All comics by biped

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by biped
5-27-04
If you people smell something fetid, it's just our urine.
Yeah! Good thing we brought these funnels!
Look, there's Mr. Cammerdiener. But that isn't Mrs. Cammerdiener.
HI, MR. CAMMERDIENER! WE'LL TAKE OUR HUSH MONEY IN SMALL BILLS, PLEASE!
Uh-oh...I left the bag open. All our scorpions are gone.
HEY, EVERYBODY! HELP US FIND OUR SCORPIONS!

 

by biped
5-27-04
So, have you lost all the feeling in your fingers and toes yet?
Not quite...there's still a slight tingling sensation in my left foot.
We're going to die out here, aren't we?
Probably. Unless some deus ex machina comes along.
Is that like a snow-cat or something?
Yes, Biff. It's God's snow-cat.

 

by biped
5-27-04
Wow! God drives a snow-cat?
Well...if Wayne Newton has one, then I'd imagine God has one.
I don't know. Wayne Newton has an awful lot of stuff.
Yes, but God created Wayne Newton.
Oh, yeah. God must've been in a funny mood when He did that, huh?
Biff, God's sense of humor is all around us.

 

by biped
5-27-04
Is us dying out here one of God's jokes?
Well, Biff, it was our decision to take that shortcut through an Arctic wasteland.
Oh, yeah...like, free will and stuff?
Yes. Unless, of course, you heard God's voice telling you not to put enough gasoline in the car before we started out.
No...it sounded more like my cousin Eddie's voice.
Biff, your cousin Eddie hates you.

 

by biped
5-27-04
Maybe if we pray, God will help us.
Good idea, Biff. Let's bow our heads in prayer. God, please help us out of this mess.
Hey, the ice melted...we're saved. Thank You, God.
Well, there's that deus ex machina I was hoping for.
But, I didn't get to see God's snow-cat.
We'll make a side trip to Vegas, then. Maybe we can see Wayne Newton's.

 

by biped
5-27-04
Ouch, I think she's actually hurt.
Ooh, yes Bob, that looked like a nasty fall.
Anyway, onto a different matter. If we believe the prophets of disaster our world could soon end due to global warming or a meteor strike.
And if this topic turns out to be true they may be right. We now go live to our reporter who's on the scene of a very interesting new find.
...I told you before, fifty bucks! And that's final!
Well, would you at least play with it for twenty? I -- huh? We're on? Um...SALLY, I'm here with the world's LEADING EXPERT on global warming...!

 

by biped
5-27-04
Oh, no! h8trboi13 just called me a "fag."
Tell him he should know, he's the expert on fags.
Uh-oh! He answered with "Translation: I am a fag."
Counter it with: "Translation: I know you are, lol. YUO = OWNED."
Gee thanks, Comeback Duck! I'm the hero of "Hobbit Chat" now!
Your mom's the hero of "Blowjob Chat."

 

by biped
5-28-04
Well, here we are. We should have the entire evening... "to ourselves." Heh, heh.
I'll just slip into something a little more "comfortable."
HEY! WHO THE HELL'S THE BLONDE BIMBO IN MY NEW BABY-DOLL NIGHTIE, YOU CAD?
CHIPPER! YOU CAME HOME A DAY EARLY!
Let us never speak of this again.
Agreed.

 

by biped
5-28-04
Whew! Finally got that last one buried. Boy, being a gravedigger is hard work.
HEY! LEMME OUTTA HERE! I'M STILL ALIVE! HEEELP!
OH, NO! And I could almost taste that first cold beer!
Ahh, you didn't hear nothin'. Who's gonna know? It's Miller Time, dude.
Let us never speak of this again.
Agreed.

 

by biped
5-29-04
Granny, couldn't we afford to go on an airline that has pressurized cabins?
No, dear. I'm afraid the old cookie jar doesn't go as far as it used to.
Is it really worth all this trouble just to go visit Uncle Ned?
Well, he has his heart set on us seeing that new septic tank.
What's so great about a new septic tank?
It was your Uncle Ned's 63th birthday present. His sister Edna built it herself.

 

by biped
5-29-04
We're serving dinner now, ma'am. Would you rather have the Spam cutlet or the Beenie Weenies?
Oh...whichever is the least aerodynamic, I suppose. It's awfully windy in here.
What about you, baby?
Oh...whichever one you think would be the easiest to pook up.
What would you like to drink with that, ma'am?
Do you have anything with codeine in it?

 

by biped
5-29-04
Okay, everyone -- we're going to have a fun little sing-a-long now. Ready? "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."
"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."
"If you're happy and you know how to pilot a passenger jet, and didn't have the Spam cutlet for dinner, clap your hands."
Oh, dear.

