All comics by graykane

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by graykane
12-28-04
Hark! Why aren't you studying?
I'm procrastinating.
Knowing is half the battle, but the other half is overcoming the problem that you've identified.
How about I stop with winning only half the battle and call the game a draw?

 

by graykane
12-28-04
The Reformation replaced the unconditional acceptance of authority with the need to legitimize authority. But this is a "slave morality," because slaves question their own right to make decisions.
Ah, Nietzsche, you so sexy. You make me sooo horny.
God is dead as the unquestioned authority. What is a questioned God? God is not master in his own house? God is dead.
Me give you syphilis! We run naked through streets like retarded school children!!! Yay!!!

 

by graykane
1-15-05
Doctor, my pubes have turned green & coarse. My crabs get good traction.
Why didn't I wear a glove?
Holly, you've been offering your field to football players for so long that your body had to replace the high cost of natural growth for astroturf.
Is that bad, Doc?
Call me if you grow a dome or if the Good Year Blimp starts circling.

 

by graykane
1-16-05
Hi, I'm Carrot Top. Dial 1-800-COLLECT to save enough to bail your children out of jail.
This is definitely a case of arson.
Officer, it's not a fire. It's my hair.
I was referring to your flaming act.
Dial 1-800-COLLECT. It may be your last chance to talk to you kids before their execution. Mommy!
You're such a fag.

 

by graykane
1-16-05
If our fates were determined prior to our births...
Mr. Spankling, God gave you an interesting assignment! And an inner-city public-school teacher, too! That God, He's such a card.
Parent-Teacher Night
Actually, I was in the closet for so long that this is what the moths left of my clothes.

 

by graykane
1-18-05
Honey, since we started that vegetarian diet, I drop nothing but floaters. Do you know how disatisfying a floater is?
I know what you mean. I long to dialate two inches and squeeze out something meaty.
Meaty?
Yeah and profound, too. Like a neverending kielbasa sent to rip the seems of this building's plumbing.
Why am I starting to feel so inadequate?
Because you are. I want my big fat turds back.

 

by graykane
1-18-05
Will you push your Crayola between my lines?
Pedafile.
Dr. Kaufman, I feel so incomplete. No school children will touch me.
Funny, I experience the same problem.
Wait. Where are you going? I want to insert soft crayons between those vuluptuous curves.
That's the last time I pose nude for an adult art class. My existential angst is best expressed in black and white, thank you very much.

 

by graykane
1-18-05
My girlfriend and I have been fighting. You see, I think she's a selfish hypocrite, and she claims that my thinking so illustrates my selfish hypocracy.
Can you be more specific?
It went sort of like this...
Stop being a bitch.
You're such a cock hole.
Now do you understand?
Yeah. Yeah. Do it again. Do it again.

 

by graykane
1-20-05
I've an idea for a romantic comedy. This dork has no luck with women. He's too weird for them or something. I don't know, fuck those bitches. Then this beautiful woman unconditionally loves him.
So this is a fantasy?
However, she never has an orgasm.
Please, tell me what to do. I want you to be happy. I'll try anything. Anything.
Oh, honey, I love you. I'm happy just being with you.
Symbolically a "dork" is a man denied of his manhood. He's not athletic. He can't get chicks. This woman restores some of his manhood but by not having an orgasm she withholds some of it from him too.
So even your fantasies have neurotic fears in them. Interesting. Continue.

 

by graykane
1-20-05
I want you to have an orgasm. I'm willing to try anything. Don't you have some sort of sexual fantasy I can try to fulfill for you?
Okay, since it means so much to you, let's go back to bed and try it again.
Oh my God what is that?!
Ooooh yeaaaah! I think I'm going to cum. I'm cumming! I'm cumming! Ugh. Ah. Oh. Oh my.
She turns on the lights. A steaming turd is on his chest. He's lying there covered in her shit: "Should I dump the only woman who's ever loved me, or should I live a life of her taking a dump on me?"
"Scattered Love." Would I let Angelina Jolie take a shit on me repeatedly over the course of my life just to be together forever with her in love? That's profound, dude.

