All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
9-13-03
Cash machines are getting even more responsive these days.
It displayed a message: "Would you like an advice slip?" It was late, so I thought, "Why not?: YES"
It said " You're overweight and 35, time to start jogging before you're left on the shelf, Fatty..."

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-03
This w33k's vi3w3r r3qu3st s4ys" H3y Stickm4n! Why don't you pi3rc3 your own uvul4?"
My uvul4, 3h? W3ll, I m4y b3 dysl3xic 4nd h4v3 pr3front4l br4in d4m4g3...
But 3v3n I know you n33d to b3 4 wom4n to 3v3n *h4v3* 4n uvul4! LOL! Wh4t do you think, Johnny Knoxvill3?
W00t! My skin hurts!

 

by jes_lawson
9-18-03
Huh? What just happened?
You woke up. You were having a nightmare!
And what a nightmare! You were there, and you, and you...
What? Who are you talking about?
Jim Morrison, Drew Barrymore, a talking dog on a ball...
I'm never letting you drink absinth again.

 

by jes_lawson
9-22-03
I've stopped drinking absinth.
Is this anything to do with breaking Newton's Second Law of Gravity on Saturday?
Meanwhile, in the Czech Republic...
I just felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if a million brain cells suddenly cried out rejoicing, and then were silenced...
I'll go and revise our sales forecasts for the UK to "nil" for the next quarter...
So yeah, I'll be vacationing from Stripcreator for a while and...OH NO! IT'S YOU!
Did you *really* think you'd get away that easily? You're trapped in this mess worse than David Blaine with explosive diarrhoea!

 

by jes_lawson
9-22-03
What a day! I'm exhausted!
The new super-intelligence serum they're testing on me *really* tries one's patience!
Ook?
Why, Bobo! How thoughtful! Sir, you are a true friend!

 

by jes_lawson
9-22-03
I just had the best dream...
I was a typewriter. William S.Burroughs and I compiled sexually explicit reports on other people, and got high on bug powder!
Oh well, back to chewing through the floorboards of the motel for me...

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-03
uNnAmED sitzt auf einer bank und denkt sich nichs böses als ...
hey *narfnarf* ich bin man@work *narfnarf* das sprechende eichhörnchen *narfnarf*
I know, I KNOW! You've been saying that to me every time I sit here for the last 3 years. Wait...what exactly does *narf* mean?
Well lets see...It's like...ZORT! or, um...*poink*! Or "f'tang f'tang wibble!"
das MÃœSSEN einfach wahnvorstellungen sein ...
hallo ? *narfnarf* uNnAmED ? *narfnarf*

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-03
what appears to be the problem officer?
you were doing 90mph in a 40 zone, I'm gonna need to take your name sir.
my name? Why, I'm Saint Nicholas don't you know? good-old Chris Cringle? Santa_Claus?
very amusing sir, if you'd like to just get into the back of the car, we can sort this out down at the station.
And I would have got away with it too, if it hadn't of been for you meddling kids!
Rooby-Rooby-Rooo!

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-03
what appears to be the problem officer?
you were doing 90mph in a 40 zone, I'm gonna need to take your name sir.
my name? Why, I'm Saint Nicholas don't you know? good-old Chris Cringle? Santa_Claus?
very amusing sir, if you'd like to just get into the back of the car, we can sort this out down at the station.
Grinch, you bastard! You set me up! You'll never get away with this!
Ha ha ha! Tell it to the judge, fat boy!

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-03
I can't believe Finkelman is dead.
I know. It's such a shock.
A shock? You were the one who tied him up and force fed him Mexican! You know we're fatally allergic to that stuff!
But you just inherited his pornographic Pokémon cards, and I get those when you die! I don't think that's a bad deal for either of us!
Me either
Let's go have a taco.

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-03
1st year
Hey new guy! Are you coming to the Fresher's Ball?
Eventually...just let me finish these programs first...
2nd year
Hey John, you look down. What's up?
I'm in love with a girl who's going out with a succsesive string of losers and who won't give me the time of day. I'm going to get drunk in my final exams in protest...
3rd year
Jes! I heard about your acceptance onto a Masters course!
Yeah! I feel motivated enough to try and work this year! Pass the absinth, would you, pal?

