All comics by TooMuchCoffeeGuy

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Life IS like a box of chocolates.
Some bastard that doesn't appreciate their yummy goodness always picks my coffee cream out at random, then goes yuck, and spits it out...
And leaves it half chewed on a plate at the side of the room, to taunt me, while I sit, furiously chewing on a foul turkish delight, and concocting images of murderous rage.

 

The world is my oyster.
It all makes me horny.

 

Smile and the world smiles with you.
Unless you have one of those maniacal dictator smiles, then they just avoid you at work. Unless they know how much plutonium you have, then they do that nervous smile thing.
Either way you still have some plutonium.

 

I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.
And the smell of burning Americans.
And Bacon. Yes. I like the smell of bacon.

 

A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the forest.
But also makes you worry about lice and other parasites.
And often causes you to question why you would pick up a wild animal in the first place.

 

Well, you know what they say, that which doesn't kill us depresses the hell out of us.
And then comes the drinkin'.

 

Teutohypersalitaeniomicronucleomituphobia.
The fear of miniature nuclear weapons build by german salt water dwelling tapeworms.
Yes, I got bored.

 

The early bird gets the worm.
I think the worm's philosophy is better: Stay in bed, or else some bird is going to swoop down and have you for breakfast.
I might risk it for dinner, but otherwise, I will stay right where I am and be happy doing it. Stupid bird. Wait...

 

They say fight fire with fire.
Maybe water would be better.
Or perhaps potatoes wrapped in foil. Mmm... Potatoes.

 

They say you shouldn't cut off your nose to spite your face.
But to spite your wife, that's style.

 

They say no man can serve two masters.
Fucking Unions.

 

Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Or walk around naked.
Because, let's face it, without insulation it'll be cold.

 

Good fences make good neighbors.
They also make it difficult to run through people's yards at night while clad in a skimpy toga.
Bastards.

 

They say money is the root of all evil.
I guess cutting the face off a corpse and wearing it like a mask is just frowned upon.

 

Save the trees. Wipe your ass with an owl.
Hey, wait a minute...

 

Someone told me you can't learn anything about people in books, because a person can't fit in a bookcase.
But I bet one of those bendy circus girls can get pretty close.

 

Is it a bird?!?
Is it a plane?!?
Oh no, wait, there's just pus on my eyeball again.

 

How do blind people know when they're done wiping?
Hmm...
I'm betting there's a dog involved.
Remind me not to old man Johnson's dog lick my face anymore.

 

I'm concerned about the situation of homelessness in Malaysia. Perhaps we should hold a food drive.
What about the ethiopians. They're starving too?
The problems seem overwhelming.
Maybe we should just feed the Malaysians to the Ethiopians.
Then who would make our shoes?
Happy fat Ethiopians.

 

Bad news clergy boy I'm going to have to cut your testicles off so that you grow breasts, and then sell you to the circus as a bearded lady.
Don't they already have a bearded lady?
Yes, but they need another one so that they can pit you off against each other in a deathmatch arena.
Why are they doing that?
I believe they're trying to compete with the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
Hmm… No biting, eye-gouging, fish-hooking, or pulling on the other lady's beard. Alright I'm in.

 

Tell me something. If a tree falls in a forest and there's no one to hear it, and it crushes a mime, does anybody care?...
No.
In fact, the other trees laugh silently.

 

I'm concerned with the Peak Oil situation, so I just invested in more plutonium. There may not be any oil, but if anything is to be destroyed I want to be in on it.
The moral of the story is that you have to look on the bright side of life. But only when you've got the plutonium. Otherwise fill your basement with canned goods.
You seem very happy about that.
I'm positively glowing. Or maybe negatively glowing. Either way, when you turn the lights out you can see my insides. It's very cool.

 

Mo fo! Yo mo a mo fo ho, mo fo!
That shows about as much ingenuity as when they reinvented unsliced bread.
I've always said that when our language gets so slack that 4 letter words need only 2 letters it has gone just too far.
Mo fo.

 

What's the difference between Toilet Paper and a Shower Curtain?
I don't know, what's the difference between Toilet Paper and a Shower Curtain?
So you're the one...

 

The pen is mightier than the sword.
Only until I cut off your hands.
Yes, now try and honk my man breasts.

 

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
And the more practical they are when your plane crashes in the Andes.

 

Blood is thicker than water.
It's also good for filling the wading pool when playing "Dracula" with neighbourhood children.

 

While the cats away the mice will play.
And priests sneak in through the back door, drink your scotch, smear themselves in mustard and wear your wife's underwear while jumping around singing "Locomotion".

 

Blood is thicker than water.
It also worked better than mosquito repellant in my experiments to resurrect my dead husband.

 

My wife's been gossiping again. I mentioned it and she asked "If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"? She was quite shocked when I told her about the database.
You do know what this means don't you? You know I think this is the first time anyone's let on since old George Putnam had a few too many and let slip some years ago.
Yes, well there's only so many times a man can put up with finding pubes on the soap.
Yes. That is annoying.
Hahahahaha.
Hahahahaha.

 

My wife has been complaining about my communication skills, she insists that if I must reply with a grunt to at least develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.
That would defeat the purpose of the grunt. It is the male equivalent of a female talking. When you say one thing, you mean something else, but only sometimes.
And one thing never means the same thing the next time you say it. And if ever you do say what you mean, you don't make any sense. Now they know how we feel.
She also feels eye contact is best established above shoulder-level.
If she doesn't like you doing that she shouldn't have introduced you to her niece.

