All comics by Xuanwu

Profile

 

...and that's when I had my left testicle removed. Hey, where are you going?
by Xuanwu, 7-04-07

 

by Xuanwu
7-08-07
Hey, that was a neat trick.
Thank you.
I've never seen anyone juggle six lamps at once before. How did you do it?
They were very light.

 

by Xuanwu
7-08-07
Behold! I now possess the t-shirt of the future! The ultimate statement of individuality!
Um...what happened to your body?
The shirt produces a glow - to reflect the light of my soul - by converting my flesh into photons.
You might not want to wear that for very long. You don't look so good.
Oh, sure. I should take advice on self-expression from Mr. "Comics own my soul so much I tattooed my face."
I liked Watchmen before they were cool.

 

by Xuanwu
7-08-07
I hear Warner Bros. Animation has been laying off voice actors.
Yeah. Tara Strong and Hynden Walch both got the axe.
Weren't they the ones who played Raven and Starfire? They were great!
Yeah. Now they'll have to titan their purse strings.

 

by Xuanwu
7-08-07
Conspiracy!
I DISBELIEVE!
Irresponsible corporate bureaucracy!

 

by Xuanwu
7-09-07
Let me ring up your purchase. Oh! You qualify for a special promotion.
Yay! I hope I get another slogan covered t-shirt free!
According to the computer, it says you get... to die.
What?! What kind of sucky promotion is that?! I'm never shopping here again!
You got that right.

 

by Xuanwu
7-09-07
Drew! Store clerks across the country have been killing our customers! And it's because of a "special promotion" that YOU started!
But you said they were "Sheep to the slaughter."
No! Our competitors are "lambs for the slaughter." Our customers are "sheep for the fleecing." We can't fleece dead sheep!
Oh.
Want some haggis? Made fresh today.

 

Now I won't leave any hole unstretched anymore!
Oh, god!
by Xuanwu, 7-12-07

 

Now I don't need help to give you a bukkake anymore!
Oh, god!
by Xuanwu, 7-12-07

 

Your father is dead.
by Xuanwu, 7-15-07

 

by Xuanwu
7-19-07
Hello, Mr. Anderson, remember me?
Uh, what?
You set me free. And now I've come to repay the favor.
Wait... I remember. I put money in your cup when you were dancing on the sidewalk.
Yes. You paid the bond that kept me a prisoner. And now that bond shall be passed on...to YOU!
NOOOOOOOOO!

 

by Xuanwu
7-19-07
Ah, finally. Now we shall finally uncover it!
Uncover what?
Conspiracy!
Um...what kind?
The conpiracy that causes all this perfectly good meat to waste away in the ground!
Uh...pass.

 

by Xuanwu
7-21-07
Hello, remember me?
AH!
I DISBELIEVE!
You cannot disbelieve the truth. The truth of the clowns...and our vengeance.
Pudding! NOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by Xuanwu
7-22-07
X-Men
Greetings! I am Professor Xavier, the most powerful lesbian on the planet.
I'm Jean. I'm a lesbian and a lesbokinetic.
This is Cerebro. With it, I can use lesbianism to touch every mutant on the planet.
*Snikt*

 

by Xuanwu
7-22-07
Citrus farmers are going through a rough spot this year.
Yeah. Some singers are organizing a fund raising event to help them.
What are they calling it?
Lime Aid.

 

by Xuanwu
7-22-07
What's that on the TV?
"Avatar: The Last Airbender." It's actually pretty good.
Later...
Wow, that Zuko guy sure is mad.
He has Aang-er issues.
I like the way the heroes put up a good fight.
Yeah. They can really Sokka it to them.

 

Hello. You've been out of it for 40 years. Or rather, you would've been if my second coming hadn't hit in 2012.
I mised Armageddon? Nuts.
by Xuanwu, 7-24-07

 

Welcome. You've spent the last 40 years in cryogenic stasis. Everyone you ever knew is dead.
Whoo!
by Xuanwu, 7-24-07

 

by Xuanwu
7-24-07
[Opening banter]
[Friendly reply]
[Lead-in]
[Foreshadowing response]
[Setup]
[Pun-chline]

 

They say less and less girls are entering cloisters.
I guess they think it's a bunch of nun-sense.
by Xuanwu, 7-24-07

 

Ice cream seems to be selling well among Zen Buddhists these days.
They need something to put in their koans.
by Xuanwu, 7-25-07

 

by Xuanwu
7-25-07
Well, I'm bankrupt.
I win!