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-03
OK, time to do some work this first term. Parallel computing looks good...Hmm...a radio society...
Bloody hell! This Second term is a pile of crap! Well, apart from the radio society being so rocking...
Hmm...Third term. No lectures but time to start my thesis. Bugger it, my radio show starts in an hour.
Right now I should be working, but I am too busy DJ-ing and hob-knobbing with celebrities to care!
It nearly killed me but I knocked out a thesis in 10 days and...what's this...? Planes crashing into the World Trade Centre?
What you can't see in this panel is me sleeping rough on the floor of the toilets in the radio studio for a week. But at least I passed.

 

by jes_lawson
9-28-03
Rat's cocks!
Earlier...
This lawsuit can only be resolved in one way. Through the medium of one-on-one Australian rules football!
Agreed. I get a 30 point head start!
Agreed, but I choose where we play!
Agreed

 

by jes_lawson
9-28-03
Step 1 - Two step or Amen breakbeat, the same one you've heard a hundred times...
Dumph-CHAK! pch-CHAK!Dumph-CHAK! pch-CHAK! Work self into lather, rinse it out, repeat!
Step 2: Same atonal bassline
-----------BRRRRRRRMPOH!--------------------------Here! What's with the gay guitar?
Step 3. MC Verbal Diarroehea disguises the fact you have a formulaic vinyl dropping of a record.
Skib-di-bi maa buh-bu-MAA buh-bu-MAH! Skib-di-bi maa buh bu MAA buh bu MAH! YO! What's with the gay guitar, bitch?

 

by jes_lawson
9-29-03
Good news "Mister President", we've come up with a series of unlikely explanations for the Lunar Simian 7 Incident you dropped us in.
I'll bet it's not as good as my solution...
Lights...Camera...Action!
A man, a plan, a butt tub, anal Panama!
Bunnerabb Pizza - because that's NOT oregano! More hash, less cash, in under 30 minutes, boyo!
I think we're going to have to limit the amount of "green medicine" you've been drinking, Dave...
I don't want to play at being President any more.

 

by jes_lawson
9-29-03
Hmm...
First of all you appear to be nailed up through your hands...
Realistically, the nail should be beneath the wrist, separating the ulna from the radius, preventing any slippage
All ways, All days. F*ck you Doctor Pedantic.

 

by jes_lawson
10-01-03
Jackson! Why wasn't I warned about this sooner? Deploy the National Guard! Ramp up our Alertedness Level to Undulating Magenta status!
Sir, that's a flyer for the Washington State circus!
Oh Christ, that's even worse! Midgets! Carnies! That's it, America! I'm moving to sunny Acapulo with my favourite claw hammer!
Oooookaaaaaay....
...and then he drank a bottle of absinth and spun around on the Oval Office floor for an hour making "Whoop whoop whoop" noises!
How many times did I tell you we should have backed Dean, jackass?

 

by jes_lawson
10-03-03
Something tells me this wasn't a good day to wear this T-Shirt to the park...
Oi Blinky! Look what we got here!
Grr! He's one of *those* is he?
Timing for a sliming, Clyde!
"Wakka wakka wakka" - my arse, you f*cker!

 

by jes_lawson
10-03-03
Cool! New Kaddar artwork. But..but....these Comic Cup rules are IMPOSSIBLE! There's only one thing for it...
Come on, Mister Chimpston!
Ook! This is bringing back bad memories of when I visited Cousin Bubbles in Neverland
This is the life! No comics, mis-translations, no rapping about Batman and gravy! All I need now is some lovin' until AstroDani gets drawn!
I bet Ham never had to put up with this

 

by jes_lawson
10-05-03
Stand back evil doers, this is Batman on the mic! Straight from the Batcave we be rock like Stalactite!
The owner of a problem bends bionichesky a divider! Dizzy head speed we heat ten pint bitter!
Figtin' crime is our deal, and gravy is the tool! So don't make be "Zoff!" and "Poink!" your sorry clown ass, fool!
Directly outta Gotham, the mad profligate of mother by name the Striker-dude! Of the tape it called Batmen with the Attitude!
For real, this is the last time you huff Bat Anti-Evil-Clown gas before coming on stage, Robin…
I! Do not make me put a cap in your white donkey, Ordinance!

 

by jes_lawson
10-05-03
Last night on IRC, I thought kaufman was someone else.
And after I sent you my lecture notes as proof!
There was, of course, a very good explanation for my confusion...
Some hours earlier, in a bar near London Bridge...
You surprise and delight me, Dani. You, and your little green fairy friend behind you...
Ah! I haven't had an absinthe for years! I'm feeling nostalgic! Or is it vertigo?

 

by jes_lawson
10-07-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
OOOF!
To test his +1 Boots of 'Nad-Kicking...

