All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
12-09-03
(o)(o)
Employee! If you do not desire to volunteer for hazardous maritime product testing, please register non-compliance by speaking!
(o)(o)
Thank you for volunteering for this testing duty! Please engage seat harness and pay attention to safety briefing!
(o)(o)
Forgot to pay attention to the safety briefing didn't you?

 

by jes_lawson
12-09-03
(o)(o)
(o)(o)
(o)(o)

 

by jes_lawson
12-09-03
(o)(o)
Hi Jes! Hey, you seem a bit preoccupied...
(o)(o)
Is there something wrong...
Have you ever thought of moving up a cup size, Dani?
Have you ever thought of introducing your groin to the end of my boot?

 

by jes_lawson
12-10-03
So, continuing with my life story, I spend the next few years in and out of hospital, but survive. At the age of 12 I...
Hang on, what's this?
Happy birthday!
The author has been taken out for his birthday. Meanwhile, here's a punchline from a previous comic...

 

by jes_lawson
12-10-03
Anyway, let's review the past year. With me is long time Jes_Lawson character, the "Safety Donkey"
I've taken time off from helping fat gits from Hull file bogus compensation claims to be here!
January
I remember watching The Two Towers, going to a beer festival, my parents visiting...
...and accidentally insulting your ex-girlfriend while at a party in London on New Year's Eve, you prick!
February
Love was in the air for me, as I met Clair. Well, I say "love"...
...but it was more like having your own 24-hour hooker on demand.

 

by jes_lawson
12-11-03
Here's my example for why[SOME PRINCIPLE/COLLECTIVE] doesn't work.
Send them all to Mars, give them plenty of supplies, air, and all the equipment and facilities they could ever need.
...then check on them in 50 years.

 

by jes_lawson
12-11-03
So the Inuit takes his broken down skidoo to the garage and says "I think the radiator's gone"
And the mechanic says "It looks like you've blown a seal."
And the Inuit says "No, it's just frost on my top lip!"
If that one goes in this year's batch of crackers, I'll staple your package to the sleigh.

 

by jes_lawson
12-11-03
March
Hi Dad, good to see you over hear again...
Ho Ho Ho! It's about time you got yourself a house, young man!
April
We need to split up.
Excellent, I mean...I'm gutted! I'm off to Great Yarmouth on a martial arts holiday
May
Underworked, underappreciated and underpaid. Right now, being on the dole seems like a happy memory.
Did something speak?

 

by jes_lawson
12-13-03
June
Do you know where you are?
I'm both, "Somewhere between Edinburgh and Newcastle" and, "Somewhere between fucked and bombed."
July
Thanks for coming out with me again. You reckon we're official now?
Sure. You realise though, I now get to pick and choose when *I* see *you* though...
August
Two aikido gradings...
And a funeral.

 

by jes_lawson
12-14-03
Have you seen the car keys, hon?
Did you try looking in the cellar?
AAH! Holy Shit!
Quiet, fool! The Americans will hear!
I keep telling you, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY WMD'S LEFT!
And I keep asking you, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY CAR KEYS, SADDAM?

 

by jes_lawson
12-15-03
September
I'm thinking my new flat has a slight plumbing problem
October
Fancy spending Hallowe'en on a boat in the middle of a Force 10 in the North Sea!
Shut your face, before I carve you an arse, and then carve you a new one!
November.
No fun, no friends, no TV, no breaks, no rest, no play
November. Meh, it was OK, but you have to admit, it's the most boring month of the year...

 

by jes_lawson
12-15-03
Hey! Do you think Bush was really appointed by God?
No, but I believe he believes he was.
Know what I believe?
What?
I believe you can stop right there with that Rumsfeld shit right now.
And I believe it's time for another bong hit before the kids wake up and start stepping on us.

