All comics by Arboretum

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by Arboretum
5-29-16
Can I help you?
Hello. You must be Mrs. Lofting. I'm Mr. Klinzman from the Census Bureau. May I come in?
Well, there's me, my husband, and the twins: Jackie and Ray, Allan and Deb, and Tracee and Johnny.
Holy smokes! Did you get twins every single time?
No, there were hundreds of times when we didn't get anything.

 

by Arboretum
5-29-16
My dear...I'm dying. I need to know one thing before I go... is our youngest son my child?
I swear on God's holy name that he is your son.
Then I can die! *bluh*
Thank God he didn't ask about any of the other three.

 

by Arboretum
5-29-16
How'd you die?
I froze to death. What about you?
Heart attack. I thought I heard my wife sleeping with someone, but I searched the house and didn't find anyone. I felt so bad of wrongly accusing her I had an attack on the spot.
Well, geez, If you would have checked the freezer, we'd both be alive right now.

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Hey, asshole, I'm sick of your chipper attitude and happy demeanor. Let's have a race. The loser has to leave town.
Oh boy! That sounds like fun! You're a very fun person!
Shit, he's winning!
Wow! This is sure is fun!
I won! Good race.
But...I thought nice guys finished last!

 

I was walking over here, and you wouldn't BELIEVE what was all over the road! Cats!
It's a shame someone threw out all that kitty litter.
by Arboretum, 5-31-16

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Can I help you?
I'd like a blow job done on my front patio.
OH! OH! WOW!YES! YES! YES!
Was that sufficent?
Yeah! Can I buy that leaf blower now?

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Some idiot got you out of here. You're free to go.
Kate! You got me out! How'd you do it?
You know that N.W.A song...?

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Susan! What juicy gossip do you have to share with me today?
Well, I saw a really cute guy on my way over here.
No kidding! Did you fuck him?
No, I just smiled ad waved.
So you didn't cheat on your husband?
Heavens no. I'm as faithful as can be.

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Bree has just called a plumber...
Just finished with your plumbing, ma'am.
Oh no - I forgot to go to the bank! I can't pay you with money!
Well, MY plumbing's a little... clogged. Maybe you can "fix" it and we'll call it even.
Oh no, I don't know anything about plumbing! Let me bake you some cookies.
I'll eat your cookies anytime.
Great! I hope you like Snickerdoodle!

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Luke, could you please answer the next problem?
I'll try.
What is 22 + 22?
Gee, I don't know, Mrs. Olsen.
Use the fours, Luke.

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
AHHH! THE PLANE IS CRASHING!
Fitting.
WHADDAYA MEAN? WE'RE GONNA DIE!
It's ironic cause I'm listening to Paramore.
WHAT?
"All We Know is Falling." Funny, right?

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
North Atlantic Ocean, March 15th, 1912, 2:20AM...
(The sinking dosen't happen for another month. We'll be here a while.)

 

by Arboretum
5-31-16
Oh geez, I can't watch that movie. It makes me cry every time.
Meh, I liked The Black Cauldron Better.
The shooting scene always makes me laugh.
There's sadder movies than that. Do you rememer Gone With The Wind? I was only twenty when that picture came out...
Sorry I'm late. I got beat up by a mob after I told someone the shooting scene dosen't make me cry.
Wait, that movie's NOT about an elderly Chinese man?

 

by Arboretum
6-01-16
Cherry is my favorite!
Pie? Who has time to worry about pie with all this global warming going on?
No, no, no, cake is better, you imbicle.
I'm a FUCKING SKULL! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN EAT PIE?
Oh boy, I love pi! 3.141592653589...
You know, I rented that Ang Lee movie about the tiger in the rowboat but there was no pie in it...

 

by Arboretum
6-01-16
Hey, Diablo, what are the letters of the day?
"F" and "U"!
Ok kids, you heard Diablo! Repeat after me: F! U! F! U! C'mon kids, FU!
F! U! F! U!
Wait, we just got a letter from the producers. Today's letters are actually "D" and "P".
Can I get a "DP" from you kids? I know you can do it!

 

by Arboretum
6-01-16
Oh, Delmar, I can remember that last thing you said before you kicked the bucket...
Hey man, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Bad news-you have ass cancer. You only have ten seconds to live.

 

Swami Raj, what divine happenings will happen in my life in the next week? Will I finally get my dream job?
The good news is there's a stripper job opening in heaven! The bad news is you're scheduled to perform tomorrow night.
by Arboretum, 6-01-16

 

by Arboretum
6-01-16
March 2nd, 2014...
My first song is an anthem for slightly overweight girls!
Ok... I guess I can see it...
My next song is about how men always lie!
Uh....
My latest song is about how much other people want to be me!
Ok, WHAT?

 

by Arboretum
6-01-16
December 19th, 2014...
I'm a pop-rap kind of guy.
That sounds like an intresting combination. What kind of songs do you do?
I have slow ballads, like 'Earned It", straight raps like "Tell You Friends", and synth-filled 80's throwbacks like "In The Night."
Cool. What are you up too now?
Somehow making a song that name-checks a movie about inbred cannibal hillbillies a #1 hit.

 

by Arboretum
6-01-16
November 30th, 2008...
My name's Miley and I have a hot new song called 'The Climb'!
Awwww! You're adorable!
August 10th, 2009...
Me again. I want to be a little edgy, so I'm releasing a party song called "Party in the USA".
I guess that could work...
March 1st, 2013...
Which way to the "how to twerk" lessons and "how to be naked" books?
OH GOD

 

by Arboretum
6-02-16
The woods are dark and scary! I hate it in here!
You think that's bad...?
I have to walk back to the car alone!