 

by jes_lawson
10-08-03
With acknowledgements to kramer_vs_kramer

 

by jes_lawson
10-09-03
I don't like the way I'm used on Stripcreator!
I don't like the way I'm used on Stripcreator!
JINX!
JINX!
Grr!
Grr!

 

by jes_lawson
10-09-03
I'm sick of being used as either as a terrorist or an Iraqi!
Bunch of arse! Try being portrayed as a drunken Scot week in week out!
Pah! I'm wearing a turban. Arabs wear a ghutra. It's sacrilege!
I've been drawn wearing a kilt and holding a pint of beer. I'm...
...A cross dressing Hawaiian with a fetish for beakers of urine?
You're gonnae get a Glasgow kiss in a minute...

 

by jes_lawson
10-09-03
Your attitude insults and offends me, "Jock"
Like I care, "Abdul"
Heathen Transvestite!
Towel-Head!
Insults will get you nowhere! I, however, have slipped some anthrax into your lager!
*Boak* Best pint of Tennents I ever...*hurk!*

 

by jes_lawson
10-09-03
Victory for the Arab League! ...who are you?
My name is Kajun from a previous incarnation. You killed my avatar! Prepare to die!
Arabians don't believe in reincarnation.
Neither do the Scots. But in the words of Highlander...
¡Dos Pablos Nimos!
Allah Ahkbar, that stings! *dies*
"There can be only one!"

 

by jes_lawson
10-10-03
And in this section, you'll see our exhibitions of fossilised prehistoric creatures!
Cool! This museum is way better than battling giant robots!
Hey! Don't I recognise you from some place?
The first rule about being a paeleontologist, is that you do NOT talk about being a paeleontologist.

 

by jes_lawson
10-10-03
Holly! An urgent mission from Fight Club HQ!
Awww! And I was just about to look up the Thesaurus and finally see the Doyathinkhesaurus!
They want you to travel back in time to save mankind again!
Time travel? Aw, but that stinks! All those dumb paradoxes and explaining to the world press why Belgium vanished!
Well, you know what they say...
I know, I know: "The first rule of Time Travel, is that you do not , never have, and never will talk about Time Travel."

 

by jes_lawson
10-10-03
Good luck in the Triassic era, Holly! *zzzip*
Duh...over here, Gabe... Hey! Did you take a whizz in the time chamber...
65 million years earlier...
...again?
Who the hell are you?
You must be Mankind's champion. Smaller than I expected, and stinking of stale urine, but no matter. Follow me!

 

by jes_lawson
10-11-03
So...you lizard guys see much fighting when Time Travelling?
Oh yeah! Last week, I personally fought three rounds with President Schwarzenegger on the Moon!
You're the guy I gotta fight?
Heh. Dat's right, little missy! And I gotta warn ya, I'm feeling sexy this epoch! You won't be able to resist me!
You don't look all that hot to me...
Baby doll, I'm so horny, I'm smokin'!

 

by jes_lawson
10-11-03
Enough talk, let's fight!
You won't know what hit you, toots...
Deadly Shining Penguin² Mune-Tsuki™
"Ah see skies of blue! And clouds of white!"
Heh heh heh!
What the...

 

by jes_lawson
10-12-03
I don't know how you survived that attack, but you won't survive...
Skiddely-be-ba-da-ba-do-ba-za-ba-da-ba-doo!
...a Shaolin Soccer Beckham-Ryu Corner Kick! YIE-AR!
That...that was plain confusing!
Heh heh heh!

 

by jes_lawson
10-12-03
I'm sooo like, gonna Proto-Infinite (±n) Euro -Shiñ Kick Ãssault you!!...gagh!
"And I thinks to mah-self..."
*gasp* ½µ³ Scientific Daito-Ryu Panty Raider Kick!
"Whadda Wonderfurl Worrrllld!"
*Gasp* OK, I give up, you win! How the hell am I having no effect on you?
Well, I oughta stamp on your pretty little self right now, but I guess I could explain...

 

by jes_lawson
10-12-03
I...I tried everything I knew...It's like you're invunerable!
Us Walkin' Lizards have learned to harvest Universal Energies and such. We're everywhere and nowhere at once, like!
Wow! So what was with the Nat King Cole?
Freeform Be-bop and crooner standards help centre da mind. Dat's ya foist lesson!
Awesome! What's Lesson 2? Deflecting Extinction-Level Event asteroids and stuff?
Woah, missy! Some things we just ain't never gonna need to know! Dat's playin with fire! Fire, I tells ya!