 

by jes_lawson
12-15-03
Uh...welcome to KFC. Can I take your order?
You took it, 10 minutes ago! Where's my Super Special Recipe Bargain Bucket?
I'll...check again, sir...but we're still not sure how to make that...
Bah!
Dude I can't keep stalling him! Hurry up!
For the last time, man, I've never had to recompile the Colonel before!

 

by jes_lawson
12-15-03
December
I'm 26, and I'm feeling like I'm past my best in the prime of my life.
Bah, this is pathetic! Since when did you make whinging blog strips on this website?
Since I started feeling like a boat in a lake with no rudder and no sail. And no engines.
I know what you need.
Absinth!
You've got my permission to exceed the recommended safe dose! We'll drink some sense into you yet!

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-03
So anyway, on to my second big announcement
Hang on...
You've not done a daily strip for yesterday yet
Now I have
Hack...

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-03
OK, so as of today I have made 416 comics (including this one) and posted 1195 times.
Are you going anywhere with this?
Yes. It's the first anniversary of me joining Stripcreator. And since everyone else is doing it, I'm leaving forever.
What? And desert all the wonderful people you've met through this site?
Well, no, but I'm definitley cutting back my time on here over the holidays
Happy Anniversary! There will be repeats of old strips in the meantime!

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-03
A Mess of Grits
Hey Uncle Zeke, how much is a mess, anyway
A bit more'n a fixin', but a bit less than a whole mess.
Eh, about this much, ah reckon!
The author's scaling back his SC time, so here's Le Chef, with some Cajun cooking tips
Le Cajun cuisine? P'too! Mais, le Kajun cuisine! Mwah! J'aime plus le deep fried Mars bars et Irn-Bru mit le vodka! L'angioplasty!

 

by jes_lawson
12-17-03
My girlfriend's a *big* girl. When I take her out shopping, it's hard to find things she can wear.
I just say: "Baby, just you leave with the first thing that you fit perfectly!"
Usually it's the cubicle...

 

by jes_lawson
12-22-03
"Dear PayPal...
I think there's been some kind of mix-up.
So far, over the twelve days of Christmas, I've received...
12 drummers, 22 sets of bagpipes, 30 frisky lords, 36 dancing girls...
40 milkmaids, 42 swans, 42 geese, 40 rings, 36 calling-birds, 30 hens, 22 doves, and 12 partridges in pear trees.
Either you've made a big mistake, or I'm gonna have to ask the Stripcreator users to start sending cash donations only. Sincerely, Brad"

 

by jes_lawson
12-24-03
I brought you some pot pourri for Christmas, Mr. Paisley.
NO POT POURRI HERE!
*SLAM*

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
Good evening, and welcome to Third Eye, our in-depth look at the stories behind the scenes, behind the stories.
This week, a shocking insight into the world of organised potato growing.
Each week, millions of potatoes are being grown on so called "farms", right under the noses of the authorities!

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
LIVE
I'm here with Helmut Letchmann, a so-called "potato farmer", at a remote location in Idaho.
Good morning!
LIVE
Mr. Letchmann, is it true you are knowingly and willfully growing and selling potatoes for mass consumption at a profit?
Well sir, not in so many words, but...
"...and in yon warehouse over there's where we store them before they're shipped around the country."
My God! It's endemic!

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
What a weird day that was! They were treating me like I was some sort of drug lord!
Well, I just grow potatoes and ain't never done nothing else, not never, no sir!
Ain't no skeletons in my...crud!
Moh!

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
Wh-who are you?
I'm all your dark secrets that you thought would never escape.
Oh no! Like the time I dressed as a woman so I could spy on Fran Dreschler in the ladies room?
Exactly!
And the time I put sarin in the town water supply so's I could get the job on the potato farm without any competition?
Uhh...sure! Let me just...get my notebook, for no particular reason...

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
Wait a minute...I know what you're here to do! You're going to kill me!
Uhh...
And I know how it'll happen too! There'll be a big explosion, and lots of burning buildings, and you'll be left saying...

