All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
3-31-04
Okay. I've got a Scroll of Put Out Fireball, a Scroll of Magic Anti-missile, a Scroll of Shoo Familiar, and a Scroll of Mordenkainen's Faithful Doghouse. I'm ready.
While you were gathering all that stuff, I had time to learn Polymorph to Animal.
Oh, crap.

 

by evil_d
3-31-04
You know those people who brag about how they don't watch TV? Imagine if people were like that about other major advances in communications media.
I'm proud to say I don't even own a radio.
That would explain why you didn't hear about the wildfires.
Books! Pshaw! Nothing but garbage in 'em. I haven't read one in years.
Why am I talking to you?

 

by evil_d
4-07-04
Now boys, I know y'all'd like to go home to your families, but I jest know there's WMDs in Iraq, and I need you to stay until you find 'em.
Ha ha! March fools!
Uh, sir, there isn't any such holiday as--
Just a minute, Dick. I'm giving orders to these fools.

 

by evil_d
4-08-04
RRRRING! RRRRING!
Retroactive Man! It's the Mayor! The city needs your help! There are... oh, wait... no... no, there aren't.
Thanks, Retroactive Man!
No problem!

 

by evil_d
5-08-04
At last, we meet again, Brad!
I'm sorry, I don't think I know any skeletons.
Surely you remember me! You banned me from Stripcreator exactly one year ago today! I e-mailed you and swore revenge, but you just ignored me!
Sounds plausible.
You banned me for writing forum posts that contained only the word "PENIS" repeated several hundred times.
You're not really narrowing down the field.

 

by evil_d
5-08-04
As a mortal, I lacked the power to defeat you, so I enlisted the help of a necromancer. He cast a spell so that upon my death, my skeleton would arise to seek vengeance!
And I take it you died recently.
Just yesterday. Thrown from a bus.
I didn't hear about any bus accidents on the news.
No, there was no accident. I was thrown out by the driver. He didn't like me yelling "PENIS" at all the other passengers.
Sounds like you've got a lot of vengeance to seek.

 

by evil_d
5-08-04
In due course! Right now, it's time to settle our score! Eat acid, evil webmaster!
AIEEEEE!
What's this? I don't understand!
I bet we use the same necromancer. Tall guy, kinda pale, likes wearing black?

 

by evil_d
5-08-04
Then you, too, have been granted the agonizing gift of eternal undeath!
Man, I've got about half a dozen websites to run. I don't have time to be dead.
Really? I didn't know it was that many.
Well, I signed a contract to take over nightmare-nightlife.com upon my undeath.
Hey, cool. I have an account there.
Not anymore, you don't.

 

by evil_d
5-14-04
Mr. Jones, I'm glad we could meet to discuss your son's problems in school. Yesterday he couldn't even name all of the planets in order.
Whoa, that's pretty serious. I mean, I was fired from my last job for not being able to name all of the planets in order.
In fact, just last week I was on my way to Jupiter and I couldn't remember whether it came before or after Saturn. Totally missed my exit, I was an hour late for my meeting.
...which brings me to my theory about Billy's troubles with education having their roots at home.
This morning I passed a bum on the street. I asked him, "Can I give you a couple of bucks?" and he said, "I don't need your money, I need you to name all of the planets in order for me!"

 

by evil_d
5-28-04
Good day, ma'am. I've got a product to show you that'll change your life. Can you spare a few minutes?
Well... sure, I guess so....
Excellent! Now, see this ordinary little stick of charcoal?
Shortly....
So when do we get to the part with your magic new household product that can clean this all up?
Clean it up? I'm just showing you how great charcoal is!

 

by evil_d
6-07-04
Enjoy your ice cream, kid.
Blech! This ice cream tastes like chalk! What the hell flavor is this?
Chalk.
But it's brown.
Oh, then that's the chalkolate.

 

by evil_d
6-09-04
Man, the ground feels weird around here. What's the deal?
Welcome, traveller, to Vanillopolis, where the roads are made of ice cream!
Roads made of ice cream? What do you do in the summer?
Row our way around in gondolas, like in Venice.
That June:
Bad news, Mr. Mayor. The gondolier death tolls are up this year. Three drowned just this month from trying to lean over and drink the ice cream.
Well, it's still better than when the streets were canals of hot coffee.

