All comics by mmyers

Profile

 

by mmyers
10-01-03
So...here I am...the 1st chimp on the moon in the year 2025. Waitaminute, this isn't the moon...it's Earth. You fucking morons! YOU BLEW IT UP! YOU BLEW...no wait, there's a fast food restaurant.
Welcome to Kajun Burger, in the year 2025. Have a Kajun Burger on the 'ouse.
Oh, Kajun, how cruel Father Time has been to your once bashful good looks. *munch**munch* You fucking moron! YOU MADE IT OUT OF HAGUS! YOU MADE IT OUT OF HAGUS!
Actually, it's people, it's made from people.
AH, I guess it's not soo bad.

 

by mmyers
10-02-03
I just read that R Kelly had a video of himself peeing on someone.
It just made me think, it sounds like a heckuva mess. Where do normal people go in the house to pee on each other?
Is this your way of subtling bringing up the idea of peeing on me? Like by introducing into conversation and gauging my reaction?

 

by mmyers
10-02-03

 

by mmyers
10-02-03
Hi, I'm Todd Mableton...
And I'm Tammy Freeman, and this is Kid's News, all the latst news and events at Taber Jr High, on the school network.
This just in, Greg Walcott is a douche.
Film at 11.

 

by mmyers
10-02-03
*woof*
Chester, it's me Harold, your owner. I've been changed into a monkey, but it's no big deal.
That's a good boy, yes, run along and play, boy. Look at Chester run and play. He's a good boy, look at him lick...say, you can lick yourself down there? Is that legal? I wonder...
Harold, dinner's ready. I...ohmygod, Harold! I can't believe you're cheating on me...with yourself.

 

by mmyers
10-02-03
Heeeyyyyyyy.
Heeeyyyyyyyyy.
Well...shit.

 

by mmyers
10-02-03
Hey, Maynard, all of the *ahem* stuff didn't go down in the flush. Can't you do something about that?
Look at 'em all swirlin' around in there, it's like a little poop parade.
Maynard.
Allright, allright. I just got some new stuff that I can try out on it.
*FOOSH*
Hark, 'tis I, the Toilet Wizard®, brought to you from the makers of Toilet Duck®!
Man, I hate it when companies get a new spokesperson. Now this guy is going to be hanging out in here for weeks.

 

by mmyers
10-02-03
Take me to your leader.
No bitch.
You know what? I thought you said 'Takatomi is the world wide leader in account receivables management' and I was going to strongly disagree. My mistake. Right this way.

 

by mmyers
10-03-03
Next up, we have Sparkles. And what kind of dog are you, Sparkles?
Well, sir, I am...
An American Dog.
So, you're a mutt, right?
Well, my mom was a collie mix and my dad was a terrier with a little chow in him and...yes, I'm a mutt.

 

by mmyers
10-03-03
At the club...
Damn girl, you're hot as shit! I wanna take you home and get freaky with you!
Are you sure you're man enough? Maybe we should go back to your place and find out!
Yeah girl, you better stop and get throat lozenges because you are going to be screaming my name, yo!
Well, you better spray non-stick Pam on your sheets because I'm going to ride you raw!
Then you get home just in time to sober up.
Did you always have freckles? Because I'm not so 'into' the freckle look.
Well...this is awkward. Um, where's your bathroom at?

 

by mmyers
10-03-03
Harold's psychiatrist
Nice to meet you, Doctor Stillwell. I'm Harold Peterman.
Please, call me Gary. So, Harold, your wife says that you're going through a change, a change in life, let's say. I'd like to play a game with you, Harold, do you like games?
Sure, knock yourself out.
Hi, I'm Harold's inner child. I'm a scared little boy and I'm acting out to get attention. I want people to notice me and think I'm a chimp. Wont you talk to me?
Hi, I'm Doctor Gary. I think it's fucking highway robbery that I get paid $500 an hour to play with puppets. I got my diploma from the back of the Enquirer.
Could you give me my sock back, please Mr. Peterman?

 

by mmyers
10-03-03
And if you're at a drive-thru and you're eating something while you place your order, you might just be a fat ass.
Uncle Tom!
Hey fuck you, buddy. It takes a lot of gas to make this engine go and I don't see you footing the bill. I got grocery bills to pay.

