All comics by JohnnyPolite

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by JohnnyPolite
4-26-06
So, I was walking down Bank, right, and this guy totally tried to grab my ass... Well, I didn't feel or see anything, but I could just tell as I walked by that he wanted to, ya know? fuckin' homo.
... I, too, hate homosexuals. Perhaps sometime you and I can get together for some very heterosexual, totally straight, completely non-gay two-man bum sex?
...
*whistle*

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-26-06
Well, jeez, God. How long is this going to go on for? I'm hungry as a motherfucker. A man can only take so much being nailed to anything, ya know?
...
Won't you even answer? Come on. I want to come home.
...Would it help if I said I was sorry?
NO.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-26-06
WTF. Some guy I've never heard of just called my mother a whore on xvi.
You're not gonna take that shit, are you?
Hell no. I wonder if I can send him a virus or something.
...What, like "AIDS.exe"?
Exactly.
Show 'em who wears the pants.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-27-06
Heeeeeeeeeeey Joe! Where you goin' with that... axe in yo hand.
...
har har!
...
...

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-27-06
This is my greatest invention ever. This is the one that'll make people call me doctor without 'mad' in front of it.
You should certainly be very proud of yourself, doctor.
Oh yeah. That's the stuff right there. Say it again.
Doctor. ...Say, Doc, what is this stuff, anyway? I mean, I'm happy to congratulate you on your accomplishments, but this doesn't look too appetizing.
I call it "Semen in a cup."
... Better luck next time.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-27-06
Oh, don't give me that, cat. We both knew it would come to this from the start. I just hope this is a lesson to you, and in future lives you learn right from wrong.
Oh Lord, give me strength for what I must do.
roooooooooooooowwwr
...I mean, bed, bed. Litter box, litter box. Stupid animal.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-27-06
I'm RICK JAMES, BITCH!
Have you ever read a book?
Hey, what did the 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP!
... Do you even know how to think?
Oh shit son! It's Wayne Brady!
... *sigh*

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-27-06
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
...
I like to make obnoxious noises!1!1
Ahhh. You mean like jungle.
Exactly.
lollerskates.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-27-06
So, this chick was talking to me about how adorable and shit her cat is, and the bastard is shedding all over the place, and rubbing his ass against my leg, and just being a fucking lame-o in general.
Right.
So I tell her her cat is kinda weird, you know, a kinda tactful way of saying "Is this thing retarded?" So she tells me the cat is like "an artist."
wtf.
So I said "Hey, I make art with cats! I call it 'Dead cat in a can of paint'!" HAR HAR!
... You sicken me.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-28-06
So, how was the party?
Oh man. There were all these retards high on E, and you wouldn't believe the shit they spew out their mouths. One girl was talking to some drunk guy about, I quote, "How great it is to be smart."
Then the girl mentioned how she was a writer, so the guy said yeah? Me too! Yeah, I brought some of my poems, they're amazing shit.. Anyone who describes their own poems as 'amazing shit' has no soul.
You know that the idea of a party is to socialise, right, not watch and mentally judge people for fun.
Whatever, guy.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-29-06
Wooooooooooo.... OOOOOoooOOOOOOOo
...What, so is that like, the sound you make when you want someone to stick a cock in your mouth?
...What?
I'm just saying your mouth looks poised and ready, you know? Is that an intentional thing?
...I don't want to play with you anymore.
Yeah. Let's get down to business.

 

by JohnnyPolite
4-29-06
Heya.
So I told her, "I will hang you up by your fucking vagina!"
...Dude.
Yeah, maybe that was a little over the line.
Not to mention random. Did that story have a beginning at any time, or is that it?
You know, it probably did. That's the only bit worth remembering though. You should've seen her face. Totally worth the restraining order.

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-03-06
Hey guy. I heard you got suspended for writing a poem. What happened?
Not just a poem, dude. A Haiku.
The previous day...
In class today we'll be presenting our haikus. Johnny, why don't you start?
"Starlet chokes on cock. 'I'm only 15,' she cries. Cameras all halt." HAIKU!
...Dude.
Yeah. The education establishment ain't got no soul.

