downsizing, our civil rights being diminished...
...but when I saw Janet's booby on TV, it just destroyed everything I've been living for.

 

by UnknownEric
2-02-04
Thank you, Betty, for such a stirring example of the evils of showing the naked human body on broadcast TV.
In related news, President Bush has vowed to root out the 'evil-doers' who allowed a breast to be exposed to our sheltered youth.
Also, seeing what a commotion just one can cause, the whole group The Hooters has announced a reunion tour for this summer.

 

by UnknownEric
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
I made Janet Jackson's Super Bowl costume. So, needless to say, I've been busy hiding out from the NFL, MTV, FCC....

 

by UnknownEric
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
I quit two weeks ago, I just didn't bother telling you because you're a prick.

 

by UnknownEric
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
...I tried to compliment Bob Knight at a salad bar and well... things got heated.

 

by UnknownEric
2-04-04
Show me your tits.
No.
C'mon! It's not like I'm secretly videotaping this to sell as part of a video series via late night infomercials.
Oh, alright.
wOOt! That's going on Volume 23.
Moh.

 

by UnknownEric
2-04-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
We had to order a pre-emptive strike due to the fact that you may produce Reports of Mass Destruction.
Damn it.

 

by UnknownEric
2-04-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
...I'm a lazy sod.

 

by UnknownEric
2-05-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
Oh, it's alright, son. I'll just fire your assistant for not doing them for you.
Wow, thanks Dad!

 

by UnknownEric
2-05-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
I was waiting for you to sing "Pictures of Lily," but you did the whole of Tommy first...

 

by UnknownEric
2-05-04
Wirthling sucks!

 

by UnknownEric
2-06-04
Hi, I'm President George W. Bush. Recently a Massachusetts court ruled in favor of gay marriage.
Being a person who lives his life based on some stuff written in a poorly translated book, this offends me.
So I'm coming out in favor of a constitutional amendment that guarantees that nothing that offends me will EVER happen in the United States.

 

by UnknownEric
2-06-04
Come, son/daughter, it's time for your favorite show!
Time for Tubby bye-bye...
The sun sucks.

 

by UnknownEric
2-06-04
Hi, Jenny. You know how you were telling me about that book that people base their entire lives on?
You mean the Bible?
Yeah. Well, I decided to base my life around a different book.
Really? Which one? The Qu'ran? The Bhagavad Gita?
No. Bret Easton Ellis' "American Psycho."
Aw crap.

 

by UnknownEric
2-06-04
I know you're upset that we're leaving for the night, but we got you a nice, fun babysitter.
Hey there, kiddo!
This sucks.

 

by UnknownEric
2-10-04
Hey Jim! How's that new job at Welfare and Human Services going?
Not so good. I've been assigned to try to make food stamps seem cooler. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Say, how's your new TV season coming?
Not so great... but hey! I just thought of a way we could help each other out!
Really?
Welcome to the debut episode of WHO WANTS TO BE A FOOD STAMP MILLIONAIRE?

 

by UnknownEric
2-10-04
Our first contestant on WHO WANTS TO BE A FOOD STAMP MILLIONAIRE? is Cletus from Yakinsaw, Georgia.
S'great to be here, Roogis.
Your first question, for 1 food stamp is... Fill in the blank. The United blank of America.
Dangit, this be one o' those po-litical questions. Uhh, George Bush!
The United George Bush of America?
Yeah! Gimme my food stamps, dammit.

 

by UnknownEric
2-10-04
Our next contestant is Staci, with an "i", from... umm... that trailer park down by the Piggly Wiggly.
That's right. What's my question?
Your question, for 1 food stamp, is... Name a word that rhymes with "neat."
Oh, that's easy! Clean!
Do you know what "rhymes" means?
Busta Rhymes?

 

by UnknownEric
2-10-04
Our final contestant today is Mika. How are you today, Mika?
No speak English.
Oh, for cripes sake, she doesn't even speak English! This is ridiculous. I quit!
Sucky sucky fie food stamp.

 

by UnknownEric
2-11-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
He tried to date Courtney Love.

 

by UnknownEric
2-11-04
So what kinda music you into?
Oh, I listen to REALLY OBSCURE shit, like the bands on Vagrant and Jade Tree.
You're talking to someone who spends entire days downloading obscure indiepop mp3s in search of that heroin-like buzz one gets from a great pop song.
Okay, you win THIS round, but...

 

by UnknownEric
2-12-04
Obsession. By Calvin Klein.

 

by UnknownEric
2-12-04
WHERE DID RPM GO??
HE MUST HAT ME OH SO SAD
Can I help you?
Yes, I'm looking for a hat of the "OH SO SAD" variety.