 

by mmyers
10-06-03
Hello? I'm trying to find my mentor. He was supposed to meet me here. I believe his name was Stinky Pete.
Woe, daddy-o, nobody said nothing about animal cruelty, dig me pigmi?
No. What the hell are you talking about?
Your digs, dig? Wearing wool ain't cool, follow?
But...I'm a sheep. I'm made of wool.
No, daddy-o, that's what 'they' want you to think. Like "I'm my car, or my job, or my house, and these are the things that make me me" but that's jive, man. We are what we make ourselves.

 

by mmyers
10-06-03
I'm a sheep, see? I'm a sheep and I'm made of wool.
That's the thing, man, they want us all to be sheep, but you need to cast off your shackles, brother, and be free.
Is there someone else around that I can talk to?

 

by mmyers
10-06-03
Wha..where am I?
Why yer in the place where Val-kie-rees go when they die, The Valhalla Saloon and Eatery, a subsidiary of TGI Fridays.
What am I supposed to do here?
Well, usually one person says something about rotor turbines and gravitons and such and the other says 'What the fuck are you talking about?' That's pretty much it.
What?
Look, little missy, eternity is gonna feel like a mighty long time if you can't get the hang of this. Ok, I'll start. "Them rotor turbines...

 

by mmyers
10-07-03
Hi everybody, it's me, the big cheese, the head honcho, your old pal, Sr Vice President in Charge of Productivity, Russ Gnubaum.
I called this emergency weekly meeting of the company to tell you about a new plan we're implementing, something that will save us all time...
It will make us more efficient, no longer wasting time, instead focusing it. We've noticed huge gaps in productivity during the day, once a week, usually around this time of day...

 

by mmyers
10-07-03
The first step we're implementing is that instead of dialing a '9' to get an outside line we will now be dialing a '4'.
Um...how is that supposed to help us be more productive?
Now, instead of people accidently dialing 911 at least once a day and the Po-Po responding, we will no longer have to deal with that.
Won't people be dialing information, 411, instead now?
Yes. Also, we have signed a contract with a new phone company, so to dial 911 from now on, you'll need to dial a 4, 10-10-321, the area code of the city you are in, then 911.
Free for you, cheap for them!

 

by mmyers
10-07-03
Lastly, we are implementing a new policy where we will need you to document every task that you perform during the day. Everytime you do something, you'll need to write it down.
How is this helping us be more productive?
Well, now we'll know everything you're doing, so we are hoping that this will scare you into being productive.
Man, this sucks. We're going to spend all of our time writing stuff down. This is shitty.
Here's the best part of it...we call it...THE MATRIX!
THE MATRIX! Cool! Fuckin' A, this is going to be fun!

 

by mmyers
10-07-03
Hey hey! Check this guy out! Eating on the job? There must be a glitch in THE MATRIX! Hahaha!
Oh man, good one, Russ. Wooo. *sigh*
Haha, you know it, and please, call me MR. Gnubaum, I insist. Haha, now back to work, fat ass, back to...THE MATRIX!
Wow, man, rock on. I'm going to THE MATRIX.
Don't you think this is kind of lame? Playing on the popularity of a film by referring to some lame ass office policy by the movie name?
You know what you need?...A code name. Codenames have been known to increase office productivity by 7%. I'll call you Neo. What do you think of that, NEO?

 

by mmyers
10-08-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright.
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Because he was tossed! Get it? Doesn't that sound like fun, getting tossed across a road like that? Sure beats having to walk across the road, don't ya think? Boy am I drunk!
I don't like where this is going.

 

by mmyers
10-08-03
Hey! My main man NEO! What are you doing, NEO?
I'm making copies, Mr. Gnubaum, and could you please stop calling me Neo?
Son, I know what you're going through. It's like in that one movie, The Matrix, where Canoe Reeves isn't sure if he's the chosen one so he doubts himself.
Sir, have you just recently watched The Matrix for the first time? Because you seem to be referencing it a great deal.
I've seen the first 30 or 40 minutes of it, yes, but I keep falling asleep when he goes to talk to that old black woman. Actually it's my daughter's DVD, but it's in the player so I watch it.
My advice to you is to rent GlennGary-GlennRoss.