 

by biped
5-29-04
Okay, Granny...now ease off on those flaps just a bit...that's it...good...
Oh, my. This is much more complicated than a '57 Buick Skylark.
Well, here we are at Uncle Ned's. And if that septic tank doesn't give me a raging hardon, I'm going to fucking strangle him.
Now, now...it isn't Ned's fault the airplane crashed into the control tower.
Why did Uncle Ned have to die, Granny?
He fell into the septic tank, dear. I think he would've wanted it that way.

 

by biped
5-29-04
And now, Billy will give his book report.
My book report is on "Farmer Boy" by Laura Ingalls Wilder! Well, it sure was a good --
Billy, I hope you don't mind if I turn into a dinosaur at some point during your book report.
Huh?
...well, uh..it's...it's about this l-little boy...who lives on a f-farm...

 

by biped
5-29-04
Yes, go on.
H-he has to chop a lot of w-wood... uh...for the winter, and...a-and help with the...with the...
RAAAAR!!!!
...th-the harvesting...

 

by biped
5-29-04
Oh, I'll bet that was hard work for such a little boy.
Huh? Oh, yeah! It... it sure was! Why, most days he had to get up before --
RAAAAAR!!!!
Before what, Billy?
Before... *sob*...before the dinosaurs ate him!

 

by biped
5-29-04
Dinosaurs? I don't recall there being any dinosaurs in "Farmer Boy", Billy.
But...b-but you keep turning INTO one! I'm scared... you're gonna EAT me! *sniff*
Why, BILLY! In over twenty years of teaching, I have NEVER... EVER... eaten a student!
W-well... okay... I...
RAAAAAR!!!!
WAAA!!! HE HAD TO HELP M-MILK THE COWS! *SOB* AND CHURN THE B-BUTTER! WAAAA!!

 

by biped
5-29-04
RAAAAAR!!!!
WAAAAA!!! *SOB* AND THEN THE JOLLY *SNIFF* TIN PEDDLER WOULD VISIT, AND -- AND -- WAAAA-HAAA-HAAAA!!!
"The jolly tin peddler"? Oh, how nice. That's one of my favorite parts.
Y-yeah... *sob*... he was f-funny...
RAAAAAAR!!!!
WAAAA- HAAAAA- HAAAAA!!!!!!!

 

by biped
5-29-04
Well, that was very interesting, Billy. You may be seated.
*sniff* I w-wanna go h-home...
And now, I believe Susan is going to tell us all about "Charlotte's Web."
Yes, ma'am! It's a very nice story about a very nice little girl named Fern, and --
RAAAAAAAR!!!!!!
WAAAA!!!! AND A SPIDER NAMED CHARLOTTE AND A PIG NAMED WILBUR AND WAAAAA- HAAAA- HAAAAA!!!!

 

by biped
5-30-04
"OH, SI! OH, SI! SI, SI, SI-EEE-EEEEE!!!"
AY!!! CONSUELA!!! SHE IS MY FAVORITE PORN STAR!!!
"SU PENE ES MUY BUENO, SENOR!!!"
Unngghh... tengo un hueso mas grande...
"CINCO HOMBRES!!! CINCO PENES!!! AY-YI-YI!!!" *SLURP!!!*
DIOS MIO! She really puts the "lick" in "peliculas pornograficas"!

 

by biped
5-30-04
Uh-oh! There goes my colostomy bag again!
EWWWWWWWW!!!
Hey, isn't this the movie they said was driving all those people permanently insane?
BBLLRRBLLRRBLLRR!!!
Dang, that scene made me really horny! Let's screw right here in the theater!
Whatever you say, Paw!

 

by biped
5-30-04
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
NO, DOG ON BALL!!! THAT'S THE POPE!!! DON'T -- OH MY GOD!!!
Did Marcellus send you?
Yes. My name is Winston Wolf.
Let us never speak of this again.
Agreed.

 

by biped
5-30-04
Here, in this beautiful, pristine land, I will build a new town.
And I will tear it down just as soon as you're done!
Go away, little kid. I'm town-buildin' here.
And I'm the little boy who tears down brand-new towns!
Why, you little -- I ought to plug you right where you stand.
Wow! That'd make a swell Founder's Day re-enactment, wouldn't it?

 

by biped
5-30-04
Whew! Well, it took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears...but I built a dandy new town. Folks'll prosper and be happy here.
HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY NEW TOWN?
I tore it down! Heh, heh!
WHY, YOU LITTLE NO-GOOD --
Told ya!

