All comics by mmyers

Profile

 

by mmyers
8-26-03
Mom and Dad, Thanks for bringing me up in the kind of household that you did.
It gave me the confidence to leave and join a gang.
What're you looking at, bitch?

 

by mmyers
8-26-03
That day I saw you in the showers, I felt my heart begin to fly.
And so I brought you flowers, with a tear rested upon my eye.
And if you turn against me, I'm going to shiv you, bitch, until you die, die, die. All my love, Raymond.

 

by mmyers
8-26-03
I'll give ya another good piece of advice, Scot, always do your grocery shopping during the daytime, particularly on weekdays.
That seems to make sense.
Because the crowds are less and they are more apt to have sales on slower days, right?
Well that and that during the daytime is when strippers do all of their grocery shopping, probably because they work late nights. Now most of the time, I see them in the dairy aisles...
We should probably be heading home.

 

by mmyers
8-26-03
Darby's journal: 08/26/03: Having become restless, I have decided to use my inflatable Safety Donkey to make a break for civilization.
I said my goodbyes to everyone on the island, and in particular, Sedementary. I told her I'd write to her if I could and that I'd send back for her once I got back home. She just stared.
Honestly, I was glad she didn't say anything. Looking at her as I sailed away, it reminded me, I've always said, her smile was metamorphic, her personality was igneous, but her temper is volcanic.

 

by mmyers
8-28-03
Christmas is right around the corner and I've barely done any shopping. I have to buy presents for all my coworkers and all my family and all the malls are going to be packed.
Plus I have to worry about parties and engagements and trying not to offend my Jewish friends. I need to get the decorations out of the attic. Also I need to start my diet so I won't bloat out.
Then I have to worry about coffee cakes, fruit cakes, chocolate cakes, pastries, pies, cobblers, fruit salads, bunt cakes, home made breads, ice cream, homemade icecream, croissants...
Not to mention egg nog, mixed drinks, margaritas, martinis, high balls, shooters, jello shots, moonshine, speed, marijuana, opium, cocaine, speedballs, crack, heroin, nitrious oxide, hand grenades...
Damn woman, shut up! I'm trying to play solitaire on my computer and all I can hear is your bitching and moaning. You know what you need, Cathy? A deep dickin'. It'll clear your head right up.
Hmmm....

 

by mmyers
8-28-03
Darby's journal: August 28. I've been at sea for two days now, riding on the back of my Safety Donkey. The trip hasn't been bad, except for the motion sickness and the circling sharks.
Yesterday, vultures started circling overhead too. Eventually, they started getting tired of circling, though. Without any place to land, they started plopping into the water.
The sharks gobbled them up pretty quickly. Now the sharks are looking up in the air waiting for more to fall, which is better for me. The sharks look like a wack-a-mole game when they come up.

 

by mmyers
8-28-03
Darby's journal: Made a sad discovery today, with the help of Safety Donkey.
Safety Donkey is not to be used as a floatation device. Please use under adult supervision. Please do not fill with warm air.
Sadly, warm air was the only air I had access to on the island. Also, there was that thing about Safety Donkey not being a floatation device.
It's written in like 20 different languages. What more did you need?

 

by mmyers
8-29-03
Oh man, where am I? I must be having some kind of S-and-M dream, complete with leather daddies with hooks and swords.
No, matey, we pulled you out of the sea. You are aboard the SS Nemoy, and I'm the captain of this here vessel, Blackie McCheeseboro.
An S-and-M vessel?
No, we mostly catch fish and push barges along the southern coastline of the US, from New Orleans to Texas.
New Orleans, the S-and-M capitol of the south?
No...well, yes New Orleans is the S-and-M capitol...look, do ye want to be rescued or not?

 

by mmyers
8-29-03
*Knock*Knock*
Mama, it's me, Darby, your long lost son come back after these long fifteen years.
Darby...is that you?
Yes, mama, it's me, your long lost Darby. *weep*
I need your help getting this lid off the pickle jar. And get inside, you're letting all the flies out.

 

by mmyers
9-02-03
Dawg-gone, boy, you're 'bout as queer as a football bat. Hoo-wee!
Yep, I'm gay. So you are going to give me a makeover of some sort. Am I understanding that correctly?
Dadgummit, son, you're queerer than a three dollar bill. I ain't ever seen somebody so gay in my life.
Yes, I think we've covered the fact that I'm gay. So, the premise of the show is that you remake me into a more 'manly' man.
Dang, son, you're gayer than a Memorial day parade in New Orleans.
I think I'll be over at craft services if you decide that you need me.