 

by evil_d
6-13-04
Hey, are you drinking something that has prizes on the underside of the cap?
Yep.
Cool. Win anything?
"GWXRY VNDGD."
...you must be excited.
Does it show?

 

by evil_d
6-21-04
Computer, I need to look up some information about preventing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Sorry. Your network administrator has installed software that blocks any web sites that deal with sexual subject matter.
Well, okay, but it's his daughter that's going to be getting herpes from me.

 

by evil_d
9-22-04
I live at the intersection of Iraqi Road and American Way.
What's it like?
There were a lot of accidents. So they installed a traffic light.
Did it help?
Not really.
Well, it's just the same down the road at Saudi Circle, but they only put up a Yield sign.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
Jim and Tim are attending a trade convention as representatives of their company. The night before, they arrive in town and check into a motel.
Welcome to McTel 6.
And I just thought part of the sign was out.
But Jim stays up all night, sitting at his computer.
Tim, meanwhile, hires a prostitute.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
In the morning, Jim and Tim check out...
Can I get a discount for not using the bed?
...and head over to the convention...
Want to grab some coffee on the way?
Good idea. I'm exhausted.
...where they start setting up their booth.
There's only one chair. You want it?
Nah, you take it. My ass is still sore from last night.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
Later that day:
Alright, buddy, you're under arrest. Come with me.
Is this about last night? Come on, officer, it was just a bit of fun.
Oh yeah? Well your "bit of fun" cost Tripco Pharmaceuticals a lot of money!
What? Listen, from what she told me, she was PAYING money to Tripco Pharmaceuticals!
Don't play dumb with me! I'm talking about you hacking into their computer network!
Oh! You want my friend Jim.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
...so they made a big deal about how I should be ashamed of myself, blah blah, "defiling" this, "direspecting" that....
And then they locked you up?
I was like, "If they didn't want me in there, officer, they shouldn't have opened it up so wide!"
How true.
So anyway, will you tell Tim to come post my bail?
Sure thing, babe. I'm seeing him again at 8.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
Thanks for signing out... is this last letter an "m"?
Yeah. Boy, I'm glad to finally get out of here.
Everyone says that. Too bad you couldn't take your friend with you, though.
Eh, he'll get out eventually.
Anyway, I've got to go. The meter's still running. Uh, in the taxi I took to get here.
Just a minute, buddy. About this "bit of fun" you mentioned earlier....

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
I can't believe we're locked up in here.
You have no one but yourself to blame.
You're not exactly innocent either!
You could have lied for me, you know.
And said what? That you were with me at the time?
Point.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
Hello, I'm your court-appointed lawyer. Before we begin, I want you to know that I'll defend you as best I can, even though my family and I are appalled and disgusted by what you did.
Listen, lady, your sister's the one who whored herself out, so don't blame me. Besides, she enjoyed it.
My sister isn't a whore, you ass! I'm talking about my father. He's the CEO of Tripco Pharmaceuticals.
Oh! You want my friend Jim.
Sorry about that, it's just that you look a lot like this prostitute I... you know, I'll just stop talking now.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
Okay, here's the plan. We're going to take you guys to each other's hearings, and then argue it was a case of mistaken identity.
And so:
Counselor, if your client thinks he has any chance of getting bail, he'd better start telling me how sorry he is for fooling around where he had no business being.
Your honor, this client isn't the one accused of computer hacking. He's the one accused of soliciting a prostitute.
Hmm... well, I stand by my statement. I mean, look at that hair... he's obviously a complete fairy.
I request a mistrial for so many reasons.

 

by evil_d
10-11-04
Man, it'll be good to get back home.
You said it.
And just as good to get back to my old tricks, without any convictions on my record.
Not for me. I've learned my lesson.
The End.
Want to drive?
No, I'm going to lie down in the back seat for a while. After that night in prison, my ass is even sorer than before.

 

by evil_d
10-18-04
So, you're going to the Water Temple? You'd better take these iron boots! They're so heavy, they'll weigh you down so you can walk on the bottom of the lake!
Uh... but what if I want to get back up?
Just take them off and put them in your backpack! Oh, and don't worry about drowning -- you'll have no problem breathing underwater if you wear this blue tunic!
I don't see how that....
Ooh, looks like you've got a live chicken in your pocket. I'm afraid you won't be able to use that underwater.
Eh, no big loss. It's not much use on land either.