 

by graykane
1-20-05
Okay, let's get this wedding on the road. Why haven't they started the organ music yet? Where's the bride?
One of the ushers, Pablo, is showing her the facilities.
Huh?
She felt a sudden uncontrollable urge to take a shit.
He walks into the bathroom.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Is that what I look like after we do it?

 

by graykane
1-20-05
It's a magnificent film of lost innocence in a world ruined by capitalist waste.
Yes, a horrifyingly beautiful portrayal of the effects of consumer society on love. The way she leaves him for Pablo, even the protagonist gets consumed. Gives new meaning to "She dumped him."
"Scattered Love" has produced scattered reviews. Critics admit the artistic integrity of the film, but...
Laura Bush leads the Christian Coalition in an effort not only to ban the film but to assassinate the director.
I can't believe you told our story like that! At least you portrayed George as some TexMex. I'm going to kill you!
What's the matter? Laura Bush doesn't like her secrets told on the big screen? Catch me if you can, bitch!

 

by graykane
1-20-05
In this week's news of the weird, local hippie Sky Imafag Rainbow temporarily closed his organic market & reopened to sell specifically the eggs that appear to be hatching.
That's right, John. It seems that the word "fertilized" should have appeared in more than the home garden section.
Thank you for the lame pun, Cindy. Realizing the mistake, Sky reopened his store under the name God's Lonely Eggs in an effort to find the future chicks a good home.
If you're looking for chicks, then Sky's the limit at God's Lonely Eggs.
God's Lonely Eggs? That sounds like your ovaries, Cindy. What are you, 38? No wonder you jumped at the "Let's Hang the Fertilized Sign Over Here" joke.
After CRACKING that one, you won't have access to MY EGGS, & whether or not you go to Sky's store, I doubt you'll be getting any CHICKS without having to pay. Speaking of Sky, let's go to the weather.

 

by graykane
1-20-05
Since each word in the dictionary went public, until today stock in the word "niggardly" has steadily declined since its Initial Public Offering. Standing with me is the new CEO of Niggardly, Jim Quin
Yes. Thanks for having me, Phil. Strangely enough, this Scandinavian word somehow became wrongly associated with a racial slur. Yet, in English the word appears even before the Wycliffe Bible of 1384.
Very interesting, Mr. Quin. So, the word has no affiliation with any racial slur?
Gosh no. The Old Norse "hnøgger" meaning "stingy" couldn't even be applied to another race due to the lack of racial diversity. Today it gets confused with another word taken from the French "nègre.
The publicly traded company Niggardly hires Jim Quin to save its image's integrity. If you're an investor, can you say, "'Niggardly' In Good Graces, Early Returns"? Now back to you, John.
Yo, Quin. What's up with the threads? You's a Niggardly nigger in more ways than one tonight, my man.

 

by graykane
1-21-05
I can't even say it. I'm going to have to give you the lead chair for this one.
A new study identifies greasy rectums in mean youths. The University of Indiana compiled random samples from a 150 youths living in trailers in the woods only to discover that
Cindy takes the lead chair from John
100% of those with criminal records had greasy rectums. Scientists believe that the aggressive youths tend to tense up more than nonviolent youths, thereby creating a greasy discharge.
I've been smelling aggression from you all these years and had no idea.
Cindy returns the lead chair to John
Thank you, Cindy. At times like these, I'm grateful for your expertise. And now, time for the winning lottery numbers. Cindy, go ahead & lift your skirt & shoot out the pingpong balls.
The first winning lottery number is...

 

by graykane
1-21-05
Infatuated with rap culture & intrigued by rumors of Eazy's E's immense Rigor-Mortis-infected penis, China ordered a glass coffin for the late rapper as well as funded an Asian tour for the deceased.
In Thailand, after somehow discovering that upon jerking the Rigor-Mortis-infected penis it ejaculates puss, the Thai people refuse to return the body & have proclaimed Eazy E one of their gods.
Cindy, I'm standing here amidst a group of Thai school children. I don't know where the body is, but the children seem overly fascinated with my microphone. I must admit, I'm afraid for my life.

