All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
9-28-01
o/` Springtime: Bin Laden, Afghanistan // Muslim extremists unite ...
o/` Look in the sky - a crop-duster // You've been infected, ha-ha, buster ...
Yo, Ozzie, what have you got for me, man?
Mehmet, I want you and Ali to take this explosive and hijack the moon and crash it into the US and Israel.
But there was no air on the moon, and the terrorists did not have spacesuits. Someone had set them up the bomb! Their blood boiled and ignited.
Aaaaarrrrggggh!!!
Aaaaarrrrggggh!!!

 

by kaufman
9-29-01
Evil_d_zer is visited by three ghosts
I am the Ghost of Contests Past. I ask you to make a deal with Evil.
If I can win this Contest, I'll do your bidding.
I am the Ghost of Contests Present. You are to collect as much stupidity as is humanly possible.
Ph33r m3!!!1111 4ll U b453 -R- B3l0ng 2 m3h.
I am the Ghost of Contests Future. You will submit an ode to Toilet Seats.
God, no! I repent, I repent! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

 

by kaufman
9-30-01
Nice game, Tobor. See you tomorrow.
Take care, Clango.

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
WELCOME TO ASSTRONOMY 101. MY NAME IS PROFESSOR TOBOR.
TODAY I SHOW YOU THE BASICS OF CORNHOLING. WATCH WHAT TOBOR DO WITH THIS DONKEY.
Excuse me, Professor Tobor, but I thought in this class we'd be looking at stars and things.
OH YES, INDEED. SOON YOU BE SEEING STARS!!!

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
Rah!
Rah!
Rah!
Rah!
RAAAAR!!!!!
Rah!

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
Thank you all for coming out to cheerleading tryouts. We'll let you know Wednesday who's made the team.
Rah!
Rah!
RAAAAR!!!
Rah!

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
... which approaches zero as the torque increases. Thus, Max's Theorem spells out the requirements for graviton generation. Any questions?
TOBOR DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
Nice dorm room you've got here, Dave. I like the seascape wall poster.
Heh heh, thanks, Clango. Watch what happens when I turn out the lights and turn on the black light ...
WHOOOAAA!
Pretty freaky, eh? That and my bong are real chick magnets!

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
o/` LOUIE LOUIE! RAAAR, RAAAR, MECORNHOLEYU, YAHYAHYAHYAHYAH!
Care to dance?
What do you think of the band, Otter?
Sucks, man! I can almost understand the words!

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
?
!
Mommy!

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
... so through the process of *abstraction*, the robot simplifies its knowledge base, maintaining only information relevant to its task.
The opposite transmutation, the augmentation of a description, is called *concretion*. Can anyone give me an example?
Ooh, ooh, Dr. Kaufman, like this!
Yeah, right, Shanahan, you're just lucky I have a sense of humor.
Hey, we agree in principle, we just differ in the cementics.

 

by kaufman
10-01-01
Last weekend, my mother did find, Me beating my meat 'twixt the pines.
She told me:
Son, get your hand off your gun!
If you don't, you will likely go blind!

 

by kaufman
10-02-01
Here lies Edward Arthur McTeering, who warns, "Make sure your instructor ain't hard of hearing."
I always wonder about the stories behind some of these epitaphs ...
All right, here's your flashback:
Ready for your first jump?
I think so, but please give me the sturdiest parachute you've got.
I ... SAID ... PARACHUTE! ... NOT ... PAIR ... OF ... SHOES!!!!

 

by kaufman
10-02-01

 

by kaufman
10-02-01
You look awful. Have you seen a dermatologist for that?

 

by kaufman
10-02-01
Told you!

 

by kaufman
10-02-01
What's up?
Quick, let me in! It's raining crabbys and wirthlings out here!
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!
Gabe blows donkeys nightly.
WASH & WASH MILLENIUM WASH!
Aiiiiieeeeeee!!!!

 

by kaufman
10-02-01
Deep beneath the Misty Mountains...
Oh, put that sword down, and let's settle this like civilized creatureses.
Like what? A game of riddles?
A fine idea. Hobbarooses is wise. If I stumpses you, I gets to eat you, and if you stumpses me, I shows you the way to freedom. You go first.
Ok, uh, what do I have in my pocket?
Shit!

 

by kaufman
10-03-01
Check out frame 7 of this comic for the good stuff!