 

by mmyers
9-02-03
Who the hell are you?
It's me, Darby, your dad.
My dad died in 1985 of lung cancer.
Oh...did I say I was your dad? What I meant to say is that I'm the guy who's been living in your room and poking your mom on the side.
I think I need to lay down.
Hey, it's about time you got a job, don't ya think? Stopped leeching off your ma and me. I own White Krystal, the home of the small hamburger. You can come and work for me.

 

by mmyers
9-02-03
Darby's journal, September 1: Today, I started my job at the White Krystal.
Thank you for chosing White Krystal, home of the small hamburger. May I take your order?
Hi, I'm Darby Dillman. I'm here to start working.
Would you like fries with that?
No, no. I work here now. My mom's boyfriend hired me. I just need someone to show me where I can change into my outfit.
Would you like to UP size that for 50 cents more? You get a large drink and fries.
Could I speak to a manager, please?

 

by mmyers
9-02-03
I appreciate your hiring me, Miss Chicka. I'll do my best.
Hey Darby, if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean. Sponge the counters if you have nothing better to do.
Um, I think the counters haven't been sponged here in about a decade. It seems redundant to do it now.
If you've got time to talk back, you've got time to drain fat. I want you to drain the fat bins underneath the grills.
I've noticed your managerial style involves rhyming things. Um...if I've got time to grab a broom, do I have enough time to go to the bathroom? I really gotta pee.
Pee on your own time. If you've got time to complain, you've got...I'll be in my office making up more rhymes.

 

by mmyers
9-02-03
Thank you for trying White Krystal, would you like...
Shut up, you acne faced geek and let me give you my fucking order. I want a #4, without lettuce and with extra mustard. Think you can handle that, junior?
Would you like to Up size that for...
Did I say that I wanted to Up size it? No I didn't! I asked for a #4, without lettuce, didn't I? Is that so hard to get through your thick skull?
It's nice to be back in civilization. I've missed human contact.
Chop-chop, jerky, I don't want to be late for banging your girlfriend..

 

by mmyers
9-03-03
When I was your age, Scot, little girls looked like little girls. Women didn't start getting boobs until they were 17 or 18, and sometimes not at all.
And older women looked old, too. Now with surgery and stuff, older chicks look like they're in their 30s. Teenage chicks looking older, older chicks looking young...
I tell you, man, it's a great time to be alive.

 

by mmyers
9-03-03
Mama, today at work, they were playing music over the speakers, I think it was Bryan Adams, and he said, "These are the best days of our lives," and I was thinking, you know, these are the best days.
Darby, go get momma some Kool-Aid. She's watching her stories.

 

by mmyers
9-03-03
So I sez to hem 'Thoze rotor turbnes ain't gona generate gravetons bye themselfes! ROFL OMFG! :P LOL
*Pop*
It looks like you're typing a letter. Would you like help? *Get help with letter *Just type the letter *Cancel
*Cancel*
You'll regret this day, cowboy!! One day you'll need my help composing a letter...OOONNNEEE DDDAAAYYYY!

 

by mmyers
9-04-03
Dear Sedementary@yahoo.com, I'm writing this email to you in the hope that the island now has internet access and that you have it and that you have an account with yahoo and that this is your email.
I tried to write you a letter but not having the exact of the island made that difficult. I thought something more extreme might be in order.
I tried to put a message in a bottle and throw it into the ocean, but there was a beach cop there and he kept swimming out and retrieving it. I was fined $75 for littering. 'Romance is dead' he said.

 

by mmyers
9-04-03
I still would like to send back for you and I hope you haven't found someone else. I saw the way that the palm tree looked at you. I'll bet he jumped at the opportunity. Anyway, I love and miss you.
Feels like I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah...
ROFL IMAO OMFG LOL ;-P >:( XXXOOXX Darby69@hotmail.com

 

by mmyers
9-05-03
Yeah, wee, yee-haw, woo!
Allright, everyone quiet down and scoot in. Today, we are going to witness the beautiful and natural act of salmon spawning.
What's 'spawning'?
You know, doing it, boning, the dirty deed, the nasty, the beast with two backs, bumping uglies, slobbin' the nob, riding the bologna train?
Um, no.
Man, what are they teaching third graders these days?

