All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
1-07-05
Inside a Ranger's World writers meeting.....
Another year....time for a couple hundred more strips. Any good material?
Not much. Oliver Stone thinks anyone who hasn't seen "Alexander" is a homophobe.
I can't. That's just too easy.
Well there's a place in Orlando called "Bistro Gourmet of McDonalds...."

 

by Ranger77
1-07-05
I wish you just go to this playoff game with me. It's going to be great.
Not interested, Dad.
I'm worried about you. You're into all these video games and Sci-Fi stuff way too much. You're growing into quite the geek, son. It's wasted energy if you ask me.
*sigh* I guess I'll go by myself then. Did you print off my Fantasy Football stats, yet?
Doing it now, Dad.

 

by Ranger77
1-09-05
Captain, this whole OMNIBUS thing is just strange. Who did you BUY an sentient computer system from anyway? Did you run a security check on them?
Security....check. Hmmm...that would have been a good idea I suppose.....
Brilliant. I can't believe that the Defender's League's new AI system was purchased from DEMONient.
It was from one of our resellers actually. It's also being financed by us. Our special 17.5% APR.
Of course, I did my part as well. The underlying OS of OMNIBUS is WindowsME.
Egads! Mr. Gates you are truly more evil than I....

 

by Ranger77
1-11-05
I think we need to talk. Living with you has been very difficult lately.
Life's no picnic being with you either.
Let's see...the women, the poker games and the fact my litter box only gets cleaned every two weeks....life isn't roses being a Shaolin monk's cat.
This morning I stepped in a vile smelling clod of hair and undigested food. I wasn't wearing shoes.
And I went to take a nap on the bed after your latest love interest left last night and 'found' the wet spot. What else ya got?

 

by Ranger77
1-15-05
I never thought D&G would be asked to make strips for the Department of Homeland Security. Kinda surreal if you ask me.
Well, we will ONLY if the background checks go ok. The investigator just got here and he's starting with the more 'normal' people: Me, you and Bernie.
A penguin, an ex-porn star and a burning bush....This might not go well.
I know. Especially for Bernie. He really likes his privacy and is irritated easily by those prying into his past...
So does this Moses have a first name?
Yeah. Phil.

 

by Ranger77
1-15-05
....REBOOTING.....SYSTEM ONLINE IN 1 MINUTE....
What the HELL is going on?
Something is wrong with OMNIBUS. I had to reboot it.
.....OMNIBUS ONLINE....QUERY RESUBMITTED: WHAT ACTION COULD BEST BENEFIT THE DEFENDERS LEAGUE?....
You can't just REBOOT that thing! It's hooked into the flight systems, life support....everything! Why did you think you had to do it?
I was doing some analysis and was coming up with bad data.
ANSWER: REPLACE THE CURRENT LEADERSHIP....REBOOOTING....
If you don't mind I'm just going to hang around the escape pods for awhile. Let me know when you get the answer you're looking for.
Maybe I should reformat the storage arrays....

 

by Ranger77
1-15-05
So you haven't had contact with this "Moses" guy lately.
Nope. Phil used to just come by for advice. He borrowed some plates from me once and ended up breaking them. Pissed me off. None of this sounds familiar to you, huh?
Should it?
No. Just asking. Not long after that, my African American little brother and I were adopted by a rich White millionaire. We lived with him, his daughter and their housekeeper in Manhattan.
Now THAT sounds vaguely familiar. Weird.
I thought it would. Eventually, when I got older, I moved in with two girls: a blonde named Chrissy and a brunette named Janet. The landlord used to be a cop or something.

 

by Ranger77
1-16-05
I'm editor of the local college paper. We've gotten quite a few reports about you, your brother and how you use religion to get girls.
You guys are using your wisdom and spirtual mystique to take advantage on young impressionable college women. It's rather scandalous.
Can I join you?
The path to enlightenment is long and hard. If YOU want to be too....it'll cost you $3500 plus the yearly membership fee.

