All comics by Matchbook_Romance

Profile

 

Hey Jesus, I got a joke for you!
Oh cool, lemme have it!
Why don't Filipinos carry around salt?
Uhmm... I dunno?!
Because it's asin!
Whaa?

 

Hey man, are you feeling better?
No, I haven't talked to her in two weeks. I'm going insane! What the hell do I do?
Well, did you want to come in and talk for awhile?
That sounds good but could you... I mean, can you...
NO, I will not hold you while you cry on my shoulder.
Dammit.

 

Wait, how did you two break up anyways?
It's a long and complicated story.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH... YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME... BLAH BLAH BLAH... ARE YOU LISTENING? BLAH BLAH...
Blah?
Well...?
Like I said, long and complicated.

 

Enough of the past, let's think of a way to get her back.
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
Is there anything that she particularly loves? Anything that makes her heart melt?
Yes, she loves cheesy, romantic Hallmark cards.
Really? Let's go out and buy one then.
No, it's alright. I've got a whole bunch in my pocket for situations like these.

 

So okay, I have a card for her, now what do I put on it?
Err... how should I know?
Aren't you supposed to help me?!
How about you say something along the lines of- "I'm sorry, I miss you, I need you in my life" That kind of stuff, you know?
How about this- "I'm really, really sorry, I miss you so much, and I need you in my life."
Sounds good to me.

 

...and buy her a gift too. You know, to butter her up.
Okay, that sounds good.
Don't be nervous at all. I'm sure she'll want you back the minute she sees you again.
Me nervous? I'm not nervous at all!
Four hours later...
Why are you still standing outside my house?
Me nervous? I'm not nervous at all!

 

Hey Manny! What's a person like you doing at Sportmart?
I'm buying a soccerball, and what do you mean by a person like me?
Oh, I just don't see you as a sporty person, like myself.
Well, what are you buying then?
It's a Sportmart! I'm buying sports! DUH!

 

DUDE, that test was a killer!
YEAH!
THOSE questions were so hard! I know I failed! How about you?
NOT me! I got all twenty of those questions right!
DUDE, the test was only fifteen questions long. How did you answer twenty?
Well shit, I guess I must have failed then.

 

After that job, I'm never going into the food business again.
So where do you think on planning to go to work?
I don't know.
Why don't you look in the paper?
Hey look! Help wanted at a bagel shop! Sounds good to me.
I'll be getting something Taco Bell, want anything?

 

Are you really applying to that bagel shop?
Yeah, it seems like a cool place to work.
I thought you said you didn't want to work in fast-food anymore.
It isn't fast-food!
What's the difference between working in fast-food and the bagel business?
Err... it's slower?

 

Three whole hours of washing dishes non-stop.
Err... hey, am I going to be washing dishes all day?
Why of course not son!
Alright, what should I do now then?
Do you see that broom over there?

 

So how did your date with Philis go last night?
Well...
And this is why I always have my shield near my crotch. Would you like a closer look?
I guess you really put the choad in the warrior.
Yep.

 

Uhh... hello?
Hey.
Hello Jeffrey, I was wondering if you can come in today since we're short one person.
I'm sorry but I can't. I'm not feeling very well. I have a huge cold and a hacking cough.
It's okay! You won't have to worry about customers, you'll just be baking bagels today.
Let me get my coat.

 

Here's your blueberry bagel with butter ma'am.
Can you put just a little more butter please?
How's that for you?
Just a little bit more.
Ma'am, I've used half the tub of butter.
Just a little bit more.

 

What would you like today sir?
I want one cold poppy seed bagel in a bag.
Okay, here you go.
Excuse me, this bagel isn't cold enough.
Sorry, we usually don't keep cold bagels around.
Don't you guys use ice when you bake your bagels?

 

Slow day today eh?
Yeah, I'm bored out of my mind.
No customers, the floor is swept, and the dishes are cleaned.
Yep.
So what now?
Want to see how many bagels we can fit around our dicks?

 

Hello sir, can I help you with something?
I come from old country. I want to eat food here. What that over there?
This is a poppy seed bagel. It has poppy seeds.
Poppy seeds? What that? Candy fruit?
No, no. It is a seed we use for our this certain type of bagel.
Bagel? What bagel?