 

by biped
5-30-04
Dang -- rebuildin' my new town was gosh-awful hard work. Ain't seen that ornery little polecat around lately, though.
This new town'll be a beacon for --
I used dynamite this time! Blew up good, huh?

 

by biped
5-30-04
I won't get discouraged. Dan'l Boone didn't get discouraged, and neither will I. This new town will last for a thousand --
Dang... never seen them things before.
They're bombs! I just invented 'em! Cool, huh?

 

by biped
5-30-04
Well...I give up. Ever' time I build a new town... you tear it down.
Maybe if you built something fun that I would like better, I wouldn't tear it down!
Somethin' fun? Like what?
Oh, like a happy-time theme park or something!
Later...
Well, I built a happy-time theme park, out here in the middle of nowhere. I hope you're happy.
I will be as soon as you put a couple more loop-de-loops on that roller-coaster!

 

by biped
5-31-04
Lemme see...did I take a bath this month, or last month?
Hey, lady! Take a whiff of my armpit!
GAAAAAA!!!!!
Must'a been last month!

 

by biped
5-31-04
First ya take yer left wing, and put 'er right there!
And then ya take yer right wing, and wave it in th' air!
And then...hmm, how'd the rest of that chicken dance go?

 

by biped
5-31-04
We're best pals, aren't we, Invisible Man?
We sure are!
What about me?
Oh, we're best pals too, Unseen Voice-over Man!
And we're best pals, too, Invisible Wilt Chamberlain! Oops, sorry...
Ow!

 

by biped
5-31-04
Over there's muh first wife...
And over there's muh second wife...
And...let's see, where'd I bury muh third wife? Oh yeah, you're muh third wife!

 

by biped
5-31-04
La, la, la... deedle-dee...
Hello, little girl! I'm Giggles the Clown! What's your name?
I'm Goo-Goo.
"Goo-Goo"? Tee-hee! That's a cute name!
I like to commit criminal acts, torture small animals, and watch snuff films.
Tee-hee, I -- huh?

 

by biped
5-31-04
Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-oh...
Hey! You must be the new girl in school! What's your name?
I'm Goo-Goo.
"Goo-Goo", huh? Well, I'm Ted! Big Ted, they call me! You know why?
Because you're such a big, fat fag?
Yeah, 'cause I'm such a big, fat -- huh?

 

by biped
5-31-04
She'll be comin' round the mount'n when she comes, when she comes...
Howdy, li'l gal. I'm Cowboy Bill. What's yore name?
I'm Goo-Goo.
"Goo-Goo"? That's sounds like a baby's name. Is what you are, li'l gal? A baby?
Why don't you eat my shit and see if it tastes like strained carrots, fuckface?
Why, shore, I'll -- huh?

 

by biped
5-31-04
...in them ooold, cotton fields back home...
HEE-HAW!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!! WHAT YOUR NAME, BUTTFACE? BEEP-BEEP!!!
I'm Goo-Goo.
GOO-GOO!!! THAT STUPID NAME!!! YOU MUST BE STUPID!!! GRRRR!!! BOING-BWOING!!!
Why don't you get a chainsaw and kill yourself with it?
HEE-HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND -- HUH?

 

by biped
6-01-04

 

by biped
6-01-04

 

by biped
6-01-04

 

by biped
6-01-04

 

by biped
6-01-04
*BLOOP* *BLEEP* BOY, THESE GAMEBOYS ARE GREAT FOR THE BORING PARTS, HUH?
YEAH, THE BORING MUSHY LOVE PARTS AND STUFF! *BLEEP* *BLOOP* *BLEEP*
JOE-BOB? ETHEL HERE! I'M TALKIN' AT YA ON MY BRAND SPANKIN' NEW CELL PHONE!
HEY, JOE-BOB! WE'RE WATCHIN' "LETHAL WEAPON TWELVE"! YOU'D LIKE IT, IT'S A GOOD'UN!
GIRL, DON'T YOU GO IN THAT HOUSE! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?
LIKE, OMIGOD! JESSICA, STAY OUTTA THERE! NOBODY WOULD GO IN THERE IN REAL LIFE!

 

by biped
6-02-04
HAI-YAHHH!!!
OH, HELP!!! SHE'S BEATING UP ALL FIFTY OF US!!! MOMMY!!!
I'm am so sexy you cannot resist me, evil bad guy.
AY CHIHUAHUA! MY SINISTER MIND, IT IS CLOUDED BY NAKED LUST!
Hi. I'm Drew Barrymore, and I'll be seducing and beating up dozens of guys, too.
THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS!!! YOU'LL LOVE... "CHARLIE'S WACKY MASTURBATION FANTASY FOR TOTAL FUCKING GEEKS"!!!

