All comics by Goat_Byte_Comics

 

When approaching Jesus Christ stay aware and prepared. You never know if he will pull one of those "holy rape" things he is always talking about.
Hi there little girl, how about helping me down...i am...umm..kinda nailed to this thing
Should i help him...or should i lick his kneecap while masturbating, i just do not know.
Hey, asian cunt, are you mute or are you just plain retarded. Get me the fuck down. I died for your parents sin, and i can tell having you was their biggest sin.
I appreciate your critism, but i am going to have to refrain from helping you down, i am not for sure if you are the real Jesus or not
At this point, you should just turn around and walk away. But be wary.
Goodbye man nailed to cross, i will call for someone to help you.
She thinks she is safe from my holy cock from that distance. Ha, she has no idea why they call me "Big John" Christ...well...umm.

 

Yo mom, think i can borrow 80 bucks for the new Star Wars Galaxies computer game.
Not unless you and your black friend with the big dick come down here and fuck me.
Dude, she said i could have the money if we both fucked her hardcore for awhile.
I figured, ain't the first time i have heard that one from your mom. Let's go do it.
Man, we need to stop borrowing money from my mom, dude.
Could i, alone, ask your mom if i can borrow lunch money for school tommorow. Heh.

 

Staring contest now, bitch.
Jesus Christ on a cracker, dude, haven't you learned that i am truly the master at staring contests
9 seconds into the staring contest
Still going strong, man?
Hell yeah, fucker, ain't nothin gonna stop me from winning...
4 seconds later
...except for the raging convulsions. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. I can't feel my dick. CAN'T FEEL MY DICK!

 

Hi little girl...would you like to buy some booze.
Why would I wanna buy booze?
It...umm...makes you feel good.
Good!? Like what kind of good?
Good, like...you would wanna be raped by a 46 year old man with a blonde beard that has a fetish for 8 year old asian girls.
Hmm...sounds good, how much?

 

...and so he said rectum damn near killed him. HAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, that was funny.
Wanna smoke some weed?
I Thought you'd never ask.

 

However did you get your dog not to jump on the couch
Well all i really did was reward him with treats whenever i made him get down
wow I had no idea you were so kind to animals
Yeah i love my babys and they love me
Your dog seems to be biting the couch
FUCKING DOG! YOU WANNA GET BEAT WITH THE FUCKING HAMMER AGAIN?!

 

HO HO HO! Hello there little girl. My, aren't you just as cute as a button. What would you like for Santa to bring you on Christmas.
Well Santa...i would really love to have a golden necklace to give to my mommy because i love her.
Wait, hold on slut. What the FUCK did you just say. GOLDEN...golden? Do you think Santa is rich. Do my reindeer shit out money, i do not fucking think so. Try again, bitch.
AAAHH i...am...i am telling mommy!
HAHAHA! YOUR MOMMY IS DEAD HAHAHAHAHA AND IT WAS EXTRODINARY! oh...um...HO HO HO! Hello there, do you want your mommy to die...well if you do, then ask me for a FUCKING GOLD NECKLACE.
I really just wanted a Malibu Barbie doll...but since my mommy grounded me yesterday...Could i have a necklace made of gold, Santa.

 

Can we...like...umm...go inside now? My nipples are so hard they could cut through a frozen dildo.
Don't you think it is amazing how many stars there are out there, hundreds of billions. And there are so many galaxies and planets that have been around for billions of years. It is truly wonderous.
I try to avoid eye contact with gays.

 

I am the Megabot 3000. Please enter a command.
Enter a command or i will be forced to wreck havoc on your world for all eternity
BRRRRING! BRRRRING!
I don't understand the BRING BRING, motherfucker. That is it...AAAAAAHHH! Whew, that thing was treatening me. Scary thing, that was.

 

...and so Satan said "I don't remember eating that!". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, dude, that was fucking funny!
Wanna go smoke some weed?
I thought you'd never ask.

 

Hello there, this is channel 12 news at 6 o'clock. Top story today...there has been a 29 car pileup on Interstate 34. There were 38 fatalities and 28 severe injuries.
I wonder if salami and ham would go good together on a sandwich, maybe with some mustard or mayo...or something.
There are many crews at the scene, but they are very underhanded. Any off duty police officer standing around watching T.V. and wondering if salami and ham would go good together, need to report in.
HAHAHAH! Unlucky bastard, whoever that cop is...HAHAHA! I am gonna take a power nap.
*sighs*...stupid motherfucker.

 

Damn, I am so friggin hungry. I could use a sandwich right about know. AAAHHH SHIT! What the FUCK?!?!
I will grant your wish and give you a sandwich...if i can have your soul. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Hey...umm...isn't that important? Don't we, like, need a soul? I don't like that deal, dude.
Oh...umm...well...geez. How about you get a sandwich and i get your left testicle.
I will take American cheese and some banana peppers on that.