 

by mmyers
10-08-03
Hey Filing Cler...oop, I mean NEO. Hey NEO, you want half of my pizza slice? It has black olives on it and you like black olives. Always pays to have the 'chosen one' on your side, knowwhatImean?
Ricky, don't tell me that you're taking part in this mess. I'm not 'Neo', I'm not the 'chosen one', and no thank you on the halfing a pizza slice.
Actually, Neo, my code name is 'Hot Wheels'. And you are the chosen one. I've seen that movie 32 times, and Neo is the chosen one and Mr Gnubaum called you Neo. Thus, you're the one. Pizza? Sure?
No thank you on the pizza, and please, Hot Wheels, stop spreading this garbage about the 'chosen one.'
Hey Martin, wait up! You want to half my slice of my pizza with me? The 'chosen one' shot me down.

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
What ho, dweller of Middle Earth! 'Twould seem I do need to speak words with you.
Man, I don't have time for this. I'm on my way to work. I don't even know you, dude.
'Lo, I am Imax the Wanderer, a half-elf from Underdark, and thou didst sit on my favorite seat at the McDonald's on 8th street. For that, we must battle!
Man, I've got ten minutes to get uptown. Fuck off.
What ho! Hold that cab so that we can ride together and split the fee. I don't get my allowance until Thursday!

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
So as you can see, ladies and gentlemen of the board, if we focus on our steady clients instead of new ventures, we will see higher yields over a 5 year span.
Excellent presentation, Neal. So it is a gradual increase instead of an immediate...
*pant pant* What ho! Thou didst try to lose me in your labrynthian maze, but like the minotaur you are, I have found you. Prepare to be vanquished, minotaur.
Man, that ain't no damn maze, it's office cubes, and I ain't no damn minotaur, I'm the guy who's going to call security.
Call your demons, I shall vanquish them! But first, we shall battle. Now I'm +2 when using a rapier, so I think we should battle with rapiers. Also, I'm 2d4 on damage with it, so watch out!
Man, I'm +size 11 and 1/2 to put my foot dead in your ass.

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
Then what happened, baby?
I was about to put my foot in his D-and-D playing cracker ass, but then security pulled me off of him. Ruined my whole damn presentation.
What ho! Get thee behind me, fair maiden! I shall defend thee from this monster! 'Lo, I am in your innersanctum, Neal the minotaur.
Look man, you need to get the hell out of my house before someone gets hurt.
We shall battle tonight, Neal the minotaur. Now, I have my bag of dice with me, one 20 sided, two 10 sided, two 5 sided, and the dreaded 100 sided. Choose your weapon.
I'm going to get the water hose.

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
Nice shot, hitting him with that frying pan like that. I'll call the cops.
Boy, white people really are as goofy as the comedians say.
Thanks for picking him up, officer. We really appreciate it.
Yup. Fucking kids and their role playing games. I gotta role playing game for 'em, it's called an 8 year hitch in the ARMY. Role play that!
Man, I'm glad that's over. Let's eat dinner.
I was thinking about making...oh no! Neal, WATCH OUT!

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
Looks like he slipped on this 100 sided dice. I'm afraid he's dead.
Neal, my poor, poor Neal.
The actual word would be 'die', the plural would be 'dice'. What can I say, I'm an asshole about word tenses.
Several days later at McDonalds...
So then Neal the minotaur was vanquished and the demon knights released me with a warning.
Excellent, my little pet. You receive 1000 experience points. Next we need to set our sites on the evil King of California. Mwa-ha-ha!

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
Hey wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright.
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Because he needed to take a SHORT cut. Hahaha!
Yes, of course. A joke about my lack of stature. Most amusing.

 

by mmyers
10-09-03
Neo, you must believe that you are the Chosen One. It has been prophesized.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Morpheus, from the IT department. I've come over on my lunch break to prove to you that you are the Chosen, Neo.
How are you going to do that?
I want you to pick up that red phone over on Janet's desk. Don't worry, Neo, you have nothing to fear, you are the Chosen... and Janet is on break as well.
If you say so.

 

by mmyers
10-10-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright.
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
To go to the hotel and use the MINI-BAR. Get it? MINI-bar! Whoot! *rubs tear from eye*
Nice one. I got one. Why did the clown say "Ohmygod, this dwarf is crazy and is plunging a knife into my gut! Dear God the Pain!"? This is a good one. I'll give you a sec to think on it.

 

by mmyers
10-10-03
Pick up the phone, Neo, and dial an outside line, but use a '9' to get an outside line.
But the number for getting an outside line was changed to '4'. You know what? Nevermind. I'll dial someone up and I'll use a '9' and then maybe you'll all see I'm not 'chosen'.
Great Little Caeser's Ghost! It's ringing. He used the '9' to dial out and it's ringing! He is the Chosen One! All hail NEO!
*cue inspirational Transformers the movie music* You've got the power! You've got the touch!
Oh man, I feel just like Hot Rod!