 

by mmyers
9-05-03
Allright, it says in here that the salmon swim upstream in order to make it to their spawning beds. It says they use their sense of smell to get there.
How do the mom and dad fishes find each other?
I guess through like a dating service or something, or maybe they have friends introduce them. Or maybe they meet at a bar...
He spends all his money buying her apple martinis and just then another salmon rolls up and she leaves with him. Man, salmon are fucking depressing. Let's roll.

 

by mmyers
9-05-03
Hey, filing clerk, we're going to need you to stay late today and work on this lawsuit for us.
Screw this, man, I'm going to take my time machine and go to a simpler time, maybe I'll be a cowboy or something.
This is going to be 10 times cooler than living in the boring old 21st century.
Howdy partner, I'm a cow poke looking for a job as a cow rangler or a farm person thingy.
Well, we don't have any openings for cowboys but we are looking to find someone to sort all the paperwork we keep on the cows, if'n you're organized, I mean.

 

by mmyers
9-08-03
I tell you, man, I feel sorry for single guys. They hangout at the bars for awhile, then get a new girlfriend and have to spend the next 6 months at home with them.
Yep, being married is where it's at. We get to stay out as late as we want at the bar. If I get home before my wife's asleep, she groans, walks up stairs, and hides in the bathroom until I passout.
Hey, I'm married. Allright!
So?
Well, chicks go crazy for married guys, right? This wedding ring is like catnip to a loose chick.
Yeah, um, women usually look for a married guy who has a lot of money and is eager to please. You look like you could barely please one woman, much less two.

 

by mmyers
9-08-03
Thank you for coming to White Krystal, would you like to order one of our combos today?
Actually, I'm working here now. My name is Ramona.
Oh, my name is Darby.
Well, it's nice to meet you Darby. Gosh, if everyone is as friendly as you are, I think I'm going to be just fine here.
I have a girlfriend who's a 2 ton piece of rock but she's on an island in the south Pacific. I just thought you should know that I'm in a commited relationship.
My boyfriend is away in the Navy and has been overseas for the last 8 months. I'm awfully lonely. I thought you should know that I'm easy.

 

by mmyers
9-09-03
For driving your car into that busload of orphans and nuns while under the influence of alcohol, I'm throwing your ass in jail. Fortunately, everyone is OK.
Oh man, I'm so relieved. I thought I may have spilled my drink.
Hey, you spilled your tequila in my cranberry juice!
You spilled your cranberry juice into my tequila! It's two great tastes that go great together!
Let's fight!

 

by mmyers
9-09-03
Well, my first day at work went pretty well, I think.
Sure did. The way you cleaned the pipes in the kitchen was very arousing.
Excuse me?
I mean that strictly in a penis way.
I see.
I meant to say professional way. I would never want to violate you orally, I mean aurally. Oh for crying outloud.

 

by mmyers
9-09-03
Knight to Rook 4.
I tell you, electronic chessboard from Radio Shack, you're the only one I can talk to. I've got a major problem. Pawn to Knight 3.
Bishop to Queen 6.
Pawn takes Knight. There's a girl named Ramona at my job and she's really coming on to me. She bends over in front of me and brushes me with her boobs. What do I do?
Bishop takes Queen while King is off in the Navy. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
You're not like the electronic chess games that I remember from before I was ship wrecked.

 

by mmyers
9-10-03
I'm trying to get everything cleaned up. First things first, I'm taking a load of old clothes to the Salvation Army.
So what am I supposed to do?
Pack up your old stuff. I'm giving away tons of old clothes that I've had since high school and you should too.
But my clothes from high school still fit me.
What? Where are you going?

 

by mmyers
9-10-03
Darby's journal: Today I worked the drive-thru.
Here's your burger and fries, sir. And I remembered to hold the pickles, just like you asked. 'Night.
I'd like to hold your pickles, Darby.
Um, since I'm the night manager and all, I'll need you to make sure the bathrooms are all cleaned up, Ramona, you know, before we close and all that.
I'd like to make sure YOU'RE all cleaned up after we close and all that.
I see what you're doing, turning everything I say into something vaguely sexual, but I must say, I'm not interested in your advances.
This one is going to be a little more difficult than the first two, but...um, OK. I'd like to advance YOU. Not my best innuendo, but, hey, you work with what you get.