 

Time for bed, Mathew. Do you want me to tuck you in Cutie-Pie.
Yo, mom. I want you to suck my hairy dick and stick a frog in your asshole, fucking bitch.
O.K., you don't have to go to bed right now. So, how was your first day of 5th grade, honey.
Well, if you call beating up 3 kids, calling in a bomb threat and raping my hot-ass science teacher good...well, i would say it went pretty damn terrific.
Now mom, if you don't shut the fuck up, I will be both brother and father to your next kid, bitch. Now get the fuck out of my room, sis is commin to my room in a minute. I am gonna fuck her, too.
O.K., sweetie, see you tommorow. Good night.

 

It is a very nice day for a little sibling jump rope.
Cinderella..dressed in yella..went downstairs to kiss a fella..made a mistake..kissed a snake..how many docters did it take..1..2..3..4..oops. I got 4, your turn, brother.
Kill my sister..Kill my sister..with a gun or maybe a knife..stab her in the eye..stab her in the neck..stab her in the breast..How many times should I stab her in the chest ..1..2..3..4..5..6..HA!
AAAAAAHHHH! SOMEONE...ANYONE! HELP ME! AAAAAAHHHHH!
WHAT!? What a sore loser. Just because I beat her she starts running away and crying for help. Geez, she does this every time.

 

I remember Grang Theft Auto Vice City, it was very addicting.
WHAT THE FUCK...DID THAT STEROID-USING GANG MEMBER JUST SHOOT ME! AW MOTHERFUCKER, YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG MAN! My health is low...I need to pick up a prostitute.
WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY!
Oh...umm...nothing, Dad, just doing my homework.
Oh yeah! I don't think school has anything to do with gang members on drugs and sexing up prostitutes...except for my 6th grade year, that was fucking weird.

 

...and so he said, "HEY MOTHERFUCKER...GET THE GRAPE JELLY AWAY FROM MY DICK, YOU FUCKING BITCH!"
HAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, that was fucki...hey wait a sec. Where did you hear that joke from, little girl...shame on you, you darn pottymouth.
Wanna smoke some weed?
I thought you'd never ask.

 

The Women's Thoughts
I hope my hair isn't messed up...I hope my shirt isn't wrinkled...oh no, my earring is gone...I need a necklace!
I hope my breath is good...O.K. I am ready...wait...my lipstick is smeared on my face a little, gotta fix that.
The Men's Thoughts...
Did I take my Nelly CD out of the car...it might have melted. IT IS FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE!
I suspect that the ESPN news anchorman is an evil leprechan and should be left dormant between my grandma's fat rolls.
...continued
I hope those four mysterious red dots on my ballsack aren't affecting the way I can open my eyes underwater!
HOLY SHIT! YOU ARE A HOT BITCH! I WILL SMEAR SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE! BOOYAH, YOU SEXY, SEXY WOMAN OF GOD! These black lines aren't going to keep me away from you, over there.

 

O.K., here is the proposition.
Lay it on me, man.
Would you have sex with me for 10 minutes, if you could fuck the hottest girl in the world for a half an hour?
WHOA...dude...that is gross...
...would I HAVE to fuck the girl?

 

O.K., you little prick of a son, it is about time i teach you that your father will always be superior to the offspring. ARM WRESTLE, BITCH...READY...GO! HAHAH...oh shit...what the fu...SHIT!
...O.K, that was purely a fluke. But how many times have you had sex, son...see, that's what I thou...HOW MANY TIMES!?! JESUS CHRIST! HA HA! Won't happen again.
...O.K, that was purely a fluke. But how many times have you had sex, son...see, that's what I thou...HOW MANY TIMES!?! JESUS CHRIST! HA HA! Won't happen again, so...
...whip it out , son. 'Cause if there is one thing that a father will have over the son...it is cock sizes. There was an old saying tha...AAAAAAHHHH! HOW LONG AGO DID THIS HAPPEN?

 

O.K., you little prick of a son, it is about time i teach you that your father will always be superior to the offspring. ARM WRESTLE, BITCH...READY...GO! HAHAH...oh shit...what the fu...SHIT!
O.K, that was purely a fluke. But how many times have you had sex, son...see, that's what I thou...HOW MANY TIMES!?! JESUS CHRIST! HA HA! Won't happen again, so...
...whip it out , son. 'Cause if there is one thing that a father will have over the son...it is cock sizes. There was an old saying tha...AAAAAAHHHH! HOW LONG AGO DID THIS HAPPEN?