 

by graykane
1-22-05
Flying Little Acrobats Teach China Hurting Eazy's Stiff Thomas Ends Diplomacy Leaving Europe Sinfully Biased In Arms Negotiation Standoff
Cindy, do you want to report this one?
I ain't touching this with a ten-foot pole.
We know you've severed the penis.
¡î Ç廪ÃÀÔº¼Ó
Give us Eazy E's penis & nobody gets hurt.

 

by graykane
1-22-05
Anal sex isn't sex.
Taking advantage of a girl isn't rape.
I won't go all the way. I just give head.
Good. Because I want to marry a virgin. Can I turn on the football game?

 

by graykane
1-23-05
Fist.
Then why is your finger extended?
To make it go in more gently.
Why would someone who fists care about a thing like that?
I'm a compassionate conservative.
Oh, okay. Insert when ready.

 

by graykane
1-23-05
I bet you five bucks I can shove you up a dinosaur's ass.
I bet you couldn't.

 

by graykane
1-23-05
Give me back my sister!!!!!!!
My five bucks have to be in here somewhere.

 

by graykane
1-24-05
Ellison's parents named him "Ralph Waldo" after Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of the great American transcendentalists.
Now, can anybody tell me who Ralph Waldo Ellison is? Find Waldo in the literary canon. Where's Waldo?
He wrote The Invisible Man.
Yeah yeah yeah, good good good. And can you find a relationship between The Invisible Man and Transcendentalism?
A borrowed white man's name ain't never had that much control over a black man's thoughts.

 

by graykane
1-24-05
Freud took the Judaic focus on heritage & the past as opposed to a Christian focus on the future & developed this "Tell me about your mother" trying to find the "primal scene" where the patient "fell"
He depicts childhood as some sort of Garden of Eden where a traumatic sin transpired that fucked Adam for life. Then he uses Egyption-- or worse, German-- authority...
and establishes a science based on Exodus, an exodus from that tyranical authority. "Please let my inner child go." Freud's own father referred to him as a Moses.
Psychoanalysis functions as a clinical Judaism except that it doesn't celebrate Jewish authority. It perpetuates a fear of the Egyptians & Germans, & I've never met anyone who's been cured.
In therapy, you're always trying to escape. Temple is better for your soul.
You stapled lizards to my cat. You need THERAPY.

 

by graykane
1-25-05
Ugh, what a day! Granny porn just isn't the dream I thought it would be.
Oh yeah? How's that, mom?
All those sausages, I thought I was still stuck in the kitchen cooking for your father.
You really miss dad. Don't you, mom.
Son, don't psychoanalyze me now, not while the cops are coming. I'm trying to tell you I sliced and diced some cocks today. You need to hide me, boy.
Not until you tell me you missed dad!

 

by graykane
1-31-05
Those jumbo shrimp appetizers with all that coctail sauce floating in there still look just as tasty as 15 minutes ago when I ate them. Maybe I can pick them out and eat them again.
Honey, why aren't you eating?
After what I just witnessed in the men's room?
It's tough being bulimic with a compulsive eating dissorder. I eat every meal twice, sometimes three times in a row.
Do us all a favor. Don't ever abuse laxatives.

 

by graykane
2-02-05
Did you think the one place you couldn't workout was the restroom?
Think again.
Now you too can benefit from the Pinch-And-Release program.
Thanks to the Pinch-And-Release program, I've got beatious gluteus, & boy oh boy are they maximus. Thanks, Anal Weight Lifter!

 

by graykane
2-02-05
Do you lift weights with your ass?
You bet I do!
You bet I do!
Then perhaps you have Reversed Bulimia Nervosa, an inverted eating disorder that involves the consumption of poundage via the anus.
I'd like to take a few pounds in the ass.
Missing small pets? Unable to fit into your jeans? Reversed Bulimia Nervosa can become a serious and debilitating disease. Call for a free anal consultation today.

 

by graykane
2-02-05
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY
Is your buttox soft? Do you wish it was tighter? If you want dense glutes, have I got the program for you!
You've heard of Black Holes. You've heard of Worm Holes. But have you heard of Ass Holes?
Forget transforming coal into diamonds, the new Buns of Steel video has condensed matter into energy & torn holes in the time-space continuum all over Manhattan.
I'm inescapably drawn to your ass.
Why couldn't they have come out with a Vaginas of Steel video!