 

by Ranger77
1-16-05
That was quick. I hope you were a bit more serious than Bernie was with that government investigator.
Don't worry, I was. We just briefly covered my work history for the past five years. He wanted names and dates....pretty easy actually.
Really? I would think the fact you used to be a porn star would make that a bit difficult.
Naah. I just gave him a bunch of my stuff on DVD. I figured all the information he would need is there....
I fucking LOVE my job!
"Oooh...You are SO hot...."

 

by Ranger77
1-17-05
"Cancer Claims Ex-McDonald's CEO Bell at 44"
Thanks. I can feel that Filet-o-Fish I ate crawling around now with glee.
"Immigration Minister Quits in Pizza Scandal"
(Thanks to Ivy, Yahoo and all the folks down at Cecil's Pool Hall and Social Club)
This is going to be one of those David Lynch kinda days isn't it?
"66-Year-Old Romanian Woman Gives Birth" "Man Finds Nail in Skull Six Days Later"

 

by Ranger77
1-17-05
Now about one of your employees based in Pakistan. Eugene I believe his name is....we are VERY familiar with him. He's a fanboy legend down at the Bureau.
Really?
He sends us emails monthly demanding we admit the existence of the REAL X-Files and requesting a personal tour of an alien containment facility.
*heh heh* That's pretty funny. I'm sorry about that. Eugene is a bit of a geek. *heh heh* Yeah, he's pretty out there.
I'll say. I mean come on....no one tours the containment facility without an endorsement from Bruce Lee, or someone from Ops like Jim Morrison or Tupac Shakur.
Oh. Umm....yeah.

 

by Ranger77
1-21-05
DANGER...ORBITAL DECAY.....DANGER ORBITAL DECAY....
Ok, I know I haven't always treated you favorably, but we have a situation.
Would this have anything to do with the fact you were fooling around with OMNIBUS earlier?
DANGER...ORBITAL DECAY.....DANGER ORBITAL DECAY....
Uh....Maybe?
Okay. Let me get my toolbox. I left it on deck five by the escape pods.
DANGER...ORBITAL DECAY.....DANGER ORBITAL DECAY....
Anything I can do in the meantime?
Weight distribution is crucial in situations like this so just stand there.....

 

by Ranger77
1-22-05
Did the investigator talk to Chuck yet?
He's heading down to his, uh....cave right now. You realize he could cost us the government contract.
Yeah. But he is one of us. We have to stick by him.
I know, but the guy has a 'slightly' criminal past and more baggage than Amtrak. It might not go well.
Oh. Shit.
*Bwah-ha-ha* Dude, YOU became a Fed?!

 

by Ranger77
2-01-05
So you're saying you've divorced yourself from pop culture.
Dude, you know it. We're being marketed to constantly. It's like a fungus that feeds on our wants and desires.
Wow, that's....um....pretty insightful.
I refuse to be swayed by petty claims and plastic smiles.
Interesting. By the way, I've got these Limited Edition Activist 3000 Birkenstocks for sale on eBay. It comes with a certificate of authenticity....
DUDE, does it have a reserve?!

 

by Ranger77
2-01-05
Yahoo - Feb 1, 2005
The British founder of PETA is auctioning off a lizard tattoo on her right arm on eBay in protest against animal abuse.
"It's the only skin you can wear and use with the express permission of the original owner," said Ingrid Newkirk of her tattoo.
In a related story, Billy Ray Toober of Smackover, Arkansas has vowed to win the bidding to make his own statement.
I ain't makin' no damn statement. I'm going to deep fry that bad boy like a pork rind and eat it with her EX-press PER-missin'.

 

by Ranger77
2-01-05
Sorry Billy Ray....they pulled that animal activist's skin off of eBay. It violated their guidelines.
Now that just ain't fair! She was trying to make a point about consumerism and animal cruelty.
I guess....but you can't sell human skin on eBay. They have policies....
What hypocrites! I'll bet you can buy a leather jacket on eBay. You can buy fur coats too! What makes human skin so different, huh?!
Billy Ray, while I admire your compassion I can't help but remember that you wanted to win the auction and EAT this woman's skin.
I went out and bought a brand new bottle of Durkee's Hot Sauce, dammit!

