All comics by russman

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by russman
3-05-17
No one who has gazed upon the magical bowling ball tree has ever survived.
A wall of unknown origin and the ashes of an unidentified Male were found on an unchartered desert island. The wall had one word scrawled on it. "Gilligan" Scientists have no idea what it means.
Russ who is sick and tired of writing about his lack of sex and living with his Mother, pushes the random button. Hilarity does not ensue.

 

by russman
3-07-17
Time to get up Sleepy Head. You don't want to be late for work.
I won't be late.
You're going to be late the news is almost done.
I won't be late. Cause I'm not going.
My God, I'm not going through your junior high years again.
There's a mean girl at work and my tummy hurts, so I guess you are.

 

by russman
3-07-17
You don't look sick. I can't believe you didn't go to work.
C'mon you're glad I'm home. I'll run up to McDonald's and get you a sausage biscuit.
I do like their biscuits. But I'm not calling you off or writing you a note.
I already called. I don't need a note. You've already done enough.
What did I do?
You had a mild heart attack, I should be able to bring you home this weekend.

 

by russman
3-08-17
And don't come back.

 

by russman
3-09-17
The boss asked about you today.
I hope you told him I was fine.
Well, I was going to....but...tomorrow is Friday.
What did you tell him?
Nothing yet. I'm thinking either they release you in the morning and I have to come pick you up. Or you take a turn for the worse and I have to rush to the hospital.
I swear to God if you tell him I died, I'm throwing you out of the house.

 

by russman
3-10-17
Dude, it's about time you decided to get out and have some fun.
I was, but then I decided to hang out with you instead.
Very funny. Let's do a shot and wait for the girls to come.
What girls? You've got girls coming? Things are looking up.
Yeah, the Archibald sisters hang out here. I've been fooling around with the younger one.
The younger one? Those hags were pushing 50 when I moved away 15 years ago... I think my friend we are going to need many many shots.

 

by russman
3-11-17
In the epic battle of good vs. evil, lines must be drawn.
Swirly colorful lines that seem to never begin or end.
Lines that can sometimes become a distraction for good but seem to have the opposite affect on evil.
I gotta stop eating those Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burritos before battling good.

 

by russman
3-12-17
I'm Back. Did you miss me?
I'm glad you had a good time with your friend. What did you boys end up doing?
I spent the night with that Archibald girl. Remember, we knew her years ago?
Remember her? I went to school with her older sister.
Funny thing, that's the one I was with. Now to be fair she told me she was a few years behind you.
Three and if I remember right. She was held back at least once.

 

by russman
3-13-17
The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.
What are you talking about? I thought we were gonna play dolls.
I didn't come here to play dolls.
Mom says we can make S'Mores later.
And for the first time in her life, Holly slept with one eye open.
Foiled by the marshmellowy goodness.
My dolls don't have any heads.

 

by russman
3-14-17
What the hell was that?
Just visiting with your new girlfriend.
Hell no. She's not my girlfriend and she's not that damn old. This has gone too far.
You do realize this is all just you, right?

 

by russman
3-15-17
C'mon Dude. Feed Me.
What do you want? I got no food.
So what are we doing here?
Russ is pissed because we made fun of his new girl friend.
That doesn't make any sense. He writes this shit.
Shut up. Do you want him to go back to just writing gay jokes again?

 

by russman
3-16-17
I remember when I was young. I used to either take vacation or call off to watch March Madness.
I just don't follow college basketball that closely anymore.
Oh I still called off but now basketball is just the excuse.

 

by russman
3-17-17
Day 2 of the Tournament, plus St. Patty's Day. No way I'm going to work. But it's payday and I need my check. This will take all my skill to pull off.
Glad you could make it, your check is on your desk.
Thanks. I'm ready to smile and dial.
15 minutes later.
Hey Wayne. Russ just called and said he was still sick. He'll try to come in Monday.
What? He was just here.

 

by russman
3-18-17
What are you looking at?
Would..Would you like some of my ice cream?
You're disgusting. I wouldn't take anything from you,
Nobody wants to eat my ice cream.
It took years but Butch finally figured out the the right prop to maximize ice cream sales.
What are you looking at?
Would..Would you like some of my ice cream?

 

by russman
3-19-17
What are you looking so sad about?
Another one of the singers I grew up with died.
Chuck Berry, right? I remember you singing his song to me when you put me to bed.
I don't remember that.
Remember. "My Ding-A-Ling everybody sing."
"You must be playing with your own ding-a-ling." You know that was just a song I didn't mean for it to become your motto.

 

by russman
3-20-17
When I got to work today. The boss let me know he was not pleased with the way I called off Friday.
So he suspended me for three days and said I would be terminated if I miss any more work in the next three months.
I honestly don't know if that is a punishment or a reward.
It's like I got caught stealing a Snickers bar at the drug store.
And they give me three more and tell me if I do it again they'll give me the whole box.
The worst thing is I've got about two hours to kill until the bars open.