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-04-06
So, I've been thinking about the universe...
That's never good. You should stop. Here, try this "Semen in a cup," it's delicious.
Okay, so assuming the big bang theory is right and the universe started off at one point and expanded in all directions at the same rate. Then the universe would have to be spherical.
Of course.
Then what's outside that sphere? Nothing? How do you define nothing? Define it, and it becomes something! I can't conceive of nothing. ... That hasn't got any alcohol in it, has it?
No, but we can pretend.

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-04-06
Hey dude. You can write, right? Help me out here.
What's going on?
I met this really hot chick. I figured the thing to do would be to write a letter to herexpressing my love and need to stick it in her. So, what's a good cunnilingus metaphor? "I will eat you like.."
If you have 'like,' it isn't a metaphor, it's a simile. It's a kind of metaphor, except metaphors aren't usually direct and obvious comparisons like that. A simile is like an ugly bastard metaphor.
...You are doing the opposite of helping.
Whatever, dude. If you don't know the difference between a metaphor and a simile your letter probably sucks balls anyway.

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-04-06
So, I want to get a dog, but I'm not sure I'm ready for one. So went to the pet store to ask for advice, and you know what the dumb bitch at the counter suggested?
Lesbian make-out session?
No. She said maybe I could get a cat until I'm ready for a dog. Like, a practice animal. Isn't that an offensive idea?
Hmm... You wouldn't like my dog launcher then. Until I'm sure it's ready, I'm just using cats.
...
..."Cat Sails Into Sun. Mroooooooooowr."

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-05-06
So, how'd it go with that girl?
She freaked out, called me a stalker.
wtf?
Yeah, I tried to explain how covering your walls with a girl's picture, filling bookshelves with things you found in her garbage, and masturbating in the dark crying is normal.
...
You know, it's a guy thing. Like football.

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-13-06
So, how's your first day teaching going?
Oh, not bad. I'm just correcting their first assignment, I asked every student to write a paragraph describing themselves. I hope I'm not marking these too harshly.
Well, let's take a look... Hmm. This person apparently likes 'hurse riding' and 'milk shaykes,' and you gave them an A?
Well, you know... I would have given an A+ but there were a few...glaring... mistakes. I mean, I don't want to discourage them with failure.
Yeah... She also wrote 'LOL!" In handwriting. Who does that? ...Isn't this a grade 11 english class?
I, too, fear for civilization.

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-17-06
Durrrrrrrrrrr, I'm Chewbacca!
On the monitor:
A/S/L?
anal sex, lol!
Success!

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-18-06
Heya dude. What do you think of that new guy at work? I haven't worked with him yet.
Don's a cool dude. he knows what's best. Check this out: We were standing around, and he says to me "I think I'll have sex with your girlfriend."
...
Yeah, so, I said, you know, I don't think that's a very good idea. You know, I'll share a smoke, but not my girl, right? He says "Whatever." Long story short, he sleeps with her; Don knows best!
How is that knowing best?
... What do you mean?

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-23-06
What up, dog.
heya. What's going on?
Not much. I ran into your sister the other day downtown. She offered to blow me for a pack of smokes. Of course, I declined.
...That didn't really happen, did it?
Well, it might've. I kinda zoned out, you know. Bitches, always saying..stuff... I mean, who has time for conversation when you can just pretend you're listening, and think about having sex with them?
...I'm sorry, what?

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-25-06
Apparently my uncle in Scotland was just arrested for fucking a sheep. Isn't that crazy?
Not really. I should hope anyone fucking a sheep would be arrested.
Har har! I meant more the fact that he was fucking sheep. I guess that's just the way the country works. I'm a city boy, no sheep for me. I'm more into molesting and murdering the homeless.
...
Seriously, that's why Canadian winters are so kickass. You can just leave the bodies in snowbanks for the trashmen to collect in the spring.
Ahh, it's like that old expression my grandfather was so fond of: 'Some people have their ashes shot into space, some people get molested and buried in landfills.'