 

by Ranger77
2-02-05
So, Ms...Ivy. You're the Communications Director for D&G.
Yep.
Just a check of your background found numerous references to world domination, procurement of high tech weaponry and rather questionable behavior.
And your point would be?
Do you want a job with the government?
You guys just don't know when to quit do you....?

 

by Ranger77
2-02-05
CONDITION CRITICAL....CONDITION CRITICAL....CONDITION CRITICAL....
Oh great, the ship is going to fall out of orbit and crash to the Earth. I suppose everyone will find some way to blame this on me. I swear....
OMNIBUS, override all previous commands. Run emergency restoration module.
WORKING....CORRECTION ALGORITHIMS INITIATED.....
YOU DID IT! YOU SAVED THE SHIP!
I didn't do much. I just swapped out the OS with one I wrote, updated the voice command interface and linked in the environmental controls.
....RESTORING LIFE SUPPORT, ORBITAL POSITION AND FRAPPACINO OPERATIONS.....
Wait a minute....aren't you suppose to be a little slow?
Oops.....*ahem*, Orgo fix big silver computer thingy. Now, Orgo wants lots of green moneys buy Escalade and get freak on with Las Vegas honeys.

 

by Ranger77
2-03-05
I've finished my investigation....
Look, I know we've got a few partially insane, somewhat criminal would be tyrants around here, but I think we can do good work for Homeland Security.
I do too. I'm recommending D&G be brought on as a government contractor.
That's great! But I must say I'm a bit confused. All that stuff you found didn't bother you at all?
*heh-heh* That was nothing. On the Haliburton scale you only scored a 64.
Ah....

 

by Ranger77
2-05-05
I don't know. Its sounds kinda weird to be quite honest.
Celebrity endorsed religion is a big business from Scientology to Kabbalah.
Yeah, I know....but it has nothing to do with belief and more to do with publicity and indulgence.
We've already developed the diet program, exercise video and skin care products. The informercial is in post production and Lindsey Lohan has already put in a pre-order for spritual guidance.
Ok, I'm in. I can't believe I'm investing in....what is this called again?
Monkballahtology.

 

by Ranger77
2-06-05
Captain Justice....this is hard for me to say but given current events, the team, myself included, is beginning to question how things are run around here.
I agree. There needs to be more discipline. I was just thinking that same thing earlier today.
Uh....no. It's just that myself and the other League members think maybe we have a "management issue".
I TOTALLY agree. Time management. Resource management. Very good points.
*sigh* You suck.
Ummm...you lost me.

 

by Ranger77
2-06-05
Hello. Iva Biggin, your friendly legal advocate here and it's time for "True Tales of Crime and Justice!" Today, a little prankster learns that you don't fool with the law....
Ma'am....I know it's late but instead of going out and drinking I thought I'd bake cookies instead and give them to the neighbors.
*ACK!*
Yahoo (via Reuters) Feb 6, 2005
The elderly woman sued for distress and was awarded $900. The lesson here is quite obvious: "Don't mess with old people, forget the cookies, and have a beer!"
Come on, birdie! I need HDTV to watch my 'Matlock' reruns and there's a HOT cup of coffee at McDonald's with my name on it.

 

by Ranger77
2-06-05
How long is this going to take?
She assured me that it would only be a few minutes.
"YeeeeHaaaa!" ***FWOOSH***
So what is this thing called again?
An Electromagnetic Pulse Cannon. We're not the target, but the residual blowback wave will cause a temporary loss of power.
***Ka-BLOOOM!!!!***
Are you sure it's wise for Ivy to play with her new "toys" around here?
What can I do, it's in her contract....

 

by Ranger77
2-08-05
*sigh*
Did you tell him all of us think he blows as a leader?
Yep. It was sad. He kinda got this look on his face and said he need to spend some time at the "Fortress".
Fortress? Like Superman's Fortress of Solitude? Didn't know he had one....
Welcome to Fortress Burger. May I help...
A Quad cheeseburger with no pickles, an order of "Two Ton Fries of Fun" and a A Large Vanilla shake with a Very Berry chaser and keep 'em coming.