 

by Arboretum
6-02-16
Donde esta la biblioteca?
La biblioteca esta arriba la carretera.
Luego...
Tu mentiroso, la biblioteca no esta alli.
Lo siento.
Tan dodne esta eso?
Yo no quiero conto tu.

 

by Arboretum
6-02-16
Ok... I'm turning out the lights...
Kimberly! Get over here!
Ok, Chen, come bang us!
Yeah, Chen. Let's have a three-way.
3 hours later...
Chen, you're 3 HOURS late for work! What were you doing?
Oh, I was just making a sandwich.

 

by Arboretum
6-02-16
Welcome to Hell, you old sinner.
Why does Hell look so nice?
Oh, all that fire and brimstone stuff? That's crap. Around here, we find more creative ways to torture you.
Such as...?
All our TV shows end on cliffhangers and they're all canceled after one episode.

 

by Arboretum
6-03-16
Hey man! Long time, no see! What have you been up too?
I've hooked a few girls.
Lucky! Are you seeing them all at once?
Yeah. They're inside right now.
You'd be suprised how big of a fish hook you can buy.

 

by Arboretum
6-03-16
Hey! What's up?
Not much! I-
WE INTERRUPT THIS COMIC WITH AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE: THE PRESIDENT HAS A SONG STUCK IN HIS HEAD. AT THIS TIME, THERE IS NOW WAY OF KNOWING WHAT IT IS.
IT COULD BE ANYTHING FROM LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA TO FERGALICIOUS.
WE APPRECIATE YOUR TIME SPENT HEARING THIS MESSAGE. WE NOW CONTINUE WITH YOUR REGULALRY SCHEDULED COMIC.

 

by Arboretum
6-04-16
Do you think that place has a phone?
I dunno, but I think we should go in and look.
These people.
Hello? Hello?
Is anyone here?
Don't be these people.
Should we go out there?
No, I want to see how long this goes on.

 

by Arboretum
6-04-16
Cake is more moist, flavorful, and memorable than pie.
Fine. Eat your sponges covered in overly sweet diabetes grease while I'M eating fruit in a pie shell.
Pie is healthier for you than cake!
I saw you eat half of that banana cream pie this morning. Nice try.
You never see birthday PIE!
You know what else you don't see? A HAPPY PERSON AFTER EATING MORE THAN FOUR BITES OF A CAKE.

 

by Arboretum
6-04-16
I'm telling you, it's PEE-CAN!
No, I'm pretty sure it's PICK-AHN.
"Pee-can" sounds like a hillbilly's bathroom!
I'm sure you'd LOVE someone to to serve you a PEE-CAN pie with a PICK-AHN it.
Us over here agree that it's actually pronunced "PECK-ANN".

 

by Arboretum
6-08-16
Gasp! It's the valkyrie, come to kill me for all my wrongdoings!
Oh, heavens no.
What? But I've swindled thousands of people out of millions of dollars.
Around here we just give you a hearty slap on the wrist and a warning to do better next time.
This movie sucks.

 

by Arboretum
6-08-16
How was school today, Timmy?
It was great, mom! We learned to make explosives!
Such an imagination! So what are you doing at school tomorrow?
What school?

 

by Arboretum
6-08-16
Ooooh, that girl way over there looks so hot... I wonder if she'll come this way...
What's up?
Nothing anymore.

 

by Arboretum
6-08-16
Welcome to Star Celebrity. We're lucky enough to have Mrs. Claus with us today.
Hello, all.
Let's start off on a heavy note. You said you were suffering from depression right before we began filming. Why is that?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

 

Beat it. We're closed.
by Arboretum, 6-08-16

 

by Arboretum
6-08-16
Do you know what I want for my birthday?
I like where this is going.
Here's a hint... it goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft.
I think I know what it is...
Great! I love Hubba Bubba!

 

by Arboretum
6-08-16
After that bout of...mature jokes, here's a wholsome one.
OW! DAMMIT!
What happened?
That stupid book fell on my head!
You can't say it was the bookcase's fault!
I guess you're right. I only have my shelf to blame.

 

by Arboretum
6-10-16
Jane's party is at six.
Jane is pretty at six.
Jane is pretty sick.
Jane's a gritty prick.
You're a shitty prick.
WHAT?

 

by Arboretum
6-10-16
You know, Confucius said "It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you don't stop".
Lewis Caroll said "Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end...then stop".
An old Zen proverb says, "The OBSTACLE is in the PATH".
Thomas Carlyle said "Weak eyes are fond of glittering objects". You need to stop buying all that jewlrey, Maura.
Yeah, well another Zen proverb says "When you get there, there isn't ANYTHING there."
And in the immortal words of Nicki Minaj, "You a stupid hoe. You a you a stupid hoe".

 

by Arboretum
6-15-16
City Mourge, 2:16 AM...
Gee, it's cold in here.
Shut up. I'm waiting for my autopsy.
Why are you so mean to me?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your bitching.
Godammit, Julia, you were a jerk in life, but you're even worse dead!
Well, maybe if SOMEONE would've smelled the gas leak BEFORE lighting his cigarette...

 

by Arboretum
6-16-16
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Ewww, why is it all sticky and dark-looking?
THAT'S NOT MY NORMAL HAIR....

 

by Arboretum
6-29-16
Hey what's all the ruckus?
TYE! GET BACK IN THE SHELTER! THE BOMBING DOESN'T STOP TILL 4:00!
Silly me. I always forget to set my watch backward for daylight savings.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF-

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