All comics by Culturejamming

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by Culturejamming
10-05-02
Clint's hobby is to annoy people in Im
I wonder who I should mess with today?
Any hard horny guys out there?
Usualy he acomplishes this by fist making the freaks think he is trying to talk dirty to them
Yes I am hard. I am hard like a monkey, sugarbritches
This is too easy
This is too easy
i'll bet you are a dirty monkey....I'd like to spank your monkey...blah blah blah blah

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
It's a letter from my ex. Aparently she just wrote to tell me how much better her life is without me.
Why do I have such terrible luck with women?
for one you drink far too much, also 90% of the women you are interested in are lesbians, and you are not as good looking as you think you are.
Thanks you have made me feel much better
... plus all of your cynical sarcastic remarks... and all of your jokes about death. Maybe you would be better off if you found some goth chick that would find this stuff endearing

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
What's wrong, Clint? It's nearly dark out and you haven't even started drinking
People are thowing away their whole lives just to have "nice things"
What kind of world is this? Consumer culture has reduced us all to products. We roll right off assembly lines just like the cars and clothes we use to express our "Individuality"
I know people who sleep as much as 10 hours a day becasue of the stress of their jobs. After they get ready for work and drive the round trip that leaves them with 3 hours of real life per day.
What do you sugest we do about it?
Screw it. Pass me a bottle.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Hello Paul, It is I the master of all!
Holy cow a burning bush!
I command you to give all of your worldly posessions over to your friends and thou shalt have treasure in heaven. NOW GO!
You realize we're going to hell for that prank don't you?
Yhea, but what are you going to do?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Our hero Clint is met with a dilemma. Should he follow the advice of his friend and date a goth girl?
y'arrr I like goth girls it's like halloween all year round. Also ALL goth girls are into kiny sex even if they only do it to make themselves seem more "different"
Evil Clint you are only thinking of yourself as usual. Not only will have to be seen with her eventualy she will expect to go to your family functions
Not only that but if you pursue a relationship with someone just becasue you know you can manipulate their weaker will you will only end up hurting them.
That is the beautiful thing about goths, they have to act depressed all of the time so I'd actualy be doing her a favor, by hurting her!

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Clint has found a goth girl and "hooked up with her" He is now stuck in Evil Clint mode the whole time she is around
After I get done putting on all my white face makeup we can go to the coffee shop. I told Thumper and Skull and Stardancer I might meet them there
Please shut up
Or we could go to the library and hiss at the old ladies or we could practice some magik...
My god she never shuts up and never says anything worth hearing! Why don't I throw her out of here right now?
Or we could stay here and I could tie you up and ride you like the naughty pony you are until the sun comes up
I think I remember now

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I haven't seen Clint in a while
Well, It's pretty funny actualy. I was making fun of him and somehow he got it in his head he should go date a goth girl
And?
Well he found one
That makes sense I've always thought he might be a closet goth anyway
It would explain a lot. Do you think he's just too lazy to wear all the accesories and makeup?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Sally sees something on the TV that reminds her of Clint
Clint thinks this commercial is halarious. I wonder how he is doing
Do you feel depressed? Losing interest in things you once loved?
Hey Clint what have you been up to?
I'm tied up in front of the computer right now
Allright I'll let you go then
No I mean the crazy bitch tied me up and won't let me go. I've been typing messages all day with my nose. Please come over.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I'm worried about this "Relationship" of yours, Clint
You worry about everything, Sally
Look at you though. She beat your ass and left you tied up in a trashcan
You think everything is a bad idea. Remember the woman from the internet I wanted to meet? You said that THAT was a bad idea too.
Sadly enough part of this strip is based on my real life
Clint she stalked you for a month online and then got a job where you work
Exactly. Had I not met her I wouldn't have that story to tell. Also you have no idea what being stalked does for your self esteem.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Remind me what we were doing, Clint
When I was trapped in my basement all that time I vowed that I would get revenge against that goth girl that abandoned me
Last night we came up with the ultimate plan somewhere at around when we opened the second case. It has to do with us coming here with hammers
You don't remember what it was either do you?
No, but I am sure it was good

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Hey, Clint you weren't where I left you when I came back for seconds. What gives?
I can't believe you think you havew the right to ask me a question like that after how you left me helpless.
Oh, it's only play and you love it
What if there had been a fire? I could have been killed
Chalk up yet another victory for evil Clint
Look you little slut, if you are at my house in 1 hour I will show you the meaning of the word fire. I expect to find you naked and kneeling by the bed when I get home.
Y'ARRR! An hour it is!