 

So you're looking for something Atkin's friendly?
Well, of course! Look at this body! I need to keep this thing in shape! Give me one of your turkey wraps!
Alright, here's your wrap ma'am. Would you like anything else that's Atkin's friendly?
Hmmm, yes!
That would be...?
Two dozen plain bagels please.

 

Nice San Diego jersey but don't you think they've been doing bad lately?
Yes, true but...
I mean you probably know more than me but, I've been rooting for San Diego for the longest time and I have come to the conclusion that they suck.
Yes, I actually play for...
Oh. You're on a football team? Who do you play for? SDSU? UCLA?
Nope, the San Diego Chargers.

 

And your total comes to $59.23.
Err... alright.
Yeah, so it cost about $60.00.
It's a nice haircut, but WHY THE HELL DID IT COST SO MUCH?!
Well after the haircut, I got a new citric shampoo, conditioner, two different types of styling gel, and this brush that takes away tangles.
Oh, makes sense.

 

Damn, look at that girl, she's so hot.
Look at the curves on that body.
You have to agree with me, she's smoking hot. Can't say a bad thing about her can you?
You are right. She's really hot. But she isn't your type. She has twenty, twenty vision.

 

It scares me sometimes when I call and one of your parents pick up.
Why?
I'm shy around parents. I feel like I'm going to be interogated by them. So if you don't want to talk to me on the phone, just have your mom or dad pick it up. I'll hang up before they say hello.
That's odd.
*Ring ring*
He..
*Click*

 

Man, this underground night club is awesome!
Sure is.
I just scored two numbers!
Oh wow, I guess the ladies are digging you tonight.
Hell yeah! And if I play my cards right, I might get the other five!
I'll be waiting in the bathroom, someone is going to need to hold your hair back when you're puking.

 

Hello sir, how may I help you?
Hmm, I would like a seasame seed bagel.
Would you like to add anything to that bagel? Like cream cheese?
Sure, why not. Can you add some bacon as well?
Alright, but I didn't know police officers were cannibals.
What?

 

Are you still deciding on what you want sir?
Yeah, give me just one second.
Four minutes later.
May I suggest something?
No, no wait. I've almost decided.
Sir, you're holding up the line. If you go down the road, you'll see a donut shop. Maybe you can buy something there.
How many blocks away?

 

May I help you sir?
Umm...
Yes, sir? May I suggest...
Excuse me, I'm a woman, not a man. Can't you tell by my face?
Sorry, I was too fixated on your massive unibrow.
I'm not the Unibomber!

 

Can I help you with something ma'am?
Excuse me, sir.
Yes?
Can't you tell I'm a man? Does it look like I have tits?
Well, kind of. Either you have tits, or you just stuffed a bunch of bagels under your shirt to steal.
My, look at the time.

 

Hello, what can I get for you today ma'am?
Hehe, like hello! I would like buy a blueberry bagel with lots of cream cheese. Take your time, my boyfriend and I will be in the bathroom.
Sure...
Ten minutes later.
Did you want me to take off some cream cheese from your bagel? It looks like you have enough around your mouth and chin.
Huh?

 

Hello ma'am. What can I get for you today?
I would like an onion bagel with onion and chive cream cheese. I'm going next door to buy some groceries, but my husband will be here to take the bagel.
Okay.
Can I help you ma'am?
No, I'm here to pick up an onion bagel with onion and chive cream cheese.

 

Hello, how can I attend to your bagel needs?
Can I have your Herb Turkey Sandwich?
Sure, and would you like everything that comes on that?
Yes. But can you go easy on the cream cheese, onions, and tomatoes?
Sounds... easy.
Are you saying I'm easy?!

 

Hello, how can I attend to your bagel needs?
Yeah, can I have one of your Herb Turkey Sandwiches?
Sure, did you want everything that comes with it?
Yeah, but can you go really easy on the onions, tomatoes, turkey, and cream chease?
Sure, sounds really easy.
Yeah easy, just like me!