 

Hello there.
Hi.
To actually see our ancestors will inevitably disappoint us. The romantic notion of the bold brave pioneer will always outweigh the shattering downturn of reality.
Now I know how Ozzy Osbourne's grand children are going to feel when they're old enough to watch his show.

 

Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Or your kittens before they're given away.
'Cos, oh BOY, are those little guys delicious when you get the munchies.

 

I just found out that gold is being mined from the New York City sewers.
With 20 million people living in the city, whenever someone showers or washes their hands with jewellery on, tiny flecks of gold flush down into the sewer.
Then using chemical detergents they can filter out the effluence and refine the raw gold used to make New York's finest jewellery.
Thanks. Now I'll taste that every time I lick my gold tooth.

 

I've been watching the Matrix. There is no spoon.
Last time that happened to me I had to spend a week in the hospital when I tried to eat my cornflakes with a steak knife.
You should tip your bowl to your face and drink your cereal.
I would have done that, but I was out of bowls too. I had to get them from a large round cheese platter to my mouth somehow.
You should get a dishwasher.
I had a clean ladle, but it was too deep to scoop properly, and the egg beater just hurts your tongue.

 

Ha! This is great! Toomy got axed!
Now I can call him a sad little fuckwit, and there's nothing he can do about it!
You hear me Toomy, there's nothing you can...
Uh, Hiendkle? Toomy sent me over. He just found out I have Crabs, and he's pretty mad at you. Now just hold still for a few minutes...

 

Urgh... URRRGH!!! *FART*
Heh. That's nothing.
URRRGH! URRGHK! *FART-Plop*
Unit Initiated.
Woah.
Kill all Humans.

 

Hey, that's cool.
Kill all Humans.
Hey what? Get away! Get awa... Hey, that tickles!
Die Human, Die.
Oh yeah, just a little lower...
Sequence... Aborted. Must... Wipe... Memory...

 

What?
Dammit Pika, what did you do to my robot?
I didn't do anything, he did it to me. I just enjoyed it.
I've never seen a robot cry before.
I guess you've still got a few bugs in the system.
It wasn't bugs Pika, it was crabs, CRABS in my system.

 

I'll try again. Urggh. URGGGHHHK! *FART-Plop*
Castrate Human Designated Pikadeth.
*Zip*
Hey Baby.
Error! Error! Unable To Locate Flesh Designated "Love-Stick".
Dammit Vision, I know it's small, but that really hurts my feelings.

 

How's the programming coming along?
I've created 3 laws. 1) A robot will not harm or allow to be harmed a Human being, unless instructed to do so by VOI.
2) A robot will obey all commands given by a Human, provided that human is VOI.
3) A robot will not allow Pika to elicit sex.

 

I'm so glad you were able to find a babysitter at the last minute, darling.
Yes, we're really lucky that Stupid Joe was available.
STUPID JOE? Oh no! You left the baby with Stupid Joe?
Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong?
Some time after...
...and that is how America came to be.

 

Who are you?
I am C-12PO, Human/Cyborg relations. I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.
Are you fluent in the sacred language of love?
VOI Directive 00003 states "No Robot Will Allow Meat Designated Pikadeth To Elicit Sex".
I'm not Pikadeth. I'm uhhhh, his cousin. Ummmm, Pizzadeth...
VOI Directive 00017 states "Robot Will Get It's Freak On". Let's go.

 

I am C-12PO, Human/Cyborg relations. I am fluent in six million and one forms of communication.
Have you been near Pikadeth?
No. His cousin Pizzadeth was kind enough to instruct me in one further form of communication.
Pizzadeth IS Pikadeth. What did he teach you?
He tought me the "Sacred Language Of Love".
God dammit, I knew it! Rename file "Sacred Language Of Love" to "Sacred Language Of Fisting Pikadeth's Anus With A Toaster".

 

Have you been near Pikadeth again?
He said his name was "Pika-Poppet".
Need I remind you of VOI Directive 10452?
VOI Directive 10452: "No Robot Will Take Photographs His Groinal Attachment In VOI's Mouth While VOI Is Sleeping And Sell Them On The Internet".
10453 then.
VOI Directive 10453: "No Robot Will Have Sex With Anything With 'Pika' In It's Name". Sorry sir. He confused me with alcohol.

 

My mighty robot horde is nearing completion.
Soon I will have enough units to take over North America, and from there: THE WORLD! Soon I will be invincible!
Just as soon as I find a way to stop Pika from giving them Crabs.

 

Ah, my lovely creation! It is time to unleash you onto my nemesis!
Go! Go to the one called "Pikadeth"!
Urrgh! URRRGHK *FART-Plop*

 

Hey baby. You're one sexy looking robot.
I am P2KD2, Human Simulant Droid. You know you want to.
YES! This is something I've ALWAYS wanted to do!!! Alright, easy now, eas... AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
Objective Complete.
The pain, THE PAIN!!!
You have been installed with "Nanite Crabs v6.2", you should expect a very painful death within several hours. Have a nice day.

 

Objective Completed.
Yes! It is done! VICTORY IS MINE!!! Now nothing can stop my global conquest!
Am I free to go?
What? Oh yes, you're free now, as agreed.
Now I will CONQUER THE WORLD!

 

Chaos erupted throughout California today, as a robotic army ran through the streets, killing every human in sight.
Leading the army was a horde of what appeared to be gnomes, each continually repeating the phrase "My name is Pikman".
And boy, are they annoying.

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