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
That was great Clint. I am just going to ask you to wait in here while I make a phone call
Sure why not?
The door slams shut. Clint notices he is not alone in the room
I don't like the looks of this. Say how long have you been here?
It feels like two thousand years
Say, do you want me to get you down? I have a claw hammer
By the holy father yes! I'm so sore I feel like I was dead for three days!

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Well I'll Be damned. We got a newbie in here
What do you mean?
Well it isn't often Mistress RavenWing picks up a new toy
What do you mean?
Clint isn't very smart for hours after he has been with a woman
I mean you are going to be forever like the rest of us
What do you mean?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I need to figure out how to get out of here
I told you we would end up in trouble
Y'arr you're a sniveling landlubber.
A fine mess you got us into here, Evil Clint
Answer me this, did we get the booty or did we not get the booty?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Clint are you in there?
Yes! Come get me out!
Now come on run!
Man I'm really going to get hell over this when I take her out to dinner on saturday

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Hello, Clint I can give you anything you desire in exchange for your soul
How about you make me I charge of what happens to people that go to hell, now including myself of course
You can't have that
So you get my soul when I die if I make a deal with you, huh? How about you make me some kind of immortal superwizzard?
Damn you are obnoxious, this is precisely why you can't get normal girls to date you
*Sniff sniff* *sob*

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I am the great Cthulhu
I am a japaneese schoolgirl
I am Satan
I am Jesus
I am fire
Your mom is a whore

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I'm tired of you always making fun of me , Clint
What are you talking about?
You're always calling me dumb and I'm tired of it
Did you think I was serious? I only make fun of you becasue I respect you. Like all brothers do. Now put down the machete
Gosh I never knew you felt that way.
Friggin retard

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I'm tired of looking so androgenous. I have invented a machine to change my appearance
I don't think this is a good idea
How do I look?
You don't want to know

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Well this is just great. I was tired of looking like a sexless being and now I look like a gay 15 year old
Maybe you should quit while you are ahead
No way
Not a damned word
I didn't say anything

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Bills bills bills. I swear I am not going to be able to afford to go out on a date or go to a bar ever again
Y'aarrrrr AHOY, Clint! I'm your Id, kid and I'm turning in my 2 week notice
You are a part of me, you can't quit
I can and will if you don't go to the liquor store right now.
Well, if it will keep you from quitting I have no choice do I?
Buy some pornography while you are there.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
We have arrived at the destinationn, Xanthor
Excelent, Algore. Now we can begin our conquest and enslavement of the human race.
I will attempt to locate an earthling no one will miss if he is gone for a couple of earth rotations
Excelent Algore, we will find out what makes these creatures tick
I have located one and I am beaming it aboard. Its earth name is Clinton
For some reason that name seems very comforting, Algore

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Hello earthman, we have traveled far to find you and learn about you
I can dig it
It is our plan to dominate the world and enslave your people
Kind of like that Porno for Pyros song "Pets". Whatever though we were only messing things up anyway
Ha! If you are indcative of the typical earthling we will conquor your planet with ease!
Brother, I'm not your typical anything. Do you have those little bottles of booze like on the airplane? Getting beamed into a spaceship always makes me thirsty.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
To learn more about your people I am going to give you a series of tests
Cool, man. I always do very well on tests
Not that kind of test. Physical tests. The first test is an anal probe
no way there bug eye no one probes my anus.
Resistance is futile
Well there was that one time in Atlantic city with the crazy showgirl. ALso the time in Utah wih Cheryl. Tell you what you scare up a few of those little bottles of rum and I'll see what I can do.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Allright earthling no more foolishness. Drop your pants and bend over for the probe or I will vaporize you
Man with a gun is always right
Now spread them
Oh, say can you see? By the dawn's early light,
Ughh I hate my job

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Do you aliens have genitals like earth people? Do you fly your ship through normal space or do you cheat somehow to cover more ground? Do you get our tv signals out there? What is your favorite show
Do you ever get lonely in space? Do aliens drink alcohol? If so can I have some? What kind of feul does this ship use? Do you have pop singers on your planet? Do aliens have porno?
I really really hate my job
If so does your porn tend to be more visual or plot driven? Do you have pets? Can I be in a zoo on your planet with any earth female of my choice? Can I have one of those hamster exercise wheels?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Please stop talking.
No way this is the coolest thing ever. I get to meet someone from outer space with super technology
I will use this
Chill out, What's next do I have to pee in a cup or something?
My brother in law had a nice comfy desk job for me, but noooo I had to go see the universe
You never did answer me about those little bottles of rum.... with cranberry cocktail if at all possible please