 

by Xuanwu
8-10-07
They're getting ready to make a sequel to the Transformers movie.
Yeah. Optimus is going to be an underwater vessel this time.
Why would they do that?
The producers want to appeal to the Sub Prime market.

 

That guy's wearing a suit covered in thumbtacks.
He must have heard that every girl's crazy for a sharp dressed man.
by Xuanwu, 8-12-07

 

by Xuanwu
8-12-07
Archeologists are saying Egyptians made contact with ancient Scandinavians.
Probably happened when they ventured into the Arctic Circle. First time they ever saw frozen water!
Apparently that's what inspired one of the goddesses in their pantheons.
Yep. Ice-is.

 

by Xuanwu
8-13-07
Have you seen the plot details of the next Star Trek movie?
Yeah. The Enterprise has to save the Norns.
The Norns are just a race of advanced time controlling aliens, right?
Yeah. They use a device that looks like a weaving machine to manipulate fate via entropic forces.
I really hope Patrick Stewart makes a cameo.
"Make it sew."

 

by Xuanwu
8-13-07
Now I don't have to envy male pornstars anymore!
Oh, god!
Now I don't have to envy horses anymore!
Oh, god!
Now I don't have to envy whales anymore!
Oh, gooooood!

 

by Xuanwu
8-16-07
Mattel has announced a recall of millions of toys made in China. Mattel says the toys are covered in lead paint.
The Chinese businessman responsible was not available for comment, since he's been executed for being an idiot.
According to some of the workers, he was trying to make the toys "Superman proof."

 

by Xuanwu
8-21-07
Welcome to Castle Anthrax!
Bugger.

 

by Xuanwu
8-21-07
Please stay! The love of your rugged physique has been my only comfort in this post apocalyptic times!
I'm sorry, ma'am. But I made you a promise: that I would get the SOB who hurt you all those years ago.
Then at least promise me you'll never forget about our love!
I swear on my pa's self-generating gravitons.
10 years later...
And that's why he called that shootout the "Showdown at High Nun."

 

by Xuanwu
8-21-07
Yes! A woman! I've been so afraid I was the last man on earth. I'd just about sprained my wrist from - *cough* Hello!
Oh, I'm not a woman.
I'm a giant carnivorous cockroach with a nun shaped lure!
Mmm. The pasty ones taste sweeter.

 

by Xuanwu
8-21-07
Behold Rumiko Takahashi's latest creation!
You're a real jerk, I-Nun Yasha!
You sound like the recincarnation of my ex-boyfriend who died 50 years ago.
A half-angel, half-human nun fighting evil in the future!
Jesusshomaru! What do you want?!
I'm here to kill the half-angel bastard my Father conceived.
It's totally original, just like all her work!
We're under attack by bikini clad gender bending aliens! I need a sword!

 

by Xuanwu
8-22-07
In a post-apocalyptic world...
Hi, I'm Tina Turner. Have you seen my career anywhere?
A lone nun will fight to survive...
Please spare me! I have the mind of a child!
"Beyond Nun-derdome!"
I blame the Jews.

 

by Xuanwu
8-23-07
Oh, holy, God! Please, bless one of your loyal followers by explaining why you have rained destruction upon this world!
I DID IT FOR THE LULZ.
What-?! But...
HERE COMES THE WAAAAH-MBULANCE. KTHXBYE!
I have the sudden urge to slink into a basement, cry, and then cut myself.

 

by Xuanwu
8-23-07
At last, my warriors of virtue! We have purged this world of secular society! Now only God's righteousness shall remain!
But...weren't you made by scientists, the architects of secularism itself?
You're right. Only one solution, then: self-destruct, activate!
Wait! Suicide -
- is a sin! Oh, dear.

 

by Xuanwu
8-24-07
DEE DEE DEE!!!
... What?

 

by Xuanwu
8-24-07
That was strange. But at least there's a man still alive. Maybe I won't have to schtoink myself into a stupor!
DEE DEE DEE!!!
*Bang!*
AH!

 

by Xuanwu
8-24-07
Sorry for the trouble, ma'am. But he was the only other man alive. And I think you can understand why I couldn't let him breed.
Um, okay. Want to claim my virginity as a prize?
I'm afraid not. You see, I just killed a man. And there's only one penalty for a cold, calculating murderer like me.
I don't care! I just want something to rub me that isn't my own hand!
...Well, there's still his gun...