 

I really hate it when people stereotype Pirates.
Yes, we scour the seven seas, look for buried treasure, take over ships, and wear eyes patches but we're so much more than that. So much more.
Arrr, swab the poop deck or ye be walking the plank.
Sure thing.

 

Hey, where have you been?
I've been around. You're just in time!
In time for what?
I'm awake, aware, fresh, and I feel like a new man!
Why do you all of a sudden feel like a new man?
I finally got around to changing my boxers after two weeks.

 

Is there something wrong with Stripcreator?
What do you mean?
I can't really put my wing on it, but i it feels like there's something terribly wrong.
Terribly wrong eh? Are you referring to the distinct lack of actual funny new comers?
Hmmm... yeah, that's it.
Give me a second, I'll go make another Stripcreator account.

 

Honey, are you ready to watch The Grudge and Saw today?
Yes, I am!
You're lucky you have a boyfriend that will hold you and console you at the scary parts of the movie.
That's true. You're even luckier you have a girlfriend that has an extra pair of boxers in her bag just in case you wet your pants at the scary parts of the movie.
Awww, I love you.

 
Good thing I'm not a turkey because the way you're looking at me leads me to believe you're looking for something to stuff.

 

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Hello ma'am, how may I help you?
Yes, can I have...
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Will someone please shut that baby up?
Excuse me sir, that's MY BABY you're referring too. How rude of you!
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Fine then, I'm sorry. Will someone please shut this lady up?

 

So your total comes to $4.29. By the way, how old are you?
I'm only nine.
Wow, that's pretty young. So is your Mother pretty young too?
Yes! She's really young!
I'm assuming you were probably an accident.
Accident in my shorts?

 

How may I help you sir?
Can I just have one blueberry bagel in a bag?
Sir, do you realize that you waited in line for almost twenty-five minutes just for one bagel?
Yes, I do.
Don't you have a life? Like life outside of this bagel place?
Life? What life?

 

Is this sandwich to your liking ma'am?
May I suggest you add more onions and lettuce?
Okay, how about that?
May I suggest some more mayonaise? And may I also suggest more mustard?
May I suggest a "shut the fuck up?"
Okay, but is that going to cost extra?

 

How are the customers out there?
Man, I just saw the ugliest CUSTOMER ever in my history of working here.
Oh?
Yeah. She had a huge ass, bird nest hair, uneven lips, and one of her eyes were saggy and lazy. She was wearing this ugly blue sweater too.
Blue sweater? Hey wait, that was my mom you're talking about!
Sorry, I saw the ugliest MOTHER ever in my history of working here.

 

Where did this snowman come from?
That carrot is bigger than my dick.
Did I just say that outloud?
Yes.

 

I'm so bored.
...
Is my computer even plugged?

 

Next time, do you want me to put my dick on a hot dog bun for you to eat?
No!
Haha, why not?
"I don't need to take in more carbs."

 

Son, you are now twenty years old.
Yeah, Dad.
How are you doing in school? Are you almost done?
I'm doing fine in school. I've figured out what my major is and I'll be done maybe in a couple of years if things go right.
YES! There's still time to persuade him into joining the Navy.
Well, see you around Dad.

 

Are you ready for our "DATE?"
Of course I am! Pick me up now!
Nine hours later.
We just spent the whole day stuck in your house having ungodly amounts of sex, only to rest for a brief moment for nourishment. What do you call that?
A "REAL" date!

 

Some of you may be watching the Super Bowl.
I'm not.
So like...
How about them Cowboy Physics?

 

Last night.
... ughhh...
I'm sorry did I wake you up?
... yeah... I'm so... so sleepy. I'm too tired to talk tonight. We'll talk tomorrow okay? Bye! *Click*
I.. uhh.. bye?
This morning.
Honey! I was waiting all last night, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!
... ughhh...

 

HEY! I have 666 posts!
Really?
Yeah, that's like, you know! Err... like, it means something. Oh yeah! If you're playing poker, it's a three of a kind! WOW! THIS IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE!
Yeah!
A coincidence huh?

 

Hey.
Hey. I never noticed, you're asian right?
Actually, I'm filipino.
That's asian, right?

Showing page 8.

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