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-25-06
Gene takes the stage at the local conservation and recycling convention...
Hello everyone! I have had an innovation recently that I would like to share with you all that I think would allow us all to be much less wasteful.
"Yeah!" "You go, buddy!"
Now, if you're anything like me, you probably have a bit of a problem with dismembering prostitutes. I'm sure you know as well as I how these 'members' can pile up in your freezer! But I had an idea.
Why not put those bits of hookers into a blender, then into a mould, and make one super-hooker? Almost as fun as a fresh one, and you feel like you're doing your part. Remember: Reduce, reuse, recycle
"..." "Oh Lord." "WOOOOO!"

 

by JohnnyPolite
5-25-06
Come on. Do it. Do it. DO IT!
I'm trying!
Don't be a pussy, Mike. Do it! YESSSS!
OH no! Oh God, what have I let you talk me in to?! OH SWEET JESUS!
... I'm hungry.

 

by JohnnyPolite
6-10-06
Oh, come on, baby, Don`t hate. You know I love you.
...
Baby, you know I can`t take the silent treatment. Everything I do, I do for you, baby, that's a fact!
... And the hooker. Who was that for?
...Okay, that one was for me.
...

 

by JohnnyPolite
10-02-06
Yo, I wrote a poem I want you to hear! I call it "Sex and Homicide."
Oh lord.
*ahem* ... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YEAH! YEAH! WOOOOOOO! SUCK ON THAT! YEAH! ROCK'N ROLL! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
... So, what do you think?
...What?

 

Scott schemes to be fired for E.I. benefits.
Scott! On that club with a salad, hold the bacon and make that salad a poutine!
Mutilated vagina! HOO-AH!
by JohnnyPolite, 12-09-06

 

Scott schemes to be fired for E.I. benefits.
Scott! On that club with a salad, hold the bacon and make that salad a poutine!
Mutilated vagina! HOO-AH!
by JohnnyPolite, 12-09-06

 

by JohnnyPolite
12-10-06
So he says, "That's no knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan."
hahaha! ROFL.
...Did you just say 'rofl?'
Yeah. I like how it sounds. Roooooffle. It just rolls off the tongue! Some lingo is just too cool to be internet-only. You're just too much of a noob to get it.
Noob? You just broke my heart. I'm crying, right now, all because of you. ... God you're lame.
LOL! Oh, berb. I think I hear the kitchen timer going off.

 

by JohnnyPolite
12-10-06
Hey doc, I want to talk to you about this dream I had... It was in black and white, and I was on something like an airport runway, and I had a gun.
This sounds juicy.
I had a group of people with me who also had guns, and I somehow knew that at the other end was another group of people who we had to kill. So suddenly there's just me and this chick left, and I shoot
Her or me, right? But she doesn't die. I never wanted her to suffer, so I panic, and I shoot til I'm out of ammo. But she never dies. She just looks at me and licks her lips. ...WTF is wrong with me?
Well, I don't know what's wrong with *YOU*, but *I* have an erection.

 

by JohnnyPolite
12-11-06
I hope everyone has their presentations ready! Who wants to go first? Billy, how about you?
Now why have you gotta be asking me? You KNOW I didn't do it.
Well. Hm. Do you need more time?
You know I won't do it! I don't see why you put so much effort in, honestly. If I was you, I'd just be all, "Hey! You with the breasts! A+! By the way, IT WAS AWFUL! HAHA!" ...Ya know?

 

by JohnnyPolite
12-12-06
hello there... I would like a... ummm... hm. Do you still have the Grandma Burger?
Baaaaaaah.
Oh yes, I'm sorry, that's A & W. How about a salad?
Baaaaaah!
I'll just come back later, shall I?
BAAAAAH!

 

by JohnnyPolite
1-10-07
So I decided to bus to work today. Apparently walking everywhere has given one of my feet a blister, which burst.
That's awful!
Well, whatever. You get used to it. Blisters on feet are nothing new for us men. Foot blisters, back hair and oozing genital sores are all par for the course.
...Pardon?
Welcome to Manlyville, Population: This guy.

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