All comics by 1nvictus

 

out of town guest by 1nvictus 5-23-09
So this chick's friend from out of town came to visit, really horny to fuck her. She's not feeling it w/ this person, so she gives the "I'm having my period" excuse.	The guest says, "it's cool hon, I wanna earn my reeeeeeed wiiiiinnnggggsss! WAHOOOO!"	She looks over to me, mortified, like, eeeek help me.

 

atm inside by 1nvictus 5-23-09
So we went out for breakfast. The restaurant had a sign in the window: "atm inside". Man that's great, better than a byob place. So I bent her over the table and started fucking her in the ass.	Then I pulled out and stuck my cock in her mouth. The other customers were looking at me like wtf. I didn't see anybody else getting busy, so I started wondering what was up.	The manager came up and asked us to leave. I pointed to the sign, and he pointed to an automated teller machine. Oops.

 

illegal by 1nvictus 5-23-09
So I was sitting at a red light with my right turn signal going. There was a "no right turn on red" sign. Dude behind me honks. Wtf he wants me to blow through the red light?!	So I reached down and grabbed the tire iron I keep by my feet, then I jumped out and confronted him.	"Quit trying to make me do illegal stuff, man," I yelled as I broke out his headlights and grill. "The sign says no turn on red!"

 

grrr coal by 1nvictus 5-23-09
So there was fucking coal in my stocking this morning. Man wtf, how dare he do that. I knew where he was too, the fucker has been panhandling in front of Jewel.	So I went over there and knocked his old, bellringing ass out. His head snapped back, and a bunch of coins spilled out of his kettle.	So I scooped up the dinero and went in and bought some shit to fill my stocking properly. Man that old fucker better hook me up right next time.

 

calling card by 1nvictus 5-23-09
so i showed my girl a link to a place where you could get business cards made out of beef jerky.	she was really offended. she's a vegetarian, and so the idea of business cards made out of meat was abhorrent to her.	I was like, you weren't complaining last night when I left my calling card on your belly. you suck!

 

no limits by 1nvictus 6-09-09
Does anybody else ever get this? I'm topping this person, and he said he had no limits. So I nail his scrotum to some plywood.	The next day, he updates his profile to list "getting my scrotum nailed to plywood" as a hard limit.	I'm like, wtf dude, make up your mind!

 

sliders by 1nvictus 6-13-09
white castllllllleeee Lol sliders are awesome. But they made me queasy when I first ate them	It would usually hit me as I pulled out of the cashier, I mean parking lot

 

thomas by 1nvictus 7-11-09
When my epididymis is achin' for evacuation, that's when I reach for my Thomas the Tank Engine limited edition Fleshlight.	I love the shiny blue exterior, the surprised look on his face, and how snugly that little mouth fits.

 

crying @ funeral by 1nvictus 7-15-09
So we were at a funeral yesterday. Some high school grad died in a car crash. Pretty fucking tragic for a young life, full of promise, to be snuffed out. The religious emcee or whatever was up front giving some speech, and he was acting like a fucking primadonna. Yeah, like "look at me, I can talk like a televangelist, I can wave my arms"	I gotta say he had the whole weird, affected, inappropriate JEE-zuss thing nailed pretty well. And it was completely repellent/offensive to us. We were like, this shit has got to go.	So I walked up front, and as he was yelling "and ah buh-LEEEEEEVE the WORRRRRD of the LAWWWWWWD!" I pepper sprayed the motherfucker. Tears were streaming down his face. I nodded and said, "there you go, everybody should be crying at a funeral."

 

attached at the genitals by 1nvictus 7-15-09
"I'm attached at the genitals to Daddy. The staples itch and people stare, but I wouldn't have it any other way" Now that sounds hot, right? Only she lives in OK, and he lives in OH	Dude must be seriously hung. And so this would prolly have been on the news by now. So I'm thinking this is maybe not so literal.

 

road rage, lullabies by 1nvictus 1-31-10
I have a road rage problem, so I decided to get some soothing music playing when I drive. I got a tape of lullabies. So far the most soothing one is Away in a Manger: "and staaaayyyyyy by my craaaadle 'till I grow up and get a cluuuuueeeeee".	Anyway, so then I'm behind this driver, the light has turned green and he's still not moving. So I get out and open his door, "WTF dude, are you listening to lullabies too?! Wake up and drive!"	No music, but he's got his cock out and there's some sports news shit on his radio. He's like, "Please, sir, I was just trying to squeeze one off before the light changed, and the baseball scores came on. It slowed me down. You know, thinking about baseball and shit."

 

dunkin donuts by 1nvictus 4-11-10
I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered a jelly donut. Sat down and rammed my cock into the filler hole. It gushed red and I pretended I was popping its cherry. Ahh man but that granulated sugar shit was scratching up my junk.	I went back up to the counter and told the dude that it was no good, lemme try one of those Boston cremes. Went back to the table and started tapping that shit. It was decent, nice and slick.	But then some bitch started freaking out and grabbed her kid and left. That distracted me, and then the dude from the counter came over and started hassling me. Totally killed my boner.

 

Fluff

I invited a buddy to help out at a gangbang I'm setting up. He said thanks, but he's having e.d. problems. I told him no problem, I was wanting him to fluff anyway. He didn't think that was funny.

by 1nvictus, 12-11-11

 

Noise by 1nvictus 12-19-11
I had to knock on the downstairs neighbors' door the other day. I told them to please turn down their music, we can barely hear the moans of the girl on the mattress in the dining room getting fucked.	They were like, what are you doing up there? You can't do that, we'll call the cops.	I said, there's a cop up there already, his wife is fluffing him. He'll come down & write you up for noise disturbance when he's done, ok.

 

Noise by 1nvictus 12-19-11
I had to knock on the downstairs neighbors' door the other day. I told them to please turn down their music, we can barely hear the moans of the girl on the mattress in the dining room getting fucked by the rest of my guests.	They were like, what are you doing up there? You can't do that, we'll call the cops.	I said, there's a cop up there already, his wife is fluffing him. He'll come down & write you up for noise disturbance when he's done, ok.

 

Smell my finger

So chicks are all, ”mmm my fingers smell like my pussy”. I went up to my girl holding out my finger, saying, ”mmm my fingers smell like my sweaty balls” & she was like, ”ewww!” Wtf is tha

by 1nvictus, 3-25-12

 

Smell my fingerrrrr

So chicks are all, ”mmm my fingers smell like my pussy”. I went up to my girl holding out my finger, saying, ”mmm my fingers smell like my sweaty balls” & she was like, ”ewww!” wtf is that?

by 1nvictus, 3-25-12

 

Starfucking by 1nvictus 9-20-12
Banging high profile chicks is a rush, no doubt. But it sucks when you start feeling all those sharp poking pains when the girl posts about how they just got fucked harder & longer than they've ever been fucked their entire life . . .	. . . & their fans start stabbing their invictus voodoo dolls & wanting you to die.

Showing page 1.