 

by russman
3-21-17
This could best be described as a strange or an unusual almost random situation.
3
Hey I'm talking to you. Wouldn't you agree this is unusual or at least random.
2
I think I'm having a heart attack.
1...Nope all perfectly normal. Nothing random here. Let's go Big Boy.

 

by russman
3-22-17
One of the worst things about living here is we only have a bathtub. I miss having a shower.
There's nothing worse than soaking in a tub filled with your own filth and urine.
I mean filth I don't know where that other stuff came from.

 

by russman
3-23-17
My Mom went to spend a few days with my sister. She keeps texting me about the house and cats.
Her last text asked me if I was doing OK with the litter box. I told her I gave it a try but I would stick with the toilet.
That got an LOL out of her. I'll clean it when she texts me and says she's on her way home. It should smell bad enough by then that I'll be able to find it.

 

by russman
3-24-17
Today it will be partly Cloudy with a chance of ouch! I mean rain.
Tomorrow sunrise at 7:20 sunset at Shit! I'm done with this.
I don't care if it is his last day get him out from behind the green screen.
In other news somebody can't take a joke.

 

by russman
3-25-17
Does it seem wrong to you that our president is actually rooting for our healthcare system to fail just so he can be proven right?
C'mon Dude. American first.
What does that even mean? The republicans have had seven years to come up with a replacement plan and haven't been able to.
Wow, that is something to think about.
I'm just screwing with you. Let's get drunk.
I think you already are.

 

by russman
3-26-17
Remember when we were kids watching Christmas shows. Why don't they ever show Santa Claus is Coming to Town anymore.
I remember that one. Your right they don't show it anymore.
I think it's because of that one song Santa sings to the kids.
If you sit on my lap today a kiss a toy is the price you pay.
That is kinda creepy.
I guess it would depend on the toy. And what you had to kiss.

 

by russman
3-27-17
You are so lucky to be in the presence of pure genius.
That's me. Livin' the dream.
When the throng arrives your job is to allow them to be close to true beauty but don't let them put their grimy hands on it.
Can you tell me what the picture is supposed to mean.
I could, but it's not something someone with your limitations would be able to understand.
I'm so glad I brought cheese puffs for lunch. I think I'll share them with the throng.

 

by russman
3-28-17
Wow, Daddy. And your the boss of this whole place?
Yes Sweety. What do you want to do.
Can I go out and look at the pee ons.
Sure Honey. But don't call them that. You don't want to hurt their feelings.
Does it hurt your feelings when Daddy pees on you?
Yes, yes it does.

 

by russman
3-29-17
What are you in for?
Eating my Master. What about you?
Beastialitality.
What the hell does that mean.
My human fucked me.
That's why I ate mine.

 

by russman
3-30-17
Unlike some of the more famous of Santa's deer.
Prancer had to work a second job in the off-season.
The red nose is an extra $20.

 

by russman
3-31-17
Mr. Swinson, how can I help you?
I would like to bring a lawsuit against Domino's Pizza for false advertising.
They aren't guaranteeing thirty minute delivery again are they?
Worse. They said If I downloaded their app, I could track my order on my favorite device.
So, you want to sue because the app isn't working on your cellphone?
Mr. Morgan, the cellphone is hardly my favorite device.

 

by russman
4-01-17
I couldn't wait to tell my niece that the trailer for the new It movie was out.
Of course she had already seen it. Said the clown didn't look very scary to her.
I found him to be plenty frightening.

 

by russman
4-02-17
Mock
Yeah
Ing
Yeah
In other news neither James Taylor nor Carly Simon have died yet.
Bird
Yeah

 

by russman
4-04-17
So, I met a girl at work.
She's got kids and my Mom hates her.
Oh yeah, she's also on probation for drugs. This should be an interesting month.

 

by russman
4-04-17
This Could be interesting thought Glenn.
Oh the shame of being unable to perform.
The anger was a rather unpleasant surprise.

 

by russman
4-05-17
I decided it's Ok if you wanna date that slut from work. You deserve some fun I guess.
C'mon Mom, that reverse psychology isn't going to work.
I'm serious have you met her boys yet.
Only one of them and only for a couple of seconds.
Well, what did you say to him.
Get the Hell out of here. I'm trying to fuck your Mom.

 

by russman
4-06-17
My work slut hasn't shown up for a couple of days, so this morning the boss calls me into the office.
Hey Russ, you wouldn't know where Jessica's been this week would you?
Which one is Jessica?
The one who's worked here for three years and never missed a day. A little birdie tells me she's been going out with you.
I don't know. I am kinda curious about this little birdie though.
Just get back to work. You know you're really not that good of a salesman.
Oh, I Know that. Here Birdy Birdy Birdy.

 

by russman
4-07-17
I decided to ask my niece for some advice about my new girlfriend.
What's up Uncle Russ.
I'm a little scared and intimidated by this girl I met.
She's twenty years younger than me. But knows her way around a crazy bitch.
Awesome. What does she want you to do?
Tie her up and choke her.
Besides she's the only one I know who wouldn't tell me to just run.
All right. Daddy issues. You are in for quite a ride.
Teach me, oh wise one.