 

by UnknownEric
2-12-04
TICKET FOR YOU!!!
arf!
THE PANTS ARE HOT, AS IN HOTPANTS!
arf!
Okay now seriously, are you gonna suck my cock or not?

 

by UnknownEric
2-12-04
Well, that was like throwin' a hot dog down a hallway.
I thought black men were hung.
CHOP OFF DE COCK!

 

by UnknownEric
2-12-04
BLAR! I AM A RETARD! LOOK INTO A MAN'S ANUS!
BANNED!
If anyone else had've posted that you wouldn't have banned them!
Lies.
A retard told me to look into your anus.
In that case, I'll bend over.

 

by UnknownEric
2-12-04
Wow, when you said you wanted to "fuck me real bad," you meant it literally, huh?
Eh, I got fucked better than that when I was 12.
Oh my God, I really DID fuck the shit out of you!

 

by UnknownEric
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
Mrs. Palm, you've got five luvverly daughters...

 

by UnknownEric
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
Would you like to see my complete collection of everything ever released on Sarah Records?
Marry me.

 

by UnknownEric
2-13-04
Yo Tom, how did you lose so much weight in three months??
Hey Jacob. I've been using those YellowJacket energy enhancing pills. They're great man, they give me so much energy.
Cool man, I gotta try those. I saw them at my local GNC.
Just remember... READ THE DIRECTIONS, and you'll be fine. Unlike some people I know.
some people he knows...
BLEAOOOOORRRGGGGGG!

 

by UnknownEric
2-14-04
How about my Spaghettios for your Mushroom Gravy?
Deal!

 

by UnknownEric
2-14-04
You know, the days of quality television are over. Our studies show that people want to watch complete shit.
Are you saying what I think you're saying.
Yes. Let's cancel Angel. It's a well-written, well-loved intelligent drama with a rabid fan base.
Yeah, that's gotta go.
And let's replace it with teenage girls reading their diaries and giggling for three hours.
BRILLIANT!!!

 

by UnknownEric
2-17-04
I hope this blind date is better than the last three Amy set me up with.
Hi, are you TOBOR?
YES!
I guess he's kinda cute.
TOBOR GETTIN' LAID TONITE!!!

 

by UnknownEric
2-18-04
The WB would like to announce, that, in order to appease Unknown Eric, we've decided to replace his favorite show Angel with his favorite sport, NHL Hockey. We've signed a contract to air live games.
Uhh, boss... the NHL and its players are about to enter into a lengthy labor dispute that will likely wipe out the entire next season.
Uhh... never mind.

 

by UnknownEric
2-19-04
Jeremy Roenick speaks on behalf of the NHL Players' Association.
and that's why the players will never accept a salary cap that would stop us from earning what we're worth.
How much did you make this season?
Excuse me?
This season, how much money did you make?
Uhh, about 7 million.
You'd have to sexually satisfy every Flyers fan to be worth that, JR.

 

by UnknownEric
2-20-04
Hi, Jesus. I have another question for you.
*sigh* What is it?
You know how the Catholic Church claims that through transubstantiation, the bread is turned into your body?
Yeah.
Did you have any idea you tasted so good?
Darn tootin'!

 

by UnknownEric
2-20-04
What ya makin' for dinner?
Horse shit and onions.
Aww, Betty...
...you know onions make me sick.

 

by UnknownEric
2-28-04
Hi, I'm Chris. I was told I was needed for something...
Yes, yes... would you like to relieve people of their sins?
Relieve? Dude, I'm not sure what you're talking about.
You'll be famous! Worshipped! A movie star!
Moh.

 

by UnknownEric
2-28-04
"He's funny, but he likes to set puppies on fire."
Hey! That's not true at all!
They were FULL GROWN DOGS!

 

by UnknownEric
2-28-04
I think my Xbox is fucked up.

 

by UnknownEric
3-02-04
Listen you sack of shit. I'm telling you one more time. GIVE ME MY BONE.
It would be great if you could talk, Buffo! Then I could understand everything you say!
That's it. You're going down, man.
Sure enough, I get the human who likes it.
Ooooh! A Cleveland Steamer!

 

by UnknownEric
3-02-04
What's the status of your unit, private?
Bad, sir. Most of our men died in the last battle. We only have left myself, Poncho, and Willie, who is badly wounded in the left leg.
Looks bad for us. I guess there's only one thing left to do.
What's that, sir?
Bust out the Limburger.
Ahhh, we're gonna SMOKE 'em out, eh?

Showing page 7.

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