 

by jes_lawson
10-12-03
65 million years and a few days later...
Tyler! I lost the fight, but the Dinousars taught me the secrets of the physical Universe!
Well whoop-de-freaking do! There's only one place for losers, Holly!
And in this section, you'll see the pickled remains of Hollicus Loserus. Note the close fitting blouse and short primitive skirt it used to distract its opponents...
Gee! It looks so lifelike, Mister Durden! Where did you...
The first rule of being a paeleontologist is that you do NOT talk about being a paeleontologist!

 

by jes_lawson
10-13-03
The results are in. CrunchyCheese has been eliminated from the Election.
No! How did this happen?
Yo, monkey boy! Ever lost an arm to an Astrobanana Harvesting Device? Thought not. Vote for Jes, 'kay?
*ulp*...
Oh. Yeah....
You're not gonna believe this one. Says here someone's out to even the score...

 

by jes_lawson
10-14-03
Don't tell me - the 2014 World's Fair committee heard about the vote rigging...
Not quite. Remember when you fed the ominously cute furry things at the after party?
O No! I honestly thought those were moon rocks I found up my nose!
We can still rescue this one...
Item! President Jes offers to host Pop Moon Gremlin Idol in his pants. First up, Xoxarle sings "Unchained Melody!"
If Dick Clark were dead, he'd be rolling in his grave.

 

by jes_lawson
10-16-03
My leg hurts! I think it's broken...
I'll write you up a quot-a sir. It looks like it'll cost $400 for this consultation.
For this money, there's no a-voiding it, Doctor! I'd like an X-ray!
A what? Nonsense! A course of leeches and a barium and kiwi-fruit enema will heal thy ailments, good sir!
This is zoomin' ridiculous! I want a second opinion!
OK - You're an idiot for trying to dive for bearded clams in the Lesbos Gulf...

 

by jes_lawson
10-17-03
Attention Stripcreator. Over the next few strips you're going to see a distinct difference in my strips.
This is simply because...
I am fucking insane!

 

by jes_lawson
10-17-03
I am slowly cracking up. Would you agrtee, AstroJes?
Badgers? Immovable Vree? Hurtline Headline! Ban the Dam, Dan! Service Department?
Das PurpleHairySpider Forkenment!
I understand.
Gibidigibidigibidi!
Gibidigibidigibidi!

 

by jes_lawson
10-17-03
Can you be more specific?
No. It's just a general feeling
General Levy?
I am the AHK! In-cred! AHK! In-cred AHK! In-cred-ih-bahl Gen'ral!

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-03
Apologies for the loss of service, this was due to me letting off a little steam
We now return you to the world of mental stability and awful, awful puns...
Wanna go and play basketball?
I can't. My fingers have been fighting with each other.
I've never had that problem.
Well, you wouldn't. You don't have opposable thumbs!

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-03
We must consider in itself the nature of fire and water, air and earth....For to this day no one has explained their generation, but we speak as if men knew what fire, earth and each of the others is.
Ha Ha!
Whάt τλε Fμεκ ΆΡΈ ΨΦύ Тαξκίνζ ΆβФμт?

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
Ha ha! I never get tired of hearing that one, roomie! Say, we've challenged Phi Alpha Tau to a kegger, wanna come?
Sure, just let me put some pants on first. On second thoughts, skip that...

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-03
*click*
zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Hey, what were you doing sleeping in my room?
This is MY room. What are you doing in here?
*Sigh* This is the last time I rent a room from eBay!
The handling charges alone could have got you a suite at the Best Western.

 

by jes_lawson
10-18-03
Hey you, let's fight!
Them's fightin' words...
Accelerated-ƒ² Tiger Prawn Bubblegum Jaw Breaker Shomenuchi ® !
AWK!
Get up, ya pussy!
Yrr, jsst lrgy rr drn't hrve mrr brrck wrrth mrrr!

 

by jes_lawson
10-21-03
So how was it for you baby?
To be honest, I only slept with you because of your bragging. Your "organ" was tiny!
Yeah...well...
If I'd known I was going to be playing in a cathedral, I wouldn't have bothered...

 

by jes_lawson
10-21-03
What's up?
I've got a case of gonorrhoea!
Can you give me a bottle? I'm getting sick of the Chardonnay!

 

by jes_lawson
10-24-03
Boy, how much crap do you think gets thrown in here on a daily basis?
Hard to say...
OK, I've got one Steven Segal box-set and a Celine Dion compilation. Sign here.
...but it's not quantity that counts...

Showing page 7.

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