 

by mmyers
10-13-03
Hi, I'm Jim Sincere with Action News 7 interviews with a dog on the street. Excuse me sir, but what are your thoughts on the Kobe Bryant scandle?
Ruff!
I see, and your thoughts on the on going search for WMDs in Iraq?
Ruff! Ruff!
Yes, of course, and your thoughts on Arnold Schwarzenegger's win in the California Governor's election?
Ru...wait...what did you just say?

 

by mmyers
10-13-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later...
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
Later...
No, what I wished for was a small 'Ferry' with two big 'Trips'.
Well make yourself clear next time. Sheesh.

 

by mmyers
10-13-03
Hey
Wanna go see a movie this weekend?
Note to self: The next foreign exchange student I get will speak English.
Que?

 

by mmyers
10-14-03
Hey! You cut your hair. I liked it better when it was shaggy.
Yep. I got a hair cut, Charlotte.
Yeah, the shaggy look was much better and now that it's shaved, it just doesn't look the same. It's hard for me to look at you now. I think I might be sick. You're dead to me.
Who knew my haircut was so important?

 

by mmyers
10-14-03
Little mouse, what are your thoughts about Bush and the CIA scandal, the Kobe Bryant Case, and the recent blackout?
Bush leaked it, Kobe freaked it, they blinked it.
And the sexual allegations against Arnold Schwarzenegger, the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and the impending World Series between the Cubs and the Red Sox?
Arnold tweaked it, Iraq sneaked it, the fans piqued it.
And the... *sniff*sniff*... did someone just fart?
I squeeked it.

 

by mmyers
10-15-03
Oh my gosh, I totally forgot why I came into this room! Hahahahahaha! Oh my, these things happen as you get older! Hahahahaha!
Hope you're laughing with instead of at me, Filing Clerk! Hahahahahaha! Have a splendid day! Hahahahaha!
Tick, tick, tick, tick...

 

by mmyers
10-15-03
Let freedom ring! No longer shall we have to write down every single menial task we perform. I'm going to break down the Job Matrix, piece by piece.
Huzzah!
Not so fast, Mr. Filing Clerk. It seems your non-conformity has forced me to revert to my true form. Behold!
???
*gasp* Freddy Mercury!

 

by mmyers
10-15-03
Hello. I'm Ken Martini and this is Mysteries of the Vague and Unknowable. Tonight we witness a young man's attempt to make dinner plans which leads him to the vague and unknowable.
So where do you want to eat tonight?
Oh, I'm up for anything. I like it all.
How about Mexican? Or Italian?
Ooh, not Mexican. It's too spicy. And I don't like Italian because it's too rich, but anything else is good.
A man, a hunger, and a collection of vague answers. Two people find themselves in the drive-thru of the Vague and Unknowable.

 

by mmyers
10-15-03
Welcome back.Tonight, a woman attempts to get to know a man at a club better but soon realizes that he is Vague... and Unknowable.
So what do you do for a living?
Ah, this and that. I'm sort of a freelancer, you know, contract work mostly. I'm in computers.
Are you married?
Well, I'm sort of seeing someone, but it's not very serious. We're splitting up soon, not that we're really even together.

 

by mmyers
10-16-03
If I am elected your President, I will make sure that our large defiect will be dwindled, that our children come first, no more tolerance for crime...
Better medical care, equal treatment for minorities, more jobs, and a better economy. How will I do it? Vote for me and find out!
An honest man? Or perhaps candidate for the Presidency of the Vague...and Unknowable. I'm Ken Martini.

 

by mmyers
10-16-03
I am invading your planet with the intent to enslave your puny human bodies! Why we need slaves is a only a small plot hole.
Do your worst, spaceman! I will fight you to the death! No surrender!
Even as the world collapses around us, I will always love you even though we only met yesterday!
Our love is what will keep us both alive and allow us to rebuild society! Let's have sex before I destroy the aliens!
The plot? Vague. The reason? Unknowable. Yet, people will plink down $8 a pop and make this hackneyed movie #1 at the boxoffice. Why? It is Vague...and Unknowable.