 

Hey, what's going on.
Nothin. Can I make you a bet that my Grandpa Bill tought me?
Well...o.k...I guess you can, but make it quick.
Sure. O.K., I bet you 10 bucks that I can jerk you off for 5 minutes without you even feeling it. Pull down your pants.
WHOA! What the fuck did you just say. I do need 10 bucks, though...o.k...Start...now. AAAAHHH it has been 3 seconds and I feel it. AAAAAHHHHH! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY COCK!
Oopsy daisy, I guess I lost the bet. But it was worth it. HA HA!...hmm...umm...wanna play on the computer now....HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

 

If I had a genie that granted me 3 wishes, they would be for my feet to instantly turn in to roller blades at will...
Hmm...that could happen.
...and I can shoot spirt blasts out of my hands like Dragonball Z....
Yeah, maybe.
...and I wish that your grandpa would quit trying to stick his cane in my ass while saying, "Hey nigger, drop those drawers and show me your tar-colored testicles."
WHAT!?! He was in World War II, cut him some slack, jerkoff.

 

Hey, what's going on?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Umm...I'll say 4.
4? What the fuck kind of an answer is that? 4 logs or 4 trees or...what do you mean 4? That is just about the gayest answer ever...4...jeez.
How many guys would a gay guy fuck if a gay guy would fuck gays?
Hmm...I'll go with 4.

 

Hi there, I am Bill Bauer with OxiClean, the amazing cleaning formula that will get rid of virtually any stain. Excuse me sir, what if I said I could make that beer-drenched shirt look as good as new.
Well...I would clap my testicles together as fast as I can and shout, "YEEHAW, motherfucker, there is the cream filling!"
That's what I say! Also, what if you could get a 12 ounce bottle of OxiClean for the amazing low price of $56.95. What do you say to that, my friend.
Holy fucking shit, that ultimate low price could get you at least 17 hand jobs from the bitches with genital herpes at the Motel 6 across the street from my abusive uncle's house.
Owning a great product like this would make your woman would ride your bones hours on end without saying, "Are you done yet?" or "HELL NO, you can't stick it in there!"
America these days! Why the hell is this quality television on at...3:48 in the morning. This is Prime Time shit right here. Watch out Diane Sawyer.

 

Hey, have your parents ever given you the sex talk...you know...the birds and the bees.
My mom is a coke addict, currently serving 12 years in prison for prostitution. And my father just commited suicide 3 days ago.
I'll take that as a no. Quite possibly a HELL NO, BITCH!

 

...so we were at the skate park and Rodney screwed up a 360 olley, on the halfpipe, and he busted his face on the concrete. His whole bottom row of teeth went through his lip.
Oh shit, Rodney was messed up bad, dude?
Hell yeah he was, we took him to the hospital. He was gushing blood and pus out of his nose and his eyes were a weird greenish-redish color. He was puking his guts out, too, a sloppy joe texture.
Holy crap, keep going.
His left kneecap was like mush, it wasn't hard. Oh, and the really fat nurse was like, "I have never seen anything like this befo...
...WHOA! Did you just say REALLY FAT. EWWW, that is disgusting. Jeez, fat people, that is the most gory thing I have ever heard. So, continue about how his eyelid was stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

 

Hey, what's going on...HEY...WHOA...is that a...umm...a fucking BOOK in your hand?!?!
HAHAHA, you are crazy, man. Shit, a book, HA. It is definitely a poodle. Yep, a white one.
Hmm, a poodle, eh. Long, curly, white fur with little beady, brown eyes. A black nose and small, pointy ears.
Wow...umm...yeah...uh...exactly. How did you...umm...know?
I have read that book, too. See ya, you fucking literature nerd.
THIS BOOK HAPPENS TO CLOSELY RESEMBLE A FUCKING POODLE, ASSHOLE! Now go run off while, "I cry a sorrowful stream of tears." I found that quote from reading my poodle, fucker.

 

Hey, look. (*cupping hands together*) What's in my hands....Give up?...the mass of your cock is in my hands. All it is...is air. HAHA! Get it. Your cock...equals the weight of...umm...air. HA..ha.
Your dad is dead.

 

Ralph and his subconsious are discussing the proper way to treat chat rooms.
...she wants to lick me head to toe and rub her sex juice all over me.
Subconsious: Ralph, you should not be using this advanced technology, called the computer, for such crude and sinful conversations with complete strangers.
...she says for me to get naked and coress my left nipple gently while I stroke my penis. She said she will mastubate into a cup and ship it to me UPS (it will take 5-7 working days to arrive)
Subconsious: Please, Ralph, don't do this. You must have a long and loving relationship before you converse with this person about things that even most couples have not even thought of doing.
...she also said that I should pour a messy liquid on my crotch area, pull out all my pubic hairs while she drives over to my house.
Subconsious: Oh snap, dawg. Yo, ma, get this motherfucker some vegetable oil and a pair of tweezers, this bitch is horny as hell. Yer son's 'bout to tap dat freaky ass..I mean..don't be a silly goose.

