All comics by CousinPhil

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by CousinPhil
11-18-01
Mom, I think you should know that I hate you with everything I have. You raised me horribly and made me grow into a twisted member of society.
I'm not your mother... I'm a hooker you picked up about ten minutes ago.
Oh...
Well in that case just spank my ass, penguin lady.
That I can do!

 

by CousinPhil
11-18-01
A care-free stroll through an alley goes bad...
Hey buddy, got any spare change?
Sorry, I don't believe in handouts. You should work for your money. Now DIE!
Oh no! He's exploded!
I can't feel my knees! Oh my god! MY KNEES!
Jesus hates sinners. And poor people!
So that's a 'no' on the change then?
When you can scrape yourself off the cement and get a job, maybe Jesus will respect you, then.

 

by CousinPhil
11-18-01
A chance encounter with the son of God
Duncan McFuzzynuts, I hear that you are killing homeless people in my name. These acts are a highly atrocious crime.
But Jesus, he asked for spare change and reeked of urine and peanuts!
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." ~Proverbs 5:12
That's not from the Bible, Jesus! You're nothing but a fraud! I'm getting a new idol to worship and enforce fanatically on others!
Whizz.
Damn, I need a sandwich! I'm not thinking straight anymore. Look how I'm wasting awaaaaay.

 

by CousinPhil
11-18-01
This isn't Duncan McFuzzynuts! Where is he?
Yo! Look at dat tight bitch over there! I'm gonna make her my honey! Straight up!
Sup, bitch! You wanna be my tight ass, cop killin', ass layin', sucka punchin' hottie?
Daddy! Make him stop! He's scary (in a slightly provocative way)!
The moral: Don't be a playa. Or proposition 6-year-olds.
Get your own bitch, BITCH! She's mine, you wannabe beatnik gangter!
Hasn't this effect already been used?

 

by CousinPhil
11-22-01
The next day, at a Ku Klux Klan rally...
...And that is how minorities can be used to solve our nation's energy crisis.
Hey! It's the Grand Wizard of the KKK! I think I've found a new idol... Mr. Grand Wizard, will you teach me the way to live my life?
Sorry, son, but I'm already late to my Ethnic Awareness meeting next door. Have you tried Jesus?
Yeah, but he's nothing but a fraud.
I knew it! That fake ass starving look was just to get hand-outs. Well I knew my bag of Sour Skittles was going to a fraudulent cause.

 

by CousinPhil
11-22-01
Please, Mr. Grand Wizard! I'll work extra hard to be the best Klansman I can be!
Well... can you do a little 'sucky-sucky,' if you know what I mean?
I got the blue ribbon at my pre-school talent show!
Well then, partner, saddle up! You're about to embark on a magical trip of self-enlightenment and beating the shit of non-whities!
Your first task is to master your own self-doubt. Release your anger and breathe in the self-help. Deep breath... and release...
Why does it smell like pot?

 

by CousinPhil
11-23-01
Now that you're in the zone, I want you to close your eyes and concentrate. What is it that you truly want in this short lifetime?
This just in... Duncan McFuzzynuts has discovered the cure for genital warts! Nuns of the world are rejoicing and eskimos are rioting the Staples Center! Thank you Duncan McFuzzynuts for all the help!
What did you see?
My father...!

 

by CousinPhil
11-23-01
I'm as lost as you are...
I've gotta go find my father! He's the only one that can help me know who I am and why.
Down on the ground...
Tonight on the 7 o' clock news... "The website Chummy-beloma.com was found to be operated by a gang of dead monkeys with brain cancer."
That voice! It was my father's! Hang on dad, I'm coming to see you as soon as I get down from my high!

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