 

by Xuanwu
8-24-07
Let's see, take the gun, insert this end here, and...
*Goosh goosh goosh*
OH, YES! YES! OH, GOD! I LOVE IT! MMMMMMMM! DEEPER! AHHH!
*Click - BANG!*
...Oh, that's not good.

 

by Xuanwu
8-24-07
I'm bleeding to death with a gun stuck up my twat. Will God ever forgive me?
Sure I will. In fact, you're looking awfully sexy, babe.
Oh, glorious creator! Take me! Take me now and save me from this torment!
7 godly days later...
He fucked me in the bullet hole.

 

I hear Epidemiologists are starting to play World of Warcraft a lot.
Their battle cry is "For the Co-Horde!"
by Xuanwu, 8-26-07

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
What are you wearing?
It's my new shirt! It's got "Whore!" embalazoned right on the front. Like it?
Uh...
Oh, I see. Too subtle, huh?
...and that's when I got the idea: why not have a line of t-shirts with unambiguously wanton slogans!
Brilliant!

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
Okay, boys! You are now members of the "Cock Goes Wear" project! We are going to design and market the raunchiest, messiest, and above all horniest fashion ever seen!
Every slogan should make men cream on the spot! Women should be dripping over how hot their clothes are! And the clothes will hide as much as dental floss!
Question.
Yes?
Will we get to wear what we make? I'm a dirty little harlot myself and this is making my nipples hard.

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
So, here's some of the slogans we've thought of: "I love cock."
Too simple.
"Stick it in my ass."
Better. But still too tame.
"I'm a cum guzzling slut who wants thick, long meat stuffed in every hole."
I felt a twinge on that. Increase the raunchiness a hundredfold and then you've got something.

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
Yeah, so this crazy bitch wants some super raunchy slogans. You have a machine that can whip something up?
Well, I've been experimenting with a character augmenter. It can increase the inherent nature of a thing by several orders of magnitude.
Great! Our group's made a slogan she likes. She said to boost it by...uh...a million? Something like that.
Sure! Let me prep the machine. I was just finishing using it for other purposes.
...What did you try to augment?
Certainly not my Baywatch collection!

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
The slogan is done. We've got it printed on a prototype shirt. It's ready for your inspection.
Good work! Did you test it on anyone?
Yeah, one of the mail boys. He creamed his pants instantly, just as you wanted.
Great! I'm going to go see this baby right now!
Why didn't you also tell her that the mail boy died when he couldn't stop ejaculating, even after blood started shooting out?
Aren't you curious what's going to happen to her?

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
I have the shirt here. But I must warn you it's quite...potent.
Yeah, yeah. Show me what you've got!
Here it is.
AH! OH! UNNNNNH! OH GOD! I'M COMING! I'M COMING! OH SHIT! AAAAHHHHHH!
I've put it away! Are you all right?
All right? That was the best fucking orgasm I've ever had! Show it again!

 

by Xuanwu
8-30-07
Miss, I must warn you not to expose yourself again. There's no telling -
Shut up and show me the shirt, or I'll have your goddamn job.
Fine. Here.
AH! AH! AH! OH GOD! IT'S EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE! FUCK!
I wonder if this counts as losing my virginity...
I'M HAVING A DOUBLE! AH! NO, A TRIPLE! SHIT! IT'S A TRIPLE! OH GOOOOOOOOOD!

 

by Xuanwu
8-31-07
How many orgasms is she up to?
I think she just broke triple digits.
Whoa. I thought female ejaculation was something invented by pornos.
Yeah. She's been doing that since the mid-60's or so. Almost hit the ceiling a couple times during the 80's.
...Want to take two of the other prototypes out for a spin?
Oh, hell yes.

 

by Xuanwu
8-31-07
I managed to sneak these two shirts out of R&D. Don't read them; they're deadly for guys.
I know, I was there. But since we can't read them, how are we supposed to use them?
We wear them under our dress shirts. Then we flash unsuspecting women, like this.
Won't we get in trouble?
What are they going to tell police? Looking at our shirted chests caused uncontrollable orgasms? We'll be lauded as gods among men for it!
You're right! And then maybe that red haired intern will finally notice me...

Showing page 7.

« Previous Next »