 

by kaufman
10-03-01
COME TO CRAZY AL'S FIREPROOF HORSE EMPORIUM! WE SELL NONE BUT THE MOST FIREPROOF HORSES HERE AT CRAZY AL'S.
DON'T BELIEVE ME? WATCH THIS!
SEE? NOT THE LEAST BIT OF HARM. GIT ON DOWN TO CRAZY AL'S FIREPROOF HORSE EMPORIUM, RECOMMENDED BY FOUR OUT OF FIVE GREEK GODS!

 

by kaufman
10-03-01
So how do I translate a number from base 10 to base 13 again?
Find the highest power of 13 less than your number, and divide your number by that. That's your first digit. Then divide the remainder by ...
Math is hard.

 

by kaufman
10-03-01
Hello?
DexX, this is Matthew again.
Look, I told you I'd get your forumuser picture up, and I will. Real Soon Now.
I'm just calling to tell you that you have no excuses now -- I've moved up in the queue now that Kevin Keegan's Perm has gotten himself a character.
Got himself a character?
Okay, no more about the World Trade Center. Can we get back to the subject of Glasgow pubs?

 

by kaufman
10-04-01
Ok, so it was a somewhat large hairball; what's the big deal?

 

by kaufman
10-04-01
Welcome to Whose Line, the game where everything's made up and the points don't matter, they're like lubricant to Tobor. Let's play Hoedown. I want you to make a hoedown about writing comics.
I started a site so folks could make comics, The rate of posting them has gone supersonic, They've got contests, inside jokes, it really drives me mad, I even had to change my name from Johnny to Brad
I compose new comics every day and night, How I do so many, folks don't think it is right, To generate such volume, it don't take a fool, I churn out strips describing wirthling's lust for a pink mule
Lots of capital letters used to be the thing for me, But subtlety wins more fans, I've begun to see, Winning comic contests is not that hard a trick, Even if you still refuse to suck on any dick.
I toil night and day drawing all you folks, It gives me smiles when you use them in good jokes, My eyes are all strained, my fingers have turned brown, But most difficult of all, I do it upside-down!

 

by kaufman
10-05-01
My family's in Paris, and robbers are trying to break into my house.
Hey little boy, won't you open the door?
Ok.
Aaiiiiiiiiiieeee!

 

by kaufman
10-05-01
Ensign, that windshield's looking kind of grungy. Can you put on your EVA suit and clean it off?
Aye-aye, Commander.
Captain, I'm done installing the ultratransspatiomographic drive we picked up from the Autobahnians.
Great, can't wait to try it out. We'll be home in 15 minutes.
Engage!
Dammit, Volgor, this ride's supposed to be smooth. What's that thump I heard?

 

by kaufman
10-05-01
Heh, I am Borg. *hic* Prepare to be *hic* ash-ashim-ashimmulated.
Undercover Vice Squad. Lady, you are drunk. I'll have to take you in if you can't pass a sobriety test. Now what is your name?
Give me a moment. Uh, one two three four five six eig...er...Seven! of let's see...one two three *hic* where was I? two three four ... What was the question?
All right, into the car with you!

 

by kaufman
10-05-01
An Altarian set of transporters would be just fine for the ship, you said. No risk in trading with a culture whose #1 pastime is Russian Roulette, you said.

 

by kaufman
10-06-01
Captain, my speciefic scanner detects a few Earth-based life forms on the Zoopst homeworld.
Let me hear. That'll help me decide what kind of away team to send.
Interestingly, they all fall into a few categories -- Bolivian presidents, Spinal Tap drummers, Mets third basemen, kids named Kenny, ...
Hmmmmm...
Hmmmmm...
Why are you all looking at me like that?

 

by kaufman
10-06-01
Chernobian antibiotic serum to Rigel VI.
Tritium extract to Sector G-4.
Quantum anal probe to Wesley Crusher's sphincter.
Omnigenic white dwarf fungus to the Kookoojin Empire: CHECKMATE!
Damn.
Blast!

 

by kaufman
10-07-01
Welcome to the Cable Love Boat Channel. All Love Boat, all the time.
Oh man, this sucks.
Click THIS, Gopher.
I love my new souped-up remote.

 

by kaufman
10-08-01
Of course I did a headcount, Maura. Now let's just fire up the gigawarp, and get back to the Nymphonian pleasure planet.