 

by graykane
2-03-05
I'm Lt. Gen. James Mattis, and I'm here to tell you it's fun to shoot people. Life is about being a man. The responsibility of a soldier is to kill those who are genetically men but don't act like it.
It's a humanitarian role, really.
That's asinine.
You're only saying that cuz you're a woman. Enlist in Adopt-A-Sniper. Suck a dick. Do something useful. I keep gays out of the military, and I shoot them in other countries.
Then why were you so happy about Afghanistan and Iraq? I don't understand how your agenda fits into the greater picture of spreading democracy?
The Middle East is filled with a lot of men suffering from the effeminitis.

 

by graykane
2-03-05
Hungry? On a health kick?
Two words you ain't going to find on our menu: Salmon Eyetis.
Jimmy's We Ain't Got Chicken Shack: You Won't Get Salmon Eyetis From Us.
No cock?
Wangs!
You on one of dem low carbo mono hydrate diets? We got uncarbonated bottles of water. Drink one, yer done
Oooh, I can finally eat out again.

 

by graykane
2-21-05
Hark. The crevasse moons me, tempts me with half his cheek, screams, "Prince Albert the Eighth, approach and claim thy throne!"
Tis in my blood to reign as much tis in my brother's anus to rain blood.
The fat around that anus hath taken its rightful seat upon this cushy kingdom but I shall take my rightful seat upon his seat and make my brother reach around should he want to grasp the King's staff.
Yum.

 

by graykane
2-21-05
Brother Albert, rumor hath made it such, no longer know I where to place my butt.
My lord, children learn these things in school. The name of the apparatus is "chair," or in my lord's case, due to the recent death of our father the King, the same letters may be pronounced "throne."
In writing, thou would hath my throne declared merely a chair?
My lord, my loyal heart will proclaim "throne" of whatever thou rubbest against thy bum.
Ah, Brother Albert, against all rumors thy loyal tongue performs wonders.
Yes, they do say that about my tongue, don't they.

 

by graykane
2-21-05
My lord, for thy coronation I hath composed a play.
Brother Albert, thy play with words is well reknown. I would feel honored to see thy words congealed into action on the stage. Speaking of congealing, I hath to taketh a dump.
Toot thy shoot for thyself today, my brother. Morrow eve the trumpets sound for me.
Toot Toot
::thwerp::

 

by graykane
2-21-05
Ladies and Gentlemen, for my brother's coronation I hath composed a play entitled "Farenheit 911." Tis a doc-u-play about the relationship between our enemy & my brother, whom you wish to crown King.
Throweth me in irons? I must be ahead of my time. Four hundred years from now, such a theatrical performance would surely changeth the royal subjects' minds before they crowneth an ignorant man King.
Or maybe not.

 

by graykane
2-22-05
Hark. The moon remains not yet full, which is to say "unfull," which is to say "empty." An empty cavity reigns over this kingdom. I wish to climb inside the moon.
Maybe I wish to climb inside a womb? To find the part of me that in blind touch I had left behind there but continue to unfeelingly see as I would experience a mirror?
Nah. Maybe I just need to get laid.

 

by graykane
2-22-05
Brother Albert, must I perpetually visit thee in irons? My entire life I hath seen thee in irons.
I kind of like it.
Albeit thou hath chosen merely inappropriate excuses to get the guards to manhandle thee, today thou hath chosen to ruin my coronation. First thou ruined my high school ballet, then my coronation!
Art thou still mad about that?
I want thy head!
All thou had to do was ask. I do whip it out for everyone.

 

by graykane
2-22-05
By being born a few seconds earlier, my brother genetically inherits the throne, but genetically I hath the royal jewels.
Perhaps I shouldn't hath suggested wearing my brother's crown as a cock ring. Still, I never thought I'd be tunneling for my life.
Now I know how the gerbils feel. Keep digging, boys. Daddy needs motivation.

 

by graykane
2-22-05
Yum, Buckingham Forest. I like the name.
And these must be a couple of hams bucking right now.
I should taketh a job with National Geographic. They maketh the best porn.

 

by graykane
2-22-05
My lord and brother the King, what brings thee to Buckingham? I thought thou didn't liketh beastiality.
The only beast I come for is thee, Prince Albert.
I've never made thee cum.
Ooooh, thou hath all these icy dildos extending from thine stiff body!