 

by evil_d
10-25-04
So I've decided I'm voting for Nader this year.
You asshole, don't do that. Do you want Bush to win? We need every vote we can get to put the lesser evil in office.
Think of Bush as this big playground bully, and we all have to... hey, hang on. That bum passed out in the alley over there... is that...?
I think it's Democracy.
It sure is. Hold up a second, I'm going to piss in his mouth.

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
Gabe, I believe I'm a man with sound business sense. I founded the World Little Girl Boxing Association on a solid guiding principle.
I'm proud to have been a part of your vision, Mr. Helmut.
I believed that people wanted to see grown men and little girls punching each other. In fact, I believed they would pay good money to see it. But, Gabe, there was one thing I couldn't have foreseen.
What's that, Mr. Helmut?
Well, Gabe, in the WLGBA's ten-year history, so far, none of the little girls have ever won a match.
That's incredible! Are you sure?

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
I've checked and re-checked the statistics, Gabe. No World Little Girl Boxing Association match has ever, in fact, been won by a little girl. That's why I've asked you here today, Gabe.
But what can I do about it?
Gabe, I need you to do something very important for me. You'll be getting in the ring in a couple of hours for tonight's WLGBA match. I need you to lose that match.
You want me to take a dive? I -- I don't know, Mr. Helmut. Why me?
Well, I figure it'll be the most believable if it's you.

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
Gabe, it seems that because of our one-sided record, the fans think our fights are boring and predictable. We need a big ratings boost, or pretty soon, we'll all be out of a job. So do you understand?
I understand, Mr. Helmut. I'll throw tonight's fight. You can count on me.
I knew I could, Gabe. Now go get ready. You're due at the pre-fight trash-talking in an hour.
Yes sir, Mr. Helmut!
Shortly....
Hey Joe, it's Gabe. Yeah, put me down for ten thousand against myself for tonight. Great. Thanks.

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
At the pre-fight trash talk:
You're a joke, Billings. We both know you ain't got nothin'. You're going down like a two-bit whore.
You mean like your grandma? I knocked her silly last week, and now it's your turn.
Like hell. I'm gonna tuck you in for the big naptime, boy.
Bring it on, ya pantywaist!
That's IT! You're fucking dead, you little bitch. Nobody calls me a pantywaist.
But... you wear panties... around your waist....

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
"...and the fight is underway!"
Okay, now... got to make it look convincing. Can't go down right away. I'll move around a lot, make it look like I'm getting tired out.
"Gabe's being cagey. Looks like he might have something big planned...."
Better throw a few punches so I look like I'm trying. Won't hit too hard; just a few taps.
"Oh! And Petunia is down already! The ref's starting the count!"
Oh crap.

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
Two months later....
Well, Petunia, everything sure worked out for us in the end. I knew that when I told Gabe to throw that match, he'd give it away to his bookie, giving us fantastic odds for our bet against him.
The money we made from throwing that fight ourselves was more than enough to pay for this island, and ensure that we'll never have to work again. Guess you and I are the real winners here!
Not quite. I still have a score to settle with Billings.
Jeeves, I need to arrange someone's death. Bring me my telephone.
Would that be the one with the Hello Kitty stickers, ma'am?

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
Billings, I want to show you there's no hard feelings about our match. Helmut and I would love it if you'd come visit us at the island this weekend. Are you free?
Well... uh... I guess so... sure, I'd love to come!
Great! Now we've already reserved a plane ticket in your name. All you have to do is go pick them up. Any questions?
Well, just one....
...how'd you get my new phone number?

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
That's awfully nice of Petunia. Helmut too. Especially after that horrible match. Still, I've suffered too. If it weren't for losing that bet, I wouldn't be living in this public restroom.
And meanwhile, they're living together on a private island? Why, they must have set me up! Well, I'll show them! The second I get off that plane, they're dead!
Jeeves, I want my surface-to-air missiles ready to launch by this afternoon.
Yes ma'am. Shall I use the pink ones, or the ones with flower designs?

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
And so:
NOBODY CALLS ME A PANTYWAIST!!
Damn it!

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
Well, I guess that's that. It's finally over, with you victorious.
Yes, I'm glad... wait, what's that up there? Is that... goddamn it, is that Billings? Is he shouting something?
Damn you, Petunia!! This isn't over yet! I'll land on you and kill us both!
I can't make out what he's saying.
Well, not to worry. He's about a mile off-shore, and he'll never survive the impact anyway.

