All comics by IHMAWTD

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by IHMAWTD
2-02-05
So, uh, what's my motivation in this scene?
Well, you're a psychopathic, maniac, serial murderer whose method is to use common kitchen utensils as murder weapons. I am your love interest.
Ok, right. So what's my weapon of choice?
A spatula.
A what?!
And...ACTION!

 

by IHMAWTD
2-02-05
C'mon, dude. A spatula?
I mean, what am I going to do to her? Flip her over to death?
Curtis...
Don't make me get out from behind the camera.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-02-05
"And...ACTION!"
Mary Anne, before we get down to business, I have something to say. You see, my love, I came here to kill you. But I just can't.
*psst* Curtis...
My love for you knows no bounds. Not even I, the most despicable murderer on the planet, can kill you with this spat-
*psssst!* Curtis!
"CUT!"
WHAT?!
Your fly is open.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-03-05
Hey, Curtis, you wanna go grab a bite to eat after the shoot?
Dude, my eyes are up here.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-03-05
"Scene 8. Take 21. ACTION!"
Oh, Rex, honey! You've taken your mask off for me! That proves to me that you're more than just a cold-hearted killer. Tell me. Tell me you love me!
I love your boobs.
QUIT STARING AT THEM!

 

by IHMAWTD
2-03-05
Listen, Curtis, if we're going to get through this scene, you're going to have to stop staring at Liz's breasts.
All right, man. I'm sorry.
It is pretty hard, though. You know how it is.
Oh, I do. Trust me. The zoom button is getting a workout.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-04-05
My car is all dirty right? So I go to the store to get some soap and some Turtle Wax.
I look at the price of the Turtle Wax and am AMAZED at it's price. I ask the store clerk next to me "Hey, why is this stuff so expensive?"
And he says, "Because they have such tiny ears."

 

by IHMAWTD
2-05-05
When I was in 4th grade, a girl I liked kissed me during recess. Immediately following the kiss, I vomited all over her brand new dress.
I then fell to the ground and started spasming uncontrollably. I told her I was suffering an incurable disease, and my reaction was not because of her. She believed me.
My name's Curtis, and I'm an actor.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-06-05
You see that promo on Fox for the new Paris Hilton show?
You mean the one where she gets sprayed with liquified shit?
Yeah.
Yeah. 'Course I'd rather have her sprayed with .50-caliber machine gun bullets.
Tipped with liquified shit.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-08-05
I just can't cry today, Bob. It's just not happening.
Foot, meet knee.
Hey! That hurt! *sniff*
Thanks, Curtis.
No prob.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-09-05
What's the matter, Liz?
I don't think my agent likes me.
Why?
I asked him to shop around for some scripts to improve my career.
And?
So far I've got five Cinemax After Hours scripts, three episodes of Blues Clues, and a video game movie directed by Uwe Bolle.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-09-05
You think your agent could hook me up with one of those Cinemax movies?

 

by IHMAWTD
2-10-05
You know, I don't think this Cleopatra remake Bob has been telling us about is such a good idea?
Why not?
Well for one thing...
He has re-cast Elizabeth Taylor in the lead role.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-12-05
Penis penis penis.
Poop.
Inappropriate narraration.
My head hurts. Fart penis poop.
Poop ass. Vagina.
Ass penis poop fart. Bitch.
PENIS!!!!11!!!!1!1one

 

by IHMAWTD
2-13-05
Oh shit. I forgot my line.
Captain, this is the security control panel. All security measures must be okayed through this computer.
I guess I'll just say the first thing that comes to my mind. That usually works.
Over here we have the force field generator. Now that the tour is over, what was that intel you wanted to share with me?
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geicko.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-18-05
Why don't blind people like you ever sky dive, Murray?
'Cause it scares the dog.

 

by IHMAWTD
2-28-05
Oh hey! I remember this day! Remember it Curtis? *giggle* Remember?
Mary Anne, before we get down to business, I have something to say. You see, my love, I came here to kill you. But I just can't.
*sigh*
My love for you knows no bounds. Not even I, the most despicable murderer on the planet, can kill you with this spatula.
Well, at least they digitally enhanced your zipper closed.
Oh honey, I love you too!

 

by IHMAWTD
8-15-05
Know any good jokes?
...but not all the way in. His son grabs the other end and starts ramming it in and out. Finally the daughter does a summersault and they all yell "TA-DA! We're the Aristocrats"
Ok dude, jokes involve the words "knock, knock" or "whadayagetwhenya" not "lubed up whiffle bats" or "shit-piss cocktail."

 

by IHMAWTD
8-25-05
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, a, start.
Hey it worked!
Ok, I'm back from the dead and all, but I can't feel the left side of my body.
Let me guess, you forgot to press B.

 

by IHMAWTD
8-30-05
What's this button do, Sir?
Pressing that button will cause time to completely stop, thereby causing the entire universe to collapse on itself.
"WINDSHIELD WIPERS ACTIVATED"
You're fired.

 

by IHMAWTD
8-30-05
Well folks, today it's going to be 70 degrees. Then it's going to be 30 degrees and raining. Then it's going to be -10 degrees (-23 windchill), then it's going to shoot up to 100 degrees.
Make sure to bring along an extra sweater, some sunscreen, an umbrella, and your winter boots today.
You know. The usual.

 

by IHMAWTD
9-01-05
Hey man, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.
Dude, you have to give me time to guess.

 

by IHMAWTD
9-06-05
Name's Leonard. Have we met?
Yes. I am your cop friend trying to get at a bag of drug money inside of a car whose former owner you killed thinking it was the man who killed your wife.
Name's Leonard. Have we met?

 

What the fuck?
Seriously.
by IHMAWTD, 9-12-05

 

$$$. $$$$$, $$$ $ $$$$$$ $ $$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $.
$$$! $$$$, $$$$ $$ $$ $$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $ $$ $$.
by IHMAWTD, 10-07-05

 

by IHMAWTD
10-10-05
So I asked my friend the other day, "Hey man, you know how to make a dead baby float?" He says, "No man, how?" I says, "You take your foot off it's head."
Nothing?

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