 

by biped
6-03-04
Daddy, is you my real daddy?
No, sweet-ums. You are a chicken, and I am a duck.
Why a duck? Why-a no chicken?
Because my parents had duck genitalia, and your parents had chicken genitalia.
What does Italian food have to do with reproduction?

 

by biped
6-03-04
I'm reading a book about church sects.
CHURCH SEX!!!???
OMFG! LOOK WHAT YING-YANG'S IMAGINATION IS ABOUT TO MAKE US DO!
THIS IS SO WRONG! SO BUTT-FUCKINGLY WRONG!
Ying-Yang, if you don't concentrate, you're going to blow the quiz on "Moby Dick."
BLOW!!! JIZZ!!! DICK!!!

 

by biped
6-03-04
I have stitched together a body from the corpses of the dead, and tonight I shall instill it with LIFE!
What you're doing is HORRIBLE, Doctor Frankenbeans! It's MONSTROUS -- BLASHPHEMOUS -- INHUMAN!
Why, thank you, Fritz!
ATOMIC BATTERIES TO POWER! TURBINES TO SPEED!
That's from "Batman", Fritz.
No, it isn't.

 

by biped
6-03-04
O, MIGHTY POWER OF NATURE'S WRATH! UNLEASH YOUR BLAZING-HOT FURY! LET YOUR LIFE-GIVING RAYS RIP THIS DEAD THING FROM THE CLUTCHES OF DEATH!
Ehh -- not one of your better speeches, Doctor Frankenbeans.
Well, I was up all night trying to think of something dramatic, but this darned writer's block --
LIGHTNING HAS STRUCK! THE FIERY TONGUE OF THE THUNDERBOLT HAS SPOKEN! AND PRONOUNCED THE BURSTING FORTH OF A NEW LIFE TO TAKE ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE AMIDST THE WRITHING THRONGS OF HUMANITY!
Are you trying to out-do me, Fritz?
No, I like to think of myself as your "color commentator."

 

by biped
6-03-04
AND NOW -- ARISE, MY GLORIOUS CREATION! ARISE, AND BEGIN YOUR NEW LIFE AS A --
Er...got any kibble?
-- AS A DOG? WHAT THE FUCK!
So, like -- where am I supposed to "go" around here?
FRITZ! WHERE'S THE GLORIOUS BODY I CONSTRUCTED OUT OF HUMAN CORPSES?
Oh...that. Well, I sorta lost it.

 

by biped
6-03-04
You lost it...?
Well, I was playing with it, and it rolled under the bed. And it went all the way back against the wall, so I couldn't reach it.
Please...continue.
So, I used your notes to create a brand new body, only I used dogs instead of people. Um..."ta-daaah."
And THIS -- is what I am going to be proudly presenting to the scientific community? My glorious creation -- a DOG?
Well, a LIVING DEAD dog -- don't forget to mention that in your big speech.

 

by biped
6-03-04
Well, where is my glorious creation now?
Oh, he had to go potty, so I let him out.
YOU LET HIM OUT? YOU FOOL! THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT HAVOC HE MAY WREAK ON THE UNSUSPECTING COUNTRYSIDE!
Oh, yeah. I forgot he was a monster. Well...monster dog.
GO FIND HIM! LURE HIM BACK SOMEHOW! I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES -- TURN HEAVEN AND EARTH INSIDE-OUT IF YOU MUST!
So, then -- you won't mind if I use those pork chops you were saving for when your mom comes to dinner on Sunday?

 

by biped
6-03-04
Here, doggy.....here, monster doggy.....yummy pork chops..... yummy monster pork chops.....
Thanks, but I'm not hungry. I just went back to the lab and ate Dr. Frankenbeans.
Oh. Well, he was probably gonna fire me anyway. Uh...you're not gonna eat me too, are you?
No, I like you. Would you be my friend?
Sure! I've never had a friend -- and now, I have a man-eating, living dead monster dog as a friend.
And I have a crazed, hunchbacked dwarf as a friend. Fate sure has been kind to us today.

 

by biped
6-03-04
Hey, I just had an idea -- I can use the doctor's notes to make a living dead monster dog wife for you.
Wow! And then we can make a crazed, hunchbacked dwarf wife for you!
Honey, I'm home.
Hello, dear. Hope you're hungry -- we're having the Wilsons for dinner tonight.
Uh...couldn't you put on a dress or something? Or at least shave?
Oh, you insensitive beast! You didn't even notice my new black lace undies and fuck-me heels!

Showing page 7.

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