 

by evil_d
2-03-05
Well, Helmut, I guess I came out on top after all. We're living in luxury on our private island, and Gabe is probably lying dead at the bottom of the ocean or something.
Yeah, haha, probably, I mean, where else would he be... I mean, there's no chance he....
Of course, I mean, you don't think he... there's no way that....
He couldn't possibly have... I mean... could he?
Answer: no.
Hey, aren't you Gabe Billings from the WLGBA? Can I have your autograph?

 

by evil_d
2-21-05
I have a confession to make. I... I think I love you.
Dude! That's sick.
Oh, what? Don't tell me you're some kind of homophobe.
No, man, I don't care if you're gay.
But I am not cool with necrophilia.

 

by evil_d
3-10-05
Aren't you shocked and intrigued by the recent feud between gangsta rapper 50 Cent and his posse-mate The Game?
Not really.
Yeah, me either, but I'm taking bets on it. Want in?
Sure, give me a fiver on 50 Cent. I admire a guy who can be so forthcoming about his value to society.

 

by evil_d
3-20-05
So apparently Congress is considering legislation that would create a National Cowboy Day.
That's the joke.
But it's true.
Don't remind me.

 

by evil_d
3-21-05
Oscar, why are you so grouchy?
Big Bird's stopped throwing out his back issues of Hustler.

 

by evil_d
3-21-05
Oscar, why are you so grouchy?
Some jackass threw out a tank full of live scorpions.
Why would they do that?
Get a doctor, damn it, I'm in some serious pain here.

 

by evil_d
3-21-05
Oscar, why are you so grouchy?
Mr. Hooper's back on the wagon. He dumped about six hundred dollars worth of hard liquor on my head last night.
I would think you could do with a little something to steady your nerves.
I'm an angry drunk.

 

by evil_d
3-22-05
________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________

 

by evil_d
3-22-05
You think you can beat me? My Pokémon training skills are the best!     BLINKYCLYDE!!     I CHOOSE YOU!
We'll see about that!      ZOMBIEMON!!      I CHOOSE YOU!
BooOOOoooOOOooo!
Graaaaiiiins....
"Grains"??
He's a vegetarian-type Pokémon.

 

by evil_d
3-22-05
Nothing beats a psychic-type Pokémon!         CLEOCAT!!         I CHOOSE YOU!
Nothing... except a stronger psychic-type Pokémon!   DAFFY PSYDUCK!!   I CHOOSE YOU!
I'm having a vision of... you losing this battle!
I'm having a vision of... my trainer wetting the bed tonight!
This isn't much of a fight.
I don't know; I still feel defeated.

 

by evil_d
3-22-05
Prepare for defeat, as I summon the thinking man's Pokémon!       CHESSASET!!       I CHOOSE YOU!
You should prepare for defeat as I summon the hitting man's Pokémon!    LANCEMANDER!!    I CHOOSE YOU!
Knight to d5!
Okay!
I hope you didn't pay energy for that attack.
At least he has a high speed rating.

 

by evil_d
3-22-05
Let's see how you fare against my flame-type Pokémon!       FIREPILLAR!!       I CHOOSE YOU!
Hah! I counter with an ice-type Pokémon!       SNOWMON!!       I CHOOSE YOU!
I love you!
Let's get married!
SSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssss....
Son of a bitch.

 

by evil_d
3-22-05
You'll be helpless against my high-level plant-type Pokémon!   DEATHMASTREE!!   I CHOOSE YOU!
Don't be so sure -- I've got a plant-type of my own! BLASTOLANTERN!! I CHOOSE YOU!
I guess at least one of us should summon a Pokémon capable of movement.
Actually, mine's just a pumpkin I carved last night.

 

by evil_d
3-23-05
So you really offered to give Matt a reference for getting his security clearance? I thought you were opposed to--
Hold on a second, there's the call now.
Hello? Yeah, Matt's a great guy. Did a lot of drugs in college, but who didn't, right? Listen, those rumors that he was planning to kill the president are totally false. Okay, you're welcome. Bye.
I see.
Oh, damn. I forgot to mention his secret love affair with an Iraqi man.

Showing page 9.

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