 

YES
Did I clean my room? I plead the fifth.
Fine, clean it tomorrow.
YES...but you would be kind of weird.
I would take your order, but I have plead the fifth.
...umm...sure.
NOOOOO!
Did I murder that girl. I plead the fifth...oh shit...I mean I feed the Smith. Yeah...he...umm...needed some food and umm...Fuck, be gentle with the handcuffs, I have carpal tunnel.
No problem. That is how I work...gently.

 

Hey, dude, my mom wants to play checkers with you online.
...umm, sure.
A couple moves later...
OOOOOOOHHH! King me, big daddy. AAAAHHHH! Jump me harder...HARDER!
Well..umm..I thought this was a game of checkers, here.
Next day
DUDE! That was the BEST game of checkers, ever.
Yeah, I liked it too. I am glad my mom couldn't play after all.

 

by Goat_Byte_Comics
10-26-03
Hmmm...that should do it, now all we need to do is fill it with at least 6,000 people.

 

by Goat_Byte_Comics
11-06-03
During the Greek era...
...Democritus was a philosopher that said matter was made of particles that were indestructible. Democritus called them “atomos”, which, he figured out, were the particles that made up all things.
A PINK, TALKING COW. AAAAAHHHHH HELP!!!
In 1803...
...John Dalton rediscoved Democritus's idea of atoms. He added that atoms could not be divided by any means. He also claimed atoms of different elements had different weights and unique properties.
Umm...I think we forgot our parachutes on the plane, man.
In 1897...
Physicist Thomson claimed that cathode rays were negatively charged particles. He proved they were smaller than a hydrogen atom and that atoms were built up from these negatively charged particles.
...I still hate you.

 

by Goat_Byte_Comics
11-06-03
In 1898...
...Ernest Rutherford discovered the Alpha and Beta particle beams. He then shot the particle beams at a peice of gold about 1/3000 of an inch thick. Most of the particles passed through the gold.
I wonder if some of the particles bounced back at him, causing him to realize that the main mass of the atom is located in the nucleus, which is many times smaller than the atom itself.
In 1912...
TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!
Rutherford's colleague, Bohr, saw that Rutherford's model of the atom wasn’t correct. Bohr said that electrons jumped from place to place, instead of always being present in the orbit.
In 1912...
HO HO HO! Hello little girl. What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
Hans Geiger created a device that counted alpha particles and helped figure out that alpha particles had, not one, but two units of charge. He stated that the nucleus makes up most of the atom's mass.

 

by Goat_Byte_Comics
11-07-03
In 1912...
Would you like fries with that?
Ernest Marsden, along with Geiger, was a student of Rutherford and helped him with experiments of his Alpha rays. It was Marsden’s idea to do experiments with alpha particles on thin sheets of meta
In 1914...
I am Donald, the Magical Paper-Clip, here to grant you 3 wishes...What will they be, sir?
Millikan’s first major success was figuring out that an electron has a negative charge by using the “falling-drop method”. He also proved that this was a constant for all electrons.
In 1932...
Whoa! Is this some kind of X-ray mirror!?!
Chadwick proved the existence of neutrons, which have a neutral charge. He found that neutrons weren’t blocked by electrical barriers and could split even the heaviest of atoms.

 

by Goat_Byte_Comics
11-16-03
Hey...remember last week when I kicked your ass, after lunch. You immediately fell on the floor and curled up into a fetal position. Ha...geez, what a puss.
Man, shut the hell up. You had something metallic in your hand...I thought it was a knife or a gun.
Dude, it was the aluminum foil covering the turkey sandwich I stole from you.
Well...at least I ain't...a NIGGA!
AAAHHH HELP! HE HAS A GUN, AGAIN!

 

Hey, welcome to Burger Mania...home of the 14 pound hamburgers. Millions served, thousands die...what can I get you?
Hey, prick, I am balancing on a ball right now...and I am a dog, don't bother me right now.
Well...you kinda came into this establishment, then started balancing on that ball of yours, right in the middle of the line...so, order something, or move...I wont hesitate to get the manager.
Hey buddy, how many dogs have you seen balancing on a ball with a cute sweater on? How many?
I am Bill, the manager here at Burger Mania...is there a problem, sir?
So...i guess that means 2...my balancing-ball business shall be taken elsewhere...jerkoff

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