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Humans honestly need this think called rum to live. You must get some for me soon.
Algore, beam this thing back to where you found it
Let us never speak of this planet or these earth people again
They are far too erratic to ever make good slaves, let's go home

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
What are you doing today, Clint?
I'm going to put another nail in my brain.
What is it with you and putting nails in your brain?
Everywhere I look I see unecessary products and the poloution that is a by-product of their manufacture. I see People swerving across the road in giant SUVs getting 14 mpg while talking on their cell
Trying to numb the pain?
No I'm trying to kill the part of my brain that makes me know better.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
I have an idea that might keep your mind off the imperfections of capitolismthat doesn't involve brain damage
What's that, Jen?
Follow me home
Ok
ANOTHER cell door slams shut
Make yourself comfortable. I'm going to go get a drink. Be right back.
Why do I never see this coming?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
So let me get this straight. You want to lock me in here to keep me as a love slave and a personal maid?
Yes
And the catch is?
The catch is you can never have contact with anyone from the outside world, not even your family.
I still don't get what the catch is.

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
So here we are again
Aye
Oh Clint? I'm going to need you to come in here and paint my toenails for me. If you do a good job you will get a reward...
so how do you propose we escape this time?
Escape?

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Clint I've decided to set you free for a few days.
I don't understand
You are a beautiful thing, like a bird. I feel wrong to keep you caged up. If you love something set it free. I will be counting the moments until you return to me.
That's fine and all, but do you have to "set me free" in the middle of the desert?
It wouldn't be much of a challenge if I dropped you off at your house now would it? Now hurry up and start making your way back to me before you die of sunstroke!
I'll never understand women

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Hello how are you today?
I'm so sure you just said hello, that is so like 1992. You must be some kind of fag that loves to get slapped in the face with dick.
I don't understand how people older than 14 can still use the whole gay insult thing. If I were gay I wouldn't care, becasue I would be gay. Since I am not I still don't care becasue I am not gay.
In fact I have noticed that it is mainly the kids that had a hard time in highschool that get hung up on this sort of thing. Breathe deep. Let it go.
Fag

 

by Culturejamming
10-06-02
Hello
Tech support how can I help you?
Yes i am having problems getting the tendrils of your program out just using the uninstall sheild
well if you knew how to properly use the uninstall sheild maybe it would work the right way.
Dude, I'm sorry some guy like me beat you up in high school but could you please just do your damned job?

 

by Culturejamming
10-08-02
In the practical art of war, it is best to take the enemy's country whole and intact
I'm sorry that I fell asleep on you last night while we were talking
Come on why won't you talk to me?
Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.
Oh, ok I'm really sorry what can I do to make it up to you?
You can start by painting my toenails. After that we are going to go get your nipples pierced. After we're done with that you can cook me dinner, and then I will decide what I want you to do

 

by Culturejamming
10-08-02
One who knows the enemy and knows himself will not be in danger in a hundred battles.
What do you want to do tonight?
I thought we could go see that movie you've been talking about. It looks like something I might enjoy.
One who does not know the enemy but knows himself will sometimes win, sometimes lose.
What do you want to do tonight?
Perhaps a little dinner, candlelight and some "us" time.
One who does not know the enemy and does not know himself will be in danger in every battle.
What do you want to do tonight?
Yarrr, I don't know whatever ye wanna do is good fer me arrrr

 

by Culturejamming
10-09-02
Why are there so many freaks on the internet? There is so much stuff online about diaper fettish and all that icky stuff
I don't think that the people online are demographicly any different than offline people. I think the freedom of the anonymity of the internet allows people to feel free enough to say whatever
Then how come all you talk about is goth girls and goofy bs?
you don't think I might be...halfway normal do you?
I wouldn't worry about that too much
You had me worried there for a second. Hey Let's make signs that say will make signs for food and hang out at a stoplight!

 

by Culturejamming
10-11-02
So anyway things didn't work out well with the goth girl.
It is usualy a bad sign when two of your friends have to rescue you from your girlfriend on two seperate occasions
Why is it that every woman I meet is either gay, commited, or crazy?
Perhaps you should try an online personal ad
Clint goes into full tantrum mode
NO ! NO ! NO! Blarrg! woo nargle geee! Snort! Pound grr hate!
Did you ever think that they might be telling you they were lesbians so you would go away?