 

by kaufman
10-08-01
Baseball 2000: Weight-trained sluggers regularly clout the ball into the sea.
Paddle harder, son, there's Bonds' 85th!
Damn, fourth one today to splash me out of the water.
Baseball 1000: Armor-clad athletes take hours to reach the ball and/or circle the bases. The days-long games eventually evolve into cricket.
Huzzah! I crawlth into first baseth!
Throw me the ball already!
Which is still luxury compared to baseball two millennia ago!
That one's yours.
What do you mean "you get the ball"? I'm fuckin' nailed to this "glove".

 

by kaufman
10-08-01
HI-YAAAA!
Excellent. I think you're ready to move up to some tougher competition.
You really think so, sensei? What would happen if I entered a celebrity tournament against Shelley Long, Arturs Irbe, Mel Torme, and Zorba the Greek?
Hmmmm, in all honesty, I think the order of finish from top to bottom would be ...
Holly, Irbe, Zorba, Long, Torme.

 

by kaufman
10-09-01
10 AM
Ooooh, wook at widdle Biwwy. Isn't he just the cutest warva!
1 PM
Bzzzzzzzzz.
Damn, where's my flyswatter?
9 PM
This is the grave of your great-grandfather Bill. He died a long time, maybe six whole hours ago.

 

by kaufman
10-09-01
Good news, Suzy, I've found a Christmas tree. You know my buddy Will? His Marine unit has a yew they don't need, and they said we could have it.
Hold the thought, Art. I've got a lead on a fabulous fir that would be perfect for us. I'll just make a call and see if it'll come through.
So we can have that fir tree?
Absolutely.
ARRRT! ABORT WILL'S CORPS NOEL YEW!!!

 

by kaufman
10-09-01
Friday, October 12th, 2001: 9:23 AM Eastern
Hey, I won this Day in the Life Contest! I'll have to think of a good set of rules for CC 72.
(1) Write a sonnet to a tree. (2) All dialogue must be in Urdu. (3) No Asiangirls. (4) Each narration box must prove a mathematical theorem.
Posted 11:41 AM
1:14 AM (3:14 PM in Australia)
I like kaufman's entry best ... wait, what's this Paradox one? On second thought, let me post THIS message...
Congratulations, ObiJo. You won.

 

by kaufman
10-10-01
2:54 AM
Hello?
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
3:11 AM
Hello.
UP YOURS, BABY KILLER!
3:23 AM, etc.
Hello?
I HOPE YOUR DICK FALLS OFF, YOU SCUMSUCKING TERRORIST A-RAB!

 

by kaufman
10-11-01
Hitler.

 

by kaufman
10-12-01
Morning
Noon
Evening

 

by kaufman
10-12-01
You know the song, the one that goes, "Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes ..."
Well, the Beatles have nothing on me.
I've got Raquel Welch in my heart and in my lungs!

 

by kaufman
10-12-01
Hey, look, it's Stevie Cargot, the world's slowest talker! Hey Stevie, I bet you can't say the name of the 1992 Daniel Day Lewis film that took place in revolutionary America before you die.
Last
of
the
moh!
Too late!

 

by kaufman
10-12-01
Sucky sucky, five dollars.
Sucky sucky, five dollars.

 

by kaufman
10-12-01
Oh no! You wicked man, please don't toss that bucket of icy water onto my tight sweater!
Please insert 25 cents to see the next frame ...

 

by kaufman
10-13-01
Our evil plans are sure to succeed. Captain Uterus will be destroyed.
Heh heh heh.
I should be saving the world, but I'd rather just have a tryst with you.
Oooh, I love you too.

 

by kaufman
10-14-01
------WHOOOOOOSH!------
Wheeeeeee!
Yikes!
I love tsunamis.
But it's such a bitch getting back to the sea afterwards.

 

by kaufman
10-15-01
STOP THIS RIDE I'M GOING TO HURL!!!!

 

by kaufman
10-15-01
moh?
I can take you across if you've got a couple of silver coins.
............... YOU ARE HERE ...............
Oh crap, my other two heads overslept again.

 

by kaufman
10-15-01
I think we should just be friends.
I've got to lay off the bottle. I've begun seeing double.
I hate every thing imaginable about you. I don't EVER want to see you again!

 

by kaufman
10-15-01
Approaching halftime: Redskins and Cowboys -- NO SCORE
RAAAR!!! TOBOR'S APPENDAGE ALL RUSTY.
Mah donkey left me for an ugly sheep.

Showing page 7.

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