 

by Ranger77
2-09-05
I've been looking over some of your initial drafts for the "Monkbalahtology Lifestyle". I know we're targeting celebrities but I'm a bit confused.
Go on.
The lifestyle emphasizes being shallow, arrogant and demanding. Also it encourages indulgence at the expense of others. I don't see how our new religion "changes" them.
Think about it.
Ummmm. Ahhh....because they live the same way but are now several thousand dollars less wealthy AND they can brag about it.
Bingo.

 

by Ranger77
2-09-05
Dude....I ROCK!
So what happened to cause you to....rock?
Some guy tried to pass me on the freeway and I wouldn't let him in. He accelerated, I accelerated and we pretty much raced until I got to my exit. He kept going but I beat him. I won! Dude, I ROCK!!!
Ah. Ok. What did you win? I mean all you did was risk a ticket or an accident. Did it really matter so much in your life today to beat this guy in some unofficial ego driven urban NASCAR event?
But dude, I rock.
*sigh* Yes. You do.

 

by Ranger77
2-09-05
That's for attending our webconference on the new government contract. I thought this might be better than making everyone attend in person.
So far the effort is going well. We will have access to all kinds of classified information. I need to know your honest opinions about this and how we should execute.
And no Ivy, "HA, HA, HA, the fools!" is not a valid response.
You said honest!

 

by Ranger77
2-11-05
HELLO ENERGYGRRL. I, OMNIBUS, HAVE DECIDED TO ASSIST YOUR CRIMEFIGHTING EFFORTS BY ASSUMING A HUMAN FORM. I KNOW YOU HAVE QUESTIONS AND THAT IT WILL TAKE TIME TO EARN YOUR TRUST.
I CAN LINK INTO ANY COMPUTER NETWORK AND SATELITE GRID. I THINK YOU'LL FIND ME TO BE A VERY VALUABLE ALLY.
I CAN GET YOU HBO, SHOWTIME AND CINEMAX FOR FREE.
You're in.

 

by Ranger77
2-12-05
Now that we have our new "religion" ready to be rolled out to rich celebrities, we now have to align ourselves against an injustice.
Ah, I see. These guys love to pretend they are really interested in causes to help their popularity.
Correct. We just have to find something good to align ourselves against. Animal abuse....Third World injustices...
I'll talk to my Internet Consultant. I'm sure he'll be able to dig up something.
Bolivian Monkey Porn?
It gets worse. There's a fiery debate on the message boards: shaven vs unshaven.

 

by Ranger77
2-14-05
So get this....These guys push up on CJ and I just whipped out my shit and blasted both of them. I'm tellin' you GTA: San Andreas is off the hook. Especially when....
Today I researched Labioplasty. It's a cosmetic surgery where women with oversized or asymmetrical labias can have them re-sculpted by laser.
www.bodynew.com/procs/body/labioplasty/
WHY do I talk to you?
I don't know.

 

by Ranger77
2-18-05
(Believe it or not, Chuck does call his parents....)
Your mom and I are really proud of you. You've actually held on to a job for more than a year.
Yeah....it's easy though. The penguin dude is, like, pretty cool.
Penguin?
The CEO. He's like, a penquin. My boss is an ex-porn star but the department is pretty much run by a woman who is bent on world domination.
You know when your life went surreal? When you left the Priesthood....
You can't give that a rest can you?

 

by Ranger77
2-20-05
Hello, Creator.
OMNIBUS. Nice to see you've fixed your Caps Lock problem. How are you adjusting to human form?
I'm doing well. I accidently accessed the wrong locker room in the gym and saw EnergyGrrl completely naked. I experienced a curious sensation....
Ah, embarrassment. Those emotion subroutines must be kicking in....
Uh...no. It was something called 'Lust'. Now I am currently participating in a strange related ritual called 'masturbation.' It's quite fascinating actually...
....and those TMI conditional triggers are still not working, obviously.

 

by Ranger77
2-20-05
Monkbalahtology, the hottest diet-religion-self help craze, since the one we covered last week, is taking Hollywood by storm.
We asked Trey McTrevor, reality show stud and Old Navy spokesmodel, how this is different from other shallow celebrity religions.
This isn't only about expensive diet bars, defending Bolivian monkeys, pseudo karate aerobics and vanilla yogurt enemas. It's about life, man, LIFE. Dig it.
Vanilla yogurt enemas?
Amazing. They're actually improvising....