 

by mmyers
10-16-03
Our X-ray has turned up an abnormal blockage in your heart. We must shrink a med team down and inject them into your body.
This sounds expensive.
The plan is, we zoom in through the intestinal maze, up bladder junction, around old colon gulch, then a void, then the heart.
This is an excessive and expensive procedure, but, hey, we got a quota. Captain look out of the window!
Dear God! A kiwi, a cranberry, and an orange have been lodged into his heart! A Tropicana triple by-pass!
This is truly a cardio-pulminary disaster mother nature never intended.

 

by mmyers
10-16-03
Hey hey, happy bosses day!
Who the hell are you?
I'm Dan Halford, the vice president in charge of marketing and future date resource development and procedure in the southwestern US.
I'm your boss.

 

by mmyers
10-16-03
Oh, VIC-20, we must void the transaction of our love and reboot before my husband the Commodore finds out.
Oh, TRS-80, if you could zoom in 150% on my hard drive, you would see that you fill my memory banks.
VIC, I remember the night that we used Kiwi polish to buff each other until dawn, that weekend in Hawaii, but we must not dwell, we must move on.
I try to reboot my love for you, but all I get is an SQL Error. I can not forget you. My quota for you is unsatiable.
*BOOM!*
Oh, no! VIC! The Commodore must have sabatoged you. NOOOOO!
Ack...unsaved files ...deleting... unauthorized shutdown. TRS, use your ...X-ray scan to find ...the will in..my office. CTRL+ALT+DELETE. Ack.

 

by mmyers
10-17-03
Mr. Butch, I'm having a sleep over this weekend and I was wondering if you could recommend any fun games that we could play.
Hmm, let's see. A game we used to play was that we'd fill up a bowl with urine, then, while a kid was asleep, we'd dip his hand into the bowl.
What good would that do?
I'm not sure. Makes their hand smell like urine, I guess. Actually, childhood was kind of a blur since the day we made up a game called 'Throw the brick at each other.'

 

by mmyers
10-17-03
Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson urging you to boycott chicken hate monger KFC until they agree to more ethical treatment of chickens. KFC slaughters millions of chickens every year.
I'd just like a TV in the rec room, and maybe a ping pong table, you know, to pass the time.
These chickens are treated horribly, kept in small cages and treated inhumanly, before being cooked in the Colonel's 7 original herbes and spices, with your choice of original or extra crispy skin.
Fuck the treatment part, what about the fucking eating lady? I don't think it matters what happens on the way there, I still fucking die.
So please, join me in the fight against KFC until they improve the pre-slaughter conditions of this delicious and stupid bird.
Hey Pamela, we both got breast reductions, the difference is that mine is terminal.

 

by mmyers
10-17-03
What? No I'm not Freddy Mercury, I'm Bill Makiavelli, senior VP, and you will succumb to the Office Matrix, you will document all your tasks, Mike.
No, I will not. It's a waste of...wait... what did you just call me?
I called you Mike. That's your name, right?
No. No, no, no. I have worked here 5 years and the least you could fucking do is know my fucking name. It's not Mike, it's not Michael, it's not Mark! It's not Meyers, it's not Myer, it's not Minor!
*BOOM*
I can't believe you dropped the F*Bomb at work. I think we're going to have to put you on a Personal Improvement Plan, mister.
Say my name! Say it! SAY MY REAL NAAAAAMM MMMEEEEEE!

 

by mmyers
10-17-03
Look at this place, it's a mess. I can see you are poweful now, so if you will not succumb to the Office Matrix, then I have one last tool to use against you.
Do your worst.
If I can't rule you through monitoring your menial tasks, I shall...MICRO MANAGE YOU!! Haha! Micromanagement into oblivion!
You sick bastard.
Hey, who are you?
I'm jes, from the IT dept. I was pouring coffee when the whole machine fucking blew it. I heard a fight over here, I'm on break, figured I'd jump in.

 

by mmyers
10-17-03
I see on your menu it says "Vegetable soup." Is that vegetarian friendly?
Yup, it's a vegetable soup. It's made of vegetables.
Yes, but what I'm asking is, is the broth made with beef stock? You know, is it vegetable broth or is it a meat stock?
Um, sure, I guess. yeah, I'm pretty sure it is chicken stock, oop, I mean, vegetable stock.
Look, can you just go into the kitchen and ask if it's meat stock or not?
Sadly, even if he does walk into the kitchen, he probably won't even ask the cook, because that, my friend, wouldn't be Vague... and Unknowable. I'm Ken Martini.

Showing page 8.

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