 

by mmyers
9-11-03
Alright, Ramona, looks like we're ready to close up...Ramona? Where are you?
I'm on the floor, Darby, naked and rubbed down with bacon grease from the grill. Ooh-la-la.
Oh dear lord.
Yep, I'm all greased up and ready for action, Darby. I'll be your super sized happy meal, hold the inhabitions.
Did you use all of our lettuce making that rug on the floor?
I sure did, and you should see what I did with all the bacon.

 

by mmyers
9-11-03
Enough is enough, I can't take this anymore. I'm not supposed to be in the city. I'm an island guy. I should have stayed put.
Mamma, I'm leaving and going back to my island, if I can find it, and you'll never see me again. So long, mamma.
You're not going to get your security deposit back, I hope you know that. And grab the trash on your way to the curb!

 

by mmyers
9-19-03
Hey Filing clerk, I heard you just returned from your Grandma's funeral. Are you allright?
Yeah man. I'm OK, thanks.
You know, I had a goldfish once that died and my kids wanted to bury it in the backyard in a shoebox. Well, the wife and I just wanted to flush it, right? So we tell the kids...
You know, on second thought, I'm in a very dark place and will need for you to leave me alone for the next 4 to 6 weeks.
I can dig it.

 

by mmyers
9-23-03
Every morning when I get up, I notice a little more hair on my body, my arms and face looking longer, my IQ lowering.
The older I get, the more I look and act like a monkey.
Come to think of it, the older I get, the better bananas taste. Interesting.

 

by mmyers
9-23-03
Damn this banana is good. Honey, I'm off to work.
Allright, Harold. Please be sure to...AHHHH! There's a monkey in the house!
Sylvia has the strangest sense of humor. Hmm, I wonder if I have time to fling poo at cars before work?

 

by mmyers
9-24-03
I can't believe Finkleman is dead.
I know, it's such a shock.
Did you know him?
No.
Well, that explains why the eulogy you gave for him was so awkward.
Hey, chances are he probably WAS into black chicks and gambling.

 

by mmyers
9-24-03
uNnAmED sitzt auf einer bank und denkt sich nichs böses als ...
hey *narfnarf* ich bin man@work *narfnarf* das sprechende eichhörnchen *narfnarf*
*narfnarf*
*munch munch* Talking squirrel or not, he deserved to die.

 

by mmyers
9-24-03
uNnAmED sitzt auf einer bank und denkt sich nichs böses als ...
hey *narfnarf* ich bin man@work *narfnarf* das sprechende eichhörnchen *narfnarf*
*narfnarf*
So the experiment was a success, I've successfully transplanted myself in to the German version of Peanuts. Now to seek out the Red Baron before he shoots down Snoopy. Come Dieflader Maus!
hallo ? *narfnarf* uNnAmED ? *narfnarf*

 

by mmyers
9-24-03
Hey Harold, we've all noticed that it's been a little *ahem* awkward around here lately. I was wondering if you'd do me a favor?
Sure, anything for you, Frank.
I'd like you to read this book for me, it's called The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. I think it might be *ahem* timely for you.
Sure thing, Ted. Say, you know what book I like? Animal Farm. Good book.
Just read the fucking book, Harold.
I also like Gorillas in the Mist. It's kind of an erotic thriller. I dunno, something about it.

 

by mmyers
9-24-03
The next day...
Say Harold, did you have a chance to read that book I let you borrow? The Kafka one?
Sure did. I left it on your desk.
Um, great. Did you like it?
Sure did. It was a real page turner.
Yeah, I was curious because it kind of looked like you ripped out a bunch of pages and perhaps spread feces around inside of it.
Right, you know, now that you mention it, I may have done that instead. You know me, I'm a prankster. Eek eek!

 

by mmyers
9-25-03
Whuteber is bloomeng, pleaze stob it! I can't fuckging breave out of my node!

 

by mmyers
9-25-03
Hey, how's life?
It's great. My fantasy baseball team is in second place, I'm winning an auction on EBay, my fighter on the WBL just won his fight, and I'm entering a contest on StripCreator as we speak.
Yeah, but I mean, how's your real life going? How's your job? How's your money? Got a girlfriend, yet?
Oh man...I'm definitely going to have to write about this in my web journal.