 

by graykane
2-22-05
Because I know my brother's stamina, I hereby decree that no royal subject shall enter the cemetery under the penalty of rape by zombie.
This cemetery is a field of dreams. If you jerk it, it will puss.

 

by graykane
2-24-05
In high school I was worried about the length of my cock, but now that I'm over thirty, gravity has pulled it out to here. I mean look. It fucking extends out to here!
I can jump on it. It's like a diving board.
Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this with my students.

 

by graykane
2-24-05
In high school I was worried about the length of my cock, but now that I'm over thirty, gravity has pulled it out to here. I mean look. It fucking extends out to here!
Does it taste any different?
Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this with djte's grandmother.

 

by graykane
2-24-05
In high school I was worried about the length of my cock, but now that I'm over thirty, gravity has pulled it out to here. I mean look. It fucking extends out to here!
I bet it still won't fill the depth of my gaping vagina.
Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this with Boinky's mother.

 

by graykane
2-24-05
In high school I was worried about the length of my cock, but now that I'm over thirty, gravity has pulled it out to here. I mean look. It fucking extends out to here!
You should see what cranking it around a fishing reel will do to it.
Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this with Spankling.
Want to see mine?

 

by graykane
3-02-05
Yesterday, I farted so hard I blew out my left ass cheek.
My left cheek now sags like a muddy sock.
Fuck, dude. I just can't comprehend it all.

 

by graykane
3-02-05
Yesterday, I pooped so big I permenantly stretched my hole.
Last night I went to a bar, sat on a stool, and swallowed it up to my esophogas.
Fuck, dude. I just can't comprehend it all.

 

by graykane
3-10-05
You know, so many people wonder why I make such disgusting comics.
No, we don't.
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
No, I wasn't making a joke. I was just imitating the sound of your mom's tits slapping against her stomach as I fuck her in the ass.
That joke's as old as that salami your mom masterbated with and lost up there when she was eight years old. It just kind of slid out of her hand. You can still smell it when she quiefs.

 

by graykane
3-10-05
I thought your mom was getting fat cuz she's got those cottage-cheese legs. I asked her about it. As it turns out, those are speed-bump implants to slow down customers at her all-you-can-eat buffet.
I don't know, man. $2.99 all-you-can-eat raw oyster that's been licked so many times it tastes like toothpaste and aftershave. The other day I found a tooth in there.
Between the stubble, the smell of aftershave and toothpaste, and that one tooth in what otherwise looks like all gums, that space between your mom's legs is starting to look like my late Uncle Ernie.
I said, "Uncle Ernie, how did your face end up growing between Matt's mom's legs?"
He said, "This is purgatory. All lost souls end up here. It has to do with that refrain 'You Are What You Eat,' only apparently there's a delay. It takes effect only in the afterlife."

 

by graykane
3-10-05
My dog's got these excessively long vagie hairs that she won't stop licking. You see, she's a vagetarian. She gets that vagie juice in her mouth.
Apparently it really tastes good, because the other night I saw your mom feasting on my dog's vagie juice. It was dripping down your mom's cheeks, running down her neck.
Your mom's a messy eater. She looks like that after she eats my cock, too.
So, anyway, I said, "Hey, Peg." That's my nickname for your mom since I saw her deepthroat a wooden leg. I said, "Peg." She took my dog's vaj out of her mouth. "Peg, you fucking dehydrated my dog!"
You know what that gap-guzzling, two-tooth crack whore said to me? She said, "Stop your whining. My son's got anal leakage. I dry up my son's asshole like this. It'll be moist again within the hour."

 

by graykane
3-10-05
Your mama's on crack rock. She rocks her crack back and forth on my dick.
Your mother's got panty rocks. It's not kidney stones. It's cartilage. The doctor thinks they're digested fetuses. I pull down her panties & she rains knuckles & kneecaps. She said they were candies.
Did you know you were going to have twin sisters? I accidentally ate one of their pelvic bones.
Did you ever wear a dental retainer when you were little? Apparently I wore your little sister's pelvic bone as a retainer.
But now I have perfect teeth.

Showing page 7.

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