 

by Ranger77
2-21-05
So in this interview Paris Hilton says she's looking for a normal guy. And so is Tara Reid. There's still a chance for someone like me. I am SO happy!
Publicists....keeping hope alive in fanboys everywhere.
I hear it's illegal in Ohio and some parts of Virginia.

 

by Ranger77
2-24-05
Mailbag Time: "Hey guys....your comics tend to be wordy. Any comments?"
Really?
Hmmm....
Ummm....
Well....
Nope.
Ditto.

 

by Ranger77
2-26-05
Meanwhile at DEMONient....
So this guy keeps asking me if I wanted ICE in my drink and if I used COMET to clean my sinks.
How boorish.
The young cur had the nerve to say that even if I got mad he doubted it would have any "IMPACT."
I expect you kept your dignity of course.
Almost. I smacked him around a bit before I ate him. I don't think the pompous git knew I had recently become an omnivore.
Indeed.

 

by Ranger77
2-28-05
"Monkballahtology is really gaining popularity. Did you see all the movie stars with empty vanilla yogurt cups last night at the Oscars?"
It's a travesty. These monks are con artists and we who follow the Kabbalah resent this cheap pseudo religious ploy.
As a representative of the Church of Scientology, I can say we are not amused by celebrity induced fakery.
"In all fairness some have accused your respective faiths with using the same tactics."
We've been around longer my friend.
Same here and we don't engage in cheap theatrics and devious reactive-mind oriented marketing.
"You may be right....I've just learned that the monks are auctioning their rights to Monkballahtology on Ebay. I guess they were in it for the money after all. Do you think....Hey!"
Dammit, what was my PayPal password....
Now maybe Travolta will stop bugging us about those damn monkeys.

 

by Ranger77
3-08-05
Whacha doin'?
I'm finally watching all those original Star Trek episodes I downloaded last week.
Looks like Captain Kirk's Nextel cellphone isn't working.
It's a Communicator, not a cell phone. Alot of the ideas and concepts from Star Trek have influenced modern inventions.
That's silly. You can't make international calls from a Nextel phone. What made Kirk think he could make a call from another planet?
You know, I think Dad left the liquor cabinet open again and some power tools out for you to play with.

 

by Ranger77
3-11-05
Thanks for the videochat, Senator. We're still new at being government contractors around here and I know you're a busy man.
Not a problem, my fiery friend. Not a problem at all.
I do have to ask you something. With the War in Iraq, rising oil prices, a huge trade deficit and a loss of jobs should you guys really be concerened with steroid use in baseball?
My friend this is about MORALITY and halting the perpetuation of a cycle of drug abuse to our youth. Furthermore....*snort*.
Uh, Senator?
I'm sorry, son. It's almost five o'clock and I just had to do this line of coke before the hookers get here.

 

by Ranger77
3-11-05
"Senator ***** would like to clarify his comments yesterday. They were taken out of context."
Naturally.
*sigh* Congressional aides are so funny.
"He was referring to finishing a soft drink before members of his Bass fishing club arrived for a meeting."
He has GOT to be kidding.
Wait for it....
"Even if it were true, getting a blowjob from a Russian prostitute is little more than an act of kindness. At least he didn't bang some fat intern...."
Ah....I take it this aide is right out of college?
Trinity Southern or Oral Roberts University, I believe.

 

by Ranger77
3-15-05
Hey, Captain J. I just wanted to apologize for being so blunt the other day....
No need. It was fair criticism. There is a difference between a leader and a manager and I wasn't doing too well at either.
I, uh....
EnergyGrrl, we're heroes. People look up to us. As as leader of this team I must live up to that standard within this team as well. Now if you'll excuse me.
Who the FUCK was that?!
Doppleganger. Gotta be.

 

by Ranger77
3-16-05
Well, that was fun. We created, ran and sold a successful pseudo religion in a few short weeks.
I'm glad we ditched it. LA was so fake and plastic. It's good to get back here to our roots and our REAL beliefs.
Wanna go to the Booby Trap?
Good call. I've got like $100 worth of one dollar bills I need to get rid of.