 

by mmyers
9-25-03
Clango teaches Rube how to add a pinch of salt.
Pinch it ...
Like this?
Wrong hand...
oh.
We join Tad Weekly live at the scene of the Cooking with Clango show, where a pinch of salt turned into the spice...of death.
The robot popularly known as Clango, the Spice-Bot malfunctioned today, killing 7 and then rubbing salt into the wounds. Experts blame a misplaced refridgerator magnet.

 

by mmyers
9-26-03
Darby's Journal: The Journey begins...and then ends rather rapidly.
I'm coming back to you, Sedimentary! I'm...what's that noise?
Phhssssssssss.....
Stupid patch kit. You know, come to think of it, why didn't I just got to the store and get a new raft?
Phhssssssssss.....
It's funny. I've always heard that when you're drowning that you feel warm and cosey, but I can say that that's not so. I feel cold and stiffled. No, wait, I just urinated. Say, that is better.
Phhssssssssss.....

 

by mmyers
9-26-03
Darby's Journal: Somehow I made it back to the island and my sweet Sedimentary. I regailed her with stories of my brush with civilization.
And then Ramona bent over and you could see that she was wearing a thong...why is your eye twitching like that?
Meanwhile back in civilization...
Um, I don't think it's good for us to be in the stock room alone together, Ramona.
Nonsense. We're just having a conversation. Oop, I dropped my pen, I better bend over and pick it up...hey, what's that loud noise?
Later...
So explain it one more time for me.
OK, we were talking and then all these rocks crashed through the roof and one of them had a letter on it that said, "Stay away from my man, bitch. S."

 

by mmyers
9-27-03
In my teens...
Woo-hoo! Nice ass!
In my twenties...
Woo-hoo! Nice body!
In my thirties...
Woo-hoo! Nice dog! What is that, a chocolate lab mix?

 

by mmyers
9-27-03
I just found a shirt from a stripclub in the laundry! Did you go to a stripclub last night and lie about it?
I did, but technically the lying is as much your fault as it is mine.
How the hell can you think that?
Because it takes two people to lie, Michelle, one to tell the lie and one to believe it, but don't worry, I forgive you.
And did that work?
Well, it worked in the way that I met your mom at the stripclub and she gave me a couch to sleep on after Michelle kicked me out. The rest is history.

 

by mmyers
9-29-03
So, Doctor, is Harold going to be allright?
Hard to say, but I think if we can get him on a high protein diet and plenty of exercise and lots of bananas, he should grow into a fine chimp with a great coat.
He's my husband, you jack ass. How do we get my husband back to being a human being?
Oh...I'll have to run more tests. Say, you wouldn't be interested in the Chimp Science Diet food for him would you? Because as he gets older, he'll need a food that meets his emerging needs.

 

by mmyers
9-29-03
It's imperative I break out of this institution, find out who killed my brother and give restitution. I'll use my one talent I have to do it: skateboarding should help, I'll ollie right through it.
No way, Christian Slater...or are you Jack Nicholson? I need new glasses, I'm in such a pickle, son. Anyway, you'll never ever escape this place, so get that squinty look off of your face.
Sorry Nurse Rashad, but I didn't ask for your permission, I'm using my Lance Mountain skateboard and my jams are by Vision.
Well, you never could escape, you're brain is too dense; you're a psychotic skateboarder and that wouldn't make sense.
It probably won't make sense by the end of the situation, but it will all be explained by skate tricks and a series of unlikely explanations.
Talk hard, Harry!

 

by mmyers
9-30-03
SÃ¥ jeg sier til dem, "De rotorTurbiner ikke drar generere gravitons alene!" ROFL OMFG! :P LOL
*Smell*
Det ser ut som De maskinskriver et brev. Vil De som hjelp? *FÃ¥r hjelp med brev *Akkurat maskinskriver brevet *Kansellerer
*Kansellerer*
De beklage denne dag, cowboy! Eines tages trenge De min hjelp som består et brev. ..OOONNNEEE DDDAAAYYYY!

 

by mmyers
9-30-03
Osa I aysa ota emha "Hoseta otorra urbinesta in'ta onnga eneratega ravitonsga yba hemselvesta!" OFLRA MFGOA! P:A OLLA
*Oppa*
Tia ooksla ikela ou'reya ypingta a etterla. Ouldwa ouya ikela elpha? *Etga elpha ithwa etterla *Ustja ypeta heta etterla *Ancelca
*Ancelca*
Hatwa heta uckfa reaa ouya alkingta boutaa?

Showing page 7.

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