 

by russman
4-08-17
I love spring time.
Me too. Did your nuts hold up all winter?
What kind of a gay ass question is that?
It's just you do such a good job of storing. My nuts were gone by Christmas.
Are you asking me for my nuts.
Now who's being gay? I mean yes.

 

by russman
4-09-17
So, did you think about what we talked about?
You mean that whole tie you up and choke you thing.
Yeah. Are you into it?
I suppose. You have all the rules and safe words picked out.
God, I can't imagine you being able to come up with anything that I would need a safe word for.
Ah, so the game is afoot.

 

by russman
4-10-17
I was cool with the whole bondage thing. Then she sprung something new on me.
Now she's only 95 percent submissive says she. What does that mean says I.
Help says me, many many times.

 

by russman
4-11-17
Another block, and then we stop for a cup of coffee.
This unit needs no coffee. That is one the reasons I am being trained to take your place.
Just remember I'm the one training you.
This unit needs no training this is just a formality to keep your postal union on board.
I don't even think this will be considered a crime.
Destruction of government property punishable up to one year of confinement.

 

by russman
4-12-17
I just got texted some sexy pics from the new girl.
Let me see... Dude, these are pictures of her giving some guy a blow job.
Yeah, that's hot right?
Did you see they are time stamped from like a half hour ago?
Oh, I mean it's cool, we're not engaged or anything.
I've never met a cuckold before.

 

by russman
4-14-17
Jessica just called and asked me to let you pick up her paycheck.
Oh, Ok.
So your dating her now. I could fire you for fraternization you know.
I wouldn't really call it dating. And I don't think you'll be firing me any time soon.
Why would you say that?
Jessie showed me some highly inappropriate drunk texts and a picture of a sad little penis from the same account I get my weekly schedule from.

 

by russman
4-14-17
I'm going to take a piss. Keep watch for a minute.
Shit, I gotta call the boss. Something set off your alarm.

 

by russman
4-15-17
So I get this text from the slut in the middle of the night. She says to come over she feels like giving a blow job.
I respond can't you find someone closer. I don't feel like making the half hour drive.
I know I'm getting old, 10 years ago I would've walked the 20 miles in the rain, if I thought a girl might touch it.

 

by russman
4-16-17
Happy Easter, Mom. What is our plan for today?
We've been invited to your Sister's. Or we can invite your Step-Dad up for dinner. Or you could invite your new Girlfriend out so I could finally meet her.
Let me see. So many choices. How about, No, Hell no and what the hell are you thinking, no.
So what would you like to do?
Die peacefully in my sleep.
How about Homemade bread and a Monk marathon on Hallmark.

 

by russman
4-17-17
Did you hear about Jessica?
What about her?
She's dating some guy with a crappy job, that lives with his Mom.
Wow, he must have something going for him. She seems pretty bright.
Wait a minute, where did you say you lived?
I gotta get back on the phone. Those newsletters ain't gonna sale themselves.

 

by russman
4-18-17
The slut texted me at work today. They just released her from the hospital. It seems she Od'd last night.
I thought what can I do? How can I help?
Who is this? I texted back.

 

by russman
4-19-17
Uncle Russ. You need to dump this girl. She's a slut with Daddy issues and a drug problem.
I know, but it's not as cool as it sounds.
Why don't you have her meet me and you for a drink.
You'd help me get rid of her?
If it would help, I'll take her out for you. I'm a lesbian, we're used to the drama.
I'm not sure if I should be thankful or jealous.

 

by russman
4-20-17
Let's go explore the cave.
Danger, Danger Will Robinson.
What the Hell does that mean. You say it everytime we do anything.
It is a reference to a popular televison show from the late 1960's.
Oh, is that the reason you're always trying to give me a blowjob too.
They had a very complicated relationship.

 

by russman
4-22-17
Something bad happened with my job and work slut yesterday.
Let's see how can I make a comic out of the situation.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

 

by russman
4-22-17
What's up man? I thought you didn't want to start drinking before noon anymore.
We're making an exception today. You remember the girl I showed you a picture of.
The one sucking some other guys dick. Hell yeah.
So we had plans last night. First she shows up at our work an hour early, tells the boss I have to leave so we can check into our motel room.
Awesome. What did he say?
He says I better go. I think maybe I'm fired. One piece of good news though. There's probably some guy getting a pic of me getting a blow job right now.

 

by russman
4-23-17
Ahh. It's adorable. Is it a boy or a girl?
Don't you think that's something the baby should decide for itself?
What kind of politically correct crap is that? Does the baby have a dick or not?
I guess by your definition it's a boy.
Tim has an unusual relationship with his mother-in-law.
I bet his dick is bigger than yours.
You'd like to see that wouldn't you?

Showing page 8.

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