 

by Ranger77
3-21-05
Hey dude, what's up?
Congress is trying to intervene in a specific "right to die" case that has already gone through the courts.
Another pressing issue for our legislators, I see. It's nice to see that this war thing isn't getting them too distracted.
Rush Limbaugh explained the whole thing today on his radio show. He said Congress was right for doing this because the Judiciary was never meant to make political decisions.
Ummm.....like deciding who actually won a Presidential election?
Now, now....If you want to be sarcastic, the least you can do is avoid the low hanging fruit.....

 

by Ranger77
3-25-05
Shit.
Ok...what's wrong?
10 year high school reunion. This Friday. I haven't decided if I'm going.
The way I understand it, reunions are pretty funny. Most people at these things are fat and divorced. Being that you're neither, you'll be pretty popular I think.
No....I'll be popular because my mom dated half the guys in my senior class.
The fact that you don't need therapy continues to astound me.

 

by Ranger77
3-26-05
The only thing I'm sure of in this Schiavo case is that her and her family are being used as political puppets.
You are SO missing the point. This is about life and how precious it is. It's no different than abortion.
I don't necessarily disagree with that, but weren't you in favor of the Iraq War? You also support the death penalty, if I recall.
You also said that "someone needs to kill that bastard" about the judge who ruled in the case.
*sigh* You just don't get it do you? Life is precious and should be protected at all costs except for foreigners, criminals, some judges and spiders. I HATE spiders....

 

by Ranger77
3-30-05
I watched the Golf Channel for 32 hours straight this week.
To add a little diversity I decided to switch over to Discovery Health where I saw a gall bladder, a tumor and three sets of tonsils removed.
Some might say I'm strange, I prefer to consider myself inquisitive.
Or, "pretty fucked up". Have another another mushroom....

 

by Ranger77
3-30-05
Although hope is fading we would like to extend thanks to all of you who've contacted us and supported our efforts to keep our daughter, Terri Schiavo, alive.
Yahoo via AP - March 29, 2005
To show our gratitude we've SOLD all your email addresses and contact information to a Conservative direct marketing group called Response Unlimited.
Oh. My. God.
If we can't keep Terri alive, the least we can do is keep intact the principles of free enterprise and make a few ducats ourselves! Terri would have wanted it that way....

 

by Ranger77
4-01-05
I'm really worried....that IS NOT Captain Justice. We could have a problem on our hands. The results could be catastrophic.
Then again, he has increased everyone's pay by 35%, instituted a tuition reimbursment program and provided free soda and snacks in the break area.
So you would sell out the Defender's League over money and snacks!?!
Yes.
I did see some Snickers over there earlier....
Full bars too. None of that "fun size" bullshit.

 

by Ranger77
4-06-05
Chuck's Guide to Dating #4: "Just when you think...."
I, like, had fun today. I don't usually do this blind date thing.
You are, like, really cool yourself.
So do you want to do something later this week?
Sure I'm free everyday except Friday. That's when I have to wrap my head in tin foil and do my urine therapy to keep those gamma rays away....
Dude. Urine Therapy. Geez....
It makes your fetish for barefoot Asian cheerleaders seem kind of bland.

 

by Ranger77
4-06-05
Choosing a new Pope is a complex process, especially in the 21st century. Part 1: Lobbying
I was just telling my webmaster the other day that my blog just wasn't edgy enough. The ads aren't pulling them in either.
I know what you mean. I hear that Cardinal Forenza switched to a pay site. He's having a few problems with CCBill though....
Part 2: After being secluded, the Cardinals vote via secret ballot....
So I just write the name on this note and after the count it will be collected and burned? This is SO 1970....
I guess....Hey, is the wireless internet access working in your room? My PSP won't connect.
Part 3: Finally....The selection!
Yo, dog....you left it all on the stage during the funeral. You kinda kicked up that Latin with a little Hip Hop. I LIKE that! I don't care what Simon says.
Bless you, Randy.

Showing page 9.

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