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
AGH! So this is how it ends! Blown up by all my dirty secrets come back to haunt me!
Actually, I'm one of three spirits sent here to make you change your ways
But, seeing as you've left the gas on and blown yourself up, it seems kind of pointless now.
Moh...

 

by jes_lawson
12-29-03
...and then the gas exploded and it blew him to Kingdome Come!
That's the third time this month! What is it with you and explosions?
I dunno. I just seem to have that sort of effect. Maybe I should be the last spirit to visit our victims?
Well, the Spirit of Christmas Future and I quite like the way we don't have to do any work when you've finished, so, no.

 

by jes_lawson
1-03-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-05-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-06-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-06-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-06-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-07-04

 

by jes_lawson
1-09-04
Science Degree
How does it work?
Business Degree
How much will it cost us?
Arts Degree
You want fries with that?

 

by jes_lawson
1-11-04
OK, so ,uh...how many of you guys played Spin the Bottle when you were growing up?
YEAH!
Yeah, well, when I was a kid, a girl could either kiss you, or give you a penny.
By the time I was 15, I could afford my own apartment.

 

by jes_lawson
1-12-04
Ah'm looking fuh the man who shot mah paw.

 

by jes_lawson
1-12-04
Where the hell were you until 3am last night? And who does this bra that I found in your suit pocket belong to?
Uh-oh, busted! What I wouldn't give for some sort of unlikely distraction right about now.
AHA! It is me, Jesus!
What the...?
Yesss!

 

by jes_lawson
1-12-04
Holy shit, Santa, but have I got a bitch of a hangover! I'm never touching that reindeer piss-liquer again!
Never mind that you retard, you're a month late! Get the hell over to Essex immediatley with that box of Christmas Spirit or I'll tie you to the sleigh and fly through a tyre fire!
Boss, I think I'm not well. My heart's grown three sizes and..I'm enjoying working here!
This does not compute at all! However, a pay rise may be in order should this anomaly prove permanent
Meanwhile...
Yes, yes, I know..."Something ain't right up there..."
Forget that, I'm going to put a bet on Elvis crash landing a UFO into the White House and the Conservatives to win the next election!

 

by jes_lawson
1-14-04
Hoi! Have you got any more leads on those fish who kidnapped Gates yet?
Arr! I be not movin' a single pirate detective muscle until I gets me some undersea action with that flame haired wench!
Wait! What if we bribe the strip author, in an improbable twist of fate, to help us find Gates AND get us both laid?
Ha-harrr! I likes the cut o' yer jib! Pieces of eight for Jes_ it is! Be ye after the young asian lass, or the tentacled fiend?
Meanwhile...
But...I don't understand what I've done wrong!
Everything was going fine with this serial comic until SOMEONE broke the fourth wall! You'll hang for this, Lawson!

 

by jes_lawson
1-15-04
Let me see it...wow! It's swollen to twice its normal size!
Impressive, isn't it? Ahh! Be careful...it's very sensitive now!
And...my God! The end's as fat as a plum! How did you say you did this?
Let's just say the internet played a part. Now, kiss it.
Eurgh! There is no *way* I'm putting your disgusting bruised toe anywhere *near* my face!
Aw, c'mon! I feel bad enough having knackered myself recreating that aikido move I saw on-line. It's not like I was asking for a blow-job...

 

by jes_lawson
1-15-04
Later, Wendy's got a cute little story about racketeering she wrote all be her pretty little self, didn't you Wendy-Woo?
Hrmph! And bizzare rumours of unexplained ironic teleportation events in the region...
Uh...after these messages...

 

by jes_lawson
1-20-04
The plan's working like a dream. The cops are baffled, and I just picked up the bearer bonds! Nothing can stop us now!
Eejit! You forgot to ask how many bearer bonds buys a Big Mac and fries!

 

by jes_lawson
1-20-04
The plan's working like a dream. The cops are baffled, and I just picked up the bearer bonds! Nothing can stop us now!
AHA! It is Me! Jesus!
Well, shit...

Showing page 9.

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