 

by Culturejamming
10-13-02
The complete experience of being is complicated. In the absence of pain, pleasure is hollow.
So you are saying life is like a box of chocolates, eh Forrest?
No not like chocolates at all. If bite that yucky one with the pink stuff in it you can just spit it out.
YOu can spit it out but that awfull filling coats your mouth and makes the next chocolate taste bad.
Then you eat every chocolate in the next box like there is a bomb in it waiting to go off in your mouth. I guess life is like a box of chocolates after all.
I would thank you for listening to me, but sarcasm often seems to be lost on you.

 

by Culturejamming
10-13-02
*sigh* I'm simultaiously angry and sad and happy and upset and confused.
When was the last time you got some?
Depends on how you define sex. where is the line that equals sex? Is it sex as soon as there is intimate contact? Does there have to be penile penetration?
The other Clinton says that hummers don't count.
What about dry humping followed by mutual masterbation is that sex?
If you are grasping at that straw let's just say too long.

 

by Culturejamming
10-13-02
So you think I will never acheive my perfect state of being unless I am getting regular sex?
Pretty much, yes
So you think it is impossible for a human being to live a happy and fullfilled life without being paired up with another person?
Wait wait, back that truck up I never said anything about partnering up with another person in a meaningfull kind of way. As soon as you find your balance again you'll be able to pick up chicks again
You you're saying that as soon as I get back on my feet I'll be able to get girls again, but to get on my feet I need to get some girls?
Like a snake eating it's own ass isn't it?

 

by Culturejamming
10-13-02
Sometimes I wonder about the moral implications of pornography.
What moral implications would those be?
I like looking at porn, but most of the women are doing porn to feed drug habbits or becasue they think it's going to make them feel loved. The suicide rate for porn starlets is incredibly high.
So my carnal drive is creating an industry that is killing these women. My own penis is killing beautiful young women.
Man that is the hottest thing I've ever heard. You should look at this.

 

by Culturejamming
10-13-02
Who are you?
I am your spirit of adventure. I have returned to you after a long vacation.
You're the one that got me to drop out of school, get married, move to the other side of the country and do all that stuff that set me back so far that I will be 27 by the time I get my BA right?
YUP! that's me WHEEEEE!!!
I'll give you a three second running head start. It will be more sporting that way.

 

by Culturejamming
10-15-02
Clint it's hard for me to forsee any relationship between you and I as long as you openly mock my faith with your sarcastic comments
It's hard for me not to mock a religion based around magick powers
No matter how you feel about it my religion it is very imortant to me, and it makes me angry when you say bad things about it.
It just seems kind of silly to me to believe in something that can't be proven. Isn't that why you think that Christians are silly?
Evil Clint 1 Good Clint 0
We worhip naked and afterwards have cakes and ale
So, would they expect me to bring anything?

 

by Culturejamming
10-15-02
I have heard of [sucessful] military campaigns that were clumsy but swift,
Hey babe, wanna get drunk and screw?
Sounds like fun
I have never seen military campaigns that were skilled but protracted.
Blah blah blah I am the coolest guy in the world blah blah blah. So what I was wondering is if maybe I could give you a call sometime?
Leave me alone
Therefore, if one is not fully cognizant of the dangers inherent in doing battle, one cannot fully know the benefits of doing battle.
Come on babe don't be so frigid
Time for the pepper spray

 

by Culturejamming
10-15-02
Ha Ha! My greatest work to date! Now I will have someone with whom to debate things that will give me logical feedback rather than making emotional judgements about everything I say
Now to turn it on for the first time.
Get your hands off me. Where am I. YOu look like a jackass. I mock you and everything you believe in. I hope you die very soon.
That will teach me not to use an AI program froma warez site.
I feel so alone... hold me

 

by Culturejamming
10-15-02
I thinkyou failed to properly lubricate my neck rollers. It feels a bit stiff.
Say it.....
Say what?
Oil.... can
I hate you soooo much

 

by Culturejamming
10-15-02
I'm not sure I feel alright about letting a powerfull machine like you run around with a neurotic AI program
So you're just going to pull the plug and I will cease to exist? He who creates life may take it then I assume?
I have not yet decided that you are indeed alive.
I should crush you like the bug you are. I am the superior life form here.
You know that I know where your off switch is don't you?
I love you. Why do you hate me?

 

by Culturejamming
10-15-02
What is your problem, Clint? All you do is hang around the garage and drink beer.
You complain you can never meet anyone but the only human contact you have is that of the people that come to visit, or the people from work whom you hate.
You're right I should quit my job.
I don't know why I bother talking to you anymore.

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