All comics by DopeJCYouthMinister

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One day in Mexico...
The mighty Chupacabra ate my basketball shorts.
There is nothing to live for!
Wow.

 

That stupid Russian joke...
Hey, man, where's the bathroom?
In communist Russian, toilet paper wipes YOU!
Shazaam!
Protect the face... protect the face...

 

Come, I shall teach you the secrets of the bull fight!
Umm... naw, I'm good.
Then one day, Billy became a malpractice lawyer and made a boat-load of money.
Now he OWNS Spain.
I weep for my country.

 

Last Tuesday... at the LAN party...
Dude, I'm so gonna frag your... uhh, dude?
Hmm?
Are you playing footsie with me?
The short answer: No.
Dude?
Will I ever know true love?

 

Last Tuesday... at the LAN party...
Yeah, eat that one, Spanky!
Whatever. I'm still gonna win.
How? I have full armor, a rocket launcher, and the hand-eye coordination of a ninja! You have a sharp pointy stick and you play like my autistic cousin! What are ya gonna do, drool on me!?
Dude, trust me...
THE DISEMBODIED ARM OF GALRON MUST HAVE ITS REVENGE!!
Dude, did you hear something?

 

Last Tuesday... at the LAN party...
Prepare for an endless eternity of PAIN! Your soul is my play thing! I'll throw it against the wall like one of those super bouncy balls! It'll be very very uncomfortable! I'll eat your face!
Awww crap, I'm late for bingo. Ted! Yo! Take over for me, will ya?
Uhhh... I'll... ummm... eat your face... OOHHHH!!!
Heard it.

 

Last Tuesday... at the LAN party...
OK, so it didn't work out as planned.
No, no it didn't. Not at all.
Sorry, kid. I was off my game there. So... uhhh... you still owe me that twenty bucks, so if you'll just be payin' up I've got a bingo game to catch...
No. No you stupid stupid disembodied arm.
What? You son of a... uhhh... GALRON MUST HAVE HIS REVENGE! GALRON DEMANDS TWENTIES!!
Shut up. Just... shut... up.

 

Last Tuesday... after the LAN party...
WHAT?!
Seriously, the kid won't pay up.
Douche.
Super douche.
So... wanna get some pie?
Sure.

 

Meanwhile, somewhere else...
Start with heavy artillery fire! Damn the torpedoes! Take no prisoners! Take tanks! Lots of them! Firebomb the embassy! Watch for Charlie in the bushes!
Keep your flanks covered! Watch for tripwire! So what if Charlie took your leg?! Suck it up you damn pansy! Entrails everywhere! Blood! Leave no man behind!
Dad, I'm getting married, not fighting in Vietnam.
There's a difference?

 

After the marriage...
You know back there? When I said 'I do'?
Umm, I really didn't mean it. Seriously, I don't even like you. At all. I'd rather marry that foot stool over there? See it? Right behind you. Isn't it ugly?
... Can I cry now?
Suck it up you damn pansy!

 

After the after the marriage...
... So, I didn't get left at the altar. I got left after the altar. Kinda hurts, really. Well, at least I have you Buddy! Good 'ol Buddy!
It'll be different from now on! We'll do everything together! Play ball together... watch movies together...
Sweet Jesus, give me the strength...
... Sleep together...

 

Yo Buddy! Back here, chief!
Jesus?
Yeah, we just got your request for... what was that... oh yeah, 'the strength'. Sorry, kid, we're backed up right now. Try again, oh, next year.
But... but...
Blasphemy!
I hate you, Jesus.
Good news, Bud! Found the spatula!

 

Somewhere in Mexico...
So, you're a Mexican squirrel, right?
No.
You're a squirrel. Right?
Yeah.
Oh, SNAP!
And you live in Mexico, right? Ergo, Mexican squirrel!
Your mother doesn't love you.

 

Somewhere in Mexico...
I'm a Mexican stick figure!
Um, I'm gonna go with a big 'no' on that one.
You don't even speak Spanish.
Unsere Liebe hat die Magie verloren!
Vierzig sieben Speckschlauchsocken sind hinter Ihrem Eiskasten!
Nice try, skank-muffler.

 

Meanwhile, at the Super Jesus Pals' secret Nazareth hideaway...
Wonder twin powers activate!
Wonder twin powers activate!
Form of... A KILLER ROBOT!
Shape of... A SOCK PUPPET!
Time to fight some crime. YEE HAW!
... sock puppet?!
OK, ok, I choked...

 

My chances of getting laid:
uhhh....
ummm.....
Goddamnit.
Hungry? Want some Oreos? OK, lemme check there for ya... ummm... oh wait, NO! A-hahaHAHA!!

 

Kneel down to my biting satire!
I'm George Bush and I'm a retard! DUUURRR!!
Seig

 

Biting Political Commentary!
I'm George Bush! I'm stupid! DUURRRR!!
Seig Heil! I'm John Ashcroft! I want to rape your wife and your household pets!
I'm L. Ron Hubbard! I eat babies!
Please don't eat me!
Pure Comic Gold!
More like writer's block.
Shut up!

 

An Anti-Drug message from John Ashcroft!
Kids, I'm here today to talk to you about Marijuana. Marijuana is very very bad. Seriously.
I knew a kid who smoked pot once. He Got severe headaches, stomach aches, and started to bleed out of his anus. He ended up dying. You don't wanna die, do ya?
Wait a sec, pot smoking? That sounds like ebola to me...
Close enough.

 

Here's John Ashcroft again with another anti-drug message!
Kids, I'm here today to tell you that Marijuana is bad! I don't smoke pot! Don't you want to be more like me?
I knew a kid who was addicted to pot once! He kept on hitting black kids with baseball bats! He also hated the Jews! You don't want to be like that, do ya?
What? Aren't you confusing 'pot smoking' with 'hate crimes'?
You need to get addicted to some SHUT THE HELL UP.

 

Some more anti-drug knowledge from John Ashcroft!
Marijuana is BAD! It'll make the streets run red with the blood of the unclean! It'll rape your children with red-hot pokers!
It'll ascend from the bowels of the underworld to wreak havoc upon your soul! It'll punch your mother in the face! Really hard!
Marijuana? Don't you mean 'The Dark Lord Satan'?
Seriously, man. Give credit where it's due.
I hate all of you.

 

Back at the Secret Nazareth Hideout...
OK, ok, explain to me again WHY you transformed into a sock puppet....
Well, y'know, because you're not supposed to hit sock puppets.
Uh, no. You're not supposed to hit people with glasses.
OK, what if I put on a pair of glasses. Yeah! I could balance 'em on my thumb...
Next episode: EVIL!
I'f you don't shut up, I'M gonna hit you...
No, no, wait, that won't work... what if I wear contacts...?

 

Somewhere in Mexico...
Y'know, I think my cousin's Mexican...
Oh, for the love of Christ... Hey, k'know when your mom was in the hospital giving birth to your sorry ass?
I guess so...
When the obstetrician told yer mom 'PUSH' he meant 'Out of your vagina', not 'Out of your ass'.
... I don't get it...
Surprise surprise.

 

Somewhere in Mexico...
Actually, I think my cousin was German....
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SON OF A...
All of the sudden, Mexico explodes...
There were no survivors...
It's a crying shame.
Not really.

 

Silenc of the Lambs: deleted scenes...
I can smell your cunt!!
Dr. Lechter...
Ahh, Clarice. I see you've met Miggs. What did he tell you?
He said "I can smell your cunt".
Ahhh. Unlike Miggs, I can't smell... *sniff sniff*... GODDAMN, bitch! What died down there?! Christ, see a gynecologist!! *gag*

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